On the morning of November 5, 2016 when I discovered Donald J. Trump would now be the leader of the free world, I, like hundreds of thousands of other Americans, was hurt in real life.
Around midnight the previous night, I decided to turn off the news and go to sleep, hoping I would wake up to a nasty upset where Hilary would come through like the underdog that she is and hit the polls with a mean alley-oop. That never happened, and I wondered what type of world we would be living in moving forward. Despite winning the popular vote, Hilary lost and reminded us all that it's not important to win the battle as long as we expect victory in the war, and that war is far from over.
More than 50 years after the civil rights movement, racial and social disparity are still in full effect and from poverty to police brutality, we see that reflected on a daily basis. It was scary to imagine an America led by someone so intolerant, and I had no idea what the next four years would look like, but I now know exactly what I'm looking for in a 2020 president-elect.
I have a dream of a world where men and women can walk around without being profiled for their skin tone, religion or headwear, whether that be a hijab, durag, or bonnet. I want to live an America where our criminal justice system protects instead of does harm to people that look like me. I hope that one day I'll be able to send my kids to school without worrying about a terrorist with mental health issues shooting said school up. We are very far from this idealization of America, but it is not impossible to make this vision a reality. The thing is, that can't happen without choosing a qualified leader. Since lately, Barack and Michelle Obama are booked and busy, we'll have to evaluate our other options.
Voting season is sneaking up on us faster than we can research the candidates, but never fear, xoNecole is here with a guide to every single candidate running for President of the United States in 2020.
Cory Booker
Age: 49
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Cory Booker attended a trifecta of highly ranked schools (Yale, Oxford, and Stanford) before he became the first Black U.S. Senator of New Jersey. He's currently dating actress Rosario Dawson and plans to reform the Democratic Party using love and unity. Sen. Booker believes in Medicare for all, legalization of marijuana, and also helped introduce the Keeping Families Together Act to Congress. He supports ending the pay gap and increasing nationwide minimum wage to $15/hour.
What He Said: "We have a choice in this election. To make it about one guy and one election and just get rid of him? I understand that call, but it's got to be about something bigger than that."
"We Democrats in this room, it can't just be about beating Republicans, no. This is a moral moment in our country where it's got to be about uniting Americans."
Pete Buttigieg
Age: 37
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Pete Buttigieg will be making all kinds of history if elected in 2020. Not only will he be the youngest person to ever hold the title in history, he will also be the first openly gay president-elect. Buttigieg was actually one of the first candidates to spark the conversation about reparations in this election, and believes in universal background checks when it comes to gun control. As a U.S. veteran who served in Afganistan, the Harvard grad has even gotten love from President Obama.
What He Said: "One of the things that every person should think about in the run-up to 2020, especially because there are so many people, is that it is not only the outcome, but it is the conduct of campaigns that will make an impact on political life in our country. The world is changing, but it is not changing on its own. So, if by bringing forward good ideas I can be part of chipping away at that, that is one more reason to give this a look."
Julián Castro
Age: 44
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Julian Castro, former mayor of San Antonio, served under President Obama as the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development and was considered as a viable VP during Hilary Clinton's campaign. As the grandson of an immigrant, this DC rookie is a supporter of Medicare for all, universal Pre-K, and reformed immigration policy.
What He Said: "I'm running for president because it's time for new leadership because it's time for new energy and it's time for a new commitment to make sure that the opportunities that I've had are available to every American. When my grandmother got here almost a hundred years ago, I'm sure she never could have imagined that just two generations later, one of her grandsons would be serving as a member of the United States Congress and the other would be standing with you here today to say these words: I am a candidate for President of the United States of America."
John Delaney
Age: 56
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: While most of the presidential hopefuls announced their bid earlier this year, this man has literally been running for president since 2017. Now that's dedication, people. The former banking CEO supports legal access to abortions, marijuana legalization, and universal Pre-K. I'm sure Delaney's an "OK" guy but I haven't seen any policies that particularly focus on people of color. Thank you, next.
What He Said: "I'm running on intentionally doing things to try to end the divisiveness. I think many other people are running on a more divisive approach and a more divisive agenda. The problem with that is it will leave us more divided and less prosperous because we won't do the things we need to do because we'll spend all our time fighting."
Tulsi Gabbard
Age: 38
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: This socially and economically progressive 37-year-old Iraqi war veteran did not come to play with Washington. Tulsi Gabbard was the first Hindu woman to join the United States congress and was endorsed by her Hawaiian hometown homie, Barack Obama. But here's the tea, as we all know, the internet doesn't let anything slide, including some homophobic comments Gabbard made in 2004 that she has since apologized for.
