![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzI5MDEwMS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc4MjM0MTU3M30.3Oypr8HVUBvXTbxrJOezOirzic0afEZAzJIUiPvpZrs/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C0%2C0%2C123)
Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?
You know, it never ceases to amaze me that, whenever I do research on the top reasons why married couples decide to get a divorce, rarely—if ever—do I see that they stopped being friends with each other; if they were ever friends in the first place. And that is exactly why I wanted to write this article. While things like poor communication, financial challenges and intimacy issues are popular causes for marital discord and break-ups, if there is one thing that helps some couples stick it out, it's the fact that, above all else, they share a bona fide friendship.
And when you're truly friends with someone, that makes it easier to deal with the tough times as opposed to when you're not.
I promise you that, I've sat with plenty of couples who never even considered if 1) they made building a friendship a priority while they were dating/courting and 2) they didn't make sure to either establish or nurture their friendship so that they could stay out of divorce court. That's why, whether you are in a new dating situation, engaged or, most importantly, already married, I hope you'll take out a few moments of your time to read this and then ask yourself, "Am I actually friends with my boo?" or…not. Believe you me, the answer can reveal a lot about your relationship—and its future.
You Genuinely Like Each Other
I'm not big on boyfriend/girlfriend relationships (you can read more about that by checking out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"). To me, it's way too much like acting married when you're actually not. When you do that too often, believe it or not, it can teach you how to get divorced rather than remain committed to the spouse you actually do end up with (think about it—you fall for someone, break-up, move on…then rinse and repeat a billion times till you're relationally desensitized). Whenever someone asks me how I plan on getting married, I simply say, "I plan on marrying a friend." And yes, it really is that simple (to me).
I can't tell you how many marriage sessions I have sat in where it's completely obvious that the two people I'm talking to don't like each other very much. Not only that but it's hard to tell if they ever did. Unfortunately, while they were dating, so much focus was put on if they love each other and where the relationship is ultimately headed, that they weren't able to chill out and build a solid and genuine friendship in the process. It's like since marriage was the goal, friendship never became the foundation. That's why, whenever a couple in trouble come to me, I don't ask, "Do you still love each other?" I wanna know if the like is still there. Do they enjoy hanging out? Do they make each other feel good about themselves? Do they have a variety of things in common with one another? If they could hang out with just about anyone, would their spouse always top the list? Do they feel safe and relaxed in each other's their presence?
The best—and by "best", I mean healthiest—marriages I know consist of a husband and wife who are the very best of homies. Out of all of their friends, their spouse is pretty much their closest one. And because of that, it makes the good days better and the hard ones easier. Mutually liking is a marital superpower. Do you and yours have it?
You Can Tell Your Partner Anything
Recently, I checked out Mrs. KevOnStage's Love Hour podcast on YouTube. This particular episode was "What I wish my wife knew, with Spiceadams and Andy Mineo". Not only was it funny (I'm not sure I've ever heard "run them cheeks" before), but it's always refreshing to hear men talk about how they feel about relationships and, more importantly, what they need in them (check out "10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood"). At around the 48:00 mark, Andy got into how, right before marrying his wife, her shared with her that he had watched porn, even while they dated, along with how she considered that to be cheating and how it ultimately almost resulted in their wedding getting called off.
I used to work with a ministry that dealt with porn addiction (which yes, is a very real thing), so I get why his wife took the stance that she did. At the same time, though, her initial reaction is also why a lot of people choose not to share all of who they are with their partner. When they know that the consequences have the tendency to be very severe, oftentimes, they choose to keep so much of who they are to themselves (or they share it with someone else which can sometimes set the stage for emotional affairs).
Oftentimes, when engaged couples come to me for advice, one thing that I'll refer them to is "276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry". I always get the same response—"C'mon, Shellie. Almost 300 questions?!". In response, I say the same thing, "Yep." You have no idea how many people don't really know each other before they jump the broom. Or worse, one or both are withholding information out of fear of being penalized or punished if they revealed their very core.
