My name is Sheriden and I am currently 2.3 years into the healthiest relationship of my life. I worked for this love and I manifested this love and every day that passes, I am eternally grateful that we choose each other. Nothing is perfect, not even a healthy relationship, but I must say that I don’t expect perfection. I just expect effort, understanding, compassion, and stability. What I love about our story is that there are so many things that could have kept us away from each other: being long-distance, being from two different countries, and being in the middle of a pandemic, but we constantly found ways to make our love work because there was an ease (despite our circumstances) and a willingness that neither of us had ever experienced.
What drew me to my boyfriend more than the romance was how loving he was. Even though he worried about operating from a place of coldness, his vulnerability, his affirming nature, supportive ways, and warmth with his words and his actions showed me and continue to show me the opposite of that. He is like no one I've ever experienced. He reminded me of the way I treated myself and therefore I felt love in a way that I had always seen it molded for me, but not necessarily shown to me. And for that, I will always look to him with fondness.
When attracting my relationship, I leaned on a list of non-negotiables I created after reading Shan Boody’s The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance--and Getting What You Want. What I loved about that list was it held me accountable for the qualities I was looking for in a romantic relationship, my ideal partner, and therefore my ideal partnership. This internal dialogue got me thinking about the qualities of a partner that is ideal in healthy, loving relationships but more specifically to the people taking part in the relationship. Your partner has to be the ideal partner for you, and although there might be qualities seen as universal, there are some that might rank higher in significance than others.
So, whether you are single and not ready to mingle, actively dating, or in a relationship, below are some essential qualities to look for in a partner. Feel free to add or subtract based on your own individual needs.
1. Empathy
Someone who has empathy displays two things: that they are available to their partner emotionally and that they care about the other person's feelings as they do their own. What’s important to note here is that being empathetic isn’t the same thing as agreeing with everything that is said or expressed by a partner in a relationship. Instead, empathy looks like understanding and understanding is important in relationship-building, making the partner feel seen and heard, as well as increasing a sense of connection and cooperation. According to psychotherapist Cindy Sigal, AMFT, “Empathy bridges the divide between being separate individuals with different backgrounds, feelings, and perspectives.”
2. Self-awareness
Self-awareness informs the ability to self-reflect. Through self-awareness, a person can resist the urge to blame, self-victimize, or retreat and instead own who they are, their behaviors, their values, and their responses. By doing this, a person who is self-aware can be honest with themselves and address and/or correct potentially problematic characteristics about themselves. It’s not that someone who is self-aware avoids certain arguments or disagreements, but they are able to better navigate them by not putting the responsibility of their triggers or responses onto their partner.
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3. Sense of Humor
A sense of humor is essential for a good life, so there’s no wonder why it can also have such a positive effect on one’s romantic life. A crucial part of developing a bond is the ability to relate to one another and sharing a good sense of humor is an easy way to do that. Humor enhances connection and intimacy between two people. Humor can also come in handy when managing conflict effectively. Let's be real, it's hard to stay mad at someone when that inside joke they always share to relieve tension enters the conversation. Humor is a sign of playfulness and playfulness is a sign of enjoyment which ultimately leads to a more satisfying, fulfilling relationship.
4. Respect
Respect is considered to be the foundation of a healthy, successful relationship, and rightfully so. If there was ever any wonder of what respect is in relationships, respect is the acknowledgment and the acceptance of a person as a whole individual outside of the relationship. They have their own feelings, they have their own ideas and perspectives, they have their own experiences, and respect for them is saying that that is okay. When there's respect, two people can openly talk to each other about any and everything, lead with honesty, give space when needed, respect boundaries, listen to each other actively, and ultimately value the other person’s needs.
5. Openness
Openness was briefly touched on in the previous quality mentioned in this article, but it deserves a section of its own. The ability to be open goes hand in hand with effective communication. Openness is a standard of communication that creates a feeling of safety, security, validation, and depth. Instead of walking on eggshells or a feeling of keeping the peace, a partner who is open can be honest about their needs, feelings, fears, insecurities, etc. without fear of repercussion or the relationship ending. This avoids creating resentment in relationships which can often be damaging to a relationship if left unchecked.
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6. Patience
As the bible says, "Love is patient." And there is a lot of truth to that. Trust is important and so is respect, but something a little understated to the longevity of a relationship is one's ability to be patient. According to marriage.com, patience is the opposite of aggression which means that space is created to allow for a healthy communicative approach that encourages the other person to remain open rather than shut down. It also is a quality that demonstrates one's ability to show that they value their partner beyond whatever conflict or flaws arise. It shows an uncanny ability to weather the storm without punishing the other person for what they might internalize as something being "wrong" with them.
7. Affection
Affection is another essential in a healthy relationship. Affection adds a layer of intimacy that isn't always as present in non-romantic relationships. As such, it is important that the person in a relationship understands that there is a degree of warmth and kindness that should be expressed in an outward way. Some forms of affection (like handholding or various forms of PDA) might be more important to some people than others, but warmth and closeness should be something expressed in a partnership, whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical acts of affection. Being open to giving and open to receiving affection in a romantic relationship adds pleasure and further connection in relationships.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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