7 Unapologetic Women Share Their Personal Journey To Self-Love
Self-love can be the best love but most of us have had to go through a journey of self-hate, or at least intense dislike, before we reached the pot of gold on the other side. From loving ourselves at any size to embracing the quirkiness we can't seem to shake, we were all built and wired differently for a reason. And the sooner we welcome this and all that comes with it, the better. The best part? We're not alone. As women, we are all on our own journey of getting to a space where we love ourselves and embrace all that we are.
Seven women have bravely and vulnerably shared their journey of self-love, what they've had to go through to get to a healthy space, and how they make sure it never leaves their side and life.
Melanie Santos
Photo by Taylor Perez
"Self-love is undoubtedly incredibly necessary to a person's well-being."
I think the term "self-love" is incredibly saturated right now, so it's important to give yourself the time and space to define what it means in your own life, that is, without getting stuck in surface-level wellness practices like manicures and solo-dates. I like to pamper myself as much as the next person, but to me, self-love means finding the courage to dive into the deepest, darkest parts of your relationship with yourself. It's becoming comfortable with your shadows and listening to and nourishing your mind, body, and spirit accordingly.
I struggled with loving myself for most of my life due in part to subconscious conditioning from my upbringing and just being a young American girl growing up in the 90s; a time ripe with societal pressure to believe and consume, consume, consume.
Growing up in a traditional Latinx-Caribbean family, I was predisposed to having a contained view of what wellness looked like for "people like us". Severely important topics like mental health were kept hush-hush unless it pertained to major events like a mental breakdown or suicide. I grew up believing that therapy was only for "crazy people".
Years of unaddressed anxiety, depression, and panic attacks prevented me from loving myself fully and not loving myself prevented me from having healthy relationships with others. It wasn't until I had my own mental breakdown where I was debilitated for over a week with anxiety and suicidal thoughts that my family considered that I might actually need help.
Over a decade later, I am still healing through self-care practices like therapy, eating more whole, plant-based foods, and spending honest time with myself, but I have fully acknowledged that there is nothing wrong with me. I love myself fully even though my mental illnesses are something I have to navigate daily. Knowing that I am worth a love that fills every part of me has allowed me to heal my relationships, including the once painful relationship with my husband. Remembering who I am and loving myself like I know it is a full-time job, one that I'm now well-versed in.
Self-love has evolved with me through the years. I am a mother to a beautiful, brilliant brown-skinned girl now, so knowing that my self-love will influence how she forms her thoughts about herself and love, I am deliberate about loving every part of me. Aside from doing the work at home, I've created a career around holding safe spaces to talk about self-love and the dark, uncomfortable "symptoms" that come with it. I take pride in being vulnerable with the world as a way to teach the world to be vulnerable with themselves. That's how important self-love is to me.
Ashley
Photo by @lifeasro_
"Self-love is having self-respect, confidence, and truly being happy with who you are as a person."
When my dog passed away, I was really depressed and started eating to take my mind off things, thinking it would make me feel better. I began to gain weight and became so disgusted and disappointed in myself because I couldn't fit any of my clothes anymore and I had no one to blame but myself. I stopped taking pictures of myself and started declining invitations to go to events unless I really had to go because I hated how I looked.
I realized that the only person standing in the way of me getting back in shape was myself. I wasn't putting the right food in my body, so I took the initiative to start juicing and working out regularly. I also realized that just because I gained some weight didn't mean I wasn't beautiful. I accepted myself at the stage I was in and really pushed myself to start to get back to how I used to be. I am still not where I want to be yet, but it's a process.
Now, I'm intentional about practicing self-love regularly. I always try to start my day by thinking about one thing that I am grateful for. I also celebrate my wins, no matter how big or small they might be and honestly, I am very patient with myself. I have the tendency to be very hard on myself, so I take moments to acknowledge my persistence and truly appreciate where I am now because it's so much better than where I was years or even months ago.
Charmaine Charmant
Photo by Victoria Saperstein
"To me, self-love means loving yourself unconditionally. It means embracing your individuality and trusting yourself to forge your own path with confidence."
If there's anyone that understands how difficult it can be to love the skin you're in, it's me. I don't think there was ever a time in my life that I wasn't aspiring to reach a goal weight, but I struggled the most in my late teenage years.
When I entered my first year of college, my obsession with weight loss hit an all-time high. One winter break while I was home in NYC, I made my way up to Washington Heights to visit a doctor who wrote diet pill prescriptions for anyone that could shell out $60. The pills essentially suppressed my appetite, and they were not FDA approved. You would take the pill, have coffee for breakfast, and eat spinach with 8oz of meat for dinner. That was it. I followed the diet and spent 45 min in the gym every day; it was such an unhealthy time in my life. My family begged me to stop, my doctor ordered me to stop, and only my closest friends knew what I was doing. I was in that routine on and off for two years.
