While I was in the midst of an interview about 10 things that life has taught me in review, one thing that I said, off the bat, was balance is so important. And if there’s definitely an instance where this applies, on every level imaginable, it’s when it comes to alcohol consumption.
I’m hoping it goes without saying that it absolutely should be consumed in moderation (the CDC says that two or less a day for men and one or less a day for women should be the goal); at the same time, though, there are some health benefits that come with having a glass of your favorite “spirit”. For instance, did you know that alcohol can help tokeep heart disease down?Not only that, but red wine can help to keep your brain cells healthy, vodka soda can help you to reach your weight goals, and champagne is filled with antioxidants.
So since alcohol has been proven to “do a body good” on some levels since the weather is warming up, and I know that some of y’all are gonna get your drink on fa ‘sho, I thought I’d share some cocktails (and mocktails) that also contain ingredients that will benefit your va-jay-jay. Because if you’re gonna be turning it up a bit — my two cents would be to make it totally worth your (and her) while, chile.
1. Vodka Cranberry Cocktail
Getty Images
Three ingredients that stand out in this recipe that are good for your vagina are cranberry juice, orange juice, and vodka.Cranberries are good for you because they have tannins in them that can help to prevent the bacteria that create UTIs (urinary tract infections) from forming.Orange juice is beneficial because citrus fruit, in general, helps tokeep your vagina’s pH balance where it needs to be; plus, it contains antioxidants that help to keep your immune system up which helps to keep yeast infections at bay. And sincesome studies reveal that vodka is great at reducing stress and stress can also be attributed to vaginal infections — you see why I had to lead with this particular cocktail…right? Just make sure that your juices have as little sugar in them as possible — if you want to get as many health benefits from them as you can, that is.
2. Lavender Blueberry Bees Knees
Before we get into the ingredients of this particular drink, let me just say that I’ve had lavender ice cream and popsicles before, and they both tasted pretty darn good. So, if you’re someone who thinks that this recipe sounds hella weird, my two cents would be to give it a shot (no pun intended) first.
For this cocktail, all of the ingredients are vagina-friendly, from the blueberry gin and lemon juice to the lavender and honey syrups. Like vodka, gin also helps to decrease stress. Blueberries contain antioxidants that help to reduce oxidative stress; this is good to know since that type of stress can do a number on both your sex drive as well as your fertility. We already touched on what citrus fruits can do. Lavender is considered to be a healing agent and muscle relaxant; it also helps to reduce inflammation (if your vagina is experiencing some of that). And honey? Honey has phytoestrogens in it that can strengthen your reproductive health. Honey also contains properties that can help to reduce vaginal dryness.
Get the Lavender Blueberry Bees Knees recipeHERE.3. Watermelon Strawberry Mocktail
Getty Images
Let’s get into a couple ofmocktails, starting with one that has watermelon and strawberries in it. You know, aside from the fact that mocktails are an awesome alternative for the non-drinker, if you’re looking to keep the calories from alcohol out of your diet, that’s another cool reason to consume them.
When it comes to this recipe and how it helps your vagina out, the watermelons, strawberries, and limes (yep, there are only three ingredients here) all do it.Watermelon is a solid source of hydration and antioxidants that can help to keep your vagina healthy and well-moisturized. It’s also another fruit that reduces oxidative stress.Another cool thing about watermelon is it can help to increase blood flow, including to your genitalia — and that could ultimately meanmore intensified orgasms (yay!). The high amount ofVitamin C in strawberries can help to prevent vaginal infections, andsome studies say that lime juice helps to increase sexual excitement. Cheers!
Get the Watermelon Strawberry Mocktail recipeHERE.4. Avocado Mocktail
You might not have considered an avocado mocktail before; however, just like a lavender popsicle is pretty good, an avocado one (at least, in my opinion) is actually pretty bomb — so, why not give this alcohol-free drink a try? The avocados, kiwi, coconut water, mint, and lime juice will all do your vagina a lot of good, trust me.Avocados are awesome because they contain fats that will work to keep your vaginal walls strong and naturally lubricated.Word on the street is avocados also have properties in them that will help your system produce certain sex hormones.
