

Any time an engaged couple asks me what they could proactively stand to work on, as intently as possible, learning how to really listen to each other always comes up in the top five. I can't tell you how many miscommunications, knock-out-drag-outs and shoot, even a lack of emotional connecting can be avoided if two people simply purposed in their mind to get still, put a pause on potential distractions and really just listen to one another.
That's what we're going to touch on today. Whether you've been seeing someone for two months or 10 years, you can always improve the quality of your dynamic by making sure to listen to your partner as you encourage him to do the same.
Wait Until You Are Ready to Actually Listen
A number one cause of breakdowns in marriages is poor communication. And what's one of the biggest causes of poor communication? People who don't know how to listen. Listening is a heck of a lot more than just hearing someone. One definition of listen is "to pay attention". Another that I also really like is "to wait attentively for a sound".
If you're not prepared to give your partner your undivided attention and be patient as they are trying to articulate and express their thoughts, then you're not ready to fully listen to what they have to say.
Keeping these points in mind, one of the best ways to start listening better to your partner is to wait until you know when you will actually…listen to them. This is especially the case if they want to have a serious conversation with you.
And what if, for whatever the reason, you aren't exactly ready to listen? There is no need to be short, patronizing or rude. Simply think of when you know you can be more attentive; when you will be willing to do your best to understand what needs to be conveyed. A time when there are not as many distractions, you are not mentally preoccupied with lots of other things, and your energy is in a place that won't put them on the defensive (more on that in a moment). Try and figure out a time within 48 hours of their request. Trust me, the more open you are to listening (as they are to you), the much smoother your conversations will be able to go.
Practice the Golden Rule
Sometimes, when I'm in counseling sessions, I'll look at one of the spouses and be like, "Wow. No wonder your partner is almost out of the door." Their body language is foul. They are constantly talking over me and their spouse. All they really care about is how they feel about a certain person, place, thing or idea. Compromising is never really on the table. Coming to a place of peace, for both parties, is something they couldn't care less about. Oh, but when it's time for their needs to be addressed, all of what I just said goes completely out of the window. Suddenly, their spouse is to be totally different than they just were to them. You know what this kind of person is called, right? Yep. A HYPOCRITE. Pretty much all of us are familiar with the golden rule—do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When it comes to really and truly listening to your partner, is this a courtesy that you honestly can say that you extend to him? (Be honest now.)
Count to 5 (or 10) Before Responding
Oftentimes, whenever people read a tip like this one, they think it only applies to when they are pissed off or irritated. While it is a good idea to count to five or 10 when you feel that way (although what's actually better is to refer back to the first tip that I mentioned), I think that internally counting should be a practice in all conversations. I'm sure you've heard before that lots of people are more focused on getting out what they want to say next instead of hearing what someone is already saying. Well, this is definitely the cause of why a lot of couples don't feel heard—and therefore, respected—in their relationship.
The reality is, if all you care about is what you want and need to say, all this means is you simply want to get off a monologue with your partner serving as your audience. Not only is that counterproductive in communication but, real talk, it's pretty arrogant and insensitive too. Whether you feel triggered, whether you totally disagree with them, or even if it's that you simply have lots to say in response to what is being said, still take a moment to count, process and think about what the appropriate response should be.
Good communication is not a race to the finish. It's a tool that helps both people feel like some resolve has been obtained.
Get Off of the Defensive
Whew. I don't know if anything is more exhausting than someone who is defensive all of the time. I actually had to end a coaching relationship with a married couple because the wife was this kind of person. What's interesting about these types of folks is, they typically have so many walls up, that when you call them out on their stuff, they're so busy trying to defend themselves that they can't even see where you are coming from. So, what are some signs that point to how a defensive individual acts?
- They take everything personally
- They have no idea how to see the humor in things or how to laugh at themselves
- If it's not their way, it's wrong
- They're not happy unless they get the last word
- No matter how minor a topic of conversation might be, they want to "prove" their side of it
- They feel like their partner should apologize, even when they really didn't do anything wrong
- They can hold grudges for days
Didn't you get exhausted, just by reading this? That's because defensive people are UTTERLY EXHAUSTING. So much in fact that, if the defensive person doesn't pull back some, their partner may stop opening up and/or fully listening to them altogether. And when a relationship gets to this point and place, there's nowhere good that it can actually go. At least, not until the defensiveness and some real healing (from the wounds that come from dealing with a defensive individual) transpires. Defensive folks don't listen and oftentimes aren't really heard either. Do your very best to not be this kind of person.
Get Clarity in Question Form
If you truly want a discussion (especially if you sense that it is headed towards a disagreement) to be effective, something that I've found to be super-effective, both on the giving and receiving end, is presenting things in question form. Not only can it help both people to not get defensive but, when you ask a question, it mentally and emotionally positions you to wait for an answer. Plus, it oftentimes makes the person you're directing your question to feel more comfortable opening up and providing even more information about where they're coming from and how they're feeling.
Bottom line, a surefire sign of a good listener is someone who tries to gain as much clarity as possible, so that the conversation ends up being productive rather than 1) a waste of time or 2) something that made matters worse rather than better. If you're not used to communicating with questions, try it. So long as the approach is sincere and non-condescending (which is another Ted Talk for another time), it can make for a much smoother exchange between you and your partner.
Make Finding Resolution More Important than Being Right
A wise person once said, "Immature people always want to win an argument, even at the cost of the relationship." (Check out "How To Deal With A Partner Who's NEVER Wrong") In striving to listen to your partner better, it's important to always—and I do mean, always—ask yourself if you care more about being right or respecting them by validating their feelings and views. Another question to ponder is, when there is conflict, is working together to find a resolution your top priority?
I'm pretty sure you've heard the quote by author Stephen Covey that says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood", but did you know that is only a part of it? The ending is, "Seeking real understanding affirms the other person and what they have to say." Understanding someone is about comprehending what they are saying and, (what I really like) grasping why their thoughts are so significant to them. If you're someone who makes understanding a part of listening, I promise you that, not only will your partner feel respected (which is huge), they will want to share more with you. And, at the end of the day, that is what emotional safety and intimacy are truly all about.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'Black Girl Magic' Poet Mahogany L. Browne Talks Banned Books And The Power Of The Creative Pivot
You know you’re dealing with a truly talented and profound voice of a generation when the powers that be attempt to silence it. As a poet, educator, and cultural curator, Mahogany L. Browne has carved out a powerful space in the world of literature and beyond.
From penning the viral poem, “Black Girl Magic,” to writing Woke: A Young Poet’s Call To Justice (a book once banned from a Boston school library), to becoming the 2024 Paterson Poetry Prize winner and a poet-in-residence at Lincoln Center—her path exemplifies resilience, reinvention, and unapologetic artistry. She's published more than 40 works and paid the bills with her craft, a divine dream for many creatives seeking release, autonomy, and freedom in a tough economic climate.
A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
Inside Tiera Kennedy’s BET Awards Night: Hanifa Dress, DIY Glam & ‘Blackbiird’ Nomination
This is Tiera Kennedy’s world, and we’re just living in it.
An Alabama native taking country music by storm thanks to her features on Beyoncé s Cowboy Carter and her recently released debut, Rooted, Kennedy is much more than just a woman living out her wildest dreams; she embodies the role of all-American girl with ease.
“I think for me, an all-American girl, for some reason, brings me back to when I was younger, and just like playing at my grandma’s house and just being outside,” Kennedy told xoNecole ahead of her attendance at the 2025 BET Awards.
“I just feel like when I was younger, you know, you don’t have as many responsibilities. There’s not as much weighing you down, and so I kind of go back to that mindset. Like, even now, being 27, I’m trying to get back to that younger girl.”
The 2025 BET Awards, hosted by Kevin Hart, took place in Los Angeles at the Peacock Theater on Monday night (June 9). The star-studded event was filled with tons of surprises, including a trip down memory lane with a 106 & Park reunion, coupled with performances by artists that dominated the top spots during the music video countdown show’s reign from 2000 to 2014.
Kennedy, who received her first nomination alongside Tanner Adell, Brittney Spencer, Reyna Roberts, and Beyoncè in the BET Her category for “Blackbiird,” the reimagination of the original The Beatles of the same title (minus the extra i), invited xoNecole to get ready with her as she prepared for her first-ever BET Awards.
Beauty Rituals Inherited From Her Mother.
Rather than booking her makeup artist ahead of the big night, Kennedy decided to go on a budget and do the task herself, something that isn’t too out of her norm. She noted how she incorporates some of the things she witnessed her mother do while growing up in her routine.
“I remember being younger and seeing all the makeup laid out on my mom’s counter,” the “I Look Good In That Truck” singer recalled. “I don’t even think she knows this, but there were moments where I would like to go and steal her makeup. She would have Mac. I think it was some kind of foundation powder, and I would go in there and I would put it on, and I’m like I hope she doesn’t see.”
She added, “My mom is very natural with her makeup, so even though I’ve got these big lashes on, I always gravitate towards just neutral looks… I don’t do anything too fancy.”
Tiera Kennedy’s Holy Grail of Products.
Kennedy took it upon herself to take a class to ensure that she’s prepared for nights like these, where she’s the one responsible for bringing her glam look to life.
“We are independent,” she said, reminding us that she is no longer tied to a big machine when it comes to her work as an artist. “We ball on a budget. I have to do my makeup for award shows, events, all the things, and so my makeup artist that taught me how to do all of this, Hailee Clark, she put me on to Nars, the foundation. I don’t know exactly what the name of it is, but I love it.”
“I don’t know all the fancy technicals, but I know that it makes me just look kind of airbrushed, and so I love it. Then, I always use this Laura Mercier [setting] powder because I get real shiny, so I’ve gotta reapply that quite often.”
“We are independent. We ball on a budget. I have to do my makeup for award shows, events, all the things, and so my makeup artist that taught me how to do all of this, Hailee Clark, she put me on."
Her Decision To Wear Hanifa For The Big Night.
Intentionality is essential for Kennedy, which is why she jumped at the opportunity to support Black designer Anifa Mvuemba with a dress from her fashion brand, Hanifa.
“Takirra on my team helped me pick out the dress. I really like to represent in country music, and being in Nashville, I like to represent Black culture through the things that I wear, and I was excited to get to wear a Black brand to the BET Awards,” said Kennedy.
“She was telling me about this brand, Hanifa, and we were on FaceTime just scrolling through the website, and she was like this looks like you. This feels very rooted, like fits those natural tones, and so she bought the dress and was like, ‘This is what you’re wearing.’”
The look was a Raven Knit Dress in Eggplant/Dark Brown Mesh from Hanifa.
Tiera Kennedy in her younger years.
Courtesy
Kennedy also nurtured her inner child for the look, taking it back to her roots with one small detail in her hair that she had her mother carry out before she hopped on the flight to LA.
“I had this vision of wearing beads in my hair because when I was younger, my mom would always do that, and I didn’t love it, but now I’m like, it would be really beautiful to tie all of that together, and the Hanifa dress just fit perfectly.”
“Just even in the past couple of days, I’ve had to take a second, and just look back at all of the awesome things we’ve gotten to do,” said Kennedy when asked what baby Tiera is feeling in this moment.
“I had this vision of wearing beads in my hair, because when I was younger, my mom would always do that, and I didn’t love it, but now I’m like, it would be really beautiful to tie all of that together, and the Hanifa dress just fit perfectly.”
“I dreamed of having a record and having this team that was doing all of these things for me, and now, being an independent artist, and being in control of my career, I’ve gotten to build an awesome team behind me that helps me get to where I am. It’s been a lot of hard work, and I think when I was younger, I would have never imagined that I could do all of these things, and so, yeah, to be here, I don’t even think I would believe it.”
Although “Blackbiird” didn’t win in the BET Her category during Monday night’s show, Kennedy’s future is brighter than ever, which she attests to her faith playing a huge role in guiding her next steps as she continues to rise to stardom.
“Thinking about the next thing, I think that can be really daunting when you’re an independent artist. It’s like you have to be thinking of what’s coming next, to prepare for that, but I think the way that I like to walk through life in general is letting the Lord lead,” Kennedy said.
“I know that a lot of time when I have a vision of what I want things to look like in my head, He always exceed my expectations. So, I think the plan is to continue to release music, and continue to show up as my authentic self. Getting to have these moments like the BET Awards is so awesome, but also, at the same time, that’s not what I do this for. I do it for the humans that are listening to my music, that are [having] fun and healing through my music, so I hope that I can just continue to do that.”
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