He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?
I basically got my start as a writer in the entertainment industry. I remember that one of the first rules I was taught is, while celebrities rarely remember the good articles that were published about them, they almost always remember the bad ones—all the way down to the person who penned it (a classic example of this is back in 2016 when Joe Budden flippantly dismissed a Complex writer while on Hot Ones and then in 2017, well, this happened—"Here's What Will Happen If You Write a Bad Article on Joe Budden..."). Keeping this in mind doesn't prevent me from being fair or honest when writing a piece, but it does (for the most part) keep me from providing commentary in a tone like I actually know celebrities personally; even when I speak with them directly.
Where am I going with this? I'm human. I'm also in media. So, just like a lot of the free world, I have my own opinion about a lot of things that make up celebrity culture. All of that stuff that went down with Omarion, Apryl Jones and Lil' Fizz last year is no exception. And yes, while Omarion did seem to display an impeccable amount of self-discipline when it came to choosing to respond rather than react to all that went down, as a marriage life coach, I also figured that there was a whole lot more to the story; things that could've caused Apryl to react rather than respond. And then came an interview that I recently checked out that featured Omarion. I'll share some of what he said. You tell me if it provided you with another piece of their complex and layered puzzle.
Ever Wonder What Omarion’s Take on Commitment Is? Here Ya Go.
While Omarion was on SWAY'S UNIVERSE discussing all things his life, I peeped something interesting that he said (at the 8:35 mark) when he was asked about how he feels about marriage.
"I'm unconventional and I don't really subscribe to the marriage business concept. It's not really beneficial for a person like me; to work hard and then split half with someone else…you can have yours, I can have mines and we can create something together. I'm definitely for that. Marriage is just, I don't know. The institution of it all, you know, going down to the court, it's the whole process. I've had to be in court before, and just to see the system not really support, you know umm, men, you know…in an equal type of sequence…down at the courthouse, it's literally two men who work there and then the rest of the staff is women."
OK, so let's pause here for a sec. Before you chalk up what he's saying to it being emotional or relational deflection, you might want to read where marriage licenses came from; it ain't a pretty picture (check out "The Ugly History of the Marriage License in America" and "Unlocking the Past: Marriage License History"). Plus, women do file for divorce most of the time. I once heard a guy (Preach from the podcast Aba & Preach) say that, "Marriage for men is, 'Aye girl, I bet you half my s—t that we're gonna stay together forever." But it wasn't what Omarion said there that, to me, was like a shot heard around the world when it comes to relationships (I'm merely providing that for context). It's this next part.
At the 11:45 mark, when someone on the show asked, "But monogamy? You rock with monogamy." (Monogamy means being married to one person; what she was referring to is exclusivity.) This is what he said.
"Well, elaborate. What do you mean by 'monogamy'?" (Sway clarified by stating, "Being committed to one woman sexually.") "Umm, I don't know. I don't know if I've been motivated or inspired to feel like I can be with one woman. I don't know if one woman has rocked my world like that…I am definitely a faithful person. I stand by my words and what I say I'm gonna do. But umm, that's a tricky question…I believe in it though, but I don't know if…"
Alright, y'all. What stood out to you about what he said there? For me, it was that no woman has rocked his world enough for him to try exclusivity or monogamy.
And hearing that caused me to literally say, "Wow" with an immediate follow-up of, "So, you can put two whole babies in someone but not be 'motivated' or 'inspired' enough to marry her?" Deep. Super deep. And if me, as a woman who has absolutely nothing to do with Omarion and Apryl's situation whatsoever, could feel a twist in my stomach while hearing that, I can only imagine what it must have been like for Apryl to actually live out that reality. Yeah…sometimes we don't know what causes someone to react; we just see them do it.
But this lil' write up isn't so much about Omarion and Apryl (because again, I don't know all of their story). It's just that, what came out of Omarion's own mouth, it actually served as a solid intro to this particular topic. I wonder how many hearts could be spared, time could be saved and delusions could be put to rest if more people didn't get into relationships assuming someone was on the same page as them (check out "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have")—or thinking that, just because a person cared about them or even "created something beautiful with them", marriage was inevitable.
