I Have Different Baby Daddies & I Am Not Ashamed
Relax, you're a baby mama now. I hate that term but since we know that term, let's digest it. See, marriage was there but when over, his resentment was so deep that he went from calling me "bae", "boo", "wife", and "queen", to his "baby mama".
Round one, fight.
So I'll fight for the life I so aimlessly dreamed of as a little girl. See. Barbie had me believing in Ken, and Disney had me believing in fairy tales. I skipped the part of life that taught me family is important and strong peaceful homes are what's best.
If you think for one minute that women who have children by different men are ashamed, think again. We're not. I'm part of a beautiful tribe of queens on this side of the second or third Baby Daddyville right now.
We give no energy to the nonsense, and contrary to your thoughts, aren't smashable, needy, or looking for a new father for their children. Instead, we are running companies, managing homes, buying trademarks, liberated, happy, and patiently waiting on what's good. Hiding in plain sight.
I'm a mother first, with children who I intentionally teach that our stories aren't for us to keep and that living loudly in our truths shall set us free.
After failures, adding another baby daddy to the team didn't seem so bad. It became the only solution to running and running from what felt like the cheap version of love.
Those chapters must've been practice because I was falling in love, strong-like with more than one "somebody son" before falling deeply in love with myself. I blamed love for the part of me that needed to slow down to see me. I told myself, relax girl, own your story girl, go get your peace girl, and then eventually the shift in my mindset came:
I stopped defending a man's assumptions or anyone's ignorance of a woman with multiple baby daddies and started saying, "The version of us they created in their mind isn't our responsibility."
I stopped thinking, past relationships fucked me up, and started saying, "I could have left at the first sign and been good."
I stopped staying too long in unhappiness out of fear that another woman I didn't know would be near my child and started co-parenting with acceptance, manifestation, and boundaries.
And let's not forget: I accepted sexuality with help from a woman in a payday loan store who told me straight up, "You just a fertile woman. Accept that." So I did. #Transparency.
Life has a funny way of showing you things, and with every crossroad, you have to make the best judgment that you feel and that's OK. This is a reality check for mothers with multiple baby daddies to acknowledge that we are in society's conversation and that, in turn, makes us more ridiculed for our higher standards. That's OK, too.
You'd think by now that the multiple baby daddy stigma placed on women of color would be eliminated because it assumes a woman must have character traits associated with a whore or slut, or even a careless, easy, or unworthy woman. Saying nothing about the men in this same light is weird.
How long does it take until a man removes his own blinders to find out that he experiences some shit called soul ties? Decades, right? Body count in the hundreds, right?
And no, this section is not a bashing moment. It's more like a blasting moment in that chapter that led me to lace up some shoes and walk in soles that lead to the souls tied to my own reality.
There's a deeper story behind each child I've nurtured who calls me mommy. I play no victim here. A mother of three by three, with our different last names sounding like a variety of flavors---my children and I eat this journey up.
Listening to the judgments of men and fake friends---the laughing, family gossip, co-worker scrutiny, the whispers---this decade showed us something. If a person lacks the thinking capacity above their own fairy-tale mentality to see the beauty in you owning your shit---healing and happy as a mom---run fast. People will talk, but silence is the loudest. Soon, they'll realize that their own story is the one that's not OK---while we plan play dates.
Want to see more of my articles like this? Follow me on Instagram at @sweetsoulsasha.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
- Two kids, two fathers, no problem | Life and style | The Guardian ›
- 1 in 5 US women have kids with multiple dads - Health - Children's ... ›
- Celeb Moms With The Most Baby Daddies | BabyGaga ›
- Celebrities With The Most Baby Mamas And Daddies Exposed ›
- First Look: "6 Kids, 5 Baby Daddies & No Clue" | Iyanla: Fix My Life ... ›
- Multiple Baby Daddies Can Make You Poor ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images