It took me a while, but I realized I was trying to fix something that wasn't broken. I was so lost in my thoughts that I never stopped to appreciate the abundance of what I had: a beautiful, well-functioning body that was showing up for me every day. It also hit me that I would never be as young and beautiful as I am in the present moment. I used to have random flashbacks to my skinniest moments and think about how crazy it was that in those moments, I was still obsessed with losing weight. That was another major turning point because it made me realize that I had to change the narrative moving forward. I committed to honoring and loving myself no matter what.
It didn't happen overnight. Like all things in life, loving myself required work. Everything is connected, so learning how to listen to my body and follow its lead was important. I started paying attention to everything; the people I was surrounding myself with, the media that I was consuming, and how different situations made me feel. I eliminated all the bad energy in my life and stopped frequenting spaces that made me feel undervalued. I engaged in physical activity that made me feel confident and rested when I needed to.
I am so happy that I learned how to love myself unconditionally. Not only am I healthy, but I now have these amazing memories of embracing my body and empowering other women, which are some of my proudest moments!
To me, self-love means loving yourself unconditionally. It means embracing your individuality and trusting yourself to forge your own path with confidence. It means working towards achieving your wildest dreams with no shame. It means doing the work now so that you can look back at yourself in the future with no regrets.
I embrace self-love by seeking out what happiness means to me as an individual and developing a checklist tailored to my specific needs. I don't need to look like anyone else, obtain the same credentials, or live my life according to anyone else's standards.
LaKeidra
Courtesy of LaKeidra
"Self-love is a constant journey."
I've had many moments in my past where my physical appearance caused me to have a difficult time loving myself, even recently. In addition, being in my early 30s and still working through my personal expectations of "where I should be" has also caused me to get down on myself from time to time. It's important to note that self-love isn't just about loving how you look.
Self-love revolves around acceptance and honesty for me. It's accepting who I am, where I am and how I show up. But it's also being honest with myself in instances where I am capable of more or deserve more. It's a balancing act and is about being in tune with yourself and your needs at any given time.
Going to therapy is key! It helps me confront the beliefs I have about myself and think about the practices I engage in day-to-day without knowing. Due to therapy, I have been able to be more self-aware and notice when I'm not feeling my best. When I notice, I take time for myself to breathe, calm my anxiety and affirm myself and then come up with a plan of action if needed. Literally this weekend, I sat down and took a few hours to refocus because I felt myself getting into old habits of comparing my journey to others and feeling less than. It definitely helps to pause and be present. I'm still working on it, but I'm taking control of my life as much as I can.
Miata Shanay
"As a whole and healed person, I know self-love to be caring enough about myself to unapologetically discard anything that doesn't hold me in the highest regard."
It's funny because about four years ago, I thought "self-love" was a concept people were using just to pawn off on me because I was going through a break-up. It felt like a send-off or a dismissal. Now, as a whole and healed person, I know self-love to be caring enough about myself to unapologetically discard anything that doesn't hold me in the highest regard. Anything that treats me or makes me feel less than? Gotta go! That's friends, jobs, sex partners, AND pants sizes! It's also being grateful for what I've been blessed with. Oftentimes, we long for something more when what we have is enough. His grace is sufficient, and so are my small boobs. They're fine how they are!
I've totally struggled with self-love before. I had no idea where to start because as a teenager, I'd become so attached to the idea that a significant other validated me. I thought, "If this kind of guy chooses me, that means I'm worthy. That means I have permission to feel confident." So, when I got in a relationship with a narcissist and he constantly critiqued and compared me to other women, I longed to be like those women because it'd satisfy him and validate me. NO MA'AM! Never again! Men will have sex with a bottled water; they don't care! Why should I base my confidence on some man?
I overcame my struggles with self-love by doing the work. First, you have to be willing, and I knew the way I treated myself (staying in a narcissistic abusive relationship, ripping myself to shreds in the mirror, skipping meals, etc.) wasn't working for me. It was only adding to my destruction. So, I watched more Iyanla, I read more books, spent time with people who love me unconditionally, I went to church, journaled, and I masturbated. I really did my work. The "work" looks different for everyone.
I still aim to embrace self-love by appreciating all stages of myself. Sometimes when I take my weave out, I have a beat of nervousness because I've grown used to the way I look with a Kardashian middle-part. My natural hair is a short bob. And I have to literally tell myself, "This is beautiful, too." I'm constantly working on re-wiring my brain to work for me and not against me due to my past relationships, and I feel like it's working for me. I'm proud of myself!
Jalysa
Courtesy of Jalysa
"I make time for the things I love and bring me joy. On the flip side, I take myself out of situations that do not serve me well. I think a big part of self-love is setting boundaries and doing what is best for you."
