While it's not often that I'll write a marriage-related article that is specific to a particular year, after the ride that 2020 has been, I thought it was absolutely necessary to do so. One of the main reasons why is because, I can't tell you how many times I've read articles with headlines like, "US divorce rates skyrocket amid COVID-19 pandemic". The reasons why vary. Some folks aren't used to spending so much time, day after day, with their partner. Other couples are struggling because of the financial stress and strain that the pandemic has caused. Then there are those who are only looking to love to keep them together, when a marriage needs the manifestation of that love to look a lot different than romantic comedies or novels portray.
That's where today's article comes in. Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is beneficial. And, despite what the media may say, marriage is still relevant. But when you're being constantly tried and tested, like this year is relentlessly doing, it's important to know what things you may need to prioritize in your marriage—not just so it will last, but so it can remain really healthy too. You ready to read what makes my top six list?
1. Empathy
2020 has been nothing short of a trip times one billion. Yet, out of all of the things that I've seen that has really caused me to pause, it has to be the lack of empathy that, let's be honest, masses of people have shown. Not wearing masks to protect others? Apathy. Acting like social justice is nothing more than an annoyingly passing trend? Apathy. Misusing Scripture to serve some twisted racist agenda? Apathy. Shoot, overlooking the needs of others when they know that they can do something to help them out? APATHY. Hmph. And don't even get me started on my sessions with couples. While I do most certainly agree with the late Ruth Bell Graham when she once said, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers" (single folks, if you are a grudge holder, stay single. You're not a realistic candidate for marriage if you're not good at forgiving others. Marriage requires A LOT of it. Just ask a married person), something that I think doesn't get nearly enough of a "marriage shout-out" is empathy.
An empathetic person is a really dope individual, to me. The reason why I say that is because, they go beyond merely feeling bad for someone (like a sympathetic person tends to do); they actually are intentional about trying to identify with someone's thoughts and feelings.
Some signs that someone is empathetic? They care deeply about others. They are very proactive about solving problems (because they loathe conflict). Their intuition is pretty on point. No pun intended but, for better or for worse, they are very sensitive. And they listen in order to really and truly understand what is going on.
If you really let all of those traits sink in, I'm pretty sure you can get why I said that husbands and wives need buckets and buckets of empathy in order to make their marriage, not just "work", but last and thrive. That's why, in a year that is filled with so much loss, mayhem and even confusion, I wholeheartedly believe that if there's one way to keep a marriage intact, it's when both individuals are committed to being empathetic towards one another. Not just when they "feel" like it—consistently so.
2. Intimacy
I once read a quote that said, "Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you let text you at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when 10 other people are asking for it. Intimacy is about the person who is always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are." OK, let me just say that, while I dig this quote, I TOTALLY disagree with the first line. Well, let me actually put it this way—if a word was added to it, I'd be down with it. "Intimacy is not JUST about who you let touch you." I've written way too many articles on marriage and sex (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life", "7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It", "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex", "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex" and "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides"…for starters) to act like physical intimacy, including sex, shouldn't be a very top priority in a marital union. Because, after all, who else are you having sex with if you've got a spouse? (A layered question, I know but y'all get my point.)
However, the reason why this particular point isn't a shout-out to just sex alone is because, what I adore about the quote, is it defines intimacy as putting your partner on the very top of your favorite person and to-do list, on a daily basis. It speaks to the fact that, no matter what else may be going on, when your spouse hits you up, has a need, seems disconnected in some way—everything else needs to be put on pause until they are addressed. This kind of intimacy speaks to your spouse being your bestie. This kind of intimacy speaks to cultivating quality time. This kind of intimacy speaks to them feeling safe, comforted and reassured whenever they are in your presence. When two people are truly intimate with one another, especially when the outside world is so disheveled and uncertain, it brings a true peace that passes all understanding into the relational dynamic. An intimate couple is pretty close to unshakable. That's why intimacy—both physical and emotional—is oh so very important; especially in times like these.
3. Humor
I like me a (super) tall, dark and handsome man, just as much as the next sistah. Yet two things that have always been equal turn-ons is intellect (whew, a smart man is sexy AF) and humor—matter of fact, for me, it's more like wit because wit is brilliance with a sense of humor. A funny man can make you smile. A funny man can get your mind off of whatever is stressing you out. A funny man tends to see the silver linings in things. All of that is needed in a marriage, don't you think?
Matter of fact, there is a particular married couple I know who struggles quite a bit. I've observed them enough to know that a huge part of their problem is the husband is hilarious while the wife is a killjoy in basically every sense of the word. There is a substantial age difference between the two (she's older) and so, the things that he finds to be really funny, she patronizes him over (kind of like how Stella was in the movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back). When there are trying times and he tries to shed some light on it with humor, she chalks it up to him not caring. The entertainment that he finds fun and funny, she berates him over. Who wants to live like that?
An indie Black film that I find really cute (partly because Jason Weaver is in it and I've pretty much always been a fan of his, plus I have a bit of a girl crush on Caryn Ward) is He's Mine Not Yours. In the movie, Gabrielle Dennis plays his girlfriend while Carl Payne plays his bestie. When Gabrielle's character realizes that she's at risk of losing her man, Carl Payne's character tells her to "lighten the hell up". AMEN. There are plenty of medical studies which support the fact that humor helps to relieve stress. Not only that but it helps to combat feelings of fear and anxiety and even reduces the physical feelings of pain while boosting one's immune system.
