

On the morning of November 5, 2016 when I discovered Donald J. Trump would now be the leader of the free world, I, like hundreds of thousands of other Americans, was hurt in real life.
Around midnight the previous night, I decided to turn off the news and go to sleep, hoping I would wake up to a nasty upset where Hilary would come through like the underdog that she is and hit the polls with a mean alley-oop. That never happened, and I wondered what type of world we would be living in moving forward. Despite winning the popular vote, Hilary lost and reminded us all that it's not important to win the battle as long as we expect victory in the war, and that war is far from over.
More than 50 years after the civil rights movement, racial and social disparity are still in full effect and from poverty to police brutality, we see that reflected on a daily basis. It was scary to imagine an America led by someone so intolerant, and I had no idea what the next four years would look like, but I now know exactly what I'm looking for in a 2020 president-elect.
I have a dream of a world where men and women can walk around without being profiled for their skin tone, religion or headwear, whether that be a hijab, durag, or bonnet. I want to live an America where our criminal justice system protects instead of does harm to people that look like me. I hope that one day I'll be able to send my kids to school without worrying about a terrorist with mental health issues shooting said school up. We are very far from this idealization of America, but it is not impossible to make this vision a reality. The thing is, that can't happen without choosing a qualified leader. Since lately, Barack and Michelle Obama are booked and busy, we'll have to evaluate our other options.
Voting season is sneaking up on us faster than we can research the candidates, but never fear, xoNecole is here with a guide to every single candidate running for President of the United States in 2020.
Cory Booker
Age: 49
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Cory Booker attended a trifecta of highly ranked schools (Yale, Oxford, and Stanford) before he became the first Black U.S. Senator of New Jersey. He's currently dating actress Rosario Dawson and plans to reform the Democratic Party using love and unity. Sen. Booker believes in Medicare for all, legalization of marijuana, and also helped introduce the Keeping Families Together Act to Congress. He supports ending the pay gap and increasing nationwide minimum wage to $15/hour.
What He Said: "We have a choice in this election. To make it about one guy and one election and just get rid of him? I understand that call, but it's got to be about something bigger than that."
"We Democrats in this room, it can't just be about beating Republicans, no. This is a moral moment in our country where it's got to be about uniting Americans."
Pete Buttigieg
Age: 37
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Pete Buttigieg will be making all kinds of history if elected in 2020. Not only will he be the youngest person to ever hold the title in history, he will also be the first openly gay president-elect. Buttigieg was actually one of the first candidates to spark the conversation about reparations in this election, and believes in universal background checks when it comes to gun control. As a U.S. veteran who served in Afganistan, the Harvard grad has even gotten love from President Obama.
What He Said: "One of the things that every person should think about in the run-up to 2020, especially because there are so many people, is that it is not only the outcome, but it is the conduct of campaigns that will make an impact on political life in our country. The world is changing, but it is not changing on its own. So, if by bringing forward good ideas I can be part of chipping away at that, that is one more reason to give this a look."
Julián Castro
Age: 44
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Julian Castro, former mayor of San Antonio, served under President Obama as the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development and was considered as a viable VP during Hilary Clinton's campaign. As the grandson of an immigrant, this DC rookie is a supporter of Medicare for all, universal Pre-K, and reformed immigration policy.
What He Said: "I'm running for president because it's time for new leadership because it's time for new energy and it's time for a new commitment to make sure that the opportunities that I've had are available to every American. When my grandmother got here almost a hundred years ago, I'm sure she never could have imagined that just two generations later, one of her grandsons would be serving as a member of the United States Congress and the other would be standing with you here today to say these words: I am a candidate for President of the United States of America."
John Delaney
Age: 56
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: While most of the presidential hopefuls announced their bid earlier this year, this man has literally been running for president since 2017. Now that's dedication, people. The former banking CEO supports legal access to abortions, marijuana legalization, and universal Pre-K. I'm sure Delaney's an "OK" guy but I haven't seen any policies that particularly focus on people of color. Thank you, next.
What He Said: "I'm running on intentionally doing things to try to end the divisiveness. I think many other people are running on a more divisive approach and a more divisive agenda. The problem with that is it will leave us more divided and less prosperous because we won't do the things we need to do because we'll spend all our time fighting."
Tulsi Gabbard
Age: 38
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: This socially and economically progressive 37-year-old Iraqi war veteran did not come to play with Washington. Tulsi Gabbard was the first Hindu woman to join the United States congress and was endorsed by her Hawaiian hometown homie, Barack Obama. But here's the tea, as we all know, the internet doesn't let anything slide, including some homophobic comments Gabbard made in 2004 that she has since apologized for.
