A couple of years ago, I had significant breakthrough in so many areas of my life. At first, it felt overwhelming to process so much guilt, shame, blame, resentment, and anger. There was so much digging I had to do to understand my journey — let alone accept areas in my life that I felt deprived of and to see the lessons in it regardless. It was a rude awakening to see all the things I was carrying for years emotionally and mentally, and I never thought it was necessary to pause and find tools to work through a lot of my issues. However, this transformative experience made me hungry for healing.
From books, to podcasts and TED Talks targeting healing, being more intentional in therapy regarding the areas I knew needed more love, meditation, interactive workbooks on healing, journaling, and having more in-depth conversations with friends and my partner at the time about the patterns I wanted to change. My fresh awareness planted a seed that made me inclined to do the work. I said, "God, I know you didn't call me to see myself so clearly for no reason, reveal what I need to see to push me to do the work needed to live a more intentional and less emotionally heavy life." And thankfully, he answered my prayer request, he knew I'd work through the adversary no matter how difficult things got, and he provided me with just the right tools and people to guide me to new emotionally mature heights at the right time.
Every individual has a unique journey on this planet, but one thing we all go through is trauma, and the advantage we have in this generation is having access and an overload of information to healing! So whether you need to work on your boundaries, trauma bonds, codependent relationships, enmeshed relationships, emotional intelligence, inner child healing, self-awareness, and the list goes on, I got you!
Check out the list below regarding the most instrumental books and podcasts that have helped me work through healing in many areas of my life.
On Purpose Podcast by Jay Shetty
On Purpose Podcast
The first time I witnessed Jay Shetty's wisdom was on Red Table Talk, an episode in season two called "The Roadblocks Between You and Love", and I was exceedingly impressed. Shetty has such a unique experience, born and raised in London, U.K., from a high expectation South Asian family, and yet he became a monk at age 22 and retired that lifestyle around 25. The level of discipline and willingness to unlearn consistently being a monk is a scholar's mindset, but it's even more courageous that he transformed his experience to a universal lens of healing in every aspect of life.
His podcast On Purpose, started in 2019 and is the number one podcast globally in the wellness market. Shetty covers topics consisting of pragmatic steps on unlearning unhealthy habits, skills to raise your self-awareness, tips for combating imposter syndrome, coping with anxiety and depression, and my favorite is his stellar relationship advice. We can all benefit from his wisdom, stemming from his monk analogies to modern-day tools to cultivate a healthier and balanced you! Also, check out his profound book called Think Like a Monk, which provides interactive questions to dive deeper into self-work in every chapter. His podcast is available on all major streaming services!
'After the Rain' by Alexandra Elle
Amazon
Alexandra Elle, aka Alex Elle, is an author of four self-help books, host of The Hey Girl podcast, and speaker. All I have to say is,After the Rainwas life-changing. It was one of the most gentle, compassionate, introspective, and accountable self-help books I've read thus far. One of my biggest takeaways from this read was the gentleness I needed to implement working through my inner child healing. Before I was able to tackle the areas I felt deprived of throughout my childhood, I had to get to the bottom of working through playing back uncomfortable memories filled with tears and despair to understand how I can nurture areas that still need tending to.
I held on to Alex's tender affirmations. I wrote my heart out throughout every journal prompt question at the end of each chapter that highlighted areas she focused on working through regarding identity, validation, love, soothing in suffering, change, and becoming. Alex opened me up to acceptance, and compassionate accountability that I think will come in handy to all of us going through this roller coaster journey called life.
The Homecoming Podcast with Dr.Thema
The Homecoming Podcast
The Homecoming Podcast is a mental health podcast hosted by a licensed psychologist and ordained minister Dr. Thema Bryant. I enjoy Dr. Thema's approach with consistent episodes highlighting combating unhealthy patterns like becoming more emotionally available, unhealthy attention-seeking, increasing accountability, being open to feedback, commitment issues, etc. In many ways, she equips me to heighten my therapeutic self-soothing lens; she makes me feel like I have autonomy over my life while quoting scripture from time to time which I'm very appreciative of.
If you're open to changing unhealthy patterns and you're a Christian, this is an excellent start for you to understand how God-equipped professionals like Dr. Thema can give you the tools to be open to psychological transformation. Her podcast is available on all major streaming platforms!
'Clarity & Connection' by Yung Pueblo
I came across Yung Pueblo's self-awareness work through his Instagram page, and then I stumbled into hearing him being interviewed on an episode of Devi Brown's podcast called "getting closer to home." And your girl was hooked to his work ever since! Pueblo is the author of two self-help books, Clarity & Connection and Inward; he's also a meditator and speaker. Clarity & Connection took my mind to new heights regarding emotional intelligence, and as a very emotionally open person, I was pleased to see yet another man of color tapping into this level of vulnerability.
His words shifted my mind to turn more inward to understand my patterns and remind me that no one can fill my cup up like myself, and loving people without attachments is healthy for both parties. People flourish the most without being consistently judged or expected to be perfect when we're all flawed in our own ways. Pueblo didn't hesitate to dive into the depths of the subconscious mind, amplifying self-awareness to its fullest depths, exploring attachment styles, soothing our souls with being open to letting go what isn't for us and letting in what's for us. Pueblo's approach is an unusual way of analyzing emotions; he has a logical perspective on the depths of the most troubling yet fulfilling emotions we all experience.
