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National Girls’ Night In Day Is This Sunday. Here’s How To Kick It This Weekend.
Raise your hand if you already know that September 22 is National Girls' Night In Day! And really, how cute is it that this year, it happens to fall on the eve of what I personally consider to be the best season of all—autumn? But before we get into some of the cool ways that you and some of your girls can celebrate it together, first a little history lesson.
My 'something new' for the day is the fact that the vodka company Ketel One is the one who is responsible for this truly awesome day of kickin' it with our female friends. Last year, they came up with the idea because they thought it would be great for ladies to have an official day, each year, to stay in, chill out, enjoy a drink or two and enjoy one another's company. Affirmative. The xoTribe could not agree more.
I will give this heads up, though. This year the holiday falls on a Sunday. This means that y'all might want to hang out on Saturday night until past midnight (you know so that you can say that you observed the actual day), meet up around brunch time on Sunday, or take it easy on any wine—or shots—that you'd like to take on Sunday evening. That said, if National Girls' Night In Day is something that you are totally down for, here are some of the ways to make it fun, memorable, and definitely worth marking down on your calendar every year.
1. Have a “Favorite Foods” Potluck
I don't know anyone who wants to do a night in and there not be any food around. But if you're the one hosting and money is tight, ask everyone to cook a dish that they are best at making. Also, ask them to bring along the recipe and a paragraph explanation of when they made it for the first time and their favorite memory surrounding the dish. You can compile all of the recipes and send them out to your friends later in the week so that everyone can learn how to make each other's best homemade meals.
2. Play the Online Version of Truth or Dare
C'mon. Does a round of Truth or Dare (or Never Have I Ever) ever get old? Especially when it's with some of your female homies? If you're not exactly sure what questions to ask, there's an online version of the game that lets you pick a category (such as "party" or "hot"); then it offers up questions (and dares) within that theme. If you want to take the dares up a notch, require that they be things that have to be done online like trolling an ex or posting a crazy statement on a Twitter account. Just remember that once it's on the 'net, it's documented somewhere forever, even if you do delete it. So yes, y'all, "dare" with wisdom—and foresight.
3. Hold a Dance Contest
Not too long ago, I was listening to Tha Dogg Pound'sNew York, New York on loop. What it did was two things. One, it reminded me that when everyone was making their top rappers list a few weeks ago, Kurupt should've definitely been on everyone's list. Second, it reminded me that a good song is timeless.
In honor of good jams, have everyone pull up their Spotify and share their favorite three songs, either from a particular year and era (y'all pick the year or era beforehand). Then have everyone try and find the dance that was big when those songs were out. Make sure some sort of prize goes to the one who remembered the dance without having to look it up first. Another prize goes to who could do the dance best. (If you need a 90s cheat sheet, you can find one here and also here. You can see some popular dances from the 2000s here.)
4. Bring Favorite Pics. Share Memories Connected to Them.
A lot of my besties, we've known each other for years now. But oftentimes, it's not until I see a picture of them that I've never seen before, and I get the backstory on it, that I end up learning something that I never knew. So yeah, another cool idea is to ask everyone to bring a baby picture, a picture from high school, and a college shot. Then have them share what was going on in their lives at the time. You can even make things interesting by coming up with a theme word and then have everyone take a shot for each time the word is said while everyone is in the midst of telling their tales.
5. Do an Affirmations Exchange
Several years ago, I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where the wife gave the sweetest bridal party presents. Instead of a piece of jewelry or paying for our shoes, she wrote and framed something that each of us taught her. Mine is hanging up on one of my bedroom walls; hands down, it's one of the best things that I've ever received.
Aside from the value of the affirmation, something else that I really like about her gift is it's a reminder that you don't need a load of dough to give a great gift to someone that you care about.
So, something else that might be cool to do is have everyone to write down something that they appreciate or admire about each individual, put it into a hat, draw them out, and share them. I guarantee that there will be lots of warm fuzzies shared by the time everyone is done.
6. Or Do a Clothing/Shoes/Jewelry Exchange
I don't know about you, but pretty much every friend that I have owns something that I wish was mine. Since the seasons are about to officially shift, something else you could do is have everyone bring the summer or fall pieces from last year that they don't want anymore—clothes, shoes, and jewelry included. Then, everyone can go through the stuff to see if there is anything that they want before you all donate them or give them to someone who might not be nearly as appreciative if they had it in their personal possession.
7. Teach Each Other Make-Up Hacks
There is not nearly enough time to get into all of the fly chicks who have online make-up tutorials. Today, though, I am going to shout out a channel that does do them but also has all kinds of other insightful and oftentimes very witty commentaries—nappyheadedjojoba.
You can connect YouTube to your television monitor and try and copy some tips from make-up experts like her and others (you can find more by putting "make-up tutorial for Black women" in the search field). Or, you can send out an email to your friends, asking them to bring some of their own make-up so that each of you can show one another a great tip, trick or hack. (You can even give out a prize to the best one.)