What She Said: "Our cause is to create a new and different path that reclaims our destiny and restores the uniquely American ideal: to seek a higher purpose greater than ourselves, to put service before self."
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand
Age: 52
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: This former U.S. House Representative is an anti-Trump sexual assault advocate who wants your vote, even if that means ignoring the fact that she can sometimes switch when it comes to her political stance on issues like immigration and gun control.
What She Said: "I am going to run for president of the United States because as a young mom, I am going to fight for kids as hard as I would fight for my own. It is why I believe healthcare should be a right, not a privilege. It is why I believe we should have better public schools for our kids because it shouldn't matter what block you grow up on. And I believe that anybody who wants to work hard enough should be able to get whatever job training they need to earn their way to the middle class, but you are never going to accomplish any of these things if you don't take on the systems of power that make any of that possible."
Sen. Kamala Harris
Age: 54
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Many people will say that I'm voting for Kamala simply because she's Black. And to that I say: You're damn skippy. Despite the multitude of criticism she's received about her political missteps as a prosecutor, this Oakland-born politician has been vocal about her beliefs in reforming gun control policy, Medicare for all, combatting the affordable housing crisis, and offering the middle class a tax credit if she's elected.
What She Said: "If I have the honor of being your president, I will tell you this: I am not perfect. Lord knows I am not perfect. But I will always speak with decency and moral clarity and treat all people with dignity and respect. I will lead with integrity. And I will speak the truth."
Sen. Amy Klobuchar
Age: 58
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Yasss, Amy. Come through with the purple scarf! This Minnesota senator has a reputation as a difficult (and even demeaning) boss who believes in bipartisanship. In the past, she's fought to lower student debt and has plans to reform both immigration policy as well as the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department.
What She Said: "I'm running for every parent who wants a better world for their kids. I'm running for every student who wants a good education. For every senior who wants affordable prescription drugs. For every worker, farmer, dreamer, builder. For every American. I'm running for you. I don't have a political machine. I don't come from money. But what I do have is this: I have grit."
Sen. Bernie Sanders
Age: 77
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Bernie's a leftist socialist who just won't quit. After losing to Hilary in the Democratic Primary in 2016, Bernie didn't give up his fight to turn America blue. He raised $6 million from donors in less than 24 hours and now, he's ready to make America feel the Bern. He was the lead sponsor on the Medicare For All bill in 2017, is a supporter of marijuana legalization, and wants to establish a path to citizenship for immigrants.
What He Said: "I'm running for president because, now more than ever, we need leadership that brings us together — not divides us up. Women and men, black, white, Latino, Native American, Asian American, gay and straight, young and old, native-born and immigrant. Now is the time for us to stand together."
Donald Trump
Um… Let's move on.
Gov. Jay Inslee
Age: 68
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Jay Inslee is the current governor of Washington and plans to tackle climate change head-on if's he's elected. Haven't heard him say much about women or people of color though. *Kanye shrug*
What He Said: "I'm Jay Inslee and I'm running for president because I am the only candidate who will make defeating climate change our nation's number one priority. We're the first generation to feel the sting of climate change. And we're the last that can do something about it. We can do this. Join our movement. This is our moment."
Gov. John Hickenlooper
Age: 67
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Hickenlooper is the former governor of Colorado and mayor of Denver. In the past, he was a geologist and business owner. Hickenlooper believes in expanding Medicaid and passing gun control legislation, but even if you don't vote for him, isn't his name just fun to say?
What He Said: "I'm running for president because we're facing a crisis that threatens everything we stand for. As a skinny kid with coke bottle glasses and a funny last name, I've stood up to my fair share of bullies. I'm running for president because we need dreamers in Washington but we also need to get things done. I've proven again and again I can bring people together to produce the progressive change Washington has failed to deliver."
Beto O'Rourke
Age: 46
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: When Beyonce has your back, you know it's real. Beto O'Rourke may just be the realest white guy on the ballot. In the past, he went viral with his amazing response to a voter who criticized Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players for taking a knee. The former El Paso congressman doesn't believe in a border wall, wants to improve immigration policy, and is in favor of abortion rights. But, on the other hand, homie gets a major side-eye for voting with Trump 30% of the time he was in office and nearly replacing a barrio in downtown El Paso with a big-box department store.
