

"He called you back. He opened the door for you. He kissed your forehead. Now you want a relationship. It's time for us to re-evaluate, sis."
- Me to me in the mirror.
"Bare minimum Twitter" has become a thing, and it's triggering. Out in the Twittersphere, there are women tweeting about simple things that they claim to be relationship goals and many commenters are calling them out about their choice of standards.
"Bare Minimum Twitter" is a reflection of the reality about the standards we have for romantic partners.
It exists as a result of the prevalence of guys out there who put in less effort than what is being tweeted about, and the fact that what is being praised are things that are standard and mandatory (read: bare minimum). Have we gone so far down the abyss that a man opening the door for us, calling us by our name, and texting us back is subject to praise? When did basic behavior start becoming the bar for bae-material? Are we convincing ourselves that we are not settling?
A lot of these tweets have been dirty mirrors for me to look into. Throughout my history of dating, there have been many times where I've called my best friend to gloat about how charming a man was on a date - opening the door for me, paying for the food, driving me home, telling me how pretty I was. The annoyance in my friend's voice was anything but sugarcoated, "Uh, yeah, girl. That's what he's supposed to do."
It made me take a long look into the patterns of partners that I've allowed into my sacred space. The realization hit me hard: a lot of the men I had been dating were admitted a pass because of the minimal requirements of respect I had for myself.
And suddenly, my membership card to the Bare Minimum Club began to sparkle under the enlightenment.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want a type of love that feels like poetry to my soul and wine to my bloodstream.
I no longer want to be involved in situationships that require me to silence half my voice, dilute my being to be fit to their preferences, or feel guilty about my whole self only being half-loved. There are things that I tell myself that are standard to receiving my love - character, ambition, respect, generosity, etc. - but fall short.
Why am I allowing myself to get excited over men doing things that should be considered necessary before I even consider dating? Have I really forgotten the principles of courtship to the instant gratification of the era that we live in? Why should I feel ashamed to say I want a emotionally stable, honest, attractive man with good credit, great relationships with his family, and an even better career?
In 2018, I want to attract high-vibrational and wholesome relationships into my life.
With the new year about to be in full effect, I think it's important that I begin to ask myself questions to reflect on why I have allowed my love life to be half-assed and half-full. Here are a few things I am learning in order to cultivate what I want and rid myself of the bare minimum syndrome for good:
Know What You Bring To The Table
When you know what you bring to the table, you have a platfrom to expect reciprocity. Because, honestly, no one likes an entitled sista. What are you willing to give and what do you bring to the table? Are we doing the bare minimum for ourselves so it's okay for others to do that as well? Raise the standard for yourself and therefore you'll attract that kind of partner into your life.
Know What Your Standards Are & Abide By Them
Once you know and understand what you have to bring to the table, you have the footnotes to provide when people snootily ask, "Well, you're asking for so much out of a partner. What do you even have to offer?"
Bring out the receipts, sis. What do you want from a partner? What do you expect? Are we compromising our standards to just say that someone is in our life or that we aren't alone? Are we so afraid of being alone and doing for ourselves that we're willing to accept anything? No, because we know our worth and we are abiding by the standards we've set. Don't settle for less when you know exactly who you are.
Make Sure The People In Your Life Who Reflect & Hold You Accountable
If the people around you don't hold themselves to a high standard, then they don't have the muscle mass to hold you up. Their uplifting will only be temporary. They will grow tired in their praise of you if you don't believe it or if they are not secure about themselves. Keeping positive, self-secure people around you will only elevate you, because they will not have the time to be around Debbie Downers or self-pity lobbyists. Queens recognize queens.
Find you a queen that sees your magic just as you see hers - she'll remind you if you're stepping out of your own boundaries for a partner real quick.
Observe How Much Energy & Effort A Man Puts Into Other Things
Do your homework. When an interest in a partner begins, you want to observe. How is he treating you compared to everyone else and the other aspects of his life? Once you get a clear vision of where he puts his efforts and his energy, you'll be able to see where you stand. Are you accepting the bare minimum from him? Is he going out of his way to provide for you or make time to get to know you? If not, you need to return to step number 1 and 2, and act accordingly.
There is no question that I am coming for everything that I deserve; therefore, accepting the bare minimum is no longer an option. I may have new years resolutions of minimalism but a minimalist love affair is not one of them.
I am learning the difference between low maintenance and low standards.
For a woman to be low maintenance, there has to be a high standard to exist regarding how a man treats you. When he's consistent in operating from a higher standard, it is low maintenance because it's the norm. When he's consistently operating from a low standard, you'll always be considered high maintenance because you're asking for more than what he is used to providing.
We need to stop confusing standards with preferences and confusing our assertiveness of these standards as being "too much" because a man's criticism is rooted in his inability to perform and deliver.
It's okay to set the bar high when consistently operating from your deepest, truest self. That's called knowing your worth.
When you know your worth, you know what serves you and doesn't. If you feel triggered by the truth coming full circle and making you look into the mirror, self-evaluate where you are, work on yourself, invest in yourself and raise your own stock so that you can raise your standards and turn in your Bare Minimum membership card.