Hmph. It also caused me to wonder how many men are out here appearing to be commitment-phobes when the reality is that, like Omarion, they haven't been "inspired" or "motivated" enough by a woman to actually settle down. Could a part of that be because we are doing so much of the work in the relationship and, while they love us for it, they see no reason to make a lifelong commitment? I mean, some of y'all might be triggered or even pissed by what Omarion said, but only he knows what would make him want to say, "I do" to someone. Clearly, the mother of his children—two children—wasn't it (which is something else that he mildly addressed in the interview as well). Now bookmark that as we go a little bit deeper.
Men Know When They Are Being Pressured into Marriage. And They Hate It.
A podcast that I've referenced on this platform before is Aba & Preach. In a semi-recent episode entitled, "These women want to PRESSURE men into marriage", they featured some clips from Steve Harvey's talk show where three female relationship experts where interacting with a couple. It was a Black couple that featured a woman who really wanted to be married and a man who was basically put on blast on national television for not putting a ring on it…yet. Peep Aba's hot take on it all (at the 5:05 mark).
"Look at how they are coercing this man into making a decision that he is not ready. If you're not happy with how long it is taking him, you can leave. That is your right. You don't have to wait. The same way when I'm trying to get it on with a girl and she says, 'I'd rather wait for sex', you know what I don't do? 'Come on, give it up. Throw that poon-poon at me. Yo, I'm owed that poon-poon; I've been here. It's been two dates.' No, if she wants to wait and I don't want to wait, you know what I do? I leave…It's unbelievable, the entitlement of some people. This is a lifelong commitment."
He's got a point. There's more.
"You didn't even take the time to listen to his reasoning because he talked about not having any positive role models…maybe the reason why he doesn't want to engage in marriage and building a family is because he is being patient, 'cause he's seen what happens when men rush into things, start families and walk out."
"It kills me, because marriage is a disadvantage to men. In case of a divorce, it's men who get shafted. Child custody, it's men who get shafted. Family court, it's men who get shafted. And when you think of all of this stuff, men have to propose 100 percent of the marriages, women propose 80 percent of the divorces, we lose most of the money and yet, you still feel like you're entitled to pressure us into a situation that puts us at risk. Think about that. Slow it down."
Whether we want to accept this or not, I know a lot of men who see marriage from this perspective. It's not that they are incapable of love or even commitment; it's that 1) they don't want to be pressured into marriage (would you want to be?) and 2) they are fully aware of the risks and they haven't experienced a good enough reason to take them. Like most things in life, when a man doesn't want to get married, it's not (usually) a black and white reason; there are layers to this thing.
Yet the reason why I'm sharing all of this with y'all is two-fold. One, it's to offer up some words, not from a woman's perspective or even a female self-help author's book—but straight from the mouths of men. Omarion said that he is not really into marriage and some of his points, while I don't personally subscribe, are not frivolous; they have some validity. And Aba & Preach?
Ladies, if you feel like humiliating or emasculating a man into marrying you is the only way to get him to do it, you are in the wrong relationship. You also don't "love him" as much as you might think you do. Force (or control or manipulation), in any direction, is the epitome of anti-love. Whether it's coming from a man or a woman.
Again, I counsel people quite a bit and, when it comes to single women who desire to be married, a lot of their energy is spent in trying to convince a guy that marriage is for him rather than actually asking about his thoughts, accepting his perspective and then deciding if that works for them or not. The latter is the way to go because, if the two examples that I provided did not reveal anything else, it's that a man can feel deeply for you and still not want to marry you. So, if that is indeed what is currently happening in your life, what should you do?
Three Things to Consider If Your Man Loves You but DOES NOT Want to Marry You
1. Don’t Automatically Assume That Love Equates to Marriage
Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about how friendships have levels. You know what else does? Love. There is a difference between dating and courting. There is also a difference between loving someone and being in love. And, there is a difference between a man who enjoys a woman's company and a man who is ready to make someone his wife (check out "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material").
There is actually a guy I know who has been dating the same woman for about six or seven years now. He's only seeing her, he cares for her deeply and says that he is only sleeping with her. Know what else? He has absolutely no intentions of ever marrying her. Not because of "her" but because he never wants to get married. Do I think that he's a jerk or wasting her time? No. Whenever she comes up, I simply have one question—"So, she knows that you are never going to marry her…right?" According to him, the answer is "yes" so…there you have it.
Would I do what she's doing? No. But that's because 1) I desire marriage someday and 2) I have been the girl who has given my all to a man, all the while thinking that I was investing in a marital future, only to realize that I absolutely was not because that is not what he had in mind (also check out "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife").
Still, I think there is a dysfunctional conditioning that comes with believing—or is it assuming?—that if a man loves you, marriage is inevitable. Or if a man loves you and doesn't want to get married, he never loved you at all. Yeah, that "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage" saying has a lot of us jacked in the head. Believing that romantic love can't—or even shouldn't—exist without marriage is about as dysfunctional as believing that there is something wrong if you get married and choose not to have children.
So, if your man reveals that he doesn't want to marry you, please don't automatically throw him into the "horrible guy who led you on" category or chalk what the two of you share up to being a farce. The love may be very real. It's just that you two are not on the same page about how it should manifest. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Honor Your Own Time
There are two men from my past who, I really should've ended things with them, way earlier than I did. One guy, I was "scared" to break things off because, although I wasn't in love with him, I was "scared" to start over. The other guy, he was a vacillator—one day, I was the one and he needed more time, the next day, he wasn't sure. So yeah, let me interject another point here. A guy who is ready for marriage…HE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE. There is no flip-flopping. There is no wishy-washy. There is no riding the fence. If he can't marry you immediately, it's only because he's got a viable plan and he is taking steps to get into position.
With that said, if you desire to be married and the man who loves you does not, you've got a decision to make—who do you love more? Him? Or yourself? And a part of what comes with self-love is honoring your time. Staying involved with those two guys took up a lot of my 20s and 30s—my prime baby-making years. I won't blame them for that because I chose to remain. But, if I could do things over again, I would've definitely honored my time more and better. I would've been more intentional about understanding that love isn't enough; not when you want love to manifest in a way that it's currently not.
If a man is vague, dragging his feet, doesn't know or, does know and you're just not accepting that his answer is "no", he doesn't want what you do. And to take on the mentality of "maybe he will one day" is dishonoring the precious moments that you won't get back. It really is best to release the relationship and continue preparing.
If he catches up to you someday, awesome. But if he doesn't, at least your heart will be free and open to someone who may be way ahead of him. Someone who, along with the Universe, has been waiting on you to let him…go.
3. Be a Wife…ONLY TO YOUR ACTUAL HUSBAND
Something that I tell my single male friends who claim to be unsure about marriage is, "I bet if we quit acting like we're already your wife without requiring that you marry us, you'd figure it out real quick." We're out here cooking meals, giving up the good-good, supporting men like they've already told God that they would have our back until death—then we wonder why they aren't considering marriage? For what? They've already got a wife in us without them having to do nearly as much in return. In our minds, we think that "overdoing it" is how we can "win them over" but, more times than not, that backfires. We really do need to pull back a bit—if not a ton.
The root word of relationship is "relate". Relating is about establishing a true connection. Pardon the pun but, for better or for worse, we as women have an uncanny knack for running waaaaaay ahead of men in relationships. That's a part of the reason why we're so devastated once we realize that who we love—and claims to love us—doesn't desire marriage or…doesn't desire to marry us. And that's why it's so important to practice reciprocity. Discuss with your partner what the two of you want, where the two of you are and what you're both willing to do or not do. Don't give your all—on any level—if he is not doing the same. In short, pace yourself. The only man who deserves your very best is the man who is willing to reciprocate that. And if, to you, your best is wifedom, don't be a wife to anyone who isn't your actual husband.
Do I believe a man can truly love a woman and never want to marry her? 100 percent. At the same time, do I think that a woman loves herself if she desires marriage and stays with a man who doesn't want what she does? Not as much or as well as she should. You deserve what you desire. Don't allow any kind of relationship or even a man's "level of love" to convince you of otherwise.
Otherwise, you could be out here married to someone who will never marry you. And that is no way to spend your time. All that will do is cause you to react than respond. Time's a tickin'. Choose wisely.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
We Asked 10 Men What Makes A Woman "Wife Material"
Sooo...Do You Want A Marriage? Or Just A Wedding?
Are You "Waiting On Your Boaz"? Make Sure You Know What That Means, Sis.
Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?
Feature image by Shutterstock
- Men Know When They Are Being Pressured into Marriage. And ... ›
- He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Celebs Who Never Wanted To Get Married - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Differences Between Marriage & Dating - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Men On How They Feel About Marriage Pressured - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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'Love Is Blind' Star AD Smith Shows Us That The Journey To Self-Worth Is Ongoing And She Shouldn't Be Criticized For It
This season of Love Is Blind was undeniably a rollercoaster ride of emotions. From intricate love triangles to deeply rooted attachment issues, it offered viewers a compelling glimpse into the complexities of modern relationships.
Yet, amidst the drama and romance, I think it serves as a poignant reminder of how we can possess a keen awareness of our relationship patterns; we can even find ourselves in therapy for years yet find ourselves repeatedly entangled in the same destructive cycles. Without the necessary tools and strategies to dismantle old habits and embrace healthier alternatives, we are destined to remain ensnared in a cycle of repetition and stagnation.
Amber Desiree “AD” Smith was left shocked and confused at the altar when her fiancé, Clay Gravesande, ultimately decided not to go through with the wedding ceremony. His actions throughout the season consistently indicated hesitancy towards commitment despite initially expressing readiness for a long-term relationship when he and AD first connected in the pods.
Throughout the season, Clay's journey revealed layers of immaturity stemming from childhood wounds caused by generational trauma, along with a clear unpreparedness for a healthy relationship. His relationship with AD began on shaky ground when he hesitated to commit without knowing her appearance first.
@netflix.reality.clips Clay and AD in the pods #clayloveisblind #ADloveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #libs6 #dating show
Despite AD's initial surprise, she decided to give Clay a chance, continuing their relationship. However, this initial compromise led to recurring issues, such as Clay's insensitive comments about potential weight gain and his insistence that AD join a gym if she were to gain weight in the future.
Despite these challenges, Clay and AD left the pods engaged with a road ahead of them of ongoing struggles in the real world. Clay and AD's relationship seemed shallow, mainly revolving around superficial interactions reminiscent of casual social media banter. Clay's fixation on physical appearance and fear of commitment clashed with AD's idealized vision of their relationship, blinding her from facing the reality of who Clay truly was.
Clay often centered conversations around himself, indicating a deep need for validation, which AD eagerly provided. From my point of view, this mutual reinforcement bolstered Clay's ego while fulfilling AD's need for validation in return.
Throughout season 6, Clay grappled with committing to a single partner, influenced by his upbringing witnessing his father's multiple relationships and extramarital affairs. The absence of healthy marriage examples shaped his perception of relationships. Despite these challenges, AD remained steadfast in her support, demonstrating a willingness to confront and overcome obstacles with Clay, given her upbringing in a household where her father was absent, an attachment wound that she has gained awareness about in therapy.
In the season finale, AD's excitement turned to confusion when Clay unexpectedly responded with "I don't" after her "I do." Clay's decision wasn't about AD's worth but stemmed from his own lack of emotional maturity and focus on superficial traits like physical appearance and achievement.
@stephmoneymonster Justice for AD #loveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #fpy #viralvideo #foryoupage #single #dating
Despite Clay's repeated expressions of self-doubt throughout the season, AD was visibly taken aback, holding onto the hope that he would change. AD's desire to be with Clay overshadowed her ability to discern if he was the right guy for her. Throughout the season, she found herself caught up in a fantasy of who she wanted Clay to be and the idea of being married to him. Clay's repeated statements about how AD made him a better man and how he wanted to change for her likely boosted her ego.
Many of us can relate to AD's struggle; grappling with feelings of unworthiness due to childhood trauma and abandonment often traps us in cycles that reinforce our deepest fears.
At the altar, AD was left devastated, questioning her worthiness and desirability. However, it’s not that AD isn’t worthy; she’s just stuck in a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, reminiscent of her father. Though she desires a different outcome, she finds herself unable to connect with a man who is emotionally present, reflecting her own emotional unavailability.
In our society, there's a common expectation for women to take on the role of nurturing and guiding men, often justified by the belief that “boys will be boys.” Like most women, AD frequently excuses Clay's behavior and does much of the emotional work in their relationship.
Deep down, AD likely felt the need to show unwavering support to Clay, hoping to secure his commitment by accommodating his flaws. For AD, love has become synonymous with earning someone's affection, a belief she reinforced by investing her heart in Clay, hoping to prove her worth to him. Yet, in doing so, she unwittingly perpetuated her own cycle of dysfunction.
AD's journey highlights the importance of being discerning in relationships, distinguishing between genuine compatibility, and settling for something less (the "right" from the "kinda sorta right"). Unfortunately, she lacked the tools to see Clay clearly, especially when dealing with her own attachment issues. Relying solely on physical attraction can be risky, as it often leads to repeating old patterns, with judgment clouded by the intensity of emotions.
Netflix Love Is Blind season 6 Clay and AD/ Screenshot
Engaging in inner work through therapy is undoubtedly a crucial step toward personal growth and healing, but it doesn’t fix us. It provides us with the opportunity to delve into our past traumas, confront deep-seated insecurities, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. However, despite the insights gained and the progress made within the therapeutic setting, applying this newfound self-awareness to real-life situations, especially in the realm of romantic relationships, can be challenging.
For someone like AD, the journey towards self-discovery is ongoing. I love the way Yung Pueblo puts it: “If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times.” While therapy equips her with valuable tools for introspection and self-reflection, it doesn't necessarily guarantee an immediate transformation in her dating behavior or decision-making process because she needs to grieve what she didn’t get from her father and create a new identity for herself.
One of the biggest reasons for this disparity between inner work and practical application lies in the complexity of human emotions and behavior.
Despite understanding the root causes of her attachment issues, AD found herself still drawn to partners who perpetuate these dynamics. This phenomenon often occurs because our emotional responses are deeply ingrained and may override rational thought processes, particularly when it pertains to matters of the heart.
'Love Is Blind' Season 6 Finale AD and Clay's Wedding/ Screenshot
Furthermore, the dynamics of therapy sessions differ vastly from real-life interactions and relationships. In therapy, individuals are in a controlled environment where they can explore their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. However, the unpredictability and vulnerability inherent in dating can trigger old wounds and defense mechanisms, making it challenging to maintain the same level of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Moreover, societal expectations and cultural norms can exert significant pressure on individuals like AD, influencing their perceptions of what constitutes a successful relationship. The desire for validation, societal approval, or the fear of being alone may cloud judgment and lead to compromising on core values or overlooking red flags.
So, how can we bridge the gap between inner work and practical application in our own dating lives?
Firstly, it's essential to acknowledge that growth is a gradual process and setbacks are inevitable. Instead of expecting instant results, we can practice self-compassion and patience while holding ourselves accountable.
Additionally, we can also work on slowing down, setting boundaries, and practicing assertiveness in our interactions with potential partners. Start getting to know people from the inside out. Not just by what they say but by what they do. These two things should always walk hand in hand.
By clearly communicating our needs and values and slowing down on physical intimacy, we can better discern whether a relationship aligns with our values.
Furthermore, seeking support from wise counsel (trusted friends and family), mentors, or even continuing therapy BEFORE things get too serious can provide us with additional perspectives and guidance as we navigate the dating landscape. Having a support network can offer reassurance and validation while also providing accountability in making healthy choices.
Lastly, by staying attuned to our emotions and paying attention to what our intuition is saying, we can make more informed decisions and avoid falling into familiar traps.
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Feature image Netflix Love Is Blind Season 6/ Screenshot