What He Said: "I am running to serve you as the next president. The challenges we face are the greatest in living memory. No one person can meet them on their own. Only this country can do that, and only if we build a movement that includes all of us."
Wayne Messam
Age: 44
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Wayne Messam is a former Florida State University football player who later became the first Black the mayor of Mirimar, Florida.
What He Said: "When you have a senior citizen who can't afford her prescription medicine, Washington is broken. When our scientists are telling us if we don't make drastic changes today, the quality of our air will be in peril, Washington is broken."
"Everyday people are graduating from universities with crippling debt stifling their opportunity for financial mobility, that is what's broken with this country. America belongs to all of us. The promise of America belongs to all of us. That's why I'm going to be running for president. To be your champion."
Rep. Eric Swalwell
Age: 38
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: This California politician has represented his house seat for 40 years and supports Medicare for all (without eliminating private insurers), banning assault rifles, removing interest on federal student loans, and reforming Trump's immigration policy.
What He Said: "I've talked to people who are just like me who are the first in their family to go to college, got a lot of student debt, can't buy a home, can't start a business. I've talked to kids who sit in their classroom afraid that they'll be the next victim of gun violence and they see Washington do nothing about it after the moments of silence and they see lawmakers who love their guns more than they love our kids. None of that is going to change until we get a leader who is willing to go big on the issues we take on, be bold in the solutions we offer, and do good in the way that we govern. I'm ready to solve these problems. I'm running for the president of the United States."
Marianne Williamson
Age: 66
Political Party: Democrat
Bio: Best known as Auntie Oprah's spiritual advisor, best-selling author Marianne Williamson announced her bid for presidency at the end of January. Marianne stands behind reparations for Black Americans and fighting against the "spiritual and moral rot" that currently exists in DC.
What She Said: "Our national challenges are deep, but our political conversation is shallow. My campaign is for people who want to dig deeper into the questions we face as a nation and deeper into finding the answers.''
Rep. Tim Ryan
Age: 38
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Tim Ryan is an Ohio congressman who supports tech manufacturing, fair trade policy, and investment in Midwest companies.
What He Said: "I'm running for president because we have a real shot at uniting again — to restore the dignity of work and the feasibility of the American Dream. We have a chance to once again unite this country under our core principles and ideals."
Rep. Seth Moulton
Age: 40
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Seth Moulton is an anti-Trump war veteran who launched his campaign with a focus on national security.
What He Said: "I am running because I am a patriot, because I believe in this country and because I have never wanted to sit on the sidelines when it comes to serving it. I'm going to talk about patriotism, about security, about service. These are issues that for too long Democrats have ceded to Republicans, and we've got to stop that. Because this is actually where Donald Trump is weakest."
Gov. Bill Weld
Age: 73
Political Party: Republican
Bio: Is it me, or does this fella look like he's said the "n-word" a few times in his day? My bad, I know you can't judge a candidate by his cover so let's review the facts. In the past, this former Libertarian has supported LGBTQ and abortion rights and was a known whistleblower against corruption in the late 80s so I guess you aight wit me, Bill.
What He Said: "It is time for patriotic men and women across our great nation to stand and plant a flag. It is time to return to the principles of Lincoln — equality, dignity, and opportunity for all. There is no greater cause on earth than to preserve what truly makes America great. I am ready to lead that fight."
Andrew Yang
Age: 44
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: Andrew Yang is the name and Universal Basic Income is the game. This presidential hopeful wants to give you $1,000 a month just for being American.
What He Said: "I've got a wife and two kids and I'm running for president to solve the problems of this era. We have this sinking feeling that our government is way behind the curve, and I'm trying to catch us up. I'm a lot more of a normal American than I have a sense that most people believe just by looking at me from afar."
"The issues are real. And so when I talk about issues that matter to the American people and propose solutions that people are excited about, then I'll take any voter — within limits. If they have racist or bigoted ideas, then I don't want their votes. But the vast majority of Trump voters I believe are just looking for some path forward."
Elizabeth Warren
Age: 69
Political Party: Democratic
Bio: The original O.G., Lil' Liz is currently a Massachusetts senator and has been in the game for a minute. Her current platform is universal childcare, making college free and erasing student loan debt, affordable healthcare, and issuing a tax on the 1%.
What She Said: "So here is the promise I make to you today: I will fight my heart out so that every kid in America can have the same opportunity I had — a fighting chance to build something real. I will never give up on you and your future. I will never give up on your children and their future. I am in this fight all the way."
Featured image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for NAACP
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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