It is really easy to embrace the things we like about ourselves or feel great when we're really good at something. It's also a really beautiful thing to acknowledge and love our "flaws" because they are unique to who we are as a person. Self-love is accepting myself, flaws and all! It's also taking the time to do things that make you happy. Whether it's getting rest, doing your favorite workout, or spending time with loved ones. We are the best version of ourselves when we are happy.
I've been on this journey to self-love/acceptance since I was in high school. There was a point in time where I wished I had a lighter skin complexion, smaller lips, and was two sizes smaller. I really struggled with body image and my appearance for a long time. There have also been times where I felt like I never "fit in" and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. With social media being so big these days, it's easy to compare ourselves to others which is a terrible cycle to get stuck in. Thankfully, there are a few different things that have helped me over the years.
For starters, I am a huge advocate for therapy and know that it has helped me tremendously. I can tell a difference when I go more consistently. The company we keep is also extremely important for numerous reasons and I became very intentional with who I spend time with and energy on. I also made it a point to surround myself with more Black women. It was honestly something I never knew I needed but has been such an amazing life change for me.
I look at how far I have come over the years, and that alone makes me proud of who I am. We all have different struggles; but when we look back and see that we overcame them, who wouldn't love that? I try to surround myself with positive, uplifting, inspiring people and it makes such a difference. I make time for the things I love and bring me joy. On the flip side, I take myself out of situations that do not serve me well. I think a big part of self-love is setting boundaries and doing what is best for you. I take all of these things into account often and I truly believe that I am the best version of myself these days. Once I started implementing them, I noticed that others started telling me, "You look happy." That is one of the best compliments you can receive.
Keisha Nicole
Courtesy of Keisha Nicole
"Self-love for me today is being sensitive to what I need, when I need it and just giving in to ME."
It's work. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. It's less self-pity and more of mastering self-control and not allowing your thoughts to consume you negatively. It's appreciating the scars and turning them into beauty marks.
My struggle started with my family. My cousins are mixed with Black and Hispanic and my side of the family is 100% Black. I didn't always feel like I fit in because some of my cousins are lighter-toned and I wanted to be like them. As a young girl, I couldn't understand why I wasn't mixed like them. Then, I was from one of the only two Black families at my elementary school and again, I wanted to be what I saw around me. I can vividly recall the sting I felt one day at school when a little girl said to the kids around me, "Don't play with Keisha, she's a Black girl!" That truly affected me.
I also grew up as the chubby girl. I didn't have the most confidence, so I found other ways to make people like me which was through my personality. I was truly shaped mentally and emotionally by what people thought of me. That's where my struggle with self-love stemmed from.
I think one of the funniest comedians is Katt Williams. People give him a hard time or think he's crazy the way he speaks his mind, but he said something that resonated with me and should with anybody. During one of his standup comedy shows, he spoke to the women about self-esteem and said, "It's called SELF-ESTEEM... esteem of yourself!" That's where self-love begins or is taken away; when we're looking for it outside of ourselves, that influence or stripping of our identity can happen early. And you don't know this when you're a little girl, but over time and the older you get, you really start to see how it's shaped you in the wrong way. So, I had to really reprogram my mind, reprogram my thinking.
I took a step back and realized that I was throwing myself into like-relationships that didn't deserve me. I've always known that I had this really dope energy, but it just seemed like everything around me was sucking that energy FROM me. I literally started throwing myself into work. I became the ambitious, over-achieving, competitive and just "all-in" chick.
When I got my first big break, I left a radio station in L.A. and relocated to Louisville, Kentucky. I created an anti-bullying campaign for kids who were bullied. I knew how it felt to be talked about, judged or left out by other kids for what you didn't have or how you looked. The most pivotal moment of that experience was sitting with that same group of kids afterward, discussing what we had been through. It was supposed to be for the kids, but it ended up being life-changing for me.
Part two of me overcoming was when I started valuing myself and getting into shape. It wasn't about just losing weight, it was about the discipline. Getting disciplined in this one particular area of my life really helped me discipline other things, like my emotions and the people I allowed into my space. I was able to get clarity and focus on just ME. This is when I started learning to truly love ME.
Today, I practice self-love by saying no and not settling for less in one-sided relationships. There were times when I didn't love myself enough, I would stay in a situation where I KNEW someone didn't value me. When I think back on it, I'm glad that despite how I was feeling, I would wake up and tell myself every day that I'm a boss and push through; I had to do that for me and over time I grew stronger. I continue to protect myself from anything that makes me feel less than and I try not to allow any negative energy into my space.
Through my journey, I learned that self-love is unconditional. You have to be patient and you have to be kind to yourself. I value the simple things and make sure that I give myself mental breaks (so underrated). Even if that's just waking up on the weekends to take a bike ride. Self-love for me today is being sensitive to what I need, when I need it and just giving in to ME.
Featured image courtesy of Taylor Perez
Originally published on October 10, 2019
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
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Featured image by We Are/Getty Images