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Disappointed With How This Year Has Gone? I've Got A Few Suggestions.
Recently, while having a conversation with a friend who is currently going through the PTSD of a divorce, one of the things that they kept saying over and over is, "I'm just so disappointed in myself." If you've read my content, even a little bit, then you know that I am pretty word-specific and so I gave that statement — one that is pretty common when you really stop to think about it — quite a bit of thought. Although I think a lot of people feel that being disappointed in themselves (or someone else) means that they feel bad about something that they said or done, the word actually means "to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of" and "to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate."
And while, on the surface, that might seem like I'm splitting hairs, when you factor in the lead quote, I'm actually…not. Sometimes, no matter how much you tried to make something work, it doesn't and that shouldn't result in you beating up yourself; it simply means you should learn how to manage your expectations better. For instance, when it comes to a relationship that's gone sour, if you really did give your all (be honest with yourself on that, by the way) and you expected things to last long-term, you've still got to factor in things like another person's free will, changes of circumstance and you possibly not being on the same page as your partner was/is.
See what I mean? While I'm not the person who lives by the motto "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed" (because it sounds like a jaded or bitter person made that up), I am someone who thinks that we should not get so frustrated with ourselves — again, especially to the point that we beat ourselves up — when what we hoped for didn't exactly pan out. Instead, I think there are other far more productive and beneficial ways to utilize that energy. Here are seven of them.
1. Do Some Journaling
As a writer, I'm sure it's no shock to you that I'm a pretty big fan of journaling. Aside from the fact that it's a great way to plan out goals and improve your writing skills, journaling is proven to also help you to de-stress, get your thoughts together and track your progress. That said, sometimes, when we're disappointed about something and all we do is keep going over it again and again in our minds, it can be hard to make sense of the internal chaos — it can be challenging to separate feelings from facts and what you should "own" and what you shouldn't. That's why I definitely recommend that you do some journaling when you're in this kind of headspace because it can help you to vent and then see things from a much clearer perspective after you do.
Chile, there have been many things that I've been disappointed about yet because I put the date (and even the time) on my entries, it has been freeing like a mug to look back every few months to see how all things indeed worked together for the good. So yeah, journal about what has truly disappointed you before the year concludes. It's never (ever) for naught.
2. Have the “Hard” Conversations
Anyone who knows me (and only I would know that; check out "5 Signs You Really Know A Person") knows that ghosting is totally not my style. If anything, I'm someone who is going to communicate ad nauseam, just to make sure that folks are crystal clear about where I am coming from. For me, that means that whether we decide to work things out — personally or professionally — or we choose to part ways, you know exactly where I'm coming from and how I feel about the ultimate decision that has been made. This resolves confusion and where the confusion is lacking, peace can dwell.
Whether it's from counseling, observation, or personal experience, I honestly think that 8 times outta 10, ghosting either comes out of fear or cowardice. Because it's literally running from a situation and not dealing with it. To me, having the hard conversations is actually what makes it easier to feel like something is worth fighting for or that it's worth releasing because all of the feelings, on both sides, are out on the table.
For instance, I know someone who has a pretty dysfunctional relationship with her mother. Yet she vents to everyone and their grandma but her mom. As a direct result, over the years, nothing has really changed. She keeps telling me how disappointed she is yet she's in her 30s at this point and so I'm like, "You claim your mom is not meeting your expectations while assuming she should know what they are. That's your bad." Holding someone captive because of what you trumped up in your mind without giving them a heads up is no one's fault but your own. If you're that shook up — don't run. Deal. Ghosting doesn't accomplish that. Discussing does.
3. Forgive Yourself
I don't know what it is about this year, in particular, that caused so many people to either tweet or state that a definition of self-care is to forgive someone and never speak to them again. Every time that statement crosses my path, all I think is, "Gee, I hope folks can handle being forgiven in the way that they choose to forgive others." Because, if you've got even an ounce of humility in you, you know that the time is going to come, sooner than later, when you're going to need someone to forgive you — and the way you forgive has an uncanny way of boomeranging.