What She Said: "Our cause is to create a new and different path that reclaims our destiny and restores the uniquely American ideal: to seek a higher purpose greater than ourselves, to put service before self."
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand
Age: 52
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: This former U.S. House Representative is an anti-Trump sexual assault advocate who wants your vote, even if that means ignoring the fact that she can sometimes switch when it comes to her political stance on issues like immigration and gun control.
What She Said: "I am going to run for president of the United States because as a young mom, I am going to fight for kids as hard as I would fight for my own. It is why I believe healthcare should be a right, not a privilege. It is why I believe we should have better public schools for our kids because it shouldn't matter what block you grow up on. And I believe that anybody who wants to work hard enough should be able to get whatever job training they need to earn their way to the middle class, but you are never going to accomplish any of these things if you don't take on the systems of power that make any of that possible."
Sen. Kamala Harris
Age: 54
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Many people will say that I'm voting for Kamala simply because she's Black. And to that I say: You're damn skippy. Despite the multitude of criticism she's received about her political missteps as a prosecutor, this Oakland-born politician has been vocal about her beliefs in reforming gun control policy, Medicare for all, combatting the affordable housing crisis, and offering the middle class a tax credit if she's elected.
What She Said: "If I have the honor of being your president, I will tell you this: I am not perfect. Lord knows I am not perfect. But I will always speak with decency and moral clarity and treat all people with dignity and respect. I will lead with integrity. And I will speak the truth."
Sen. Amy Klobuchar
Age: 58
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Yasss, Amy. Come through with the purple scarf! This Minnesota senator has a reputation as a difficult (and even demeaning) boss who believes in bipartisanship. In the past, she's fought to lower student debt and has plans to reform both immigration policy as well as the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department.
What She Said: "I'm running for every parent who wants a better world for their kids. I'm running for every student who wants a good education. For every senior who wants affordable prescription drugs. For every worker, farmer, dreamer, builder. For every American. I'm running for you. I don't have a political machine. I don't come from money. But what I do have is this: I have grit."
Sen. Bernie Sanders
Age: 77
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Bernie's a leftist socialist who just won't quit. After losing to Hilary in the Democratic Primary in 2016, Bernie didn't give up his fight to turn America blue. He raised $6 million from donors in less than 24 hours and now, he's ready to make America feel the Bern. He was the lead sponsor on the Medicare For All bill in 2017, is a supporter of marijuana legalization, and wants to establish a path to citizenship for immigrants.
What He Said: "I'm running for president because, now more than ever, we need leadership that brings us together — not divides us up. Women and men, black, white, Latino, Native American, Asian American, gay and straight, young and old, native-born and immigrant. Now is the time for us to stand together."
Donald Trump
Um… Let's move on.
Gov. Jay Inslee
Age: 68
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Jay Inslee is the current governor of Washington and plans to tackle climate change head-on if's he's elected. Haven't heard him say much about women or people of color though. *Kanye shrug*
What He Said: "I'm Jay Inslee and I'm running for president because I am the only candidate who will make defeating climate change our nation's number one priority. We're the first generation to feel the sting of climate change. And we're the last that can do something about it. We can do this. Join our movement. This is our moment."
Gov. John Hickenlooper
Age: 67
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Hickenlooper is the former governor of Colorado and mayor of Denver. In the past, he was a geologist and business owner. Hickenlooper believes in expanding Medicaid and passing gun control legislation, but even if you don't vote for him, isn't his name just fun to say?
What He Said: "I'm running for president because we're facing a crisis that threatens everything we stand for. As a skinny kid with coke bottle glasses and a funny last name, I've stood up to my fair share of bullies. I'm running for president because we need dreamers in Washington but we also need to get things done. I've proven again and again I can bring people together to produce the progressive change Washington has failed to deliver."
Beto O'Rourke
Age: 46
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: When Beyonce has your back, you know it's real. Beto O'Rourke may just be the realest white guy on the ballot. In the past, he went viral with his amazing response to a voter who criticized Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players for taking a knee. The former El Paso congressman doesn't believe in a border wall, wants to improve immigration policy, and is in favor of abortion rights. But, on the other hand, homie gets a major side-eye for voting with Trump 30% of the time he was in office and nearly replacing a barrio in downtown El Paso with a big-box department store.