In order for someone to vow "for better or for worse", they've got to know what the worse is. That's what engaged couples need to know. If you're married, once you said those words, a part of what truly loving someone is all about is letting them show their good, bad and ugly sides, knowing that you've totally got their back regardless. I mean, that's how you treat your (other) friends…isn't it?
You Have Fun Together
One time, while working with a married couple who were trying to heal from past infidelities (on both sides), when I asked the husband why he cheated, his answer caught his wife way off guard. "My wife is no fun anymore." The fact that she immediately jumped down his throat about how "ridiculous" she thought that reply was actually helped me to understand just where he was coming from. An indie movie that I think is super cute isHe's Mine Not Yours (starring Jason Weaver, Gabrielle Dennis and Caryn Ward Ross). When Brooke (played by Dennis) feels like she might be losing her man, Kent (played by Weaver), she asks his best friend, Doug (played by Carl Payne) what she should do. One thing that he said was, "Lighten the hell up." See, one of the things that attracted Kent to the "other woman" Mandy (played by Ross) is she liked to do things like listen to music, watch basketball games and just…hang out. Everything didn't have to be deep and serious all of the time. And because of that, she was starting to win Kent over.
I don't have one friendship where there aren't times when we don't end up having sobering conversations. But most of the time, we're laughing—cracking jokes, sharing stories, having a ball together. It's a reminder that no one wants to constantly be around a person who is acting like a parent, hall monitor or buzzkill. Yeah, people who are friends with their spouses are able to effortlessly have fun with one another. Only individuals who don't get what it takes to make a marriage work thinks that this particular point is a trivial one.
The Relationship Is a DRAMA-FREE Zone
Y'all, sometimes I'll sit in a marriage session and find myself impressed that I can last an hour with one of the people I'm talking to. And you know what? That makes me respect their spouse all the more since they've actually got to live with them. If I had to categorize the type of person who drains me the most, I'd have to say that it's the drama kings and queens of the earth. Ugh. You know the kind. They make problems where they aren't any. They are masters at blowing things out of proportion. Feelings always supersede logic and good ole' common sense. Nothing every truly satisfies them. You always find yourself walking on eggshells in their presence because you never really know what "version" of them you are going to get at any given moment.
Two friends who want a healthy relationship are going to be extremely proactive in keeping the drama to a minimum. They do this by openly communicating. By not playing mind games (like gaslighting or triggering each other). They take responsibility for their own actions. They make sure that they each feel loved and respected. Peace is the bottom-line goal of their dynamic. I've had some people that I've loved but "fell out of like" with, all because they were too dramatic for my taste. Married couples who are friends with each other, repel drama instead of embrace it; especially when it comes to their own relationship.
They Are One of Your Absolute Favorite People
If it's TMI, my bad. That's kind of how I get down. Anyway, I remember once asking an ex of mine if I was the best that he had ever had (in bed). He sat for a moment and said, "You're not the best. But you're definitely my favorite." At first, I felt some type of way, but when he explained the history of him and his best (he was her first, so you can read between the lines there) and how, if he had to choose, he'd prefer me most of the time (we were very frank with each other, so yes, I could handle his candidness), I got what he meant. When someone is your favorite, they are your preference. When someone is your favorite, they get a kind of special treatment that no one else does. When someone is your favorite, you will easily and effortlessly choose them again and again, no matter what.
I've got friends like that. Friends who, out of all of the people I know, if I had to select a person to be around, it would be them…even if I just hung out with them the day before. That's how much I enjoy their presence in my life. Spouses who are friends tend to feel just like this. While their husband or wife isn't their everything (nor should they be; only God should be seen in that light), they are a favorite—someone who is above all others because that's just how dope their partner is (to them).
Favorite friends. Should I ever get to the point and place of walking down somebody's aisle, that's what I want to be able to proudly and confidently say the love of my life and I are. Not just lovers but long-lasting friends. Just like any happy and healthy married couple should be. For better or for worse. Until death parts them.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- DJ QuickSilva & Ashley: How To Have Fun In Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Questions To Ask Your Spouse During Hard Times - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images