I don't know who needs to hear this but, you are not (and should not be) the end-all-be-all solution to everyone's problems. Burnout is a real issue among women, and it often stems from overcompensating, over-performing, and overextending yourself until you finally give zero F's and become over it.
I recently came across a term that made me do a double-take on my own life: overfunctioning. According to the experts at Psychology Today, overfunctioning happens when you go above and beyond to control a situation and other's perceptions and feelings around it. You try to become the hero who will do anything to make sure that all is well, even if it means putting yourself last or not getting what you truly want.
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A study found that 70 percent of working women have experienced burnout since the start of the pandemic. In addition to being "Zoomed" to death, women have to deal with household and care-giving responsibilities, educational pursuits, and other commitments that put them in overfunctioning mode.
Here's what overfunctioning looks like:
- Excessive people-pleasing to avoid disappointing others
- Avoiding saying "no"
- Setting goals for other people without their permission
- Taking on more responsibilities even when you are not asked
- Enabling bad behaviors in others
- Always talking and never listening to others
- Giving unsolicited advice
- Feeling like a victim when others do not recognize your efforts
As an overfunctioner, your anxiety is the driver of your actions because in your mind, if you are not in control of everything, something has to go wrong eventually. You may argue that overfunctioning is "just how it is" or "just the way you are," but it's actually a response to anxiety related to things that honestly have nothing to do with you.
Here's the thing: For so long, we've heard the narrative of being a "strong Black woman." We have to be tough, resilient, independent, and ready to take on life without a flinch because that is what we were taught to do. However, we have to be conscious enough to understand when we follow generational or societal trends by default or subscribe to the need to constantly be in control at all times.
Whatever your reason, take time to understand the emotional, physical, and mental toll overfunctioning can take on your life. "Doing the most" gives you an illusion of being in control when, in reality, you are losing control of yourself.
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If you're overfunctioning, understand this:
- You don't always have to be the bigger person if it's to your own mental and physical detriment.
- You don't always have to give people, work, and situations every bit of your being.
- You don't always have to find a solution just because someone comes to you with a problem.
- You don't always have to be a helicopter wife, girlfriend, parent, or friend, trying to stop others from learning from their own mistakes.
You are ultimately responsible for yourself and how you react and respond to life.
You will find better peace of mind knowing that you can eliminate burnout when you stay and operate within your lane and live a life where you can let your hair down and let others do the same, live life, and learn for themselves.
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It might sound like a strange approach on the surface, yet hear me out. There is plenty of science out here to support the fact that using mantras as a meditative practice can be beneficial on more than a few levels. Repeating a particular word or phrase while in a relaxed state can not only help reduce stress and get you to be more “present” (bookmark that), but mantras are also awesome when it comes to helping you to “reprogram” your mind so that you can feel more confident and less defensive.
This, in turn, can get your mind, body, and spirit to work in harmony with your partner — all of which are needed if you want to have a truly satisfying and fulfilling sex life.
If applying sex mantras to your world is something you’re willing to give a shot yet you have no clue of what to say, here are seven mantras that can inspire you to improve your boudoir action as well as come up with a few sex-themed ones of your own.
1. “My sensuality is incomparable.”
GiphyThe interesting thing about the word “sensual” (at least, to me) is a lot of people think that it automatically means “sexy” when that isn’t exactly the case. While sexiness is all about being sexually interesting or exciting, sensuality is more about gratifying one’s senses or appetite (which is why some people define food as being a “sensual experience”) — and yes, in several ways, those two things are quite different.
The reason why I say that is someone can look sexy all day long and still not be able to truly connect with their partner because they aren’t tapped into theirsexual love languages, theirerogenous zones, or what their partner may be sexually craving at the moment. Oh, but a sensual individual? They will be able to do all of this and so much more.
That’s actually one of the main reasons why I like the word “sensual” so much. You don’t have to look a certain way to be sensual. You don’t have to wear a specific thing to be sensual. You simply have to be observant, unselfish, and fully present — and yes, a person who is that way in the bedroom, they are both incomparable and unforgettable.
