I’ve been doing this marriage life coaching thing for almost twenty years now (no joke). And if there’s one thing that not just wives ask me, husbands do as well, it’s why does it seem like sometimes orgasms for women come supernaturally while other times, it’s frustrating as hell to even get close to climaxing.
Although I did write an article for the platform a couple of years back entitled, “Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?” that’s more about helpful hacks that can make orgasms more predictable (in the best way possible, of course). Today, though, what we’re going to get into is ten things that literally play a role in what can have you hanging from the chandeliers on Monday and then feel like you’re a couple of steps up from watching paint dry (I mean, that might be a bit extreme but…) on Friday.
Because although our culture may have you believe that mind-blowing sex is as simple as whether your partner can hold it down or not, those of us who know better get that having orgasms regularly, especially as a woman, is a bit more complex than that.
With that being acknowledged, here are ten things to take into serious consideration if you’d like your orgasms to happen way more often than they currently do — and you can’t seem to figure out why they, well, don’t.
1. Ovulation
GiphyBack when I used to work with an organization that worked with people who dealt with porn and sex addiction, whenever someone would ask for practical tips for making wiser sex decisions, one thing that I would almost always say is, “Know when you’re ovulating. It is absolutely not a coincidence that you’re hornier when it’s easiest for you to get pregnant.”
In fact, there is data to support that you increase your chances of having (more) orgasms during that particular time of the month because it’s when estrogen levels in your system tend to increase. So, if you haven’t been keeping up with your cycle, this is a great reason to start doing so. Random horniness during particular times of the month actually ain’t as “random” as you might think, sis.
2. Moods
GiphyDid you know that, reportedly, over 20 percent of people experience some type of mood disorder in their lifetime? So, if you’ve been constantly experiencing mood swings, please don’t just assume that it’s PMS or “just the way that you are.” Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, a poor diet, and underlying health issues are just some of the other things that could be coming into play.
Another issue that could be fighting against your orgasms?Stress.According to the American Psychological Association, 2 out of 3 Americans are stressed out, just by the current state of our country alone, and The American Institute of Stress says that 55 percent of us are stressed out during the day. When you factor in both of these facts, stress in your own life is definitely something worth pondering.
And here’s the thing: when you’re stressed out, it can take the biggest sex organ you’ve got out of the game — and that is your brain. It can also cause your cortisol (your stress hormone) levels to increase, which makes climaxing problematic too.
So, while sex can, ironically, decrease your stress levels, if you’re looking for an orgasm out of the deal, spending some time exercising, spending time soaking in the tub, or even just deep breathing before everything begins can help you to get the “icing” (orgasms); not just the “cake” (sex).
3. Lubrication
GiphyThe wetter, the better. When it comes to well, cumming, this point will always apply. Whether lubrication is natural or it comes from a bottle (or tube), it can help to make achieving the Big O easier as well. That’s because the more “lubed up” you are, the less friction and/or uncomfortable you will feel.
Hell, there are even some lubricants that profess to contain ingredients to delay ejaculation — and since it, on average, takes us about double the time it takes a man to “reach the mountaintop,” if you need more time to get there, lube (like this one here) might be just what you’ve been looking for.
4. Foreplay
GiphyThere are two different ways to process the benefits of foreplay when it comes to climaxing — physical and mental. Let’s do the physical part first. The more foreplay a woman receives (especially when it’s good foreplay), the easier it is for her body to relax, for blood circulation to flow throughout her pelvic region, for more natural lubrication to flow, and for her to feel more stimulated all the way around.
On the mental tip, a wife once said to me that when her husband takes his time during foreplay, it makes her feel sexy, thoroughly attended to, and very desired — and there’s no way that being in that headspace can’t significantly increase the chances of having one — or several — pretty amazing orgasms.
So, if your orgasms happen to very much so be hit-or-miss, take a mental note of what the foreplay has been like when you’ve been screaming and grabbing sheets vs. when you…haven’t.
5. Skipped Stages (of Orgasm)
GiphyI’m thinking that most of y’all know that orgasms happen in stages. For the most part, health experts agree that there are basically four of ‘em: desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution. Desire is what happens when you both want to have sex, and you’re experiencing foreplay. Arousal is when you’re on the brink of an orgasm. An orgasm is when you’ve hit your peak, and resolution is when your body prepares itself for (hopefully) some afterplay.
Although quickies work for some people, they don’t work for all because sometimes this means that the first initial stages are either skipped over or they are super quick. That’s why this point needed to be mentioned too because, if the long, romantic sessions always “get you there” but the bent-over-while-brushing-your-teeth moments don’t — it could be because you need more time for desire and arousal than others do (including quite possibly, your partner).
6. Your Connection with Your Partner
GiphySeveral years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married.” It basically shared six reasons why it makes sense that married people have better sex lives than singles do. Whether you choose to side-eye that or not, I’ll share two other things for you to ponder. One, when you think back on your own sexual journey, when has sex felt the most satisfying: when it was just sex or when there was a deeper emotional connection? And two, chile, even the most promiscuous of men in my world say that sex is better when they are into a woman as opposed to just being attracted to her.
Why is all of this the case? Well, think about when you feel mentally connected, emotionally safe, and profoundly cared for by another person — doesn’t that naturally enhance intimacy on a whole ‘nother level? When we feel totally in sync with someone, that can make orgasms easier, too, because that means there are no barriers or walls.
7. Overstimulation
GiphyI once read that over 163 million adult Americans own a sex toy. I’m not personally in that number because, for better or for worse, I’ve never personally had the need for one. However, between working with the organization that I mentioned earlier and the countless couples who I’ve counseled at this point, I will say that there is something to consider if you do happen to be a huge fan of ‘em.
While on one hand, sex toys could help you to discover what will make climaxing easier, like just about everything on the planet when it’s done in excess, sex toys can work against you as well. How? They can make “old-fashioned” sex with your partner more difficult because either you have unrealistic expectations from them (as far as, for example, how quickly you expect them to bring you to orgasm) or they can overstimulate you to the point where cumming with them is a challenge, period.
Probably the best way to look at this is sex toys and make-up have something in common — they are supposed to enhance your sex life, not change it altogether to where you barely recognize the “original version” of things. Yeah, if you’re out here peeved because a penis doesn’t work just like a Rose toy or a Rabbit, it’s time to “get back to the middle” on matters because, newsflash: penises never were supposed to.
8. Unrealistic Expectations
GiphySpeaking of unrealistic expectations…do you have any? Thinking that your partner should read your mind is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting every orgasm, every time, to have the same level of length or intensity is an unrealistic expectation. Comparing your sex life to your friends and their stories is an unrealistic expectation. Wanting your partner to be just like your ex (how would you feel if he expected that out of you, by the way?) is an unrealistic expectation. Thinking that sex won’t somewhat change over time or have ebbs and flows is an unrealistic expectation. Requiring less than what you give (both in and out of the bedroom, actually) is an unrealistic expectation.
Can sex be absolutely amazing? 1000 percent. I’ll go so far as to even say that it should be. At the same time, though, humans are human. They aren’t robotic. They aren’t always consistent. They damn sure aren’t perfect. Again, the biggest sex organ is your brain, so if you’re out here mentally expecting your partner to be a fantasy that you randomly conjured up in your mind, you could be setting yourself up for some serious disappointment — and it’s hard to cum when you’re in that state of mind.
9. Faking
GiphyIn 2019, I penned an article for the platform entitled “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” Then in 2021, I wrote the piece, “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” The topic needed to be broached because the reality is a lot of people are faking it out here (men included), and while folks have their reasons, personally, I am absolutely NOT a fan.
Chalk it up to the Gemini in me if you want; I just don’t get how being fake (a word that literally means things like deceptive and fraudulent) in the bedroom is ultimately benefiting anyone. In fact, most of the clients that I have who’ve admitted to doing it say that they only end up resenting their partner for thinking that they are doing a good job (i.e., “completing the mission”) when they actually aren’t. Yet if you’re lying to them, is that their fault or…yours?
If you’re someone who fakes because, say, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, although I get that, it’s still pretty counterproductive, especially if you’ve got a guy who sometimes makes you cum on a fluke (which can really make when it’s real vs. when it’s fake pretty confusing for him). If you’re not sure how to “get more honest” without it all blowing up in your face (“it” being the fact that you’ve been faking it all of this time), try and incorporate some more dirty talk into the dynamic. Listen, men don’t typically mind taking clear instructions in the bedroom…so long as they’re delivered in a “dirty” kind of way. #wink
10. Fatigue
GiphyWith reportedly 40 percent of us falling asleep during the day at least once a month and between 50-70 million Americans having sleep disorders, it makes complete and total sense that fatigue could play a role in, not just how strong your libido is (or isn’t) but if you’re having orgasms too. Believe it or not, there are studies that reveal that a lack of quality rest can take a direct toll on women as far as sexual arousal goes, not to mention the fact that our genitalia responds better to sexual stimulation once we’ve received some much-needed zzz’s.
So, if you know that you’re not consistently getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, don’t put more pressure on your partner to perform better. Chances are, your sexual responses are all over the place due to lack of sleep…not good lovin’.
By the way, “These 12 Tips Will Improve Your Sleep Patterns. And Your Sex Life.” can totally help you out in this department — if you need it. And who doesn’t need more orgasms, chile?
Like…c’mon now. Take a nap. GET. IT. ON.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Ananda Lewis Clarifies Why She Didn't Get A Mastectomy & Says She's Doing 'Better' After Stage IV Breast Cancer Diagnosis
Former MTV VJ Ananda Lewis received a lot of backlash from online critics after sharing she decided to forgo a double mastectomy. But there's more to the story.
Ananda was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer in 2019, and during a recent round table discussion with CNN's Stephanie Elam and Sara Sidner, she revealed that she decided not to get a double mastectomy and, now, she has stage IV cancer.
Following that interview, she clarified why she did not get the surgery. “The circumstances were not conducive to surgery because my tumor wasn’t aggressively growing at the time, and then COVID hit,” Ananda told The Epoch Times.
She opted for a cryoablation treatment instead, which uses extreme cold to destroy the cancer cells.
Another thing the 51-year-old wanted to clarify was whether she was dying. She said she is not. “Nothing happened. Today, I am fantastic. I may have felt like I was dying in February, but I’m not dying, and I’m definitely doing better than I was last October,” she said.
She is focused on taking care of herself and getting a "good 20 more years out of this body." She follows a keto diet and avoids alcohol, white flour and white sugar.
During the CNN roundtable discussion, the mother of one shared that she had an integrative approach to her treatment, which included traditional medicine and homeopathy methods such as red light therapy.
“My plan at first was to get out excessive toxins in my body. I felt like my body is intelligent, I know that to be true. Our bodies are brilliantly made,” she said.
“I decided to keep my tumor and try to work it out of my body a different way,” she continued. “Looking back on that, I go, ‘You know what? Maybe I should have.’
Ananda also admitted that she wasn't prioritizing early detection, such as getting mammograms. The former talk show host's mom also had breast cancer and chose to go the conventional route, which influenced her to go a non-traditional route.
As a content creator, Ananda uses her social media to inform others on the things she's learned about obtaining good health such as toxic items to through out of your pantry and the many benefits of water.
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