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6 Signs That Sex Is More Than Just...Sex.
Whenever I'm talking to single women and the topic of sex comes up, if there's a common question that I get, pretty often, it's "How do I know that it isn't just sex when it comes to him?" Listen, not to sound like y'all's grandma or anything yet I certainly get why a lot of the elders are like, "That's why you might wanna wait until there's a solid commitment in place."
Because, although I'm going to touch on a few points that can definitely give you more peace of mind, there is something to be said for waiting for a long-term commitment or—gasp—even marriage because those kinds of relationships tend to come with intentional promises and/or vows. Y'all, some things may seem traditional or antiquated. Still, that doesn't mean they're all bad. Real talk.
Now that I've made grandmas, aunties and church mothers proud with that lil' PSA, let's get into how you can avoid being able to relate to articles on this site like, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner". If you're seeing a guy and either you're already having sex or you're considering doing so, here are six ways to know if there's more there than just the physical.
1. There’s a Solid Connection Outside of the Bedroom
There are people who've gotten together off of a one-night stand. There are people who've divorced, even though they were virgins on their wedding night. So, I'm not gonna sit here and say that everyone who has sex quickly is headed for disaster and everyone who waits will experience marital bliss for the rest of their lives. What I will say is the more open you are to taking your time, the more you can establish a real connection with another individual.
And just what does a true connection look like? You've had some serious conversations. A level of mutual trust has been established. You care about each other on a mental and emotional level. You've had a few disagreements or areas of conflict and have been able to resolve them. You make time for one another besides just when you want to have sex.
I'll be the first one to admit that lust can be one hell of a drug. It can cause you to become a little delusional, if you let it, because when you're really into someone physically and/or the sex is off the charts, it can cause you to think that something more is there when that actually might not be the case. Making the time to establish a connection that has nothing to do with copulation can help you to feel like "he" is spending time with you, not just because he wants to get the goods. Time can make you feel more confident that he actually values you and enjoys you as a human being. That you're not just some glorified sex doll.
2. It’s Not the Only Thing the Two of You Have in Common
Something that I find really sexy in a man is wit. To me, it's the perfect blend of intellect, humor and great timing. So, if you're already attractive in my eyes and you're witty, I'm already super intrigued. Anyway, when I think back on all of my sex partners (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners"), something that most of them had in common is they were super witty. They found me to be that way too, so the back-and-forth light sparring was basically a form of verbal foreplay. Oh, but when you peeled that back and took the sex away, when it comes to a handful of those men, we really didn't have that much in common. Matter of fact, when it came to a couple of guys, we actually got on each other's nerves.
Wanna know why some people get married and then basically end up hating each other's guts? A part of the reason is because, while there may have been really strong sexual chemistry—so strong that they thought there was more to their relationship than there actually was—they didn't have much in common past that. Ask any married person and they will probably tell you that great sex with your partner is amazingly indescribable; still, if you don't have some other things that you both enjoy, that you both are interested in, that you both value, you still could be headed for relational disaster. So, what things do you and he share a common ground on? The answer to that question can reveal…A LOT.
3. Sex Is the “Icing”. Not the “Cake”.
I know some dating couples who, whenever they have a disagreement, they "fix things" by having sex. Although I get it—and back in the day, oftentimes even did it—that isn't a smart move. For one thing, running to sex all of the time is usually a sign of fear. You don't really know how to effectively communicate or connect any other way, so that becomes your go-to. Because that is the case, sex is no longer simply a pleasurable act; it's a crutch. Another challenge that comes from taking this approach is it can have you out here thinking that you're in something healthy and beneficial when all you're really doing is having great sex with someone. And real talk, y'all—you can do that with hundreds, if not thousands of people on this planet. Yeah, never EVER assume that mind-blowing sex means you're in a great relationship. Some folks can experience passion with someone they don't even like or respect very much. I can speak from personal experience on this.
That's why it's so important to look at sex as the icing in a relationship, not the cake. Icing makes cake sweeter. Icing makes cake more fun. Icing can be an unexpected surprise or welcome addition. At the same time, if there was no icing, the cake should still be bomb. When it comes to your relationship, can you honestly say all of this about the current state of your dynamic?
4. You’re Both Careful with Each Other’s Feelings
Something that I like about the R&B artist Joe is he writes songs in such a way that certain lyrics can really hit home. Take his throwback jam "If I Was Your Man", for example. One of my favorite lines in it is when he sang, "Got rid of everything that I knew was hurting you". Come on, Joe. Preach it. When two people are in something that is merely sexual, they don't really care all that much about anything other than what happens in between the foreplay and the climax. However, when two individuals are engaged in something that is more than just sex, they definitely care about not hurting each other's feelings and doing what they can to make the relationship better.
That said, I'm not saying that if a man cares then he will comply with all of your expectations or that he will want the same kind of relationship that you do (one day, we'll have to talk about the problem with sexual manipulation; even if it's self-sexual manipulation). What I am saying is your feelings, your concerns and even your needs will not be something that he shies away from. He will see value in you beyond sex. His words and actions will prove it.
5. You Feel Like Your Partner Is Having Sex WITH Rather than AT You
It was close to this time last year when I wrote the article, "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?". The gist of it is when someone is good for you, they are going to benefit you in a holistic way. Well, along these same lines, when a man is having sex with you, by the definition of the word "with", he is not only interacting; he is making a true connection. On the other hand, when a guy is having sex at you? Hmm. I think I've shared before that there's one past sex partner I had who liked to have sex in front of mirrors. Mind you, it wasn't so that he could watch both of us in the act, he liked to look at himself. Like sometimes I would catch him posing. WTF and LOL all at the same time. What he taught me was that some people can be good in bed and it still has absolutely nothing to do with their partner. Their performance is an ego boost for them, more than anything else.
So yeah, another way to know if sex is more than just sex is if your partner is fully present with you. You don't feel like it's "performance sex". Instead, it feels like he relishes being in your presence and sex is just a part of the reason why. Between the two of you, there's intimacy. You feel comfortable. You feel seen. You feel safe.
6. Things Can End Well
You know what they say—all good things must come to an end. And while this isn't automatically or necessarily a guarantee when it comes to you and your current sex partner, what I will say is that if there's a mutual respect for one another, should you both decide that it's time to transition out, hopefully neither of you will feel used, slighted, embarrassed, neglected or even hurt. You might miss each other (or the sex); still, there won't be battle wounds from the situation because even though sex was a big part of the dynamic, it was never just about that. Shoot, you might even be able to remain friends—or at least cool—after it's all said and done.
And even, for whatever the reason, that ends up not being the case, at least you won't have to look back and feel totally mortified because you shared something so private, so real, so special with a person who didn't embrace the experience with the dignity that you deserved. You can see things for what they were—a season of sex that, on some level you enjoyed and quite possibly learned and grew from. No regrets. Because the sex…wasn't just…sex.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Wealthy Restaurant Owner Shares The Money-Saving Hack She’s Used Since Childhood
“It doesn’t matter how big or small your finances are, the real gem is prioritizing what you have,” that’s the candor advice Ebony Austin, owner of Noveau Bar and Grill made sure she emphasized in our authentic convo. As a multi-hyphenated go-getter, she’s created more than 100 job opportunities and given away over $100 million to the community. When I inquired about her secret, she simply credits her skill to proper planning and a trusted team.
But the more the discussion progressed, the depth of that answer was revealed. Ebony opened up about how saving during the pandemic, a time when many businesses were forced to close their doors, aided her through difficult chapters. And after our authentic conversation, it made the importance of saving and business research crystal clear. Check out the convo below.
What was your journey like into money management? Have you always been good with your finances?
Yes, I learned it early. My grandparents had a construction company when I was growing up and my grandmother would teach me that with everything they worked for, she’d put 30% away. So no matter how many jobs I’ve had, once I tithed, I’d put up 30% away too. If I couldn’t pay my bills with that remainder, I’d get a second job. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve always been amazing at that.
