

If there’s one thing that I’m gonna do, it’s look up some stats. And when it comes to New Year’s Eve and how folks choose to celebrate it, I recently read that around 92 percent of Americans celebrate it, 70 percent at least make plans to stay up well past midnight, 54 percent drink (alcohol) and surprisingly, only 1 in 5 people actually go out to someplace like a bar or club. The reason why I’m sharing all of this (especially that last part) is if there’s a part of you that’s on the fence about staying at home and ringing in the new year by yourself because you secretly wonder if that’s wack or not…it’s not.
Aside from the fact that COVID is still lurking around, there is something about making the decision to stay in to pause, ponder, reflect as you welcome in a new season solo that is surprisingly…refreshing. Just make sure that you take things up a notch from sitting in some ratty old sleepwear, ordering a pizza and watching the rom-com that you’ve already seen a billion times before. Nah, if you’re gonna do New Year’s Eve right, try incorporating at least a handful of these 15 recommendations below.
1. Buy a Blank 2022 Calendar
I’ve shared before that something a husband I know did that I thought was super romantic was he gifted his wife with a calendar that already had dates planned, for the entire year, throughout it (ain’t nothin’ like a man who loves with proactiveness and intention, y’all!). I’ve actually adapted that and “remixed” it a bit. Something that I try and do is plan out things for me to do, for/with myself, on a calendar.
For you, it could be a class that you want to take, a road trip that you want to go on, a concert that you want to see — the list is endless. The point here is to not go into a new year with a “ho-hum” attitude; instead, approach it with excitement about all of the things that you want to do with yourself…for yourself. Things that are already scheduled out on your own 2022 calendar.
2. Get Some Comfy PJs
I’m assuming that a big part of the reason why you are opting to stay in this New Year’s Eve is because you want to take the low-key approach. So, why not get as comfortable as possible? At the same time, a new year should bring new things, so treat yourself to a pair of new pajamas or a really cute onesie. Just because you’re gonna be home, that doesn’t mean that you have to be looking a hot ass mess or that you shouldn’t want to embrace the evening as being special and significant — in your own special way.
3. Update Your Bedding
Personally, I think one of the best things about being home on New Year’s Eve when you’re single (with no kids) is you can go to bed as early as you want and then turn around and sleep in for as long as you want the following day. For me, my bed is already like Six Flags the remix; the only thing that makes it even better is when I change my bedding or when I get some new sheets.
No time like the present to ring in the new year with some flannel ones that will keep you extra toasty or bedding in a color that represents the energy that you want to vibe on for the next several months (check out “Understanding Color Psychology Will Sharpen Your Lens On Life”). What are you waiting for?
4. Partake in Some Patchouli Aromatherapy
I don’t know too many people who don’t strive to be centered and grounded individuals. Well, guess what essential oil actually taps into those very things? Yep, patchouli. It’s also great at soothing dry skin, relieving headaches, decreasing depression and anxiety, reducing cold-related symptoms, and relaxing you. So, whether you decide to mix it with a carrier oil and apply it to your body, sprinkle some on those new sheets that you’re about to buy, or put it into an infuser, the sweetly musky scent of this particular oil can help your health and well-being on a myriad of levels.
5. Write Yourself a “Year in Review” Letter. For the Future.
When you get a chance, also check out “Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves”. Something that I think all of us should do, married or not, at least once in our lifetime, is handwrite a love letter — yes, to our own selves. The main reason why is because a lot of us keep feeling slighted by others not giving us the love that we think we deserve when we’re actually being pretty hypocritical for not doing it our damn selves.
Well, along these same lines, a year in review is something that I came up with once upon a time. It’s basically like writing a letter of intent when it comes to how you want the upcoming year to go. In other words, write the letter with the plan of reading it on New Year’s Eve 2022. In it, share all of the great things that you’ve accomplished and how you’ve learned to treat yourself better. This is helpful because one, it will hold you accountable throughout the year when it comes to what you wrote, and two, it can be a lot of fun to see the differences that 12 months can make as it relates to who the person of 2021 was when she wrote it vs. who the person of 2022 is who is actually reading it. Just make sure to put it somewhere you’ll remember to get it from when the time comes.
6. Design a Memories Jar
Along these same lines, go to someplace like Walmart, Target, or a local arts and crafts store and get yourself a mason jar along with some colored construction paper. Then cut the paper into thin strips for the purpose of writing different favorite moments and memories in 2022 that you can put into the jar. The cool thing about this kind of project is it can remind you to get excited about what’s to come. Plus, you can put the pieces into a balloon, come next NYE, pop it at midnight, and read about how great your year actually was!
