Guys Can Smell Cheap Self-Love
A man can smell confidence.
He knows when you really love yourself, and he also knows when you're full of sh-t. He knows when what you're demanding is a reflection of what your standards really are, and he knows when you're just telling him how you think things are supposed to be. He smells you, and it doesn't take long to figure out if it's the real deal or the knockoff.
After one conversation, he will know if he has to bring his A-game, or if you'll be down for all of him, so it's important that your words match your actions.
My mouth recited the standards I came up with in my head so perfectly. It had them down to a T, and I knew them like the back of my hand. Everything sounded exactly how it should and I just knew a man worth loving was going to appreciate and abide by them. But that was my problem. My standards were only apart of a script I had come up with after reading countless blogs and relationship goals memes on Twitter.
My actions were the complete opposite of what I was requiring from men.
I was able to fake it during the "talking" phase, but as soon as I became his girlfriend, my standards went out the window along with my faux confidence. Where were my standards after the first time he disrespected me? Where were my standards after the first time he broke his promise? Where were my standards after the first time I found out about another woman? Where were my standards and confidence then?
One thing I've learned is that there's three things a man loves with all his heart: sex, food, and a woman who does not need his ass.
There's nothing he loves more than a woman who allows him in her life simply because she wants him there.
Not because she's trying to find someone to "complete" her. Not because she's trying to fall in love with herself through him. Not because she needs him. No matter how often guys tweet how they need a girl with a big booty, perky tits, and a crazy head game, at the end of the day all they want is a woman who loves the hell out of herself enough to not keep taking him back when he cheats on her instead of continuing to answer the phone when he keeps walking in and out of her life, or allowing him to Netflix and chill everyday.
Having confidence comes with great responsibility. It requires you to not only hold other people accountable, but yourself as well. In the past, holding my partner accountable in a relationship came with the possibility of losing that relationship and I didn't want that. I bet he was able to time my favorite "this is the last time, I swear I'm done" line. "1, 2...go," and there I was spitting that line out on cue while he probably wanted to laugh in the middle of him telling me how he would change and make it up to me.
It became a cycle because I didn't love myself enough to put an end to it.
Having confidence means never letting yourself or others get too comfortable. If your self-love is a knockoff, you tend to get comfortable in the bed of broken promises, let downs, and dysfunction.
After a while, anything else seems weird or "too good to be true."
Women have been taught that love is about staying down and remaining loyal through the good and the bad. We've been taught that "eventually he's going to realize what he has." But we often forget that he can't do that if you haven't even realized who you are first. Your self-love will remain cheap until you become fully aware of the power that lies within loving yourself.
Are your actions matching your words? Let me know how you practice self-love.
Candice McCoy is a writer and Howard University Alumna who think she can change the world with words. You can find her spilling real thoughts on real topics on her blog Life In A Pile.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage