

I Have Different Baby Daddies & I Am Not Ashamed
Relax, you're a baby mama now. I hate that term but since we know that term, let's digest it. See, marriage was there but when over, his resentment was so deep that he went from calling me "bae", "boo", "wife", and "queen", to his "baby mama".
Round one, fight.
So I'll fight for the life I so aimlessly dreamed of as a little girl. See. Barbie had me believing in Ken, and Disney had me believing in fairy tales. I skipped the part of life that taught me family is important and strong peaceful homes are what's best.
If you think for one minute that women who have children by different men are ashamed, think again. We're not. I'm part of a beautiful tribe of queens on this side of the second or third Baby Daddyville right now.
We give no energy to the nonsense, and contrary to your thoughts, aren't smashable, needy, or looking for a new father for their children. Instead, we are running companies, managing homes, buying trademarks, liberated, happy, and patiently waiting on what's good. Hiding in plain sight.
I'm a mother first, with children who I intentionally teach that our stories aren't for us to keep and that living loudly in our truths shall set us free.
After failures, adding another baby daddy to the team didn't seem so bad. It became the only solution to running and running from what felt like the cheap version of love.
Those chapters must've been practice because I was falling in love, strong-like with more than one "somebody son" before falling deeply in love with myself. I blamed love for the part of me that needed to slow down to see me. I told myself, relax girl, own your story girl, go get your peace girl, and then eventually the shift in my mindset came:
I stopped defending a man's assumptions or anyone's ignorance of a woman with multiple baby daddies and started saying, "The version of us they created in their mind isn't our responsibility."
I stopped thinking, past relationships fucked me up, and started saying, "I could have left at the first sign and been good."
I stopped staying too long in unhappiness out of fear that another woman I didn't know would be near my child and started co-parenting with acceptance, manifestation, and boundaries.
And let's not forget: I accepted sexuality with help from a woman in a payday loan store who told me straight up, "You just a fertile woman. Accept that." So I did. #Transparency.
Life has a funny way of showing you things, and with every crossroad, you have to make the best judgment that you feel and that's OK. This is a reality check for mothers with multiple baby daddies to acknowledge that we are in society's conversation and that, in turn, makes us more ridiculed for our higher standards. That's OK, too.
You'd think by now that the multiple baby daddy stigma placed on women of color would be eliminated because it assumes a woman must have character traits associated with a whore or slut, or even a careless, easy, or unworthy woman. Saying nothing about the men in this same light is weird.
How long does it take until a man removes his own blinders to find out that he experiences some shit called soul ties? Decades, right? Body count in the hundreds, right?
And no, this section is not a bashing moment. It's more like a blasting moment in that chapter that led me to lace up some shoes and walk in soles that lead to the souls tied to my own reality.
There's a deeper story behind each child I've nurtured who calls me mommy. I play no victim here. A mother of three by three, with our different last names sounding like a variety of flavors---my children and I eat this journey up.
Listening to the judgments of men and fake friends---the laughing, family gossip, co-worker scrutiny, the whispers---this decade showed us something. If a person lacks the thinking capacity above their own fairy-tale mentality to see the beauty in you owning your shit---healing and happy as a mom---run fast. People will talk, but silence is the loudest. Soon, they'll realize that their own story is the one that's not OK---while we plan play dates.
Want to see more of my articles like this? Follow me on Instagram at @sweetsoulsasha.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Victoria Monét Opens Up About Feeling ‘Validated’ Months After VMAs Turned Her Down To Perform
Victoria Monét has had an incredible year. Thanks to the success of the widely popular “On My Mama” that went viral, the singer/ songwriter’s Jaguar II album debuted in the top 10 of Billboard’s Top R&B Albums chart. She also went on to headline her own sold-out tour. So, when the MTV VMAs happened in September, everyone was surprised to learn that Victoria’s team was told that it was “too early” for the “Smoke” artist to perform at the award show. However, a couple of months later, the mom of one received seven Grammy nominations, including “Best R&B Album” and “Record Of The Year.”
Victoria is currently in London and stopped by The Dotty Show on Apple Music and shared how she feels “validated” after being dismissed by the VMAs.
“It really does feel nice and validating because, in my head, the reason why I wanted to be a performer at the VMAs or award ceremonies like that is because I felt like I am at the place where I should. I would work really hard to put on the best show that I could, and I was excited to do so,” she said.
“And I guess the best way to describe it for me is like when you're like on a sports team, and the coach is like, ‘No, you gotta sit this one out.’ When they finally put you in, and then you score all these points, and it feels like that feeling. You're like, yes, I knew it wasn't tripping, but I knew I worked hard for this, and so it's been super validating to just have these accolades come after a moment like that, and I know the fans feel vindicated for me.
While her fans called the VMAs out on their decision, the “Moment” singer kept it cute and is still open to performing at the iconic award show. “I feel no ill towards them because it's just maybe that's just truly how they felt at the time, but I hope their mind has changed,” she admitted.
Aside from recognition from the Grammys, she has also received praise from legendary artists such as Janet Jackson, Kelly Rowland, and Usher.
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Feature image by Amy Sussman/WireImage for Parkwood