7. Burn, Baby, BURN
Listen, something that I am all about, a billion times over, is a burning ceremony. Several years ago, someone and I held one in the parking lot of their apartment complex and it was absolutely bomb. We wrote down mistakes that we wanted to stop feeling bad about, relationships we wanted to let go of, habits that we wanted to break, and people we needed to forgive and/or release, then we set them on fire and let the pieces of paper turn into ashes.
While it’s merely a symbolic gesture, there’s something about watching those things go up in flames that is super freeing. (If it’s too cold to go outside to do this, you can always burn the pieces in your kitchen sink.)
8. Watch Teleparty with a Couple of Friends
If you want to spend most of your time alone but you know that you’ve got a couple of other friends who are celebrating NYE by themselves as well, it could be fun to take out a couple of hours to watch a movie with them virtually. One way to do that is to download the Teleparty app (go here). It makes it so much easier for everyone to watch the same programs and movies on Netflix, Disney Plus, Hulu, and HBO from the comfort and convenience of their own home.
9. Order Yourself a “2022” Gift
Yes, you need to be financially responsible. At the same time, you also need to celebrate yourself. So, with the extra coins that you saved by opting out of turning up this NYE, hop on one of your favorite sites and order something online. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just make sure that, whatever it is, if there is an option to get it as a gift with a note attached, make sure to say “Happy 2022” with your name on it. It’s a token that will remind you to remain in the spirit of appreciating and honoring yourself all year long.
10. Have Your Favorite Meal Delivered to You
You’re probably gonna be hard-pressed to find a ton of eating options after 6 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. Still, who wants to cook (or do any clean-up from cooking) on that night? That said, this is just a gentle nudge to make sure to order something on 12/30 and warm it up the next day or to order food for NYE early in the day so that you can have it before the world shuts down. Me? I’m good for some lamb chops and nothing makes me happier than having them delivered to me from one of my favorite restaurants and then eating them at home while binging A Different World for the billionth time — New Year’s Eve or not.
11. Eat Something Green
Personally, I’m a Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) observer which means that “my” new year has long come and gone. For those who are all about 12/31, though, a tradition from that culture that you can easily apply to your own is to eat foods that are green. The intent is, since green symbolizes things like fertility, prosperity, health, harmony, nature, growth, and wealth, why not “take in” that kind of energy via foods that are that very hue?
The lead pic is fried zucchini (recipe here). Some other green foods that fit the criteria include dark leafy greens, avocados, asparagus, kiwi, Brussels sprouts, Granny Smith apples, and Thompson seedless grapes (frozen grapes that come with a fruit dip are absolutely delicious!).
12. Consider a Going on a Virtual Tour (or to a Virtual Party)
Technology is a trip, ain’t it? If you’re not in the mood to watch a movie or listen to some music, something else that you can do is take a virtual tour. These days, there are sites that will help you to gain access to famous museums, zoos, and aquariums, international spots — you name it. As far as virtual NYE parties go, Time Out featured an article last year with some. Perhaps check back there the week of 12/31 to see if they’ve updated their list.
13. Soak in the Tub
Soaking in the tub can do everything from soothing aching muscles and reducing anxiety to balancing your hormones and improving your quality of sleep. And if ever there was a night that had “tub soak” written all over it, it’s New Year’s Eve. In fact, it’s one night when you can stay in there for literally as long as you want. Although National Bathtub Party Day happened at the top of this month, if you check out “Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year”, you can get some tips on how to enjoy yourself so much that you might not even notice (or care) when the clock actually strikes midnight.
14. Toast Yourself
Lawd. How many times have I recommended toasting yourself within the copy for this site? That’s because it’s something that I do on a regular basis as a way to remind myself that I am truly worth celebrating! Listen, there are going to be champagne flutes clanking all over this planet at the stroke of midnight. Just because you’re at home, that doesn’t mean that you can’t get in on the fun.
Whether it’s champagne or you decide to go a little off-script and have something like a chocolate martini; Boulevardier, Cider Sidecar; Vanilla Plum Shrub; Champagne Shirley Temple; New Year’s Sparkler; or something else that’s equally as festive, definitely make yourself a drink and verbally declare what needs to be affirmed about yourself. After surviving a year like 2021…chile, you’ve most definitely earned it.
