There are two reasons why every human should be thankful for pubic hair. For one thing (and this is especially the case for women), although they say that a little extra weight in the genitalia region provides more “cushion for the pushin,’” that actually applies to pubic hair too; the reason why is it helps to make the friction that comes with intercourse a more comfortable experience. Another reason to appreciate pubic hair? It can decrease the chances of infections being transmitted, including STIs/STDs.
To me, both of these provide enough just cause to want to share additional information on pubic hair, just as much as I possibly can. And while in the past, I’ve tackled things like, “Here Are The Pros And Cons About Different Types Of Pubic Hair Maintenance,” “Pubic Hair Turning White? It Could Mean More Than Just Aging.,” and “Yep. Pubic Hair Has Trends (And Specific Needs) Too.,” today I’m going to get into some things that you may have randomly questioned about your vulva’s hair that you didn’t know who (or how) to ask about.
Are you ready to learn more about pubic hair than you’ve possibly ever known before? Here ya go.
1. Pubic Hair Is Darker than the Hair on Your Head
It’s pretty common for pubic hair to be darker than the hair that is on your head. One reason is because its cuticle layers are thicker. Another is because the melanin that is in the hair follicles that are on your head is less than the melanin that is in the hair follicles that are around your genitalia. Then, once your hair follicles start to die off and less melanin is produced, your pubic hair starts to turn white or gray. It’s pretty common for you to see your first gray pubic hair in your 30s or 40s, by the way.
2. Pubic Hair Can Only Grow but So Long
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you never trimmed your pubic hair, for most people, not much. And by that, I mean that pubes tend to stop growing somewhere between ½”-1 ½ “; that’s because its growth cycle phase is much shorter than the one on your head.
3. Pubic Hair Makes Sex Feel More Comfortable
Here’s an interesting way to look at pubic hair — some health experts refer to it being a form a dry lubricant because it’s so much easier for hairs to rub against each other than skin. And when you’re having sex with someone, you definitely want the movements to be as effortless and comfortable as possible. So yes, if you’ve heard somewhere that pubic hair reduces friction during intercourse, that’s not a myth; that is absolutely correct.
4. Pubic Hair and Pheromones Work Hand in Hand
Since pubic hair is thicker, that explains why it tends to be a different texture from the hair that is on your head as well. And the curliness of it? That can actually work in your favor…at least as far as bedroom activities are concerned. That’s because some health experts believe that the curls of pubic hair make it easier for them to trap the kind of pheromones that make you more (sexually) appealing to your partner.
And since many men tend to really enjoy the natural scent of a healthy woman’s vagina while a man’s pheromones help to put women in a better mood while making her hornier in the process — well, those both sound like good reasons to keep at least a little curly hair going on down there.
5. A Good Amount of People Remove Hair Before Sex (Especially Oral Sex)
Several years back, while I was in a session with a married couple, the wife mentioned that she was glad that she was finally receiving cunnilingus more often. What the husband immediately said in response, I must admit, it tickled me: “Well, that’s what tends to happen over here when the jungle turns into a golf course.” He’s not alone in feeling that way, either, because studies reveal that most people are likely to receive more oral sex when they groom regularly, down below.
What I find to be interesting is what that actually looks like based on gender. While a whopping 73 percent of men prefer that there is no (pubic) hair on a woman, only 56 percent of women prefer that to be the case (personally, I am not one of them; I just need things to be well-manicured). Something that didn’t surprise me is the fact that young people seem to be more caught up in all of this than older people are. That tracks.
6. Shaving Is Most Preferred. Waxing Isn’t As Popular As You Might Think.
Several years back, a study on pubic hair was conducted at the University of California-San Francisco. A little over 3,300 women between the ages of 18-65 were asked about their pubic hair maintenance practices, and 62 percent said that they either shaved or waxed off all of their pubic hair, while 22 percent trimmed, and only 16 percent did nothing. Their findings also revealed that going completely bald was most popular among white, college-educated women.
Meanwhile, a similar study was conducted at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Texas. It featured almost 1,700 women between the ages of 18-40. What they shared is that 77 percent preferred to remove pubic hair by shaving it off, while only 16 percent waxed, which is kind of a trip when you think about how popular the Brazilian wax continues to be. Hmph.
7. Pubic Hair Can Intensify Clitoral Stimulation
If you’ve ever attempted plucking a pubic hair (maybe because one is ingrown or something), you already know how uncomfortable that is. That’s because each pubic hair follicle is attached to a nerve, and that is what makes this point make so much sense.
Yet one more reason why you might want to keep some pubic hair around is if your partner gently pulls or tugs on the ones that are on your pubic mound, that could actually intensify how stimulated your clitoris becomes. Try it. You just might like it.
8. Pubic Hair Needs an Exfoliant and Conditioner
As for me personally, when it comes to self-care and maintenance for my skin, two things that I try to get a few times a year is a back facial and a vajacial (which I agree with one author who said that it should actually be called a vulvacial since the treatment focuses on the outer part of the vagina). The back is because, even though I adore my African Net Sponges, since I can’t actually see all of my back, I like having an esthetician thoroughly tend to it. And my vajacials — well, not only does it pamper my vulvar skin that is waxed, it can also soften my pubic hair and remove/prevent any ingrown hairs and hyperpigmentation that may be going on in that space.
That said, if you want to treat your vulvar skin yourself, use some exfoliating gloves to exfoliate that area and then apply some conditioner to your pubic hair in order to soften it up a bit. As far as the gloves go, apply gentle pressure and rub in circular motions. Also, if you recently had a wax appointment, wait 48 hours before exfoliating, so that you don’t irritate that part of your body. Conditioner-wise, a regular conditioner is fine; just make sure to avoid having it get inside of your labia or into your vagina as much as possible, so that the ingredients of the conditioner don't irritate it.
9. Apparently, a Hot Trend Is Full Bushes in Bikinis Right Now
It’s your hair, so do with it what you will. That said, though, I must admit that I did “pause and ponder” when I recently read that a pubic hair trend right now is rocking full bushes while in a bikini. Honestly, that leaves me with so many questions that I’m just gonna say that if you’re — pardon the pun — big on trends, that’s what’s hot with pubes, so…go with God on this one. LOL.
10. Pubic Hair Thins with Age
A hormone that’s produced at an accelerated rate during puberty is something that is known as androgens. Although males produce them more, we have them as well, and a part of what they do is help our bodies to produce pubic hair. Anyway, as we age (especially once we’re post-menopause), our bodies tend to produce fewer androgens, which can result in thinning pubic hair and even pubic hair loss. After menopause, this will start to become more obvious.
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If you already knew about all of this, I’m impressed. Do me a solid and spread the word to others.
Something that never ceases to amaze me about the human body is that all of its parts serve super relevant and necessary purposes.
As you can see, pubic hair is not exempt. Not at all.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
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An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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