Just ask someone who has been with a sensual individual before. Watch how their eyes damn near glaze over as they reflect on the experiences. I’m not kidding.
So yeah, creating a mantra that encourages you to focus on your sensuality, even over being sexy, that is a great way to become a more sexually confident type of person — and where confidence resides, great results transpire. In and out of the bedroom alike.
2. “I am fully present.”
GiphyA few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?” A big part of it consisted of learning how to be mindful, which at the end of the day, is about being present. And just what does that mean? Personally, I like howone article that I read on the topic defined it: “being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment”.
Just a few days ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about what our favorite Luther Vandross songs were. Being the B-side woman that I am, I mentioned his joint, “For You to Love” (side note: peep YouTube comments on songs sometimes. I was moved to see a woman say that this was the last song she and her hubby danced to before he passed away 10 years ago and that they would’ve been together 54 years now if he was still alive).
Aside from the vocals and the bass player absolutely killin’ it, I just like the phrasing of sex in the song — nothing graphic, no unrealistic expectations (more on that in a bit); Luther said that he took a train in the pouring rain just for his partner to love him. Nothing more, nothing less.
And yes, taking on that kind of mindset sets the foundation for some pretty amazing sex because all you want to do is take in each moment, be fully engaged with your bae, and accept them (as they do the same thing for you) with no judgment. It’s not about what happened last time; it’s about simply enjoying this time. What happens happens, and what comes (or cums) comes. You’re here for all of it, and that’s what matters most. When it comes to sex, this is a lot of what being present is all about.
3. “If I didn’t want to please you, I wouldn’t be here.”
GiphySelfish people will never experience all that comes withmind-blowing sex (check out “Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It.”). Why? Because all that they really care about is what they can get out of the exchange. That’s why, it has always been my belief that, if you want some of the best sex of your life,you need to be a pleaser, and your partner needs to be that way too. I am a huge fan of this because if you both get off on getting each other off…how can sex not be a wonderful experience?
On the other hand, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel or think this way…essentially, you are totally wasting your time because if all they care about is themselves, I mean…masturbation is right there. Right?
I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but whenmy past sex partners were on some, “I just want to make you feel good, everything else is a bonus,” already I was on the verge of damn near climaxing because if that is your top agenda, I already know that I’m about to be in for a really good time!
So yeah, if earth-shattering sex is your goal, always go into the experience with the mentality of, “My time is precious, and so, if I wasn’t trying to please you, I wouldn’t be here” while expecting no less from “him.” Because, it’s true — if you both didn’t want to make sure that each of you will be able to get the absolute most out of what is about to go down, why are you trying to have sex in the first place? I mean…really.
4. “Having me is an honor.”
GiphyYou can think it’s an old-fashioned, dated, or antiquated thing to say, yet I do really find it to be pretty sad, just how casual so many people are about sex — seemingly now more than ever. I say that becausebeing casual is (literally) about being things like apathetic, nonchalant, and purposeless — and no, I don’t think that copulation should have that kind of energy attached to it.
When you decide to share your body with another individual, and especially when we as women decide to allow someone to literally enter inside of us, that should be treated as both an honor and a privilege.
I’m not being grandiose; I used the word “honor” by design because it means that you should be highly respected, esteemed, and even praised — that there is something so distinctive (which is a synonym of honor) about you that no one should approach you with a “ho-hum” attitude. Sir, what you are about to partake in is something that is truly magnificent. Please take special note.
And here’s the thing, sis: when you believe this about yourself, it will definitely make your sexual experience a better one because when you see yourself as something that is worthy of praise, you tend to want to create encounters that will amplify that.” And no, I don’t care how many times someone has already “had the pleasure” with you. Yesterday is a thing of the past. If he’s able to be with you, right here and right now, it is still an honor. Yet again. Lucky him.