15. Stay Off of Social Media and Your Phone
If a part of the reason why you’re staying home is to enjoy some peace and quiet, what sense does it make to be online all night looking at other people partying, kissing their boo, and getting engaged, only to get your emotions all stirred up? Sometimes, we send ourselves through stress (or triggers) that can easily be avoided by unplugging from mediums of communication with other people. Shoot, even when it comes to the phone if you know that your mom is going to call you to talk about how sad she thinks it is that you are going to be alone for NYE or a friend is going to do nothing but want you to be their impromptu therapist for the evening — it really is OK to let folks know beforehand that for NYE and New Year’s Day, you are going to go totally off of the grid, that you are fine and that things will resume on 12/2.
It’s OK to really want to devote NYE totally to yourself — as a way to release the past and prepare, in your own way, for the present. Happy (Almost) New Year, sis!
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Laterras R. Whitfield On What He Wants In A 'Future Wifey' & Redefining Masculinity
In this week's episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker chopped it up with Laterras R. Whitfield, host of the Dear Future Wifey podcast, for a raw and revealing conversation about personal growth, faith, and the search for love in a way that resonates.
Laterras Whitfield Believes Men Should Pursue, Not Persuade
“Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest”
Whitfield is a big advocate of a man’s role in going confidently for the woman he wants. “Men should pursue, not persuade, and women should present, not pursue,” he said. He’s open to meeting women on social media but isn’t a fan of bold approaches. “Don’t shoot your shot at me. … Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest.”
His ideal woman?
“She has to be a woman of God… I judge a woman by how her friends see her… and most importantly, how she treats my kids.”
Infidelity, Redemption, and the Power of Self-Control
“Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer”
Once unfaithful in his previous marriage, Whitfield has since transformed his perspective on masculinity. “Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer. That’s what true masculinity is to me now.” He has also committed to abstinence, choosing self-control as a defining trait of manhood.
Whitfield’s journey is one of redemption, purpose, and faith—something that speaks to women who value emotional intelligence, accountability, and the power of transformation.
Rewriting the Narrative Around Black Masculinity
What masculinity, legacy, and healing mean to Whitfield today
“My dad taught me what not to be [as a man] and my mom taught me what she needed [in a man],” Whitfield said. While his father wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t emotionally or affectionately present. “Since I didn’t see it, I never got it either… I would look at my dad and say, ‘I want to be a better father.’ ”
Adoption had always been on his spirit, influenced by TV shows like Different Strokes and Punky Brewster. This mindset led him to take in his nephew as his son after a powerful dream confirmed what he already felt in his heart.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
If there is a piece of consistent sex-related advice that I give people who are considering going the distance in their relationship, it’s this: “Don’t go for someone who is simply good in bed; you’d be far better off choosing someone who actually enjoys sex.” Why do I say that? Because I’ve been doing this couples-work thing long enough to know that there are a lot — and, I mean A LOT — of people who like to manipulate or weaponize sex in order to get something that they want…and then, once they get it, suddenly sex is not a priority anymore.
One day, I might really get into just how actually evil that is (because sex is never supposed to be a bribe in a relationship). For now, though, I want to talk about how motives reveal oh so very much when it comes to physical (and even emotional) intimacy. Hmph. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes on the topic of motives: “People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs, and motives.” An author by the name of Thomas Mann said that, and indeed it does because, when you are doing something merely to get your way, that is a form of manipulation or control.
On the other hand, when you’re doing it merely for the holistic pleasure of doing so — that is when you are experiencing intimacy in the way that it was intended to be.
So, when it comes to your personal motive for sex, what is it really all about?
What Are You Really Hoping to Get Out of Sex?
When It Comes to Your ‘What’, You Always Need to Know Your WHY
Oh, I’ve got some more motives quotes for you. Psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “People have motives and thoughts of which they are unaware.” Author Paul David Trip once said, “We rarely do anything with one single motive.” It’s pretty ironic that actor Chris Noth (because if you know, you know) once said, “Since women ask me about male motives all the time, I can offer a bit of advice. If you feel like you're going to get hurt, then you shouldn't be there in the first place. That's the way I look at relationships.”
Now, before I attempt to build on these quotes, let’s first look at a very basic definition of motive:
Motive: a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious
Did you catch that? Oftentimes, when someone is moving based on a motive, the reason is hidden. Is it just me or does that sound semi-sneaky or opportunistic, right off the bat? Interestingly enough, some synonyms for motive include grounds, basis and root. All of those words make me think of the foundation of something. So, since we are talking about sex, specifically, today — before you decide to sleep with someone, you really should ask yourself what your foundational reason is and, if you’re choosing not to share it with said-partner…why is that?