Should excellence be expected or rewarded? Only you can answer that for yourself.
Featured image by Giphy
- Are My Standards Too High In Dating? Short Answer? No. - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 5 Relationship Standards You Shouldn’t Compromise On - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Are Your Love Standards Too High? | HuffPost ›
- 7 Reasons You NEED To Raise Your Standards For Men And Love ... ›
- The World's Standard Of Love Does Not Have To Be Your Standard ... ›
- Are Your Standards Too High? - ›
- Setting Standards for a Healthy Relationship | USC Center for Work ... ›
- The Double Standards On Love Island Have Been Laid Bare | News ... ›
Olivia Jade is a writer and creative engineer, intersecting wellness, culture, womanism, and self-development. She waters the flowers in her mind so others can recognize their own internal garden. Link up: @akaoliviajade (Twitter and IG) oliviajade.co
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
Courtesy
So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
Courtesy
What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
Courtesy
Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
Courtesy
Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
The millennial in me is nostalgic at best...and at worst, deeply, deeply yearning. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the past.
In the days of old, community was never hard to find. It was a knock on the door from a neighborhood friend who needed no invitation. It was trading jokes over lunch and lingering strolls after the final bell. It was choir practice on Saturdays and giggling in the pews on Sundays.
The love was free and plentiful, and my cup runneth over.
But there was a certain rhythm to the ’90s and early 2000s. People were ever-present in the most ordinary ways, and fortunately, this followed me well into adulthood. The door knocks have since turned into tequila shots, and brunch on Sundays became my new sanctuary, but you know...same thing!
However, life has changed drastically, and with it, so have we. Sometimes by force (2020..no other words needed, amirite), and other times by the natural, inevitable flow of growing up.
As we age, our identities become more defined. And while the people we’ve always loved still matter deeply, we start to crave new connections and experiences that reflect who we’re becoming.
When COVID reared its ugly head, not only did it disrupt the lives we knew, it pushed us to reevaluate the lives we want… and the people we want in them. For many, it exposed a loneliness that had already been there beneath the surface. It made space for questions we hadn’t slowed down to ask: What do I truly enjoy? Who do I feel most myself around?
After months of quarantine and isolation, we were left craving connection in a deeper, more intentional way. This sparked a renewed interest in “the third space.”
Coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg, the term refers to those places beyond home (first space) and work (second space) where people gather, build relationships, and foster community. Think coffee shops, libraries, dance studios, run clubs, and other environments that offer connection outside of our daily obligations.
My own desire to find like-minded folks has only intensified over the past few years. And as a self-proclaimed medicine woman and wellness enthusiast, I went looking for spaces that felt good, and found more than a few.
So if you're in NYC and searching for places that feed your spirit (and tend to your interests), consider this your starter guide. Whether it's a wellness club, a run group, or a kickball league, these third spaces might just feel like home.
A Safe Space Mentor
My Shaylaaa.
What started out as a simple offering from founder Teya Knapp has grown into one of the most intentional, heartfelt communities I’ve had the privilege to be part of. Together with COO Jasmine Dayze, they have cultivated more than a collective—it’s a movement rooted in community care, softness, and restoration.
A nonprofit centered on mental health advocacy and equity, A Safe Space Mentor has redefined the possibilities of communal healing. With over 22 fully funded retreats to date (yes, free), monthly programs ranging from support groups and hikes to pottery classes, free therapy, and now a physical home at A Safe Place Studios, they’ve built an ecosystem where people can show up fully and be accepted just as they are.
I came across them by chance, but as fate would have it, it allowed me to bloom in ways I never saw coming, surrounded by women who affirm and love me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I’m serious, ya’ll. Even at the risk of sounding dramatic: expect to be changed, to find friends, possibly even family, and maybe a group chat, too.
Beyond their no-cost offerings, they also host weekly yoga and meditation classes, massages, and more. Learn more about this beautiful space here, and keep an eye out for their upcoming Juneteenth gathering.
NARC
Who needs Hinge when there’s a run club? (Kidding... kind of.)
NARC, short for Not a Run Club, is technically a run club but with a twist. Co-founded by Omari Ross and Noah Hutchins, NARC takes a holistic approach to fitness and community. Picture track workouts, dynamic circuits, core finishers, followed by a post-workout brunch with the crew. Sure, the occasional match may be made, but at its core, NARC is about connection, movement, and showing up for yourself and others.
It’s the kind of space where most people arrive solo but rarely leave without a new friend or a new perspective. And personally? I never tire of seeing Black men love on one another out loud.
If you’re looking for a solid sweat (not gonna lie, it gives Olympic training at times), laughs, and folks that show up rain or shine, they’ve got you. Beyond the track, they also host boxing classes, hot yoga sessions, social mixers, and a number of other events. NARC meets every Saturday at McCarren Park at 10 a.m. unless otherwise noted. Learn more here.
