It's a weird title, right? I thought so too when I first read a study that was published on Women's Health's site. Could it be that guys are actually out here sexually satisfying their partner with it (somewhat) being based on the fact that they are assuming that she isn't interested in doing it? How is that even possible? Based on a lot of the sessions that I have with married couples, when one partner assumes that the other isn't interested, that tends to result in a couple of hours of more sleep not extra orgasms. Still, there is some scientific data to back up the claim. If you stick around for a sec, I'll break it down as best as I can.
Here’s How Making (Sexual) Assumptions Is Resulting in More Satisfying Sex
First, let me start off by saying this study was based on 48 heterosexual couples who were in long-term relationships. Off top, two things about the study that stood out was the fact that 1) a lot of the men who participated totally underestimated how much their partner wanted to have sex and 2) they also assumed that when they didn't want to, their partner didn't either (hmph. Some of those fellas need to read articles like "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This."). These two points alone reaffirm why it's so important for couples to verbally communicate their sexual needs, wants and expectations; preferably in that order (check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight."). In this case, the pun is totally intended when I say that closed mouths don't get fed.
However, the study revealed more than that. For 21 days, each couple had to fill out a 10-minute survey every night. Four things that the survey asked was how horny each person was, how sexually satisfied they were, how much they thought their partner wanted to engage in sex, and how often they actually had sex with their partner.
Now here's where it gets interesting. The researchers who conducted the study discovered that the guys who basically sucked at gauging when their wife or girlfriend wasn't in the mood were the same men whose ladies professed to have a really satisfying sex life (and life overall) with their husband or boyfriend. How weird is that?
Actually, it's not very, if you stop to really think about what's going on behind the scenes (or, in this case, underneath the sheets). Why would it be that a man who assumes that his lady doesn't want to have sex with him would end up with a woman who is truly satisfied with her sex life? The speculation is two-fold. First, if he's underestimating his partner's libido (or the timing of when she wants to have sex), that could increase the chances of him extending seduction and foreplay because, if he knew for sure that she wanted to get it on and in, he might not "try so hard" to "warm things up". Secondly, if his partner does happen to not have as high of a sex drive, because he assumes that she's not interested most of the time, she's more willing to oblige because she's not constantly being hounded to have sex all of the time. Interesting.
Why This Kind of Data Should Never Be Misconstrued or Manipulated
Although I like to share information, simply for sharing's sake (knowledge is power, right?), I do want to make sure that putting this kind of stuff out here is used for good and not for evil. What I mean by that is, I personally know some women who will read this and be like, "OK, so if I only want to have sex once a month and I don't act like I'm even in the mood then, the foreplay will get better, plus I won't have to do it as much." Yeah, naw. That's actually how assuming can totally backfire in another direction. While every couple is different, many studies reveal that happy couples who have a healthy relationship engage in coitus about once a week. That's not once a month but four times.
Personally, I don't care if the guy is 20 or 50, I don't know any man who is cool with only having sex once a month (if he's physically able to have it). Shoot, even once a week is probably more of a pacifier than anything else, but that's not my bottom line point.
Whether you and yours do it every day or only on special occasions, a rule of thumb that should be put in place for you both is assumptions nor manipulation should be brought into the bedroom—or any room of the house for that matter. Whoever has the higher libido (for the record, I know plenty of women who would be down to have sex daily as well) needs to voice that so they can come to some sort of compromise with their partner. Whoever needs more or better foreplay? They need to state that as well. Delaying how often sex happens, in hopes that your partner will be so "grateful" that they'll do whatever you want them to? That isn't a good foundation for true intimacy. Again, communication is.
Hmph. Most of us grew up hearing that assuming can make total asses out of us. Sexual assumptions are no exception. If you'd like your sex life to improve—whether it's based on frequency or foreplay—maybe start off by forwarding this along to your partner. If nothing else, it will probably get a conversation going about what you're (both) currently getting vs. what you're (both) currently desiring. Because, when it comes to true sexual satisfaction, it only counts when both people feel like they are truly fulfilled. Not only one or the other or one more than the other. Amen? Amen.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
How To Get In The Mood When You're Not Feeling It
Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP
Apparently, There's A 'Six-Minute Rule' That Can Give You The Best Sex Ever
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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