A surgeon and author by the name of Maxwell Maltz once came up with one of my absolute favorite quotes on self-esteem: “Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your handbrake on.” Indeed, how you see yourself, the way you speak about yourself (both to you as well as to others), the value that you put onto yourself, it all plays a very pivotal and relevant role in how you are able to move through this thing that we call life. And you know what else? Your level of self-esteem also has a way of impacting your health including when it comes to your vagina and vulva (the outer part of your vagina).
Geeze. When’s the last time that you heard that what and how you think about yourself can actually cause “her” to act — or act up — a certain way? And yet, as you’re about to see in just a bit, it’s very true. However, before I share with you how your self-worth and vaginal health work together — or against each other if you’re not careful — let’s unpack a bit more about what it means to have a healthy sense of self-esteem vs. signs that you could stand to do a bit more work in that department. For your overall sake and for the sake of your vagina’s too.
What Does It Mean to Have High Self-Esteem?
GiphySo, let’s come out swinging, just a bit, on this one. Although we live in a time where a lot of people come across as being extremely arrogant, that isn’t an indication that they have a high sense of self-esteem; in fact, oftentimes, it’s just the opposite. When it comes to cockiness and being pretentious, as I oftentimes say, “Arrogance is nothing more than low-self esteem throwing a temper tantrum.”
Okay, so what does a healthy level of self-esteem look and live like?
Confidence is a sign of high self-esteem. Taking accountability and responsibility for one’s actions is a sign of high self-esteem. Setting and upholding (that is key) clear boundaries for the sake of your mind, body, and spirit’s ability to thrive is a sign of high self-esteem. Having healthy relationships (and won’t that preach) is a sign of having high self-esteem. I like how one article that I read on the topic said that not settling for just a paycheck when it comes to choosing employment, not making self-destructive decisions, and choosing to build people up instead of tearing them down are also signs of having high self-esteem.
Know what else are clear signs? Prioritizing your physical health and also pampering yourself — and no, your vagina should not be exempt when it comes to both of these things. This is why it’s important to see your doctor if you recognize any abnormalities down below, that you perform vaginal self-exams on a consistent basis, and yes, that you treat “her” as a very vital part of your being…because “she” is exactly that. Doing these things significantly increases your chances of having a healthy vagina and vulva — just like low self-esteem can do the opposite.
Let’s keep going. So, on the flip side, how does low self-esteem present itself?
What Does It Mean to Have Low Self-Esteem?
GiphyPeople who don’t find themselves very worthy of much, they tend to display the following characteristics:
- They worry a lot
- They self-deprecate
- They lack good boundaries (or they let people talk them out of their boundaries)
- They go overboard when it comes to people-pleasing
- They don’t have much of a backbone (folks can easily sway them out of their standards and beliefs)
- They constantly compare themselves to others
- They regularly participate in negativity
- They lack self-control
- They are unforgiving when it comes to themselves and others (because they are highly critical)
- They don’t prioritize self-care
And doesn’t it make perfect sense that if you’re in this kind of head and heart space, your physical (and mental) health would suffer on some levels? Yeah, you might be surprised at just how much.
How Low Self-Esteem Impacts Your Health Overall
GiphyIf you’re constantly caught up in negativity, if you don’t have self-control and/or you allow people to talk you in and out of whatever, I’m sure you get how that can lead to toxic relationships, depression and anxiety and possibly even the abuse of substances (mental health stuff). Okay, but how does low self-esteem directly affect your physical health?
One way that it can rear its ugly head is by causing you to have an unhealthy relationship with food whether that’s developing some type of eating disorder or simply not feeding yourself things that are good for you. Another? Well, there are studies that indicate that negative people and those who don’t get adequate rest tend to have low self-esteem.
There is also plenty of data out in these streets that says people with low self-esteem tend to make far more unwise sex-related decisions than those with high self-esteem. You can read here and here about how there are direct ties between low self-esteem and obesity (even in medical students). Another thing that low self-esteem can do is put unnecessary stress and strain on your heart which can potentially lead to heart disease, heart attacks, and strokes.
Hell, there is even research that says that low self-esteem can trigger things in your system that will result in breakouts, excessive itching, and intensified symptoms of eczema and psoriasis. And yes, even when it comes to your vagina and vulva, low self-worth can certainly take its toll.
5 Ways Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Vaginal Health and Well-Being
GiphyNeed some convincing that low self-esteem can wreak absolute havoc on your genitalia? Here ya go.
1. Low self-esteem increases your cortisol levels. People with low self-esteem tend to be more stressed which can cause their cortisol levels to rise. When that happens, it can increase inflammation, throw off your vagina’s pH levels, and cause more bad bacteria to enter into your vagina — and all of this creates a perfect storm for becoming so much more vulnerable to vaginal infections.
2. Low self-esteem can lower your libido. The way that low self-esteem typically presents itself in the bedroom is it can cause you to have a negative body image and/or give you performance anxiety and/or make you put up walls with your partner and/or cause you to believe that you aren’t worthy of the kind of intimacy (physically and/or emotionally) that you desire. And all of this can cause your libido to tank.
3. Low self-esteem can lead to vaginal dryness. When your estrogen levels are off, that can do a number on your mental health. The interesting thing about that is stress can throw off your hormones in the first place and, as we already touched on, low self-esteem can be quite stressful. When you’re stressed, that can put your hormones on a roller coaster ride which can cause things like vaginal dryness. And your vagina and vulva are a lot less comfortable — both in the bed and out — if it’s constantly dry.
4. Low self-esteem can cause recurring yeast infections. If you seem to keep getting yeast infections, you definitely should see your doctor, just to make sure there isn’t an underlying health issue going on. However, also don’t underestimate that it could be that you need to give your self-esteem a boost. Yep, another interesting way that low self-worth can present itself is it can alter your gut and immunity, making it harder for your system to fight off things like yeast infections. Fascinating.
5. Low self-esteem may cause you to be hypercritical of your vagina/vulva. When you get a chance, please check out “Did You Know That There Are 10 Different Kinds Of Vaginas? Yep.” Since, again, low self-esteem can be pretty unforgiving, it’s not uncommon for women who battle with it to be very hard on how they look — including how their vulva (because you can’t exactly see your vagina) appears.
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One time, while talking with a client about the importance of having high self-esteem, we discussed some of the very things that I just mentioned. When she connected the potential for low self-esteem to it keeping her out of the mood for sex and her having an irritated vagina, interestingly enough, that was the inspiration that she needed to make some real lifestyle changes.
Whatever it takes, chile. If getting your vagina to feeling right is what will make you more intentional about loving on yourself — I mean, so long as the job gets done, one way or another…right?
A television producer by the name of Angela C. Santomero once said, “Self-love is necessary for a functional and successful life.” This includes adoring every single part of yourself. Vagina and vulva included.
Their health and well-being absolutely depend on it. Quite literally, sis.
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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