There is no way for me to hide the absolute joy unspeakable that I have about the fact that fall is just a few days away (September 22)! While there are a billion-and-one things that I adore about this time of the year, one of my favorites is preparing warm dishes, on purpose, to contrast the cooler weather that's headed our way.
At this point, it's kinda becoming a tradition for me to share some of the food trends that are big during each year. So why break with tradition, right? If you enjoy cooking (or you're so-so about it but you want to cook more this fall), here are 10 popular things that totally hit the spot when it comes to autumn-focused foods and drinks (by the way, all of the hyperlinks on foods are connected to recipes. Enjoy!).
1. All Things Apple
It's kinda crazy that we see apples all year-round considering they are in season from late July thru early November yet we'll have to get into the kind of preservatives that are oftentimes put in foods so that we can eat them 12 months out of the year at another time. For now, what I'll say is since the fall is harvest season and apples are being picked in abundance during this time of the year, this is when you should enjoy making as many apple-inspired meals as possible. Apple pie. Apple crisp. Apple butter. Applesauce. Apple waffles. You name it.
2. All Things Pumpkin
You already know. The signature fruit for fall is definitely the pumpkin. Makes sense too since it's in season from mid-September through November. While the first dish that probably comes to your mind is pumpkin pie, don't sleep on other ones like pumpkin bread, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin soup, pumpkin pancakes and even pumpkin milkshakes!
3. Espresso
If you've ever wondered what the differences are between a cup of espresso vs. a cup of coffee, the short long of it is they both are brewed differently which results in espresso being a thicker and more concentrated form of whatever coffee bean you're consuming. It's also like taking "a shot" of the bean because while coffee servings are oftentimes eight ounces, espresso is usually just one.
That said, as far as heaping hot brews go, this year, it's espresso that's getting a lot of attention. If you're curious about what some of the current best beans are, Roasty Coffee did an article on the topic. You can check it out here.
4. Pickling
Again, since fall is harvest season, I shouldn't be shocked in the least, just how much I've been reading about pickled veggies. Basically, when you choose to pickle a food, you are allowing it to ferment in a brine or vinegar solution (think cucumbers turning into pickles). The health benefits of pickling are pretty cool because it can help you to better digest your food, curb sugar spikes, increase your antibiotic intake, treat muscle cramps and balance your electrolytes. Plus, pickling is so much better for you than canned goods. If you'd like to attempt to do some pickling this fall, it's a lot easier to do than you might think. Click here to watch a video that will walk you through it.
5. Hot Chicken “Junk Food”
I live in Nashville, so of course, I smiled when I saw that hot chicken was a big fall food trend right now (I mean, Nashville Hot Chicken, right?). Hot chicken burgers. Buffalo chicken pizza. Hot chicken wings. Hot chicken chili. Homemade buffalo chicken sauce. If hot chicken is totally your thing, then this is totally your season to dig all the way in!
6. Sweet Potatoes
I like sweet potatoes a lot. One, because they taste great and two, because they're considered to be a perfect food (that basically means that they have a ton of nutrients in them). This is another food that goes really well with being a fall food trend because it's harvested between September and early October. Sweet potato fries. Mashed sweet potatoes. Sweet potato cornbread. Sweet potato guacamole. And definitely sweet potato pie. You can't go wrong with putting some of these in your grocery cart. That's for sure.
7. Mocktails
Whether you realize it or not, whether it was intentional or not, I'm pretty sure that you've had a mocktail before. It's simply a cocktail that doesn't have any alcohol in it and this is another thing that is big this fall season. I mentioned in the intro that I would hyperlink recipes to all of the specific kinds of foods that I mention. Well, for this, I decided to share mocktails that have a fall theme to them. Caramel Apple Pie Mocktail. Sparkling Citrus Pomegranate Mocktail. Non-Alcoholic Sangria. Maple Pear Sparkler. Mocktail Kahlua Coffee Frappuccino. These are just some of the ones that particularly caught my eye.
8. Vegetarian Soups
Ah. Vegetarian soups. This makes me think about the interesting relationship that I have with tomato soup. For one thing, I absolutely have to crave it. Secondly, I don't really like it unless I can have a homemade grilled cheese sandwich along with it. And boy, if that doesn't say "welcome to fall", I'm not sure what does.
Quinoa Vegetarian Soup with Kale. Vegetarian Tortilla Soup. The Absolute Best Lentil Soup. Chipotle Butternut Squash Chili. Classic Minestrone Soup. Lawd, is there anything better than curling up on your couch when it's cold outside and sipping on a cup of hot homemade soup? I doubt it. I seriously do.
9. Comfort Foods
Comfort foods are just that — foods that bring us comfort, joy and relaxation. The challenge with consuming them all of the time is many of them are high in sugar and/or carbs. Still, being that comfort foods are another huge fall food trend, try to not totally deprive yourself of things like macaroni and cheese, chicken and waffles, deep dish pizza, lasagna (meat here and veggie here) and whatever it is that your favorite auntie likes to make around the holiday season. The way I see it, comfort foods shouldn't be avoided, just consumed in moderation. Enjoy, sis.
10. Tea
Raise your hand if you're shocked that tea is a big fall food trend. If anything, I'm thinking that we're all giving a collective "duh". Still, since herbal tea helps to hydrate, boost immunity, improve digestion, prevent chronic diseases and even stimulate brain function, definitely take out a few moments to check out my shout-out to teas via "10 Hot Drinks To Keep You Warm This Fall & Winter" and "10 'Uncommon' Teas You Should Add To Your Stash (& Why)". So, set aside a weekend to finish that book you've been trying to get around to all year-long and don't forget to have a warm cup of tea while you do it. It's one of the best ways to ring in the fall season. No doubt about it.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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