Ladies, becoming a mother is a wonderful thing.
While motherhood is something that has been a topic in our lives for as long as we can remember, the journey to motherhood can be a complicated one as many women are met with pregnancy loss or infertility. As a result, conceiving naturally is sometimes not an option for women who desire to start families. That is something that DJ, fitness influencer and founder of HBFIT, Hannah Bronfman knows very well. Although Hannah is now the mother of her first child, a son named Preston Miles Thomas Fallis, it wasn't without struggle.
To show women they aren't alone in their journey, earlier this year, Hannah, alongside her husband, Brendan Fallis, shared with the world their pregnancy journey and how they have overcome multiple obstacles along the way. After experiencing a miscarriage late last year, Hannah decided to look into different fertility options to increase her chances of having a viable pregnancy. She was ultimately able to get pregnant through a process called IVF (in vitro fertilization).
Courtesy of Hannah BronfmanPhoto Credit: Terence Connors
Since, Hannah has made it a mission of hers to show other women that we have options when it comes to creating life inside ourselves. With the reality of miscarriages and infertility diagnoses, Hannah is being honest about her experience with IVF and encouraging other women to learn more about what is available to them when it comes to starting a your own family.
In a recent conversation with xoNecole, Hannah was able to share that while the journey to motherhood can be tough, there is light at the end of whichever path you choose to take.
*This interview was conducted before Hannah gave birth to her son.
xoNecole: You and your husband have been very transparent about your journey to a successful pregnancy. What inspired the both of you to tell the story of your miscarriage and then your subsequent IVF journey?
Hannah Bronfman: For Brendan and I, after we miscarried, we spent 6-7 months trying to get pregnant through different ways. We tried naturally a few times, then we went to the next step called IUI. IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) is when they time your ovulation cycle and have your partner's sperm inserted in your uterus to be fertilized. When that did not take, we both decided that we should try IVF. It honestly was good timing for us as well because we weren't traveling for that month, so we were able to prioritize the process.
For those of us who are unfamiliar with IVF, can you break down what it looked like for you physically?
The IVF process definitely takes time. My IVF process was 11 days total. You have to go into the doctor's office every morning for monitoring and you have to take shots every day. I think it's important to note that everyone is different in how you react to the hormones that you are injecting.
For me, it was super mild. I did feel bloated after the first couple of days, but other than that I felt fine. I am someone who doesn't have crazy mood swings or feeling fatigued around the time I have my period. So since I am pretty even-keeled in general, I didn't have major reactions to the hormones. For others who may be more susceptible to symptoms of PMS, they have a higher chance to have bigger reactions to the hormones when doing IVF.
Pregnancy loss is difficult for any woman and is something that unfortunately a lot of us experience, as someone who is very tapped into their body and wellness, what were some practices that you gravitated towards as a means to heal after loss?
It's crazy how fragmented our society is around reproductive rights and health. Because the pregnancy journey is such a complicated thing. All we are told is that you don't want to get pregnant when you're a teenager, so you get on birth control. Then all these complications happen when you're an adult and you think to yourself I wanted to get pregnant years ago. So when it comes to healing after a miscarriage and dealing with the stress of trying to get pregnant month after month, a few things have helped me.
I have done meditation, acupuncture, and EMDR therapy tapping. The EMDR is when you tap yourself in certain areas while reciting positive narratives. When you do that, the nervous system starts to input the positive affirmations and output the negative ones. I think it's important to feel all of your feelings when grieving. It is so important to release instead of trying to hold it all together. It feels so good to cry and we should lean into that a little more as opposed to acting like we are super humans without emotions. Super-women should lean into embracing their emotions.
Did the process strengthen and/or test your marriage?
I honestly feel so blessed to have a partner who has been by my side every single day. I think everything that we have been through has brought us so much closer. I know it's hard for people who don't have a partner to take on the stress with you and it can be a struggle for relationships. Even for the partners who are really meant to be together and have the strongest of foundations, are tested.
"I think it's important to feel all of your feelings when grieving. It is so important to release instead of trying to hold it all together. It feels so good to cry and we should lean into that a little more as opposed to acting like we are super humans without emotions. Super-women should lean into embracing their emotions."
Courtesy of Hannah Bronfman
Photo Credit: Terence Connors
As a Black woman, why do you think that this type of visibility about IVF is important?
Well I think it's important to normalize IVF for all women, regardless of race or age. Some things I would hear would be, "Oh, you're so young, you'll be fine." But I think we are seeing more fertility complications with millennial women. As a woman of color, I want people to understand that yes, this can be an expensive option, but the one thing that I noticed when I would be in the waiting room was the diversity of women. I think sometimes we talk about these expensive healthcare means for women who are white, but at the end of the day, women of color have access as well. We definitely need to talk about it more, so I hope a story like mine gives people hope in knowing there are possibilities out there.
As a first-time mom during such unprecedented times, what has your self-care routine looked like since the pandemic?
I have been loving bath time while being pregnant. This baby really knows when I am in the water. It is so relaxing and so grounding. Having the moment away from social media and soaking up time just for myself is definitely a priority, while it still can be.
"I think we are seeing more fertility complications with millennial women. As a woman of color, I want people to understand that yes, this can be an expensive option, but the one thing that I noticed when I would be in the waiting room was the diversity of women... We definitely need to talk about it more, so I hope a story like mine gives people hope in knowing there are possibilities out there."
Courtesy of Hannah Bronfman
Photo Credit: Terence Connors
What are some things that you are learning about yourself during pregnancy?
I have learned that I'm a Type A person. I like to have control over a lot of different aspects of my life. I felt that way through the IVF process and I had a plan. But being pregnant during a pandemic has thrown all of that out the window. With that, I have been really embracing going with the flow. For the first time in my life, I am at a place where whatever happens, I am cool with the pivot.
How did you manage to balance your health with your career while pregnant during the pandemic?
Work life has never been crazier. It's all good things, so I feel lucky as a content creator. At the beginning of the year, some brands didn't know what to do or what was going to happen. The attention that black creators got, especially around the BLM movement, I feel we have benefited from that in a healthy and positive way. I actually ended up launching a product, which is a CBD bath bomb. This product is something that is helping people relax, decompress, and release stress. Let me tell you, we are also in an anxiety pandemic and so I know people really benefit from it. I was nervous about launching a product honestly during the pandemic, but the launch of the product couldn't have been more timely.
Courtesy of Hannah Bronfman
What is one main thing about the IVF process that a lot of women should know about?
To be transparent, this doesn't work for everyone. It's important to know that because you could go through it once and have to go through it again. I really do believe that if you put positive energy into what you're doing, you will have a better result than if you put your negativity into it. For example, I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and she is going through her first IVF cycle. When she first started, I told her I was so excited for her and she replied, "Excited is not the word." (Laughs)
I say "excited" because it's one step closer to the outcome that you want. When you think about it, it's two weeks of your life that, yeah kind of sucks, but for the best outcome you could ever imagine. I will admit that at first it was hard for me to accept that IVF was going to be a part of my journey. But once I accepted that this was my path, I gave it my all. It's key to stay positive.
For more of Hannah, follow her on Instagram. If you are interested in learning more about the right questions to ask when choosing your IVF plan, feel free to check out Hannah Bronfman's IG Live chat with Dr. Ghadir.
Featured image courtesy of Hannah Bronfman
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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