Pick Your Top 3 Motives, Then Reflect
Let’s keep going. Some other synonyms for motive include aim; emotion; idea; impulse; intent; motivation; passion; rationale; occasion; incentive; consideration, and inspiration. Aight, so here’s another thing to ponder — out of these 12 words, select your top three that “connect the dots” as it relates to your motive (or motives). It could be that you feel passion for him, your intent is to show him that and, since you’ve been dating for a hot minute, you think that it’s the right occasion. In this case, what’s shady or opportunistic about that?
If that is indeed your motive, it would fall less into the “hidden” category and more in the “not obvious” once you really thought it through. On the other hand, if it’s more like you aim to have sex, because your rationale is to get some sort of incentive out of it — do you see how that’s totally different? And if indeed that is the case, WHY do you think that is okay?
Sex Is Not A Transaction — It’s An Exchange
I’m telling you, if there is one thing that I damn near loathe is how transactional sex sounds these days: “Unless you’re going to pay my bills, I’m not going to give you any.” What in the world? Listen, I don’t care how unpopular the opinion may be, sometimes — hell, oftentimes — the truth isn’t popular and the truth about copulation is IT IS AN EVEN EXCHANGE. No one should be paying you for it. He got pleasure, you got pleasure. Over and out. And if that isn’t happening, either there is more communication that needs to be going on (which is just one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of faking orgasms) or there is something “off” when it comes to you and your partner.
Whatever the case may be, before engaging in physical intimacy with someone, it’s beyond wise to spend some time getting really honest with yourself about what your motives truly are — because how we start something oftentimes sets the tone for the experience overall. Indeed, motives are a lot like cause and effect — they play a significantly profound role in determining the outcome of matters.
Real Compatibility Includes Mutual Motives
Sexual Compatibility Includes Having Mutual Motives
Okay, so now that we’ve discussed motives, in general — say that your motives are pure (and you are being really honest with yourself about that). You’re not hiding anything because there is nothing to hide. You simply feel so connected to someone that you are motivated and inspired to take things to another level.
Well, that’s where author Lebo Grand and something that he once said comes in: “Sensuality is the purest motive that exists on earth.” When something is sensual, it gratifies the senses. When something is sensual, it arouses the appetite — and yes, when you want to be intimate with someone, simply because you want to get closer to them, there is something that is very sweet, very sincere and even pure — in the sense of being authentic and real — about that.
If that is your motive, share that with your partner. If that is also his motive, then it’s time to get into what the mutual motives of what a healthy sexual relationship should be: pleasure, joy and satisfaction. Y’all, something else that messes many couples up is there is so much focus on what they want to get out of sex that they fail to fully tune in and tap into their partner — and that is unfortunate. You know why? Because it has been both my experience as well as my observation that when both people are totally invested in making sure that their partner is sexually satisfied both individuals end up feeling gratified and quenched. Yeah, a selfish motive rarely brings contentment like a selfless one does — and you can take that to the bank!
And that is why, although I think that sexual compatibility is important, you’d be amazed how much clear communication, patience and selflessness can “get you there” if sex seems awkward at first. Again, if the motives are right, goodness can come from it, even if it takes a bit of time and effort to get there.
When Your Sexual Motives Shift, Say Something
If Your Motives Shift, You Need to Speak Up
Final point. It is the Greek philosopher Heraclitus who once said, “Change is the only constant in life” and this applies to every aspect of it — including sex. That said, some of you may recall back when I wrote an article entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go.” The wife who I featured in that piece, we were recently talking about it and how she remains 10 toes down about the fact that a “big one” ain’t all it’s cracked up to be if the man who owns it is attached to a huge ego and not much else.
When I asked her to reflect on how much of her dissatisfaction was — and kinda still is — about him vs. who she now is as a person, she admitted that so much of who she is has changed from when they first got together. She’s older and so her hormones have shifted. She has spiritually evolved and so a profound emotional connection is more desired. She knows herself better and so she has some sexual needs that she never had before. And so, her motives have shifted from pretty much just having a good time (only) to longing for something…deeper.
This isn’t abnormal; many people go through this. Thing is, instead of being forthcoming with their partner, they would rather have them pick up on hints or, even worse, attempt to read their mind. Yeah, that’s not how effective communication works, y’all — if your motives for sex have changed, you’ve got to say something. Otherwise, you’re going to end up frustrated or unfulfilled…and honestly, your partner probably will too because if you are different and you don’t share it, eventually there will be a “disconnect” (and not just in the bedroom).
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As I bring this to a close, take a moment to circle back to the first motive quote that I shared in the intro (“People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs and motives.”). Whatever your sex life is like right now, what are your goals, needs and motives? What are his?
Figure that out and you’ll better understand where you’re at and, if you don’t like it, how to get to where you want to be.
It all begins with the right motives, sis. It really and truly does.
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