So you’re definitely more of a saver then a spender, right?
Well, yes, but I do have a shopping addiction. But I save a lot. I’ve gone months and months without buying anything, then I’ll just go buy something big or small. But I’ve always known I still need backup plans. The beauty of having it is that you’re never trying to scramble. Even with my first property, I didn’t have any problems because my money was seasoned. I’ve always been consistent and knew a certain amount of money was going in the bank every paycheck.
Photo by Rari Filmz
Okay, so I can’t ignore the “shopping addiction” comment. Tell me about your splurge
So Louis Vuitton and Chanel are my favorites. Then I’m really big on supporting Black-owned businesses. I put that in my budget every month – sometimes a few times a month.
That’s a good one! What advice do you have for people trying to tighten up their budget?
Prioritize. When the pandemic happened, it gave us all a new outlook on life and what’s important. For example, going out to eat with my friends and family is essential. So I take time out monthly and figure out my expenses. For example, a lot of my friends are Tauruses, so that month, I need to plan extra birthday dinners. It only takes me like an hour, but it makes such a difference. People need to figure out what that looks like for them.
And what is your current final goal? Like, do you have a retirement plan?
Yes, once I get Noveau to 100 million! My biggest goal is for my team members to buy homes and establish themselves. But my end goal would be 15-20 restaurants, with five being investment restaurants. Also, of course, I want properties. I understand the importance of owning land. I think those are the main things.
Okay, so what is the worst piece of business advice you’ve been given?
Someone told me that I don’t need finances to open up a business. People say if you have a 590 credit score you can start it, but why would you do that? I mean you can do it with that score, but the interest looks way different. Build your credit first and avoid the extra costs. I used my own money to start a lot of businesses. Now when I look back I wouldn’t have even done it that way.
How would you have done it?
I would’ve used the bank's money. When you’re building your first location it can be really hard, but they do give them out. But you can’t just come in with a concept with no experience and ask for $100,000. No one will bet on that or believe in it. But if you have a concept, with a real plan and projections, start off with lines of credits. You can start small and build your business with $5,000.
Out of curiosity, what are your thoughts on investing and how do you do it?
I’ve invested in two restaurant concepts. Also, I have my own real estate investment company where we build, sell, and flip. I think investments are important to keep. Some of them require work. Personally, real estate is always key. To me it’s a safe option but they’re smart in general. That’s the only way you get to certain goals. Don’t let money sit in the bank – invest it.
Are there any unhealthy habits you had to unlearn in regards to investing or money management in general?
I had to learn to say no. A lot of times, everybody wants something. It’s hard to say no to people who are capable of doing things for themselves.
Heavy on the “who are capable of doing things for themselves.” What’s been your biggest struggle in building your business? Was there ever a moment you questioned it?
As an entrepreneur, we all have those moments where we’re ready to throw in the towel. But my biggest challenge was building a team and getting the word out there. But I also know God doesn’t make mistakes. At the time, the more I prayed and started to get to know the team, I came to the realization that I needed to let go of almost all of them. It wasn’t just about what was aligned with me and my purpose but also Nouveau.
Also, I had to separate myself and the business because I’m not going to care if they’re late three times in a row but the business will. Those were the most challenging things for me: saying no, building the right team, and separating the business and myself.
God heard every prayer though. Because now the team at Nouveau is amazing. They put all the pieces together. It’s all about praying and taking care of your people.
Finally, what does wealth look like to you?
Making sure my family is good and my mother doesn’t have to work again. Also, wealth is ensuring my team is reaching their goals. I teach my team how to save money, too. It makes no sense that I’m the only one that’s profitable. When I became a millionaire, my goal was to figure out who I’ll make the next millionaire. I want families to understand how we get here and how we stay here. Wealth is not a one-woman show.
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Feature image by Rari Filmz