"Were they even in a 'real' relationship?" You overhear your best girlfriends say as you grip the box of Kleenex with one hand and tub of ice cream in the other. You pretend not to hear them as you continue bawling your eyes out, wishing it didn't hurt so bad. No, you weren't in an official relationship, but it sure felt like it.
He was the one you called when you had good news or bad, you spent weekends, holidays, and ditch days from work with him. You shared some of your most intimate memories and confided in him things your best friend didn't even know about you! You never intended to get caught up or catch feelings for someone you weren't official with, but you did. When you finally realized your arrangement wasn't enough, it was too late and you were already too deep.
Fortunately, life will go on. These tips are sure to help you move on from Mr. Wrong.
1. Delete, Delete, Delete
Delete him from Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Whatsapp, and Twitter. Delete his number, delete his cousins, delete his friends, block him. Seeing his face everyday is not conducive to you moving on. You will constantly be reminded of the times you shared, or even worse, have to see him making memories with his newest love interest. Do you really want to put yourself through that heartache? He didn't see enough worth in you to make things official, so why should you hold onto him? You don't need him, so stop cyberstalking him and checking to see the last time he was on Whatsapp. Simply stop, delete, and block.
2. Stop Communicating With Him
Seriously, how many more times do you need him to tell you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship? One closure conversation is more than enough. Don't give him the satisfaction of even knowing he still crosses your mind. If it helps, change his number to "Don't answer." Block him if he's persistent. He had his chance with you, don't allow him to waste your time. You already know his feelings are not mutual. What more is there to know? Talking to him is only going to allow you to open yourself back up to him. Hang up the phone, delete the unsent text message, and let it go.
3. Talk to Your Honest Friends
We all have at least one friend who we know we can count on to always be honest with us. She is the friend who will tell you NOT to wear that dress, that you have lipstick on your teeth, and it's time to start hitting the gym. Though tact may not always be her forte, honesty is. She will let you know it's time to move on from the guy she warned you about from the beginning. She will remind you of all the things you told her you hated about him and why it's important for you to move on. Stay away from your sappy friends during this time. The hopeless romantics will only steer you in the wrong direction. Keep honest Betty in your corner; she is the one who will help you move on.
4. Get Moving
You should get into something that not only makes you look good, but feel good, too! Exercising creates endorphins, which make you happy. What better feeling is there than happiness? Exercising will also help you look and feel wonderful! Plus, you will be so exhausted from working out you won't even have time to think about him! Join a gym or buy some workout equipment for home. Just get those buns moving.
Have a friend work out with you so you can hold each other accountable. The more you workout, the better you will look and feel.
5. Get Out of the House
Girl, if you don't get off that couch! Staying home obsessing over what he said, what he didn't say, and why you are still single, is not going to change anything. Overthinking is not going to solve your problems. Of course it is important to have time to yourself, but every single weekend should not be dedicated to Netflix and pizza. Get moving. Go out with your girlfriends. Go on a date, get your nails done, just go! Being around people who love and appreciate you is the greatest gift you can give yourself right now. One guy should not be the end of your social life. Think back to the things you enjoyed doing before him. Do that, but make sure you do it outside of your house.
6. Set Goals
Now that you have plenty of time to yourself, why not set some goals you've been putting off. The great thing about being completely single is that it gives you time to reflect on things you need to do! You don't have to worry about how anyone else feels or what they are thinking. Your thoughts should be 100% on bettering YOU. Create a vision board of short- and long-term goals and write out a list of things you want to accomplish that you have been putting off. Every time you complete a goal, scratch it off your list, and add another one.
7. Try Something New
Have you ever been to the movies by yourself? Or even taken yourself to lunch? Have you been to the museum in your city? Have you ever traveled to a new city alone? Tried a cooking class perhaps? There are so many things that you have probably never even experienced that you've been dying to do. Write a list of things that you have always wanted to do. If it requires a little extra money, put money to the side and save up for it. Build a greater connection with yourself, become a little more cultured, find out what you enjoy doing! Spend time getting to know you!
8. Reflect
Ok, now it's time to do some reflecting! What in the heck went wrong? Did he let you know from the beginning he wasn't interested in a relationship? Did you not care at first and eventually grow feelings? Did you think you could change his mind? Usually, unless a guy is a complete charming psychopath, there are signs from the very beginning of how he really feels for you. Was he supportive of your dreams? Was he dependable? Did he show you off to his friends and family? Did he vow to one day make you his? Whatever it was that he did or did not do, it's time to move on.
Write a letter to yourself and one to him. In the letter to him, say all the things you ever wanted to say to him. In the letter to yourself, tell yourself that even though you made a mistake, you are still phenomenal. Write down all the things you love about you. Keep your letter to yourself, burn his.
Alternative: Seal his letter in an envelope and date it. When you open the letter years later, you'll remember how you felt. But, it's a good feeling to look back and realize that what you thought was meant for you, really wasn't. You are over it now and it's a lesson learned.
9. Break Bad Habits
Do you get the urge to see him every time you drink? Do you find yourself turning to that bottle of wine you keep for special occasions every time he crosses your mind? Put it down! Drinking can lead to a whole lot of emotions that you don't need right now. Instead of picking up a bottle of alcohol, how about doing something good for your body? Juice some fresh fruits and vegetables, drink a gallon of water, eat a salad. Then, go for a run or call a friend and tell them about your day. Or call honest Betty so she can set you straight.
10. Forgive Him
Maybe he led you on. Afterwards, he might have acted like the spawn of Satan himself. He might have made you feel pain you never thought you could. At the end of the day, you have to forgive him. If not for him, do it for yourself.
He might not even know you are upset. He's probably living his life without a care in the world while you sit at home throwing darts at his pictures. Despite how mad at him you may be, you are only hurting yourself. Forgive him and forgive yourself for staying in a situation that was going nowhere. When you allow yourself to release that anger, you will feel so much better.
11. Go on a Date
Reactivate that SoulSwipe or Tinder account. Ask your friends to set you up on a blind date, or let the guy who has been hounding you for months finally take you out! I'm not saying to get in a relationship or, God forbid, another situationship tomorrow, and definitely don't sleep with anyone, but go on a good old fashioned date. It's important to know that the guy you were dating is not the only man in the world and there are plenty of other men who are dying to spend some one-on-one time with you. Meet new people, create new experiences, and get your feet wet in the dating scene again. Dating is great for your ego and for your life. You might meet a few frogs or you might also meet prince charming, but one thing is for sure, you won't meet anyone sitting on the couch. Get back out there and date!
12. Create
Are you an artist in your own right? Channel all of that pent up energy and frustration you have towards your art! Pen a poem, write a song, paint a picture. Utilize your creative abilities to express your feelings. You might just be the next Taylor Swift or Jhene Aiko.
Though breakups of any kind can be painful, there is always a silver lining. Remember pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Wipe away that tear so it doesn't mess up your makeup, reapply your lipstick, light a candle, and move on honey! You are more than equipped to get past this situation.
Tell me, what's your method of choice to get over a situationship?
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter and Instagram also check out her website. www.ashleyreneepoet.com
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RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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