Personally, I've never gotten caught up in all of the cuffing season hype. At least, not officially. The reason why I feel like I should clarify that point is because there is a past sex partner/jump off/homie-lover-friend—whatever you want to call him, who used to tell me that our bodies are automatically set on a "sex memory clock". Meaning, when it comes to the people who are a part of our intimacy's past, oftentimes they come to mind (or we might even have a craving for them) around the same time of year that we first met them and/or hooked up with them.
It's ironic that when it comes to the guy who said this, we started (cough, cough) hanging out during the month of October. And, for a few years following, every time ole' faithful October rolled around, we'd find ourselves, umm, "hanging out" again. Only in October. Until the following autumn.
Well now. Maybe I do—or at least did—participate in cuffing season more than I thought because the overall gist consists of being intentional about finding someone to "boo up" with, just in time for cold weather, office parties and the holiday season. And, as most of us know, all of this officially kicks off in the fall (if you're wondering how long it lasts, it's from October thru March).
Uh-huh. I already know how absolutely thrilled some of y'all are because you've already got someone lined up or you're already prepared to respond to some erroneous DM from an ex—or "ex". Then there are those who are already dreading the very thought of cuffing season and all of the "extra"—extra expectations, extra pressure, potential extra disillusionment and drama—that it brings. If you're someone who clearly falls into Category B, chin up, my friend.
Yes, cuffing season is inevitable, but there are some things that you can do to make it so much more bearable—for you.
Did You Know That Cuffing Season Ain’t Just Game?
While you might think that cuffing season is all about game, last year,Esquire published a pretty thorough article on the fact that there are some physical and psychological reasons behind it. For starters, since our bodies (both men and women) produce more testosterone during the fall, that makes us hornier.
And with the testosterone surging through our bodies at a heightened level, that means we're also producing less serotonin—a natural hormone that helps to make us feel good. I'm pretty sure you can see how that helps to create the perfect avalanche, so to speak.
Then there are the pressures that come with the holiday season—spending money, seeing family and sometimes going through major shifts on our jobs. It's all enough to make anyone want to climb in bed with someone and not come out, at least until after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
The reason why I'm sharing all of this is because if you hate cuffing season because you feel like it is nothing more than media hype or something that some random dude came up with in order to get some (more), maybe what I shared will offer a bit of a different perspective. Believe it or not, there is some merit to cuffing season. Shoot, it's definitely got more backing than Netflix and Chill did.
What Have the Previous Seasons Been Like for You?
I'll be honest. I never really hear couples complain about cuffing season. Nah, they have other things to worry about like if a holiday engagement is going to come up or how to handle family gatherings and professional outings if they're not that serious yet. It's usually us single folks who are perpetually rolling our eyes. If you're doing that right now, even as you're reading this, ask yourself why. Is it because you are always alone during cuffing season? Maybe it's the opposite and you always fall for the lines that brothas send you right around this time of year. Perhaps you got your heart broken over a cuffing season or you feel like it's all about sex over romance.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that the main reason why so many people have an issue with cuffing season is because they feel like it's basically a form of human hunting season. It's not really about making a true connection with another individual so much as it's about using someone in order to get attention and affection. Then, once the warm weather sets in, it's like the relationship—or situationship—never existed.
If that is how you personally feel, I'll admit that I can understand where you are coming from. What I'll also say is you are able to control this year having that kind of outcome. Think about it. If over the next few weeks, you hear from a guy who you pretty much only do during cuffing season, you already know what the deal is, right? If you oblige him, you're agreeing to participating in the pattern. Or, you can ignore his calls and block his emails. It's totally up to you.
I think one of the reasons why a lot of people abhor cuffing season is because they treat it like bad weather. They believe that just because the forecast speaks of it arriving that there is nothing that they can do to avoid it. But the reality is that cuffing season only truly affects you—or "infects" you—if you allow it to.
In other words, if you want no parts of it, leave it alone. Focus on other things. You see what our country is going through right now. There are plenty other ways to distract yourself if you really and truly want to.
Who Says That This Year Has to Be Like All the Rest?
Some women have told me that the reason why they dislike—OK, hate—cuffing season is because it feels like that is the time of year when they are the most alone. Their friends are with someone. Their co-workers are in relationships. If it wasn't for the sweet-yet-totally-cheesy Hallmark movies that run incessantly throughout the holiday season, they wouldn't have an inch of romance in their life.
I get this too. But I still think that some of this is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you loathe cuffing season because you're already predicting how lonely, boring or predictable it's going to be…again, to a large extent, that is totally under your control. Why not host a holiday party at your house? How about asking a guy who you're interested in to one of your office events? Take a road trip with a girlfriend or guy friend. Treat yourself to an off day and then pamper yourself all day. Or do all of the above—more than once.
It's been years since I've been in a relationship. Although singledom has its moments, for the most part, I'm not bothered in the least that I'm not with anyone, though. Mostly it's because I'm too preoccupied with other stuff to give it too much thought. I'm not looking to get "cuffed". It's a ring or no-thing. It's my choice and I'm totally at peace with my decision.
You're human. Therefore, it's OK to want a boo thang during cuffing season or any other time of year. But sitting in the house moping about it while you're listening to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" isn't going to do you much good. Rather than surrendering to the feelings of loneliness, how about making the most of this cuffing season is making it work in your favor? This brings me to my final point.
Why Not “Brand” Your Own Season?
It's not just cuffing season. It's also the fall season. Soon it will be the winter season. The holiday season is approaching too. My point? Other stuff is going on other than the tried-and-true cuffing season. So, why not make this the first year that you brand October-March as something else? It could be "start a business" season, "finish my book season" or "complete my website" season. Then, in honor of whatever goal that you set, you can treat yourself to something special. A personalized cuff bracelet, perhaps? (Etsy has tons of 'em!) That way, whenever you think about cuffing season, it can be connected to achieving goals rather than hooking up with some dude.
And just like that, cuffing season has new meaning and purpose. You just might go from hating it to actually celebrating it (imagine that!). All because you took the focus off of getting—or not getting— with someone and put it onto your own glow up instead. Happy Cuffing Season, girl!
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Featured image by Shutterstock
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak