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7 Ways Married Folks Can Respect Their Single Friends More
Back in the day, there was a wife who, when it came to the subject of marriage, she used to talk to me like I was in junior high school. What I mean by that is, after she got married, she suddenly started acting like she had to either speak slower (like I wouldn't "get it" otherwise) or walk on eggshells when it came to topics like romantic relationships, sex and the day to day demands of her life, as if my being single somehow meant that I couldn't even begin to comprehend such matters. Lawd, that was draining. It's literally like when some people's tax forms switch over from "single" to "married" (no tax form says "dating" by the way; some of y'all will catch that later), they start acting like they should automatically be elected to the role of mentors — sometimes even "second parents" — to single folks…whether we asked them to do that or not seems to be completely irrelevant.
I've had this conversation far too often with other single people to know that this is actually an issue that should be addressed on an en masse level. Because while I know that a lot of single people will agree with me and say that marriage is a beautiful thing, that doesn't mean that there aren't times when we don't feel like we should be given more respect than we are oftentimes granted, by the married folks in our lives, while we in our single state. And so, if you're a married person reading this and you're not quite sure what I mean when I say this, I've got seven examples of where I am coming from.
1. ASK Us What We Need
I'm pretty sure that much of this particular point stems from Black church culture because, in spite of the fact that two of the biggest influencers of the Bible (Christ and Paul) are single, for some reason, a lot of Christians seem to think that marriage is an elevated relational status. Listen, I am a marriage life coach and a HUGE fan of marital covenant relationships. At the same time, I know that singleness is also a huge blessing and so, there is no hierarchy when it comes to who deserves more respect.
With that being said, is it just me or does it seem like some married people can't help but speak with a patronizing and condescending tone? It's like they automatically think they know more or better and therefore, many tend to tell us what we need (or need to do) rather than ask.
Look, I've dealt with a lot of husbands and wives who rank really low on the self-awareness tip. At the same time, I know many singles who thrive in this lane. Besides, a key component to any healthy dynamic is asking more than assuming. So, when it comes to what we need — emotionally, relationally, personally, or otherwise — ask us. We know more than a lot of y'all tend to give us credit for. Especially about ourselves. Geez.
2. Don’t Assume That We Have More “Free” Time than You Do
I've shared before that, while I don't tend to attend a whole lot of weddings (because I see them as sacred events; not just "something to do" on the weekends), when I do go and if it's a really close friend of mine, I have absolutely no problems with sobbing like a baby. A part of the reason is because I am thrilled that they are in their new season. Another reason is because I know that a part of our relationship is going to shift (check out "Your Bestie Just Got Married. Here's What You Should Expect From Your Friendship.") and while I'm happy for my friend, that is still something that I need to grieve. That said, though, just because my friend will need more time to focus on her marriage, that doesn't mean that I'm a single person who's just sitting around and twiddling my thumbs.
Lawd, if there's one thing that drives, just about every single person up the entire wall (just ask them), it's when there's an assumption that if we're not married (and/or have kids) that somehow the demands of our own lives aren't just as pressing. The only difference is your priorities and ours are different; however, our world can still be just as full. So, to assume that we can talk when you can or that we're available on a dime because you are— that is not only delusional but pretty presumptuous and arrogant as well.
3. On the Flip Side, Make Time for Us (Like We Make Time for You)
On the flip side to the point I just made, there's this one. A while back, I wrote "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'" for the platform because…it's the truth. For example, I try not to call my married friends at night or on the weekends (even if it's so much easier for me) because I want to be sensitive to them using that as an opportunity to spend time with their family. I also get that sometimes I have to be a little bit "on-call" when it comes to us making dates because when someone is accountable to another human being, sometimes their schedule can't be as "firm" as mine is.
At the same time, though, my married friends know that sometimes, they need to be open to being a little bit inconvenienced too because, just because I'm single, that doesn't mean I've just got a wide-open schedule where I can just show up on a whim whenever they happen to have some free minutes because their spouse suddenly has something else to do. Just like I have to accommodate their time, they need to make time for me. That's how relationships work and marriage isn't the only kind of dynamic that requires compromise along with some old-fashioned give and take.
4. Be HONEST with Us About What Marriage Entails
A couple of weeks ago, two different wives commented about how they wished I would get married soon. Because both conversations transpired over the phone, they couldn't see me rolling my eyes. However, they did both hear me say, "Girl, for what? Do you hear what you say about your own marriages on this call? I'm in no rush" — and I'm not. It might seem weird to say that one way that married folks can respect singles more is by being honest about their own marriage yet here's where I'm going with that — some of y'all paint marriage like it's some sort of real-life version of a fairy tale or rom-com. And because you don't tell the REAL STUFF, you get some of your single friends all hyped for the good side of marriage without them being mentally and emotionally prepared for the challenges that come with it too.
Personally, I appreciate the married people in my life who are more in the lane of "Look, I love my spouse; I still have moments when I really miss my single days, though" because they are being upfront about the fact that there are pros and cons to both relational statuses. At the end of the day, you are honest with the people you respect. Be more honest with us, so that we know exactly what we are getting ourselves into when it comes to marriage — that way, we can make a far more responsible decision…if/when the time comes.
5. Honor Our Special Days…Like We Honor Yours
Hands down, one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City is when Carrie lost a pair of her shoes at a married friend's baby shower. When her friend initially refused to pay for them (citing that they were a frivolous expense; see, there goes that "cocky" thing that I was talking about), Carrie said that she was throwing a party for herself and registered the shoes. Her friends got the point and made the purchase. Checkmate.
Have mercy. There is one married person, in particular, who I can't tell you how much money I've spent on all of their special occasions that have centered around their marriage and their kids. And yet, over that same time, I can't think of one present I've received from them. Ever. Talk about a hustle above all hustles. Birthdays matter to some of us. Promotions matter to some of us. Reaching certain goals matter to some of us. As a married person, your job isn't to decide if a day or situation is worthy of celebration in your eyes. As our friend, if we say that it's to be honored, you should follow suit…just like we do for y'all…just ask our bank account.
6. Acknowledge Our Accomplishments Outside of Our Relational Status
If there's one thing that a lot of us church-going (or used to be church-going) singles can agree on is that many churches could stand to do A LOT better when it comes to singles ministries. I once wrote an article for the site entitled, "10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'" and so I'm well-aware of the fact that with words like original, exclusive, and special to describe what it means to be single, we've got it going on, on a few levels. That's why it's beyond shallow (and a little condescending) to think that the only thing that we should be praised for or you should get super excited about is the guy we're seeing or if/when he decides to propose.
Ask us about our job or career path. Ask us about what our plans are over the next several months. Ask us about what makes us tick outside of our hearts and libidos. Just like I'm pretty sure that you don't want anyone to treat you as if your only identity is being someone's spouse, at the same time, we don't want to feel like the only accomplishment you will ever fully and enthusiastically acknowledge is if we're "officially" with someone.
7. Don’t “Demote” Us
Listen, we're not stupid. We get that as you get deeper into this thing called "marriage", you are going to accumulate some more/new people in your life who can relate to what you are going through. All good. Still, just like I tell the cynics who somehow think that just because I'm single, I have no insight into how to make a marriage work, "50 percent of marriages fail, so don't assume that a lot of married people know what to do either." Wisdom is wisdom, regardless of the source. And so, if you saw value in us prior to you jumping the broom, why in the world would that change, just because you are married?
We're still smart. We can still provide some pretty profound ah-ha moments. We can still offer up some support and encouragement. You being married and us being single doesn't change any of that. Respect what we still bring to the table and watch how it continues to only enhance your life — like it always has. Right? Exactly.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images