

OK, so maybe it's been a little more than a decade since I first started having sex. I lost my virginity sometime around my sophomore year in high school and I'm currently in my early 30's. In the time between that fateful summer night when I gave it up to my high school sweetheart (with the tune of 112 playing in the background) to now, I've learned my fair share of lessons about owning your sexuality, getting the best out of your body, and understanding how to deal with the ups and downs that come with carnal pleasure.
1.Body Positivity Leads To Great Sex
When I was younger, I can remember being in sexy situations that sometimes didn't feel so sexy. Insisting on wearing a t-shirt during sex to cover up my soft mid-section, turning off the lights to avoid too much up-close eye contact. Ultimately, this had more to do with my own confidence than a man's opinion of me.
The bottom line? Once you take a long hard look in the mirror and fall in love with what you see, you'll find better orgasms will ultimately follow.
2.It's OK To Explore Your Comfort Zone
When I was 19, I had what I fondly refer to as my "summer of love." Translation: I decided to sleep with a girl.
It was an important part of my sexual development that defined my preference and identity as a woman who considers herself to be pansexual. But gender preference isn't the only thing that's important to explore. Safely and responsibly trying out different elements of the sexual spectrum will lend itself to the most beautiful and awakening self-education.
3.Unapologetically Ask Potential Partners For What You Want
There was a time when I felt like telling a man what I wanted him to do to me in bed was too dominating, too upfront and possibly mood-ruining. But, the truth is – depending on how you say it – telling a partner how you like to be pleased serves two very important purposes. Not only is it great foreplay, but it kind of cuts right to the chase and eliminates guessing games.
No one wants to play a game that doesn't come with instructions.
4.School Yourself In Some You
In order to tell a partner what you want – you kind of have to know what you want. The best way to get to know your sexual self? Self-satisfaction. Invest a little time and a little money in the pleasure of your own company. Discover what makes you come alive (wink) so that when it's time to teach your partner what you like – you'll know exactly what to say. Not only is it the perfect way to fill those chill Sunday mornings, scientists have also discovered that it has a laundry list of health benefits.
5.Family Planning Doesn't Have To Be Painful
We can't talk about sex without talking about birth control. If you're like me, you've literally tried everything under the sun to prevent unwanted pregnancy. For me, one of my priorities was finding a way to do this without harming my body – or my chances of getting pregnant when I was ready. In my early twenties, I started tracking my periods and cycles, writing down details about everything from discharge to what my body felt like each day. After about a year of learning the signs of ovulation, I dropped my prescription birth control and went all-natural.
For those too scared to try the rhythm method, there are devices like Natural Cycles that read your basil temperature and tell you each morning if you're ovulating. This very accurate form of birth control is 100% accurate and imposes zero threat to your reproductive health.
6.Don't Have Sex With Partners You Don't Trust
I can remember the last time I was with a man who cheated on me. I had been suspicious for months and when his side chick called my phone, it was the confirming moment that I needed to move on. Of course, it also lead to a very scary trip to the clinic when I went to make sure everything below was nice and healthy. The lesson I took from that experience? Don't entertain partners who you even think could be cheating. If you're not quite ready to leave (we all have our reasons), at least abstain from unprotected sex in the meantime.
You're just as likely from catching an STD from a cheating partner as you are from a stranger on the street.
7.Never Apologize For Being Polyamorous
Between committed relationships, my dating status is always 'open'. As in, I will sleep with whomever I want, whenever I want. Being single is about being free and learning all about who I am and what I want and I am staunchly against strings during those periods. Plenty of men have taken this philosophy into question through the years and I make it a point not to entertain the naysayers. Monogamy is something I enter into with partners I think deserve that level of commitment from me and it sets the tone for a relationship that I want to last a long time. I'm okay with being selective about that and about exploring my options between boyfriends.
Don't like it? Bye.