8. Watch a Favorite Movie. Then Have a Q&A Afterwards.
I really enjoy reading, so I fully support book clubs. But if you'd rather chill out than be all deep and philosophical, ask everyone to text their top five favorite movies of all time and show the top 1-2 of them once everyone arrives. Then afterward, just as you would in a book club meeting, go around and have everyone share what they loved about the movie, what stage of life they were in at the time, what the movie taught them, what they would do differently if they were the screenwriter or director—you know, stuff that encourages a stroll down memory lane and also sparks lots of conversation and laughter.
9. How About a Round (or Two) of 'Pick Your Poison'?
I've shared before that I'm a fan of Black web series. One that I checked out sometime last year that I really enjoyed wasDiary of a Cheating Man. Interestingly enough, my favorite episode was one entitled "Naomi". The reason why I say that is because, recently, a podcast popped up in my YouTube suggestion feed that featured the lead character from the web series and the girl who played Naomi. They currently have a show called Shots of Honesty and the episode that I watched featured the game Pick Your Poison (at least, that's what they call it).
I'm not on social media, but according to Julian (the male host), a variation of this game has been circulating for a while. Basically, what you do is compile a list of really great and really bad traits for a hypothetical person. Then you do this for 4-5 other imaginary individuals and ask your friends which guy they would choose. Other than it being able to give you insight into what your standards and deal-breakers are, it's also a reminder that no one is perfect; that, to a large extent, long-term relationships are all about figuring out what you can tolerate, what you can't, and what good things about a person can make you endure the not-so-good parts of them. If you want to take some shots in between like Julian and his co-host Starr did, please feel free.
10. Participate in a DIY Spa Session
Listen, just because it's about that time to pull out your ankle boots and close-toed pumps, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't give your feet some attention. And a facial mask? This is the perfect time of year to give your face some extra moisture as well. That's why, as far as a girls' night in event goes, you can never go wrong with having a DIY spa session.
Think about what you'd like to focus on most—hands, face, feet, etc.—look up the ingredients that you'll need and ask everyone to bring one of the items in the recipe. For instance, if you're gonna do foot soaks, ask someone to bring a big bag of Epsom salt and someone else to bring a large jar of coconut oil. Or, if it's a facial, ask one person to bring a couple of cartons of eggs and someone else to bring a couple of containers of honey. That way, everyone can get pampered without breaking their budgets in the process. (Click here for some foot soak recipes, here for some hand cream and lotion ones, and here for some DIY facial recipes.)
Oh, and while everyone is getting the DIY star treatment, serve a signature fall cocktail or mocktail that will forever commemorate 2019 Girls' Night In Day!
Enjoy every single moment of it, y'all! You and your girls definitely deserve it.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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While in a session with a client a few months back, she found herself going on a bit of a tangent about how no woman she knows has ever experienced a vaginal orgasm before, so she didn’t get why it was such a big deal. All I did was sit quietly and let her vent until she said, “Right Shellie? Do you know anyone who’s had one before?”
Yep. Me. And yes, I am well aware of the fact that it’s kind of like being a unicorn out here. Trust me.
What I mean by that is, to this day, reportedly, onlyaround 18 percent of women are able to honestly say that they’ve been able to “see the mountaintop,” just from intercourse alone. And although I am in that number and some of it does have to do with certain “tricks of the trade” (technique, knowing your body, etc.), a lot of it has to do with how your body was made more than anything else (more on that in a second).
That’s why, wheneverthe whole topic of the orgasm gap comes up, I really wish that (more) women would stop stressing themselves out over whether they can have an orgasm vaginally or not. Because while your partner “aiming to please” is a very valid point and necessary requirement when it comes to healthy and happy copulation, if you’re basing being orgasmic on whether or not you’ve had a vaginal orgasm before, you’re really missing the point — and wasting precious time on something that isn’t nearly as big of a deal as you might think that it is (or society might try to make it out to be).
I’ll explain.
What Is a Vaginal Orgasm — and Why Is It So Difficult to Achieve?
Before going deeper into this thing, let me just say that my reason for defining a vaginal orgasm isn’t to come off as patronizing or condescending in any way. I’m just doing it because I think that far too often, whenever the topic of orgasms even comes up, folks loop them all in together — especially vaginal vs. clitoral ones.
That being said, a vaginal orgasm is when you’re able to climax from intercourse alone. This means that you don’t need any (direct) clitoral stimulation in order for an orgasm to take place. Okay, so with that being said, why is it so challenging for so many women to have one? Well, that gets into what I said about the makeup of one’s body — which no one has any control over.
See, the reason why vaginal orgasms are fairly easy for me is that (and yes, my doctor has confirmed it) the distance between my clitoris and my vaginal opening is pretty close together — and the closer they are, the easier it is for a vaginal orgasm to go down.