While you can't control all of the mayhem that might be happening right outside of your front door, what you can do is control the energy inside of your own home. Watch some comedies together. Tell— and listen to—some jokes. Avoid always having to have "deep and serious" conversations all the damn time. Like Carl Payne's character said, LIGHTEN UP. Humor is not only a beautiful trait in a relationship, in many ways, it can be a real lifesaver. Again, there is plenty of science to prove it.
4. Spirituality
While I don't have any social media accounts, sometimes I will tiptoe in to see what people are talking about. I think it was on xoNecole's Instagram where someone gave me a compliment that really made me smile. In reference to an article that I wrote earlier this year entitled, "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone", someone said (paraphrased), "I'm not a religious person and I thought this was gonna be really preachy, but it was actually great."
Do I think that God should be a part of every marriage? I am a Bible follower, so yes, I do. Genesis 2, Ephesians 5 and I Corinthians 11:1-16 are just three places in the Word that speak to that very fact. However, even if you're not "big on the Bible" or religion (of any kind because hopefully we all know there is more than Christianity out here), reportedly 87 percent of Americans still believe in God—a higher power who controls things that we simply cannot. The reason why this mindset is so vital in a marriage is because there are gonna be days, weeks, seasons even, when your marriage is gonna try and test you like nothing else. During those moments, if you're solely relying on yourself and/or your partner, at the very least, you're gonna end up being severely disappointed because you're human (which makes you flawed) and your partner is human (which also makes them flawed). If you add to that the fact that, even when both of you strive to do your best, there are still gonna be time when you both are going to miss the mark—there has to be room made for spirituality. Mediation (including orgasmic meditation). Prayer. Devotional time together. Spending time in nature. Both of you mutually deciding to release what is putting pressure onto the relationship, so that you both can put your trust and faith in God.
2020 has thrown us some real doozies and the year ain't over yet. Take some pressure off of yourself, as well as your spouse, by letting spirituality remind you that all you can do is what you can do. A higher power has to take over after that.
5. Accountability
Man, if any year has revealed the true colors and tendencies of folks, 2020 would have to be it. And when you learn how some folks really are vs. how you thought that they were, the disappointment—if not flat-out shock—can shake you to your very core. If you're not careful, it can also cause you to question if you can truly trust anyone; including—and perhaps especially—your spouse. That's why, when it comes to the list of what marriages need more than ever, I thought it was imperative to put accountability on the list.
Accountability is simply about giving an account for what you say and do. While, in the marriage context, it's certainly not about your partner feeling like they should police or parent you, they should definitely feel like they can ask questions and you will give an honest answer, that you will do what you say you are going to do and, that you both can fully rely on one another to celebrate each other's strengths and challenge areas of weakness so that your characters can become better and your relationship can ultimately thrive.
I've shared before that I've got an ex-boyfriend who used to say that marriage should be a sanctuary, a place of refuge—and I totally agree. A part of what comes with feeling safe within a marital union is knowing that, not only does your partner totally have your back, but they are your biggest fan in the sense that they want to see you become your best self—and so, they will hold you totally accountable so that you can be just that. In a world that is currently filled with so much disingenuousness, while accountability doesn't get a lot of credit, it really is a blessing to know there is someone who wants you to be…a wonderful you. Other than yourself, your spouse should be that person. Without question.
6. Endurance
If you've been reading my stuff long enough, you know that, while I am not even remotely the "average kind of Christian" when it comes to how I see things and move about (check out "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?"), something that I am a HUGE fan of is the Bible. That's why, whenever I go to a wedding and a couple is looking all googly-eyed at each other as they recite the Love Chapter (I Corinthians 13:4-8), there are usually two things that come to my mind. One, love says NOTHING about being happy all of the time; still, a leading reason for why a lot of couples end their marriage is because "they're not happy anymore" (we'll have to really unpack that on another day). And two, when they state that love is patient and love endures, I always wonder if they looked those words up, just to make sure that they really mean what they are saying. Hear me when I say that neither of those words are for the weak. Not by a country mile.
I've actually broken down the word "patience" on this site quite a bit. A patient person isn't just someone who knows how to wait; they are also an individual who "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". According to the Good Book, LOVE IS PATIENT, so if you don't know how to deal with hardship, pain or even annoyances without remaining calm, not complaining (that's a big one) or not popping off all the time—are you as "in love" as you think? (Ouch and amen, right?)
As far as endurance goes, it's a "big boy and big girl word" too. Endurance means "the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions". Another way to look at this is, someone who endures has stamina and, according to the Bible, love "…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (I Corinthians 13:7-8—NKJV) Does this mean that you're called to endure abuse? Absolutely not. Yet I'll tell you this. In my over a decade of counseling couples, when physical abuse has come into play, it's actually been the wives hitting on their husbands (also another topic for another time) and when it came to affairs, those happened in both directions. Other than that, couples have wanted to end things for a lot less than abuse or affairs. It's been because they are bored, they feel like they've outgrown their partner (or felt like they chose the wrong one) or marriage simply wasn't what they thought it was going to be. In those cases, sometimes the word "endurance" needs to be brought into the equation more than it usually is.
No one said that marriage was easy. Sometimes, it's going to try you like nothing else ever could. Yet when you make the choice to endure because you love your partner, you adore your relationship and you know that seasons come and go—that kind of strength is what matures you, what benefits you and what equips you to handle things like this year in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise.
2020 has been something. It continues to be. But I really do believe, with everything in me, that if you and your spouse put these six things into daily—shoot, sometimes hourly—practice, your marriage will make it to 2021…and beyond. Hold each other close, OK? Your partner needs you. You need them too.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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