What He Said: "I am running to serve you as the next president. The challenges we face are the greatest in living memory. No one person can meet them on their own. Only this country can do that, and only if we build a movement that includes all of us."
Wayne Messam
Age: 44
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Wayne Messam is a former Florida State University football player who later became the first Black the mayor of Mirimar, Florida.
What He Said: "When you have a senior citizen who can't afford her prescription medicine, Washington is broken. When our scientists are telling us if we don't make drastic changes today, the quality of our air will be in peril, Washington is broken."
"Everyday people are graduating from universities with crippling debt stifling their opportunity for financial mobility, that is what's broken with this country. America belongs to all of us. The promise of America belongs to all of us. That's why I'm going to be running for president. To be your champion."
Rep. Eric Swalwell
Age: 38
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: This California politician has represented his house seat for 40 years and supports Medicare for all (without eliminating private insurers), banning assault rifles, removing interest on federal student loans, and reforming Trump's immigration policy.
What He Said: "I've talked to people who are just like me who are the first in their family to go to college, got a lot of student debt, can't buy a home, can't start a business. I've talked to kids who sit in their classroom afraid that they'll be the next victim of gun violence and they see Washington do nothing about it after the moments of silence and they see lawmakers who love their guns more than they love our kids. None of that is going to change until we get a leader who is willing to go big on the issues we take on, be bold in the solutions we offer, and do good in the way that we govern. I'm ready to solve these problems. I'm running for the president of the United States."
Marianne Williamson
Age: 66
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Best known as Auntie Oprah's spiritual advisor, best-selling author Marianne Williamson announced her bid for presidency at the end of January. Marianne stands behind reparations for Black Americans and fighting against the "spiritual and moral rot" that currently exists in DC.
What She Said: "Our national challenges are deep, but our political conversation is shallow. My campaign is for people who want to dig deeper into the questions we face as a nation and deeper into finding the answers.''
Rep. Tim Ryan
Age: 38
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Tim Ryan is an Ohio congressman who supports tech manufacturing, fair trade policy, and investment in Midwest companies.
What He Said: "I'm running for president because we have a real shot at uniting again — to restore the dignity of work and the feasibility of the American Dream. We have a chance to once again unite this country under our core principles and ideals."
Rep. Seth Moulton
Age: 40
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Seth Moulton is an anti-Trump war veteran who launched his campaign with a focus on national security.
What He Said: "I am running because I am a patriot, because I believe in this country and because I have never wanted to sit on the sidelines when it comes to serving it. I'm going to talk about patriotism, about security, about service. These are issues that for too long Democrats have ceded to Republicans, and we've got to stop that. Because this is actually where Donald Trump is weakest."
Gov. Bill Weld
Age: 73
Political Party: Republican
Bio: Is it me, or does this fella look like he's said the "n-word" a few times in his day? My bad, I know you can't judge a candidate by his cover so let's review the facts. In the past, this former Libertarian has supported LGBTQ and abortion rights and was a known whistleblower against corruption in the late 80s so I guess you aight wit me, Bill.
What He Said: "It is time for patriotic men and women across our great nation to stand and plant a flag. It is time to return to the principles of Lincoln — equality, dignity, and opportunity for all. There is no greater cause on earth than to preserve what truly makes America great. I am ready to lead that fight."
Andrew Yang
Age: 44
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Andrew Yang is the name and Universal Basic Income is the game. This presidential hopeful wants to give you $1,000 a month just for being American.
What He Said: "I've got a wife and two kids and I'm running for president to solve the problems of this era. We have this sinking feeling that our government is way behind the curve, and I'm trying to catch us up. I'm a lot more of a normal American than I have a sense that most people believe just by looking at me from afar."
"The issues are real. And so when I talk about issues that matter to the American people and propose solutions that people are excited about, then I'll take any voter — within limits. If they have racist or bigoted ideas, then I don't want their votes. But the vast majority of Trump voters I believe are just looking for some path forward."
Elizabeth Warren
Age: 69
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: The original O.G., Lil' Liz is currently a Massachusetts senator and has been in the game for a minute. Her current platform is universal childcare, making college free and erasing student loan debt, affordable healthcare, and issuing a tax on the 1%.
What She Said: "So here is the promise I make to you today: I will fight my heart out so that every kid in America can have the same opportunity I had — a fighting chance to build something real. I will never give up on you and your future. I will never give up on your children and their future. I am in this fight all the way."
Featured image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for NAACP
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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