Besides, the more you learn about the purpose and benefits of forgiving other people (check out "Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See."), the more you want to do it. Trust me. You know, folks who claim that they don't believe in forgiving other people? Oftentimes, whether they realize it or not, they are putting out on front street, just how bad they are at extended mercy and grace — not to others but to themselves. And when you're so hard on you that you can't pardon yourself for when you did what humans do — mess up — that's a pretty miserable way to live; not just when it comes to you dealing with yourself but the people who try and walk out life with you as well. Self-forgiveness is necessary for this life. Be intentional as possible about doing it.
4. Come Up with a Personal Expectations-Related Mission Statement
Honey, I'm all about creating a mission statement. Again, because I'm a writer, I'm pretty sure that some of the reason is a little bit of an occupational hazard. At the same time, though, I like them because they remind me to be concise when it comes to figuring out an overall mission that I want to accomplish. And so, if you're someone who is either trying to shake a particular disappointment or protect yourself from becoming more disappointed in the future, it can never hurt to jot down a paragraph or two about what you will commit to, moving forward, when it comes to effectively managing your expectations — what you will do to make sure that they are realistic, how much you will invest into trying to manifest them and how you will evoke self-care if things don't go as planned.
Because here's the thing — while there are many factors that play a direct role in how expectations, wishes, and hopes come to be, when they don't go as you wish, with a mission statement in tow, you actually have more control over your disappointment than you might actually think. Because the more realistic you are, the more you're aware that you become of the fact that you can only control what you can control, and the more you're willing to love on yourself when you did your best and things went another way, the easier it will be to move on from said disappointment…so that you can thrive in another direction.
5. Don’t Wait until 1/1. (That’s a Joke.)
You wanna know an underrated sign of being a procrastinator? It's when you tell yourself that next year is when you'll make some real changes in your life? Lawd, let's all release the shackles of honestly thinking that something special happens between 12/31 and 1/1 because, really, when it's all said and done, it's just another day. And since you still have a few weeks before the New Year even starts, there's no time like the present to get a leg up on doing some things that will totally change the narrative, come this time next year.
It's actually with this point in mind that I penned, "Why Fall Is The Perfect Time To Prep For The New Year" for the site last year. Oh, and while you're at it, check out "12 Monthly Self-Love Themes That Will Make This Your Best Year Yet." Devoting the rest of this year to reflecting on all of the wishes unfulfilled that you had really doesn't make a lot of sense. However, shifting that time, effort, and energy into putting some short- and long-term goals together and then working on them, right here and right now? That is the kind of mentality that will put disappointment right in its place — far, far away from you.
6. Remember That You’ve Still Got Time
As a doula, it's not uncommon for a woman in her early 30s to talk to me about her ticking clock (check out "Tick Tock: How To Get Over The Fear Of Your Biological Clock"). Whenever that happens, something that I say, pretty much every time, is I've had several clients, well into their late 40s, who've had healthy and happy babies. My point? Disappointment will have you so distraught that you'll think that there is nothing past the moment that you're in when that couldn't be further from the truth.
So long as you've got breath in your body, you've got time. Time to start that business. Time to get into your dream relationship or job. Time to make that house or car purchase. Time to be a better friend to the current or even the next people who come into your life. Time to get into shape. Time to conceive a child. Time to love yourself more and better. A great remedy for disappointment is honoring your time by not wallowing in it. This is something else that I can personally attest to.
7. Focus on the Good
Author Mike Hawkins once said, "You don't get results by focusing on results. You get results by focusing on the actions that produce results." Author Napoleon Hill once said, "Focus on the possibilities for success, not the potential for failure." Another wise person once said, "When you're focused on the good, the good gets better." Focus on your actions. Focus on your possibilities. Focus on the good. Disappointment doesn't want you to do any of this yet when you push through its barriers and choose to do these things instead, you'll be absolutely amazed by how bigger your world is than your disappointment, how much you've got to be thankful for beyond your disappointment and how much you can still accomplish outside of your disappointment.
