A boy proposed to a girl. She rejected. He was not sad. When his friends asked him why he was not sad, the boy said, "Why should I be sad? I lost someone who didn't love me. But she also lost someone who truly loved her."
If you happened to read my article on soulmates, you already know that I have a pretty unconventional way of looking at them. For starters, I don't think that soulmates are only romantic connections or that they mimic the characters in rom-coms. Personally, I think that soulmates are individuals that come into our lives to make our souls better. And, in order for that to happen, sometimes growing pains transpire along the way.
Along these same lines, as far as love relationships go, I also don't believe there is just one person for each of us. What I mean by that is, out of the 7.63 billion people living on this planet, shoot, there are at least a dozen folks that every person could fall in love with and be happily committed to for the rest of their life.
Now, with that on record, I also think that God has someone who is His absolute best for us (although most of us are too impatient to let Him bring us to that person). I also think that, when choosing a partner, we don't need to just factor in who gives us butterflies, whose personality we like most, or even who we have the most in common with.
Life experiences and the wisdom that comes from them is teaching me that when we choose someone, we also choose the path that we want to go on in life.
I'll give you an example. There's a man from my past where things didn't work the first time around simply due to bad timing. No more, no less. Fast forward to a few years ago, when we caught up, he's still fine (and still some mo' fine), he can still make me blush and giggle like a little girl and we still are compatible in many ways.
Still, I had to let him pass.
Some of y'all will probably look at me like "What in the world were you thinking?!" That's a fair question. What I was thinking is that he's not on the kind of path that I want to be on. He's working in a profession and has the kind of schedule that I know I wouldn't gel with. When I think about the calling that's on my life, I think it would clash with, not complement his. The thought of waking up each morning in his world doesn't excite me. To me, these are the kinds of things that people should think about when it comes to getting into a long-term relationship with someone. Unfortunately, most of us…don't.
And just what does all of this have to do with the title of this particular piece? That's a good question too. Last year, my heart was broken in such a way that it took me a while to breathe normally, let alone feel like myself. The journey is a book within itself but, basically, there's a man that I was extremely close with, that over a dozen people said I was a great fit for and even he said I was the female version of him in a lot of ways. And, unlike a lot of the men from my past, I adored everything about his calling and purpose. So much, in fact, that we worked—seamlessly so—on a lot of projects together.
Anyway, one day we had a six-plus hour conversation on the phone about our feelings, our lives, and the future. Hmph. Sometimes, I'm baffled that there can be so many different religions (or even denominations in a particular faith), but after being completely blindsided by this guy, I get it. So many things are all about perception. Meaning, while I got off the phone thinking that we were making more strides than ever, he decided to shoot me an email at midnight stating the complete opposite. When I tell you that I didn't see it coming…I DID NOT SEE IT COMING. When I tell you that I truly was devastated…I WAS TRULY DEVASTATED. When I tell you that his actions following indicated that he couldn't care less…HE COULDN'T CARE LESS.
I think sometimes, when our heart has been broken, we're grieving a myriad of things. The loss of someone we love (although you peeped what I started this article out with, right? Loss goes both ways, whether the other person realizes it or not). The sadness of not ending up with the kind of life we thought we were going to have. The simmering anger as we question if the journey was a complete and total waste of time—or not.
But what I want to address, specifically, is the sometimes embarrassment or maybe even pseudo-humiliation we may feel, simply that comes from realizing that the guy that we chose didn't choose us. He didn't want (one definition of "choose") us. He didn't desire (one definition of "choose") us. He didn't prefer (another definition of "choose") us. At least he didn't do those things enough to get on the same page with us. I get it—who wants to admit they wanted, desired, and preferred someone who didn't want, desire, and prefer them in return?
Related: Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
But here's the thing. I think that sometimes, we as women are so busy putting so much time, effort, energy, and tears into making a relationship work that we don't realize that we deserve to have all of that reciprocated; that just like a man deserves the privilege of having us choose him, we deserve a man who went through the same kind of processing that we did in order to be chosen by him. And truly choosing someone? It requires maturity, emotional stability, spiritual discernment, extreme self-awareness, and personal preparation.
Here's the visual. A man who knows about diamonds? You can't put a piece of junk jewelry from Claire's, a piece of costume jewelry from Nordstrom's, and then a diamond from Tiffany's in front of his face and think that he won't be able to tell the difference between all three of them. He knows the real from the fake because he's spent some time learning what separates a precious gem from what's…an imitation. Therefore, he not only has the knowledge to choose wisely and well, he also is willing to make the sacrifices to get what he's chosen.
A man who doesn't know what a real diamond looks like? He'll go into Tiffany's and act the same way he would in Claire's—to him, both look like crystal rocks. Both come a dime and dozen and so he acts like such. See where I'm going with this?
Now, it would be arrogant as all get out to say that every man who doesn't choose a woman who chooses him doesn't see the value in women. That's not where I'm going with this.
What I will say is when a good man decides not to choose a woman who has chosen him, he's still going to handle her feelings with extreme caution and care because a diamond is a diamond—even if it's not your preferred cut and clarity.
The bigger point I'm trying to make is when a man doesn't choose you, it's a blessing in disguise because what he's essentially saying is he's decided to not do what the man who will choose you someday will. I know men who want, desire, and prefer their woman. She is treated like pure royalty, a priceless gem, like the Scripture that I have tattooed on my right forearm—"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it." (Matthew 13:45-46—NKJV)
A wise man once said, "Rejection is God's way of saying 'wrong direction'"—that we're on THE WRONG PATH. No one likes the sting of rejection. Trust me, I know. But whenever it happens, it really is God's way of saying, "Daughter, he didn't choose you. Oh, but wait until you see the one who will!" You'll look up and realize that not being chosen by your ex-dude is one of the best things that could've ever happened to you.
How can I be so sure? Claire's junk jewelry may get more traffic (they're literally worth a dime a dozen), but Tiffany diamonds? They're not out here begging to be seen. They know their worth and value. They also know what someone has to go through in order to have them. They can wait until the right one chooses them.
Sis, so can you. Be grateful that the one who didn't know any better didn't choose you. He freed up space for the one who will.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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