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Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude
When I finished my MBA years ago, the reality of the economy I had graduated in chin-checked me like nobody's business. Everyone told me, "Go to school, get good grades. You'll be making no less than $50,000 out of grad school." Life had other plans entirely.
I did what I was told. I was supposed to be on Easy Street but no one would hire me. Adding insult to injury, though I had two degrees, I hadn't bolstered my experience the way many of my classmates had with internships, fellowships, and part-time work in the field of their choice. I was ill-prepared.
To say that I grew bitter would be an understatement. I stayed in bed, shutting everything out but Netflix and Twitter - ensconced in misery, terrified of what would (or wouldn't) come next. I resigned myself to pout over what my college experience didn't give me. I pointed the finger at lack of opportunities and ill-equipped mentors. Jealousy grew for those around me who were pressing forward, living in ways I knew I wanted to.
I wallowed with half-cocked ideas but no plan of follow-through for almost a year. There wasn't one particular moment that changed everything, I just got sick of myself. I got tired of fruitlessness. I got tired of seeing everyone advancing while I ate Golden Oreos and watched Saving Grace.
Truth? Until I decided to check myself and do the inner work (peace to #blkcreatives), I was going to continue to be miserable. So, I did the emotional, mental, and spiritual self-surgery. Don't get me wrong -- it hurt like what I imagine removing a bullet feels like. But it grew me up. It made me better.
Being honest with yourself about yourself is always hard if you're not used to it - but once you give it a go, it becomes cake. Here are the three steps I took to Debo'ing myself up out of a terrible attitude and ensuring that if I did fall into a rut in the future, I'd never stay too long:
I Acknowledged My Part
The main question (and most painful at times) I asked myself was, "How did I get here?" I thought about all the decisions I made - or didn't make - that directly influenced where I was. I was the common denominator. There were plenty of decisions I didn't think through. There were choices I made out of fear or hurt or anger. I had to own every twist and turn.
It's fruitless and foolish to remain in the same spot simply because we're angry at being in said spot.
Yes, factors outside of us play a part but the part we play is the principle role.
I rattled off questions like, "Have you been proactive or only ever reactive to what's going on in your life? Do you fly by the seat of your pants or do you plan? Do you live from a purely emotional place or do you use wisdom?" Once I answered honestly and humbly, I could see my pathology, where I needed to grow, what steps I could take to start, and who I needed to enlist for support.
I Made A Different Choice
I know that opinions on life coach and spiritual teacher, Iyanla Vanzant, are mixed to say the least but one piece of advice that she gives has stuck with me like soul food to the ribs:
"Make a different choice."
It's profound in its simplicity and it's so easily applicable. I didn't have to go get a third degree or wait on someone else to scoop me up and change my life. All I had to do was assess what I had been doing up to that point and decide differently. No one was holding me back or making me miserable but myself.
I had every bit of power it took to do something completely different and all I had to do was choose to.
All I had to do was make up my mind to do so.
I Fed Myself Good Things
Yes, I put away the Golden Oreos and picked up a healthier lifestyle. I even committed to vegetarianism for a few months. But feeding myself good things traveled further than food. Playlists had to change. Music with a positive, forward-thinking message began to rule the airwaves for me. I began to study and practice mindfulness - noticing what I was thinking (not judging myself - just noticing), and shifting my thoughts to something else. For every negative thought, I had a roster of positive ones to combat them - like guerilla warfare.
For example: If I was feeling particularly bummed about finances, thinking, "Dang, I'm broke." I would notice what I was thinking and immediately combat that with, "Where there was once lack, better financial decisions are now preparing the way for abundance." To avoid slipping back into bitterness and anger, you have to arrest and reverse the thoughts that do the most damage to your will and your spirit.
Curate your life in a way that nudges you into the mindset and lifestyle you desire.
This is a day-to-day practice and battle against everything that wants to keep you stuck. Choose to be better everyday by inundating your life with the good. Mute the gossip on the timeline. Unfollow accounts that stir up impostor syndrome. There is no shame in positive life modification to help build your self-esteem, focus, and spirit.
I Came Clean With My People
Isolation is one of the number of ways we develop all sorts of terrible behaviors and thought processes. Though not easy, I stopped shutting everyone else out. At first I felt weak for needing to talk through things. Over time, I recognized that no one can survive - sane - without leaning on others for help, guidance, and encouragement from time to time.
I started hanging out with girlfriends whose lives reflected the positive spirit I craved. I sat down with my family and let them know I was going through it. They told me about myself and then they embraced me with all the love I needed to continue to turn things around.
Related: In My Feelings: Why You Can't Let Your Emotions Control You
We're human. God wouldn't have given us the ability to feel if we weren't meant to. But when we allow our emotions to rule us and change us into people who can't hear, can't receive, and refuse to do better, we pull the plug on an impactful future.
I periodically remind myself that my disposition and state in life are wholly and completely my own choice. At some point, your perpetual anger isn't about what others have done to you or taken from you, it's just your choice of disposition. How you move forward rests solely at your own feet.
So, what's your choice?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."