Disappointments? They come and go to us all. Yet the more intentional you are about giving it less time and energy (than usual), the easier it will be to get through and past them. You and your time are so precious so, sis, please make sure that you do.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
It’s funny how a breakup can be the best or worst thing that’s ever happened to you. It has the power to completely change your life, whether it knocks you down or empowers you to evolve. Either way, whatever happens next is up to you. That can feel like a lot of pressure when you don’t even want to get out of bed. But sometimes, all it takes is a moment of encouragement, inspiration, and motivation that you’re not crazy for wanting to send that drunk text or stalk your ex on social media.
But in those heartbreaking moments, you can tap into your inner resilience and strength, knowing that there’s a reason the relationship came to an end. Whatever that is, please trust that whatever is meant for you will be so much better, including the you that comes out on the other side.
This is the perfect time to heal, rediscover you, and open yourself up to love again. Here are 12 books to help you do that and more.
Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force
Whether you were the initiator or the receiver of a breakup, the end of a relationship can be traumatic. But it can also help you find the confidence you might have lost in the aftermath. Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force reminds you that your true self is worth loving and pulls you out of the status quo that you might have fallen into in your relationship. It lets you know that it’s more than okay to clap for yourself and the growth you’ve accomplished while unleashing your boldness. Tap in!
Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away
Amazon
Nobody wins when the relationship ends. But if we’re honest, many of us want the other person to at least regret the parting of ways. Like, did we matter at all? Natasha Adamo’s Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away talks us off the ledge of trying to prove that we have the upper hand (and quoting Beyoncè’s “She ain’t no divaaa” under anyone’s post that your ex appears to be moving on with).
Instead, Adamo motivates us to focus on our own journey after the breakup because it will be tough enough without being preoccupied with what our exes are doing. You have a whole life after this, and your best days are ahead of you, not behind. You truly win when you decide to walk away from whatever negativity came with the breakup and focus on you. ‘Cause we’re not looking back, sis.
Emotional Self-Care for Black Women
Amazon
One of the best things you can do in this moment is be selfish and think about you. If self-care is a priority in your healing journey, think about diving intoEmotional Self-Care for Black Womenby Alicia Magoro. It takes you through the process of improving your self-esteem, getting rid of negative thoughts, and truly healing from past traumas, each of which is crucial after a breakup. No matter how crazy life is as you try to put the pieces back together, taking moments to truly uncover the reality of your feelings and emotions is essential to your healing.
Break Up With What Broke You
Amazon
I feel like a key step in getting through a heartbreak is cookie dough ice cream, any Shonda Rhimes show, and a box of tissues. But unfortunately *sigh* that can’t last forever. When it’s time to push through, Break Up With What Broke You by Christian Bevere is waiting for you. When you’re ready to overcome the comfort of who you’ve always been, this book helps you evolve into who you’ve been meant to be all along. If you need a book that provides steps with compassion and grace instead of a no-nonsense approach, this is for you (cause who’s trying to get their feelings hurt?)
How To Get Over A Boy
Amazon
‘Cause that’s all we’re trying to do, right? I love the theory of How To Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue because it reminds us that men, or any partner we have, do not belong on a pedestal. As amazing as they may be, you’re just as dope! Eggerue isn’t having you tap into your inner fineness to help you find a man or get a text back with outdated tactics. No, sis. This book is all about reminding you that you are the true prize, and there’s nothing wrong with carrying yourself as such. Yes, wanting to be in a relationship again is natural and inevitable. But for now, it’s also okay to find satisfaction with yourself.