8.Healthier Body = Better Sex
Believe it or not, we are what we eat. What we eat also has a huge impact on how we sex. Drinking plenty of water, getting plenty of sleep, and staying away from unhealthy eating habits doesn't just ensure a longer life – it ensures a better sex life. When I wasn't taking care of myself, my desire decreased and I even had a hard time having orgasms.
Our bodies function better when they are being taken care of and that includes how we perform in bed. Kind of adds a little extra motivation for working it at the gym.
9.Foreplay Can Be Incredible When It's Edible
I'll admit it – I like blowjobs a lot more now than I did back in the day. There's something to be said for what happens when your sexual palate matures. Part of it was growing up, but the other part of it was all about learning different techniques. Everyone approaches oral sex with a different comfort level but what I learned is that for mind-truly-blowing sex, it's a must-have every time.
For me, oral sex is something I'm more comfortable with in a committed relationship, which is why I tend to believe committed, safe sex is the best sex in the world.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Skyh Black Says Wife KJ Smith "Saved The Second Part Of My Life"
Before the red carpets, acting gigs, and coupled-up photo ops with his wife KJ Smith, Skyh Black was grinding through self-doubt, LA struggle story, and the kind of inner questioning that has broken the spirit of many Hollywood dreamers.
Most of us might recognize the Miami-born actor for his breakout roles on Tyler Perry’s Sistas and All The Queen’s Men, but for Skyh, the road to success wasn’t easy. On this week's episode of xoMAN, the actor opened up about his Hollywood come-up, what he had to heal to get there, and the woman who not only saw him, but made him feel the safest he's ever felt.
"She Saved The Second Part Of My Life": Skyh Black On Finding Safety In Love
"I love, like that is my lifeline," Skyh said of KJ Smith, his wife and fellow actor. "I really feel she saved the second part of my life."
The two met while filming Sistas, but as Skyh shared with xoMAN host Kiara Walker, their love didn't actually blossom until later. "People think we got together there, but we didn’t even get together—we got together outside," he explained. "At that time, we were both in LA. So she called me right after I booked All the Queens Men. And she said, ‘Hey’—she DM'd me," he laughs. "She slid in the DMs. She did."
Watch the full podcast episode here:
From DMs To Soulmates: How Skyh & KJ’s Love Story Began
That DM turned into a three-hour phone call, a Malibu picnic first date, and the beginning of a love story that’s still unfolding, now with a baby on the way. “She did not let me get none that night,” Skyh joked, “But we have not been apart since the 7th of January. 2021.”
Their relationship, much like their careers, is deeply intertwined. The couple has a coffee brand together (BLACK. Coffee), a production company, and will soon star in an upcoming film. "It's going to be interesting," Skyh said of the forthcoming project. "We know each other so well. And we know each other's weaknesses, and we also know each other-- we're not nice to each other," he laughed. "We love each other too much to be nice to each other... when we're working."
When asked by Kiara if that dynamic ever gets annoying, Skyh didn’t hesitate: "Not at all. I've never met anybody that knows me better than me and knows what's better for me than me."
On How He Knew She Was His One
Skyh Black and KJ Smith
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There’s a depth to how Skyh talks about KJ that feels rare and moving, even from the outside looking in. "That is such a loaded question," he said when asked how he knew she was the one. "I mean, K is like. It's just like, it doesn't not make sense. It's just kinda like, 'That's the love of my life, bro.' I don't know, I just feel so safe."
And it shows. "Every little instance it's like a twinkle in your eye," Kiara pointed out during the interview. "I wish she was here," Skyh said with a smile.
At a time when vulnerability from Black men is still often seen as taboo, Skyh’s transparency is refreshing af. But it also serves as a reminder that real love can be healing, collaborative, and deeply affirming.
And as he enters a new chapter as a husband, actor, entrepreneur, and soon-to-be father (Baby Black is loading), it’s clear Skyh isn’t just surviving Hollywood, he’s building a legacy with his love right by his side.
Want more of Skyh’s love story, career gems, and what keeps him grounded? Catch the full episode of the xoMAN now streaming on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube.
Featured image by Shutterstock