5. “The expectations here are connection and pleasure.”
GiphyThe Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, “If you do not expect the unexpected, you will not recognize it when it arrives,” author Tom Bodett once said, “Disappointment resides in the gap between expectations and reality,” and some wise person out in the world once said, “Anger is just proof of how unrealistic your expectations were.”
When it comes to sex —even really good sex — I believe that all of these quotes should be tucked away somewhere in your mind because, as I also once read, oftentimes, we find ourselves frustrated in our relationships because we tie the word “always” to it. In other words, we don’t allow a lot of room for change, surprises, or simply something different, and the bedroom is not exempt from this.
Keeping all of this in mind, just imagine what it would be like if, each and every time we decided to have an intimate moment with our partner, we only had two expectations: to connect with them on a special level and to make sure that pleasure is mutually experienced. Not that sex is like it was the last time. Not thatmultiple orgasms must be had. Not that minds must be blown.
Imagine if the goal was simply to connect in a pleasurable way. Taking the pressure off to perform — or outperform — reduces stress, which opens the door up to all types of possibilities because you aren’t looking for anything other than to enjoy your partner…however that chooses to manifest itself. This time.
6. “Our desire is significant.”
GiphyI like the word “desire,” especially when it comes to sex. Desire means to make a request. Desire means to have a craving. Desire means to be sexually attracted. Desire means to see something (or one) asa source of satisfaction and enjoyment. Desire is about being highly passionate. Desire is about being eager to please. Desire is about having a voracious appetite. Desire is about having a clear motive. And, in this instance,desire is about lust — and love.
Taking all of this in, imagine what sex between you and your partner would be like if, all throughout the day, in preparation of what was to come, you both simply said to yourselves (and perhaps to each other on a call or via text) something along the lines of, “Our desire for each other is significant.” Yeah, I like the word “significant” too because it means that something or someone is special, important, and deserving of one’s attention. That said, GOODNESS — just imagine how you would feel if your partner shot you a text that said something like, “I crave you, and my intention is to please you on every level; that is how much I want you, so I request your presence at this hotel room tonight. It’s important.” WHEEEEEW.
Yeah, imagine if, every time you and your partner had sex, you went into seeing it — valuing it — as an important opportunity where you can have your appetite quenched. If that mindset doesn’t improve your sex life, honey…I don’t know what to tell you.
7. “I deserve this.”
GiphyLast year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?” Yep, I’m big on speaking out about what deserve means because far too many people out here come with an entitled — if not flat-out delusional — attitude about it. Why do I say that? Because, again, by definition of the word, in order to deserve something (or someone), you need to be qualified.
For instance, why should someone think that they deservea six-figure earner when they barely make $30,000, they have nothing in their savings account, and their credit is in shambles? Not only that, but they have a pattern of misspending and no plans to improve their financial issues. I’m telling you, once you get into your mind that you need to strive to “be what you think that you deserve,” not only does it humble you, it helps you to be more realistic in your approach to…a lot of things.
And as I bring this to a close, what does this have to do with sex? Well, when you choose a partner to share your body and energy with, whether you realize it, you are qualifying them to be with you. You are essentially saying that they have the “proper or necessary skills, knowledge, credentials, etc.” to experience intimacy with you on that level. And when they choose you, they are essentially saying the same thing (which is why people need to be more selective about who they choose to copulate with, chile).
And so, since both of you are qualified, there is no reason to be self-conscious, to worry about if you are “skilled enough” or to overthink everything. By you and your partner deciding to experience each other in this way and on this level, sis, you automatically deserve it — you deserve to have a memorable exchange that will bring you joy and fulfillment. Go into it with that mindset and watch how satisfied you will feel.
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That’s the thing about a mantra. While, on the surface, it seems like a simple phrase, if you unpack the meaning behind it, you’ll be amazed by what type of transformative vibes you can bring into your life — including your sex life.
Try it. You just might like it. A LOT.
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