The Music Nerds
My favorite part about The Music Nerds? The DJ. Scene Serene, a former music journalist turned vibe curator, created this club out of pure love for music and the Black people who create it. And that love is felt in every detail.
Past functions have celebrated Kendrick Lamar, Black women in music, and Virginia legends, each thoughtfully crafted to tell a story through sound. Here, you’re not just dancing, you’re feeling, remembering, and reflecting, too. Additionally, she kicks off each event with icebreaker quote cards to spark conversation, because the vibe isn’t just in the music; it’s also in the people.
That sense of connection comes full circle in her choice of venues, which are always Black-owned spaces that feel safe and inclusive for all Black folk. After all, if we don’t support each other, who will?
This isn’t just a party. It’s a celebration of culture, connection, and Black joy…and yes, it’s free! She’s cooking up some magic for the summer, so follow her here to stay in the loop.
SociaLight Social Club
For the anti-social socialite or the extrovert who wants a little more intimate play, the SociaLight Club might be your sweet spot.
Nayah, the founder, is all about curating intimate, low-pressure gatherings that bring people together through random yet delightful activities, all while supporting Black-owned businesses in the process.
From coworking days to supper clubs and nights building LEGOs, it’s the kind of space where you can show up as you are and end up discovering new people and new passions. It’s chill, it’s intentional, and very much a vibe. Keep up with her events here.
Recess Kickball League
Black folks deserve to frolic, dilly-dally, and straight-up play. And that’s the spirit behind Recess Kickball League. Though kickball is the anchor, it’s really about reclaiming joy through movement and connection.
Founded by five friends during the lockdowns of 2020 (Emmanuel Maduakolam, Christopher Thomas, Cris Jones, Daemon “Tubbs” Krueger, and Ermias Tessema), the club started as a way to get outside and let loose, and now it’s blossomed into a thriving community with leagues in both LA and Brooklyn.
If you’ve been looking for field day vibes and opportunities to love on your inner child, keep up with them here.
The Free Black Women’s Library
Tucked in the heart of Bed-Stuy, The Free Black Women’s Library is a cozy nook that centers Black women and holds space for book lovers, creatives, and community-builders alike.
Founded by OlaRonke Akinmowo, it functions as more than a library but a cultural hub. While every book is written by a Black woman or non-binary author, she also hosts grief workshops, writing circles, and curated events that honor both healing and imagination, too. Their monthly calendar is packed with offerings that meet you where you are, celebrating who we are and who we’re becoming.
And the best part? You don’t have to buy a book, you can swap one. Bring something you’ve read, and leave with something new. Keep up with them here.
Peak & Pace
This one’s for the runners and the lovers. If you’re looking to meet your future bae who’s into fitness and a good Sunday reset, Peak & Pace might just be your new favorite link.
Founded by London native Owen Akhibi after relocating to NYC, the club was born out of something a lot of us know too well: feeling a little lonely in a big city. So he created a space that brings people together who just so happen to run.
Every meetup ends with a social, and some runs come with fun themes like wearing flags repping your country to wristbands signaling your relationship status (lovers tap in!). Off the track, they host yoga, comedy nights, parties, and other events to build real connections. They meet every Saturday at Prospect Park at 10 a.m. Tap in with them here.
Free Peace Meditation Club
Free Peace Meditation Club offers a rare pause in the middle of NYC’s bustling Lower East Side, encouraging folks to be still in the midst of chaos while finding beauty in it, too. What began as a simple conversation between Kenji Summers and Angelo Baque has blossomed into a welcoming sanctuary where New Yorkers gather to unplug, recenter, and recharge.
Hosted monthly at the artfully decorated Awake NY, this community-driven experience invites participants to reconnect through guided reflection, mindful breathwork, and thoughtfully curated music that features the rich sounds of New York’s rap, R&B, and jazz artists. FPANYMC stands as a powerful affirmation that stillness is not a luxury but an essential practice. Keep up with them here.
Knot Okay Club
This one’s for the soft girls, the creatives, and anyone who’s ever needed to crochet their stress away.
Knot Okay Club brings Black women and non-binary folks together through fiber arts. It’s about slowing down, making something with your hands, and feeling held while you do it. The work might be small and intentional, but the connection? That’s the magic. Learn more about them here.
Girls That Gather
Lauren Franco started Girls That Gather after moving to NYC and realizing just how hard it can be to find genuine connections as an adult.
What began as a way to bring women together has grown into a go-to space for meaningful conversation and real friendship. From curated dinner parties to small, cozy events, everything is designed to feel easy and intentional. No awkward networking energy, just good vibes and even better people. Learn more about them here.
Adanne Bookshop
Adanne is one of those places that makes you want to linger.
Tucked away in Brooklyn and owned by educator Darlene Okpo, this Black woman-owned bookshop is as intentional as it is inviting. The books are curated with care, the energy is warm, and the events, from author talks to community gatherings to incense-making, always leave you a little more full than when you walked in.
It’s not just a bookstore; it’s a cultural anchor. Check out their events here.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash