Summer is about to be reckless AF. I foresee people acting as if they have never been outside before. With that said, I'm ducking and dodging because I'm not a messy bish. And I don't like messy situations. I am never one to create some mess or be in some mess either. But these dudes will surely have you in some shit you never wanted to be in if you let them. I wish men would understand the more transparent they are about how they're moving in these streets, they're less inclined to get caught up. And they would be more inclined to get the box without the drama.
Let's be real, they would be less likely to waste a woman's time by stating what it is and what the fuck it's not. But instead, these dudes want to roll the dice and end up hurting multiple women in the process. And I'm the type that doesn't need to feel like I'm being courted or wined and dined if I am just keeping it casual with someone.
A few months ago, I was caught up in some type of entanglement and I didn't even know it. I had met this guy who I thought was dope AF. Those words don't come out of my mouth too often. It takes a lot for me to say someone is dope, let alone for someone to keep my attention. I'm a Sagittarius – I'm attracted to highly unique people because "average" just doesn't do it for me. I feel deeply, and there is so much depth to my waters. And if I allow my softness to be seen, it says a lot about how I hold you. I had a good time with the guy I had met.
I looked forward to seeing him again too. But if I had known what his situation was, I would have moved so differently. I wasn't given the option to choose what I wanted to do because dudes stay fumbling their words when asked the question, "Are you seeing anyone"? or "Are you dating anyone right now?" In the end, I was disappointed, and he went about his business leaving me to question the connection I thought we had with no explanation. But I have come to understand the universe puts people in your life for a reason and removes them with reason too.
After I took the time to process my feelings about what had happened, he fumbled, not me. How things played out was disheartening, but it probably saved me from a situationship I was not meant to be a part of. I have to thank the universe for that and the lessons that came with it.
As this pandemic slowly comes to an end, we're outside, and we're ready to play. Here are nine rules to casual dating every woman should know this summer.
1.Be Honest About Your Dating Status
Animated GIFGiphyWhat men (and some women) don't realize is that by not being straight up from the get-go about their dating status, they fuck up the whole damn play. By the time they say what it is, it's too late. Someone already catches feelings, or someone gets hurt. Save yourself the drama and be transparent about your dating status. Let homeboy know you're dating openly or seeing different people. And if he tells you he's dating other people, you need to be OK with it.
If you can't be OK with it, casual dating isn't for you. And if he doesn't state what his dating status is, always assume he's dating other women.
In my dating experience, I have had only two guys respect me enough to be direct about what they wanted with me. And I have always appreciated them for letting me decide if I wanted to be involved with them or not. I am still really good friends with one of the two guys today. That's the homie for life.
2.Ask The Right Questions
Some men don't like when women ask "too many questions," but one thing about me is I'm going to ask your business. Especially, if you fail to be transparent with me. Because it's my feelings and my vagina on the line. And I hate finding out things later. It's my number one pet peeve. The issue is women aren't asking men the right questions when it comes to casual dating or casual sex at all. I used to be this way, but after recent events, not no more. Don't just ask if homeboy is dating someone. Nah, bruh.
Ask questions like, "Is there anyone that would be hurt, if they saw us together?", "Is there anyone that perceives they are in a relationship with you? Watch his body language. Listen to see if he gives you a vague answer. If he fumbles his words or avoids the question, take that as your answer. If he can't give you a simple yes, no, or explain his situation, there it is. We're grown, there is no need for mixed messages. Until a man makes it clear he wants to be exclusive with you, please unapologetically do you. There are to be no fucks given. And you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you move in these streets.
3.Know What You Want
Sis, you can't be out in these streets if you don't know what you want. This is where it can get messy too. You can end up hurting yourself by looking for something in someone who isn't going to give it to you. You have to move consciously by knowing what you want. Are you out here just trying to meet new people? Are you just wanting to have fun? Are you just wanting good sex? Are you dating with intention? Are you looking for a partner? Are you dating to marry?
Figure out what it is you want in the season that you are in and unapologetically go after it. In my situation, he and I were cool. We knew we were energetically connected. After being so closed off for so long, I was open to seeing what kind of connection we had. In the words of Kehlani, "It was good until it wasn't good." But I guess I was meant to experience him in the way that I did. I have no regrets. My heart is full of gold and my love is pure magic.
4.Don’t Forget About Boundaries
After you figure out what you want, don't forget about setting boundaries. Don't be afraid to do this. There is a fine line between just being cool with homeboy and getting too personal with him. Create boundaries for yourself, so you don't catch feelings or get attached.
