Recently, a guy friend of mine and I were talking about how I was reading up on words that apparently seduce men and women — and how hilarious it was that, while a lot of the articles for women contained a ton of words, many for men listed very few. My friend didn’t even hesitate when he said, “Hmph. Probably because we are bigger on tone anyway.” Listen, if you’re already triggered by that sentence, then I absolutely am writing this with you in mind. LOL.
Because, like it or not, tone is extremely important when it comes to communication. Google’s AI Overview's take on the topic is, “Tone is crucial in communication because it adds emotional meaning to words, shapes how a message is received, and influences relationships.” A Forbes article on tone shared that one study revealed that over half of the people polled stated that tone is even more important than content when it comes to interacting with individuals on a professional level.
According to an article that was featured on American Scientist, both men and women prefer leaders with a lower pitch to their voice (which also speaks to tone). And many professionals (including myself) who work with couples will be quick to say that if your tone ain’t right while speaking with your partner — something isn’t going to go as well as you would like it to. If not immediately, eventually.
And what all of this boils down to is, when our mother (or grandmother) told us, “Hey, watch your tone,” as we were growing up, they were actually onto something. Because if you want to be received fully and well, you’ve got to be willing to factor in how your tone comes across to other people.
What Does Your Tone of Voice Consist Of?
GiphyPitch. Pace. Volume. Timbre. This is pretty much what makes up your tone of voice. Pitch is about how high or low your voice is and there is research to support that a higher-pitched voice conveys either stress or intimidation. Pace is about the speed of your speech — and the faster you talk, the harder it is for people to comprehend and process what you are saying.
Volume is about how loud or soft you are — and while sometimes speaking louder can help to emphasize a point that you are making, it can also come across as aggressive and overbearing (which is usually a complete turn-off), if you’re not careful. And timbre? Timbre is all about how you are choosing to express your emotions and attitude (this is a big one); although this is a word that is oftentimes reserved for singing voices — in several ways, it translates over into talking as well.
Okay, so as we go a little bit deeper into what it means to communicate effectively with your tone of voice — consider the four things that I just shared (pitch, pace, volume and timbre) as we move into the next point.
Be Honest: Would You Want People to Speak to You How You Talk to Them?
GiphyI have a naturally loud voice — I am well aware. I also know that I’ve got quite a bit of “timbre” to me (LOL). And so, over the years, praise God for friends who would hold me accountable for making sure that both of these things became a bit more “even” — because as another male friend of mine once told me years ago, “You are so brilliant that when your tone is off, you kind of come off as an a*shole.”
Chile, I get it. If you’re not an idiot, your vocabulary is semi-vast and you come across with an elevated voice and some sarcasm or cynicism in your tone — I mean, who wants to hear any of that? What worked for me was taping myself sometimes while engaging with other people and yep — he was right: words typically don’t need a lot of volume and, as far as sarcasm goes? I once read an article that said the word comes from some Greek ones that actually mean “tearing of the flesh” (geeze).
And well, when you think about it, sarcasm really can oftentimes come across as being condescending or dismissive — and again, who really wants to interact with that type of energy? For me, I realized that once I was more intentional about lowering my voice and watching my timbre — the words I shared were easier for others to receive, even if they weren’t ones that they exactly easy to take or even agreed with. And boy, has this served me well in my life coaching practice.
You know, last year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Texting Your Friends This One Question Will Reveal A Lot About Your Relationship.” Basically, it’s about asking your friends to give you one word to describe what you currently bring into their life. It’s one way for you to see how you are helping or even potentially harming them with your presence. Well, if you want to know how your tone comes across — ASK THEM that too.
It also can’t hurt to do what I did and record yourself talking to a few people. Then ask yourself, “Would I want them to speak to me the way that I am speaking to them?”. BE HONEST. The answer just might surprise you. Oh, and don’t get defensive when it comes to what your friends tell you about your tone. Ask for their thoughts on four parts of tone — pitch, pace, volume, timbre — along with why they feel the way that they do about it.
Based on their responses, I’m not saying that it will automatically or necessarily be a comfortable conversation; I do believe that it can be hella beneficial for you, though.
5 Hacks for Improving Your Tone
GiphySo, what if, after getting really real with yourself, you come to the conclusion that there are some things that you can stand to improve about your tone. What (else) can you do about that?
1. Think about the timbre that you wish to convey. While reading an article about tone, I thought it was interesting that the author said that there are “forms of tone” that we all tend to use — understanding, sincere, respectful, playful and encouraging were just some of the ones that she mentioned. Yeah, it really is a good idea to not just “give off a tone” without thinking which emotion that you want to get across, so when it comes to communicating effectively, consider this point first.
2. Speak with intention more than emotion. An author by the name of T.F. Hodge once said, “Intent is what establishes one's consequential outcomes" — and hear me when I say that if you INTEND to be heard well, it’s a good idea to be more focused on your words than your emotional state, especially if you are in the midst of a debate or an argument. It’s not because your emotions don’t matter; however, you’ve got to make sure that they aren’t so “big” that your words get lost in the sauce.
3. Make sure that your words and tone are “in agreement.” Harmony. Harmony is a word that speaks to balance. So, say that you are having a conversation with someone and you feel like you are being misunderstood. Yelling your point or being flippant and dismissive in your tone is probably going to put the other person on the defensive and, in turn, cause them to “turn up the volume” of their voice and/or attitude too.
That’s why a tone of wanting to give clarity is better than a tone of being pissed off — and that’s why restating your thoughts in a question tone like, “What part of what I said seems unclear?” instead of saying, “Nevermind! You never listen to me” with a tone of accusation is always going to be more beneficial in the long run.
4. Always strive to be “receivable.” The elders used to say that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar — and when it comes to communication, a part of what this means is if your tone is pleasant, you can “get away with” saying a lot more than if it isn’t. So, before speaking, ask yourself if you are about to speak in a way that can be…received by who you are talking to. Are you using honey (smooth and sweet) or vinegar (harsh and bitter)?
5. Remember the “truth in love” rule. Ephesians 4:15 talks about the value of speaking “truth in love” — and that’s why I’m not a really big fan of the term “brutal honesty.” Already, if you are in the mindset of communicating that way, I’m pretty sure that, at the very least, your tone is going to be off-putting. Instead, go into conversations deciding that, no matter what truth you are about to speak, there will be some LOVE in it. I Corinthians 13 says that love has patience and kindness in it. How can you ever go wrong with that?
___
A wise person once said, “Communicating is one thing, but your tone while communicating is everything.” If you live by that, you’ll be amazed by how much your communication skills with others will improve.
How much you will be heard, felt and respected — all because, yes, you watched your tone.
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Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