Side Grace by Aliyah Grace Dean
Side Grace Podcast
The Side Grace podcast is hosted by Aliyah Grace Dean, podcaster, master's student of clientele mental health, powerlifter, and overall a beautiful soul speaking to the gen-Z market that's interested in working through healing. Dean walks listeners through childhood trauma, working through the loss of a family member and how it's changed her life, exploring different types of anxiety, tips on finding a therapist that fits you, and providing guidance for re-parenting yourself.
I love hearing her perspective because it speaks to my intersectional walk of being a first-generation Afro-Caribbean. She does in-depth research regarding our experiences, which is usually not amplified singularly. Each of her episodes is delivered with love yet assertiveness. She equips her listeners with tools to dive deeper into journaling intentionally, meditation, and validating their need to slow down to tend to their wounds because they aren't going to tend to themselves.
'The Language of Emotions' by Karla McLaren
Amazon
The Language of Emotions is basically the encyclopedia to building emotional intelligence and emotional awareness. Karla McLaren is an empath researcher and takes readers through her life journey of researching the depths of understanding emotions. She goes in-depth about the significance of embracing your emotions, let alone understanding the underlying things they are trying to tell you. I'm really enjoying reading this book because I was often told as a child that I was "too sensitive, or too emotional," and this book normalizes being an emotionally open person.
More than anything, it's teaching me how to regulate my emotions and not let them consume me. If you're someone curious about the depths of your feelings or working through increasing your emotional availability, this book is for you.
Dropping Gems with Devi Brown Podcast
Dropping Gems with Devi Brown
Dropping Gems is hosted by Devi Brown, former radio personality, Chief Impact Officer at Chopra Global, meditator, and educator. Brown does a remarkable job taking us through walking through soul bonds featuring Yvonne Orji, learning the importance of being present, and planting intentional seeds with Charlamagne the God. I love listening to her podcast because she has a mind full of no limits regarding expanding, building her emotional and mental awareness. She speaks to the experience of Black women processing grief and the importance of getting more acquitted with understanding your emotions versus suppressing them. Dropping Gems is available on all major platforms.
'Set Boundaries, Find Peace' by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Amazon
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab was a significant game-changer for me because I've been working through emotional turmoil in many areas of my life, and I just got to the point where I'm tired of the cycles, so what better area to focus on than boundaries. Tawwab is a licensed Black therapist with over 14 years of experience, and every ounce of that expertise is shown in her book. She walks her readers through understanding the focal areas of boundaries, first for self-preservation and second to build healthier relationships in our lives.
Nedra's narrative is fixated on curating boundaries in every area of our lives, from relationships with yourself, family, friends, romantic relationships, work, and technology. She also goes through the adverse effects of codependent relationships, enmeshed relationships, and trauma bonds. After each chapter, she provides interactive questions to explore how to clarify boundaries in each area of your life. Understanding the importance of boundaries is essential to our healing journey; you can't combat unhealthy relational skills unless you're aware of them first. Get this book to learn that giving someone tools is all you can and should do, and allow others to do the actual work. Change only sustains itself when you do it for yourself, not for others. To all my fixers, this one's for you!
I hope some of the tools above equipped you with what you need to start or continue your healing journey. Be patient with yourself, and extend the grace you naturally give to others, to yourself. The only real change we can make in this life is being conscious, intentional, and empathetic individuals that are aware of our individual pain and not making it someone else's job to fix. Emotional intelligence doesn't have an ending; it's an ongoing commitment. The best scholars are always students.
Healing is not a destination; it's a journey you have to be willing to continuously work through — you never arrive, so don't get complacent.
Featured image by Getty Images
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A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
And even though I am a bona fide ambivert who enjoys my own company more than anyone else on the planet, I must admit that I really like — adore, really — my circle of friends and enjoy going out on dates with them. Each one brings something different to my life, and each date leaves behind a unique type of experience and set of memories. Yeah, dating my friends never gets old. Not to mention the fact that it’s highly beneficial and, dare I say it, even necessary if you want to properly nurture the non-romantic connections that you have.
And so, in honor of how important it is to care for your friendships, I’ve got a few real-deal reasons why going out on dates with your friends, as much as you can, is one of the absolute best things that you can do — for all parties involved.
Quality Time Is Essential in All Relationships
GiphyIt really is wild, the songs that will randomly come to mind, whenever I’m writing content. Today, it’s High-Five’s “Quality Time” (if you know, you know). I know why it did, too, because, when it comes to going on a date, the main point and purpose of it is to spend quality time with another individual (or at least it should be — check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”).
And although usually we think of that in the context of getting to know or to spend undivided time with someone who we have a romantic interest in, the reality is that any time you make plans to hang out with another individual without any distractions, that is technically a date. And yes, in order for any relationship — new or otherwise — to grow, quality time is essential.
I don’t just mean on the phone either. My closest female friend? If it’s not a phone call, it’s texting, and if it’s not texting, we are sending each other news links throughout the day, each and every day. However, whenever she comes to my city or I go to hers, the time is just…different. Just being in someone’s physical presence and absorbing their personal energy helps you to connect with them in a very profound way.
So yeah, when it comes to my top reason for why I think that friends should “date each other,” for the sake of mutually spending some much-needed quality time — that comes before all of the rest.
Dating Your Friends Does Wonders for Your Holistic Health and Well-Being
GiphySeveral years ago, TIME published an article entitled, “Why Spending Time with Friends Is One of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Health.” The content in it shared data like socializing with people you care about can lower your stress levels, boost your heart health and even lower your risk of eventually becoming diagnosed with a chronic disease.
Other studies say that spending time with your friends can help to give you a greater sense of purpose; provide the accountability you need to develop/maintain good lifestyle habits; make you feel more confident; reduce your chances of experiencing depression or even having a stroke, and it can increase your longevity overall. In fact, one study cited that “People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely” to the point where it’s worse than — get this — smoking 20 cigarettes a day!
What this means to me is, even if you don’t think that you have time to hang out with your friends, you should certainly make it. From all of the research I saw, your physical, mental and emotional health and well-being all depend on it. LITERALLY.
Friends Have Their Own Love Languages Too
GiphyA few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships.” I mentioned love languages again in the article, “7 Hacks That'll Make Your Friendships (Even) Better” because that’s how important I think it is to know if your friend’s top way of wanting love expressed to them is quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch (physical touch is affection not sex; that can’t be said enough), acts of service or gifts.
Why? Because no two friendships are the same and when each of your friendships are fluent in each other’s love language, it tends to make communicating and connecting much smoother. For instance, I have a friend who really couldn’t care less about getting a Hallmark card (I like those, though); she is far more moved by when you hear something that she mentioned on a call and you meet the need (like if she said that she’s been too tired to cook and you shoot her a DoorDash gift card) because she’s an acts of service type of gal.
Well, along these same lines, what I have learned is when it comes to planning dates with my friends, it has more of an impact if the date speaks to their love language too. For instance, my quality time friends? It makes no sense to have them be my movie buddy, chile, because they want undivided attention where they can talk and ask lots of questions. Meanwhile, my gifts friends? They don’t care where we go or what we do, so long as I have some type of “thought about you” token in tow. LOL.
Bottom line with this point is, you already get points for asking a friend out on a date. However, you get a bevy of bonus ones whenever you plan a date that centers around their love language. Trust me, I have tested this out.
Remember the Saying: “People Change and Forget to Tell Each Other”
GiphyA quote that I find myself using pretty often with couples is “People change and forget to tell each other.” A playwright by the name of Lillian Hellman once said it. And here’s what’s really insightful about that saying: There are studies which say that we tend to transition so much as individuals that right around every 10 years, there are parts of us that become totally different people. In another article that I read on the same topic, it stated that although our core personality traits tend to remain relatively the same (and I agree with that), “People evolve and change over time...Our interests and approach to the world changes. Our experiences change who we are, and how we internalize and interpret the world around us.”
This is why I’m personally not big on when people are like, “I can go months without talking to my closest friends and we can just pick up where we left off; that’s how close we are.” Chile, even plants need to be watered a few times a week and if you aren’t intentional about nurturing your friendships, emotional distance really can form.
Before long, usually without even noticing it, you realize that you’ve grown apart on some levels and what’s really holding you together is nostalgia not a true connection (and yes, there is a difference). One of my friends, we hung out for the first time in about a year (because her plate is currently beyond full) and we definitely had a few, “Oh, you don’t do like that anymore?” and “Oh, when did you decide to think that way?” moments.
It’s because — just think about it: If it is indeed true that we make a whopping 35,000 different decisions on a daily basis…12 months of that? Yes, some of those choices are going to be impactful enough to alter us and when we’re different, our relationships end up shifting on some level too.
Dating your friends helps you both to keep up with the subtle and not-so-subtle changes, so that your relationship can adapt to them. This one right here can’t be emphasized enough.
You Don’t Always HAVE Time. You’ve Got to MAKE It.
GiphyLet me circle back to something that I said earlier, just to really bring the point of this entire piece home. I think it’s hilarious that when it comes to dating, a lot of women will be quick to be on some, “If he wanted to, he would” — oh, but when it comes to making time for friends, many will go into how busy their schedules are. Sis, the same point actually applies: What is a priority to you, you will figure out…one way or another. And when you see all of the reasons why hanging out with your friends is good for you, them and the relationship overall — why would you not want to prioritize “in your face” time with them?
The problem is that a lot of us try to “cram people into” our lives when, what we need to do is, discipline ourselves enough to actually schedule them into our world. So, at the top of each month, as you’re figuring out what those four weeks are going to look like, shoot your schedule over to a friend or two to see when they can meet up for some type of date. Once it’s on the calendar, I promise you that it won’t feel so stressful; in fact, it will be something that you can look forward to.
You and your friend can go on a date and it will be all good — start to finish. Talk about a pick-me-up that’s always worth it. It never misses. Ever.
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