In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
You might know LaToya and Adam Ali from YouTube where the couple share their life and love alongside their two adorable children, Samia and Zayn.
And if you watched any of their videos on their hit family channel LaToya's Life, it won't take long for you to label these two "relationship goals." With their obvious love for one another, coupled with their strong friendship, LaToya and Adam give us a look into a modern day life of black family and all its realness. But regardless of how much they personify "relationship goals" and all we may seek in our own love lives, the Ali's want us all to know, they are just like any other couple.
LaToya, best known as LaToya Forever, is a YouTube personality, author, and founder of health and wellness site ShesTough.com. Her husband, Adam best known as @AdamWontLose, is a YouTube personality, fitness professional, and brand marketer. Within the last 8 years, these two have gotten married, expanded their YouTube brands LaToya's Life and LaToya Forever, started a family, and have been involved with multiple business ventures together.
But before their success as a couple, it all started down in the DMs.
Back in 2011, Adam reached out to Latoya in hopes of collaborating on a fitness video. At the time, he was expanding his own fitness brand and reached out to LaToya, hoping to build a team of influencers that support one another. She obliged and before the collab could even officially take place, they met up and had an instant connection. Although their initial meeting was completely professional and they then went on to shoot the first of many video collaborations, the connection between these two was quite obvious. Soon after, they began dating, fell in love, got married, and started their family.
But what makes their love story so admirable, is their authenticity. These two aren't trying to be some perfect fairytale love story, nor do they wish for you to idolize their relationship, they are simply showing their own life and love with all the chaos and realness that comes with it. "Don't look at us as perfection, yes we may do some things that you can aspire to want in your relationship but just focus on your relationship and how you can improve individually and together with your partner," Adam expressed.
While other social media couples may aim for perfection, likes, or subscribers, these two focus on the authenticity of their life, love, and their family.
It may have all started unintentionally with a DM, but their relationship has since grew into a loving marriage, a family of four, and a YouTube brand of positive black love. And by the looks of it, the Alis are just getting started.
Here's their story.
The One
LaToya: I knew that Adam was the one for me because he never let me walk all over him like my ex boyfriends. He's super manly, super business oriented, and he puts me in my place and I needed that at that time in my life because I was like crazy, wild, super energetic, kinda lost and he knew how to get me to become a better version of myself.
Now, we play so many roles together, we do business together, we're parents, we're lovers, we're best friends.
Adam: I felt like we complemented one another and we were both looking to build and that's what was important to me, someone that I could build with so that's what showed me she was the one.
Building Together
LaToya: Before marriage, we had already been living together so we knew each other's habits and what irritated each of us. Now, if you want to talk about how was life after purchasing our first home, that's a whole other ball game! We had to be smarter with our money, especially with a newborn. We had to figure out how to keep this place in order, especially because we worked from home. We hired a cook because we had no time to prepare all these meals because we had to film. Adam took it upon himself to manage our finances because if I were to do so, I would be serving Louis Vuitton bags for dinner.
Love Work
LaToya: One thing that makes our relationship work, would be love. Putting love first makes it work! I'm at my best when he shows me he loves me, shows me he appreciate me, shows me that I'm worthy. I'm an emotional person so love, love is the answer (laughs).
Adam: Communication! I think we're at our best when we communicate with each other.
Learning Each Other's Love Language
LaToya: It takes a lot to be mindful to showcase a love language that you're not too accustomed to do. Again, it requires intent, eqo dropping, and emotional investment to make love work. It's been a process of reading and learning.
We both come from different cultures, which means we [have] seen love displayed in different ways.
The Real Behind Relationship Goals
LaToya: Don't compare your relationship to other peoples' relationship that you see on social media because that's not even half of their story. There is so much people go through off of the pictures, off of the videos. So, just put your best selves out there every single day and do your best.
Nobody's perfect and we show that in our videos.
That's why a lot of the times if I do something crazy in our videos, it's expected because I put myself out there in a real way. Just keeping it real, you know! (laughs)
Adam: Whenever you look at a screen, it's so natural to typically look for perfection. Whether it's TV, or a movie, anything that's a tube, your expectations typically are that it should be perfect and that's not reality, this is not the movies and they can't come look at our content expecting that everything is lovely and dandy, that's just not how real relationships go. And then you guys want to be surprised when you look at these other couples you adore, all of a sudden are no longer together or they divorce or stuff like that, you know they can't fake it forever. I would say don't look at us as perfection, yes we may do some things that you can aspire to want in your relationship but just focus on your relationship and how you can improve individually and together with your partner.
For more on their journey be sure to subscribe to their YouTube channels LaToya Forever and LaToya's Life as well as follow them at @LaToyaForever and @AdamWontLose.
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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