

I always ask myself: How did I get here?
Since I can recall, I have always had enormous plans for my future. I was going to take Atlanta by storm and not only be the best journalist in the game, but also take care of the people I left behind in Ohio.
Instead, I am a 27-year-old struggling single mother, and the truth is that I regret having my child.
For years, I battled with my self-esteem, allowing myself to be bound to unhealthy relationships and circumstances. Ultimately, it led me to a Planned Parenthood clinic, where I considered having an abortion. But after discussing the matter with my family and boyfriend at the time, I decided to have my child. My baby's father promised to be there for us and support me along the way, but promises are made to be broken they say, and five years later, he is absent and uninterested in fathering the child he begged for. Just like all of the single mothers I witnessed growing up, I consciously decided that I was going to take care of my child to the best of my ability with or without the father.
What I was not aware of was the sacrifice that come along with becoming someone's mother.
It's embarrassing to admit that I can see life without being a parent; a life in which I would thoroughly enjoy. I often hear parents saying their kids are the best thing that happened to them. What I never hear is people like myself, who love their child but birthing them may have completely destroyed the life they wanted for themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I love my child and I am a good parent. I was blessed with an outgoing, intelligent and loving child. We share daily aspirations of power. I embed into his spirit how priceless he is and all of the possibilities he has in the world. School functions and extra-curricular activities are vital. I am at each event cheering him on as the proud parent he knows and deserves.
The problem is the peace that my life lacks when I lay down at night. The turmoil in my spirit that leaves me wondering “what if" daily. Vivid dreams of what could've been prevent me from accepting what is.
However, I don't blame my child. I take full responsibility in this situation because I had a choice, and I chose to sacrifice my mind, body and future to please someone else. There was a lack of self-love, which catapulted my desire to please everyone but myself.
Here I am now trying to figure it all out. I am hurt and ashamed, but looking for a raft to grab onto to navigate these waters of my reality.
My message to other people in this situation is to understand that you are not alone. Society does not necessarily accept our truth, but nevertheless it's ours. As we battle what is in comparison to what could've been, I hope we find peace. The new goal is to find a way to join both my reality and my heart's desires.
I know I can still have the life I wanted for myself. We all can. The first step is realizing it. Once we accept that are dreams are still possible, even if they were detoured by motherhood, we can begin taking the steps necessary to start working towards our dreams again.
Have a personal story or essay you'd like to share with our readers? Email your submissions to submissions@xonecole.com to be our next featured story.
- 'Talk To Your Mom' Is The Conversation You Wish You Had After ... ›
- Why Doesn't Naomi Campbell Have Kids? - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
A Celebration Of Black Voices: What You Missed At The 3rd Annual Black Effect Podcast Festival
Over the weekend, iHeart Radio held its third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival in Atlanta, attracting a star-studded lineup of personalities and shows. Charlamagne tha God, founder of the Black Effect podcast network was in attendance along with other notable personalities like Mandii B and Weezy WTF, the hosts of the popular Decisions, Decisions podcast, who also served as the festival's hosts.
Sarah Jakes Roberts, the esteemed pastor and host of Woman Evolve podcast, singers and co-hosts of the R&B Money podcast, Tank and J. Valentine, former NFL star and Funky Friday host Cam Newton and many more further rounded out the festivals' lineup.
The festival hosted panels that focused on mental health and the future of podcasting as well as many live shows. Good Moms, Bad Choices hosts, Erica and Milah, welcomed Dreka Gates and held a live dating show that was nothing short of hilarious. Naked Sports host Cari Champion sat down with Iman Shumpert and they discussed sports and dating.
Tank and J. Valentine surprised the audience with Jacquees, Cam had a live conversation with Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Williams, and Sarah closed out the festival with reality star Toya Johnson. Check out photos from the festival below:
(L-R) Shawn Bethea, Jay Barnett, Devi Brown, Charlamagne tha God and Amber Grimes
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Jamilah Mapp, Dreka Gates and Erica Dickerson
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Mandii B and Weezy WTF
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Porsha Williams and Cam Newton
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Iman Shumpert and Cari Champion
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Tank, Jacquees and J. Valentine
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network