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9 Lessons I've Learned From 10 Years Of Having Sex
OK, so maybe it's been a little more than a decade since I first started having sex. I lost my virginity sometime around my sophomore year in high school and I'm currently in my early 30's. In the time between that fateful summer night when I gave it up to my high school sweetheart (with the tune of 112 playing in the background) to now, I've learned my fair share of lessons about owning your sexuality, getting the best out of your body, and understanding how to deal with the ups and downs that come with carnal pleasure.
1.Body Positivity Leads To Great Sex
When I was younger, I can remember being in sexy situations that sometimes didn't feel so sexy. Insisting on wearing a t-shirt during sex to cover up my soft mid-section, turning off the lights to avoid too much up-close eye contact. Ultimately, this had more to do with my own confidence than a man's opinion of me.
The bottom line? Once you take a long hard look in the mirror and fall in love with what you see, you'll find better orgasms will ultimately follow.
2.It's OK To Explore Your Comfort Zone
When I was 19, I had what I fondly refer to as my "summer of love." Translation: I decided to sleep with a girl.
It was an important part of my sexual development that defined my preference and identity as a woman who considers herself to be pansexual. But gender preference isn't the only thing that's important to explore. Safely and responsibly trying out different elements of the sexual spectrum will lend itself to the most beautiful and awakening self-education.
3.Unapologetically Ask Potential Partners For What You Want
There was a time when I felt like telling a man what I wanted him to do to me in bed was too dominating, too upfront and possibly mood-ruining. But, the truth is – depending on how you say it – telling a partner how you like to be pleased serves two very important purposes. Not only is it great foreplay, but it kind of cuts right to the chase and eliminates guessing games.
No one wants to play a game that doesn't come with instructions.
4.School Yourself In Some You
In order to tell a partner what you want – you kind of have to know what you want. The best way to get to know your sexual self? Self-satisfaction. Invest a little time and a little money in the pleasure of your own company. Discover what makes you come alive (wink) so that when it's time to teach your partner what you like – you'll know exactly what to say. Not only is it the perfect way to fill those chill Sunday mornings, scientists have also discovered that it has a laundry list of health benefits.
5.Family Planning Doesn't Have To Be Painful
We can't talk about sex without talking about birth control. If you're like me, you've literally tried everything under the sun to prevent unwanted pregnancy. For me, one of my priorities was finding a way to do this without harming my body – or my chances of getting pregnant when I was ready. In my early twenties, I started tracking my periods and cycles, writing down details about everything from discharge to what my body felt like each day. After about a year of learning the signs of ovulation, I dropped my prescription birth control and went all-natural.
For those too scared to try the rhythm method, there are devices like Natural Cycles that read your basil temperature and tell you each morning if you're ovulating. This very accurate form of birth control is 100% accurate and imposes zero threat to your reproductive health.
6.Don't Have Sex With Partners You Don't Trust
I can remember the last time I was with a man who cheated on me. I had been suspicious for months and when his side chick called my phone, it was the confirming moment that I needed to move on. Of course, it also lead to a very scary trip to the clinic when I went to make sure everything below was nice and healthy. The lesson I took from that experience? Don't entertain partners who you even think could be cheating. If you're not quite ready to leave (we all have our reasons), at least abstain from unprotected sex in the meantime.
You're just as likely from catching an STD from a cheating partner as you are from a stranger on the street.
7.Never Apologize For Being Polyamorous
Between committed relationships, my dating status is always 'open'. As in, I will sleep with whomever I want, whenever I want. Being single is about being free and learning all about who I am and what I want and I am staunchly against strings during those periods. Plenty of men have taken this philosophy into question through the years and I make it a point not to entertain the naysayers. Monogamy is something I enter into with partners I think deserve that level of commitment from me and it sets the tone for a relationship that I want to last a long time. I'm okay with being selective about that and about exploring my options between boyfriends.
Don't like it? Bye.
8.Healthier Body = Better Sex
Believe it or not, we are what we eat. What we eat also has a huge impact on how we sex. Drinking plenty of water, getting plenty of sleep, and staying away from unhealthy eating habits doesn't just ensure a longer life – it ensures a better sex life. When I wasn't taking care of myself, my desire decreased and I even had a hard time having orgasms.
Our bodies function better when they are being taken care of and that includes how we perform in bed. Kind of adds a little extra motivation for working it at the gym.
9.Foreplay Can Be Incredible When It's Edible
I'll admit it – I like blowjobs a lot more now than I did back in the day. There's something to be said for what happens when your sexual palate matures. Part of it was growing up, but the other part of it was all about learning different techniques. Everyone approaches oral sex with a different comfort level but what I learned is that for mind-truly-blowing sex, it's a must-have every time.
For me, oral sex is something I'm more comfortable with in a committed relationship, which is why I tend to believe committed, safe sex is the best sex in the world.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."