You're not his sounding board, confidant, or therapist. And don't think you're special because he chooses to tell you all his personal issues. Sis, you are not fixing anyone this summer. You are out here to experience and live.
Boundaries in casual dating or casual sex can look like limiting how often you speak to each other or how often you see each other. It could also look like engaging in only surface-level conversations and not asking each other too many personal questions too. So, if the question doesn't concern what y'all have established, don't ask. Save yourself the headache and the heartache.
5.Clear Out Your Baggage
If you're still emotionally attached to an old relationship or haven't healed from a past lover, you don't need to be outside. I'm sorry sis. But I am speaking from my own experience. What you need to do is get all the way uncomfortable with yourself and process your feelings. This is the only way you will be able to heal and be able to move forward with your life. I'm not saying you can't be in these streets, just don't go adding a man to the mix.
Do all the things that make you happy this summer. Explore all the things you are in the season you are in. But don't think moving on to the next guy who catches your attention will heal you. It won't. This is called avoidance. Your unhealed relationship trauma will still be there after he leaves. And will continue to linger and carry over to your next relationship until you choose yourself.
6.Self-Awareness and Emotional Development
I Am Enough Self Awareness GIF by OWN: Oprah Winfrey NetworkGiphyConsciousness is key. If you're still struggling with self-awareness and achieving emotional stability, then the streets are not for you. One thing you need to understand in casual dating is that how a man behaves is a reflection of him, not you. You cannot take everything he does personally. But you can learn to control your reaction to his behavior. For example, ghosting and inconsistency. When this happens, don't give him a pass, just keep it moving.
Women also need to pay attention to their own patterns and behaviors. We need to be able to emotionally check ourselves by understanding our own reactions in our dating life.
For example, some of us constantly get in our feelings when a date cancels or things don't go as planned. I mean, why waste good energy by being upset? If this happens to you quite often in your dating life, where you have no control over your emotions, shift to focusing on more self-work and less dating.
7.Have An Exit Strategy
basketball wives goodbye GIF by VH1GiphyStay away from toxic situations at all costs. I know the dick might be amazing, and he might come across as amazing, but no dick is worth toxic energy in your life. You have to remember sex is an energy exchange. Any human interaction is an energy exchange and can create internal chaos in the body and manifest as disorder in your life. Trust me, you don't want that. Don't be afraid to cut him off at the first sign of toxic behavior.
When I say toxic, I mean the first sign of disrespect, narcissism, and abuse of any form. Feel free to block homeboy too if he is acting out of pocket. I almost fell victim to a situation like this too. Homeboy was fine AF, and there were a few red flags. But I thought to myself he would be fun to chill with. Thankfully, my homegirl snatched me up real quick. She saved me from a situation that I didn't need to be in. She knew that's not what I wanted or deserved.
8.Understand That STDs Are Real
Safe sex is great sex. I don't know which hip-hop artist wrote this lyric, but I'm here for it. Don't trust every man's penis to be a clean one. Most men don't care about their health, let alone their sexual health until they have a reason too. These men are brave out in these streets. And since most men aren't upfront about their dating situation, don't think you're the only one he's having sex with or spending time with either.
Nowadays, no one is truly single anymore. We got all kinds of situations going on. Protect yourself by practicing safe sex.
If this means that you and he both get tested before you engage in any sexual acts, do it. If that means you have to create some kind of agreement or understanding between each other, do that too. We value well-protected vaginas over here. But also, be upfront if you're having sex with multiple partners too. And you have the right to ask him about his sexual partners too because again, it's your vagina. As awkward or uncomfortable as these conversations are, they still need to be had.
I say all these things so you can protect your heart out in these streets. Watch for the red flags and the yellow flags too. Energy doesn't lie, you'll know if something is off. Don't let these men play you. Don't let yourself be caught up in some mess you're not supposed to be in. Don't let these dudes dictate how you move in these streets either. And at any rate, always choose yourself first.
As for me, I'm going to keep glowing and keep moving. Summer is mine. I've taken the time to heal, and it's time for me to live my best life. All I want to do is create endless memories. I want to pour into life the way life has poured into me. I'm going to stay outside and do my thing. But I mean it when I tell these men don't bother me if they're with the shit. Because if he fumbles me, there is no me coming back.
You see the material. It's my energy, aura, and my spirit.
Sis, I'm living this summer. Are you?
Featured image by Dean Mitchell/Getty Images
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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