Didn’t See That Coming: Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart
Amazon
All of the signs may have been there, but a breakup can still be shocking. We’ve tried to see the best in our now-ex, and it may have left us holding the bag. Any breakup can be devastating, but if you’re trying to get through a traumatic one, add Didn’t See That Coming by Rachel Hollis to your list. The title alone is funny because it’s ironic and true. And in all seriousness, it pulls you out of being stuck in your pain and trauma and encourages you to be a better you when all is said and done. Your breakup doesn’t have to be detrimental to your life. It can be a turning point to help you transition into the woman you never thought you could.
I Almost Forgot About You
Amazon
Isn’t it crazy how after a breakup, almost everything reminds you of that person? From a song that’s shuffled into your playlist and inside jokes to a hilarious viral video on social media, it feels like you can’t escape. Thankfully, our good sis Terry McMillan did her good work with her novel I Almost Forgot About You. No, it’s not a non-fiction book that gives you ways to get through your heartbreak, but it tells the story of a woman named Dr. Georgia Young, who’s going through a transformation of her own to find her inner shero after quitting her job and relocating. The relatable ups and downs she experiences as she bravely takes on unexpected risks can inspire and let you escape for a while.
Sis, Don’t Settle: How to Stay Smart in Matters of the Heart
Amazon
Following our hearts is all fun and games until it leaves us in an agonizing situation. Sis, Don’t Settle by Faith Jenkins gives us a much-needed reminder not to give in to the desire to be in a relationship just to avoid being alone. Whether your ex checked every box on your list or you compromised because you saw potential in what it could be (we’ve all been there, love), let’s decide to not let our hearts or emotions cause us to settle for less. I love this book because it drops the fluff and gives relatable ways to be smart about love, have healthy and loving relationships, and not rush the process.
The Art of Letting Go
Amazon
I read a meme that said, “If overthinking was a sport, I’d be an Olympic gold medalist.” And I felt seen. After a breakup, it’s so easy to replay those final moments in your head over and over again, especially if you were blindsided. The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm) by Nick Trenton walks you through doing exactly that.
No matter what happened, the brutal reality is we can’t do anything to change it, and mentally running it on a loop does more harm than good, sis. This book lets your mind be a safe place full of peace and tranquility instead of a battle zone. It inspires you to embrace the present without yearning for the past or being afraid of the future.
The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
Amazon
Like many books on this list, The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce empowers you to channel your inner power, rediscover your worth, and flourish like you’ve always wanted. If you’re like me, you might not know where to start after a major (and possibly unexpected) life transition. How do you even begin to move on without sitting in the aftermath for too long?
This book, penned by Rachen A. Sussman, serves as a guide for you to truly heal from the devastation one step at a time. Because it’s okay to take things slow. It features three phases of recovery — healing, understanding, and transformation — providing a clear road map to not just surviving a breakup, but coming out whole on the other side.
I love this version of myself that you brought out: a memoir of a broken heart
Amazon
Can we just take a second to salute the power of a breakup? Whether it sparks your international solo eat, pray, love journey or makes you truly consider what you want in life for you, as horrible as it can be, good things can come out of the parting of ways. I love this version of myself that you brought outby Jaymen Chang gets real about the good, bad, and the ugly, from wishing you could unsend that vulnerable text message, to waking up one day feeling different and ready to move on. Pick this one up when you’re ready to cry it out, process, and enter your season of becoming.
When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal
Amazon
When the dust settles, how are you for real? You may be excited about the idea of using your breakup as an excuse to glow up, or you may be heartbroken and just aren’t in the space to think beyond turning on Mary J. Blige and drinking wine in a bathrobe. And that’s okay. When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest encourages you to embrace the true work of your healing journey. It can be soul-crushing, yet rewarding. With dozens of essays geared toward your process, this book realizes that it doesn’t take one day or one thing to heal.
It’s an ongoing life moment as you recover from the person (or people) who just wasn’t the best for you. As you find yourself again and welcome the things and people who truly love you, you’ll flourish even through the pain.
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