And gee, when you put it this way, vaginal orgasms still kind of have a cheat code, right? Because whether or not your partner is directly stimulating your clitoris or not, if a vaginal orgasm is about “close clitoral placement,” he still kind of is relying on the clit to make it all happen— he’s just not needing to use his hands, a sex toy or you’re not needing to help him out.
Another thing to note about vaginal orgasms is the G-spot tends to play a starring role in it too. Still, since, at the end of the day, all a G-spot is, is the backside of the clitoris on the inside of your vagina, it’s still the clitoris for the win.
Hmm…sounds to me like, really, a vaginal orgasm is just a different kind of a clitoral orgasm — I mean, not exactly, but kinda…because if there was no clitoris involved at all, I highly doubt that vaginal orgasms would even exist.
NOW do you get why I say that they aren’t as big of a deal as they are made out to be? Orgasms are beyond awesome. And you shouldn’t feel bad if the one that you’re not able to make happen (possibly yet) is a vaginal one.
Let me do my best to drive this point even further home.
Okay. You Are Having Orgasms, Though…Right?
If you read articles on our platform like “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight” and “11 Types Of Orgasms To Add To Your Must-Hit List,” you’ll get that when it comes to “climbing the walls,” there are all kinds of ways to get there. For me? Even though vaginal orgasms aren’t hard for me to experience/achieve, for whatever reason, these 38H cups of mine will almost yawn when it comes to nipple orgasms.
In other words, breasts aren’t in the top five of erogenous zones for me (check out “So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?” and “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life”) — and I’m okay with that. If I happen to experience an orgasm that way (which is oftentimes on a fluke), cool. As long as I know that I can get an orgasm some sort of way, I’m golden.
You’re not me; still, I do encourage you to have a similar mindset. Although it can always be fun to find different ways to achieve things like a blended orgasm (more than one orgasm happening at once) or a kissing orgasm (which is pretty self-explanatory), if you’ve ever had any type of orgasm at all — at the end of the day, that should be good enough because, no matter how the climax happened, wasn’t it pretty damn spectacular? Anything else is just…a bonus. So, why ruin the good that you’ve already got going with stress, internalized pressure, and overthinking?
Hey, I’m not exaggerating by saying that, either. There is plenty of data out in these streets (like these articleshere,here, andhere) that points to the fact that stress definitely lowers libido, hinders sexual arousal, and can ultimately get in the way of having an orgasm. So, if you’re already gettin’ yours, even if it’s the more common way (clitorally) — who cares?
Science has pretty much always said that the purpose of your clitoris is sexual pleasure…so it makes sense that it would be the main part of your body that can “get you there” (if you know what I mean). Therefore, why worry about why your vagina “can’t” when what was created to orgasm totally can?
Am I getting through?
Vaginal Orgasms Shouldn’t Be the Goal. Pleasure Should.
Okay, and what if you’re one ofthe one-third of women who reportedly have never had an orgasm before or hardly ever do? If you happen to fall into this category, that is a bit different because I understand why this would be something that you would want to say you’ve experienced, first-hand, at least a few times in this lifetime. Actually, you are the main reason why I’ve penned articles like “Can’t Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself,” “10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently,” and “Here's Why You Can Climax Sometimes And...Sometimes You Can't;” it’s because I definitely don’t want to gaslight you into thinking that orgasms aren’t one of the best things that life has to offer…because they are. No question.
At the same time, though, the same way that you can overthink about having a vaginal orgasm, that’s the same way that you can rob yourself of enjoying the pleasure of sex overall, if you think that you can’t have a great time unless you come (or always come). Just likekissing feels really good without any kind of sex being involved, the intimacy of sex is amazing even without an orgasm — and yes, I know what that is like as well. Do orgasms come pretty easily for me? Yes.
Still, “off nights” happen, and that doesn’t mean that the rest of the sexual experience still wasn’t satisfying. Indeed and I promise you that the more you make the goal to simply embrace the closeness of relishing your partner as they do the same thing to, for, and with you, the more you can fully appreciate sex…even if it doesn’t end in fireworks. Besides, if one thing is the epitome of, “At least we had a really great time trying,” it’s having sex even if orgasms don’t transpire (by the way, if you really are not at peace with not having orgasms, start with getting your hormone levels checked, then consider seeing a sex therapist — it may be physical or psychologically-based. It can never hurt to get checked out to see).
____
Bottom line here: your vagina wasn’t designed just for your sexual pleasure alone (remember, babies come out of there). Know what is, though? Your clitoris. If it’s working and getting the job done (however it happens), that really needs to be good enough. If a vaginal orgasm happens along the way — great. If not, it’s still all good. And I do mean that literally.
Any kind of orgasm is a wonderful thing.
Get it how you live and take the pressure off, sis.
Now…go get you one. However it…cums.
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