Kiwi is in the next drink, so I’ll get to that in a sec.Coconut water is a good source of potassium; that’s good to know becausepotassium is a nutrient that keeps your cells healthy and it also helps to keep vaginal dryness from becoming too much of an issue. Coconut water is also loaded with antioxidants and can help to keep your blood sugar levels down (which could keep yeast infections from returning since yeast thrives on sugar).Mint has antibacterial properties in them that can help to keep your vagina smelling fresh. As life would have it, mint can also help to balance your vagina’s pH. And you already know what lime/citrus is able to do.
Get the Avocado Mocktail recipeHERE.
5. Fresh Kiwi Caipirinha
Getty Images
If you’ve never heard of Caipirinha, it’s the national drink of Brazil, and it only contains three ingredients: lime, sugar, and cachaça (cachaça is a distilled liquor that is made from pure sugar cane juice). Clearly, since kiwi is brought into the mix here, this recipe is a variation of the traditional alcoholic beverage. And yes, I had to shout out kiwis because they are high in vitamins C and K, and K helps to significantly reduce the risk of contracting an HPV infection. Kiwi is also cool because it has plant compounds that could help to create an estrogen-like effect that could ultimately be beneficial for perimenopausal and menopausal women (since estrogen levels fluctuate and then drop during those seasons of a woman's life).
Get the Fresh Kiwi Caipirinha recipeHERE.
6. Designated Appletini Mocktail
If you really like apples, why not try an apple-based mocktail? This recipe is very simple to follow and has two ingredients that your vagina will be thrilled about: apples and lemon juice. You know about the citrus, so let’s focus on the apples. For starters,apples contain polyphenols that help to increase blood flow down to your vaginal region (and you know what that means, right?More orgasms!).Some studies even reveal that “an apple a day” can literally help to increase the pleasure of sex for young women. So, one of these appletinis? Yeah…get — well, make — you one.
Get the Designated Appletini Mocktail recipeHERE.
7. Pineapple Chili Margarita
Getty Images
There’s nothing like a fresh margarita on a warm day and one that has pineapples, lime, and tequila in it while making your vagina very happy. Although it should go on record that it’s more ofa well-traveled and longstanding myth than anything that pineapples can drastically change the taste or scent of your vagina (check out “10 Ways To Have An 'Extra Sweet' Vagina”),what pineapples can do is fend off vaginal inflammation and keep your vaginal tissues in good shape.Some experts say that it can keep the healthy bacteria that’s inside of your vagina thriving as well. Lime has been covered, andtequila? It can help to reduce pain and inflammation, boost immunity and improve iron levels; that last one is a winner if you’re someone who hasthe kind of period that damn near takes you out (because the stronger your iron levels are, the easier your cycle will be on the fatigue tip)!
Get the Pineapple Chili Margarita recipeHERE.
8. Dark Chocolate Malted Martinis
If you want to treat yourself to an alcoholic drink that is truly decadent, this is the one. As far as your vagina goes, dark chocolate, vodka, and vanilla extract are the winners here.Dark chocolate is not only full of antioxidants, it also increases blood flow throughout your body and can help to prevent UV damage to your skin if you’ve got some vacation sex on the docket in the upcoming weeks or months. By the way, since dark chocolate can help to stimulate the production of“feel good” hormones like dopamine and serotonin, if you’ve heard that dark chocolate is an aphrodisiac, in many ways, that would be true.When it comes to vodka, something else that it can do is help to boost your sexual self-confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem”) and,believe it or not, vanilla extract is full of antioxidants and anti-inflammatory agents. Yeah, your va-jay-jay definitely needs all-a-dat.
Get the Dark Chocolate Malted Martinis recipeHERE.
9. Citrus and Honey Mocktail
Getty Images
Something that we already touched on earlier was citrus and honey, so when I saw a cocktail that combined them both, it definitely had to go on here. Since this recipe also contains fresh sage, let me drop two more things about citrus and honey and then that.Citrus is also good for your vagina because it contains fiber that helps to eliminate waste along with collagen that helps to keep your vagina looking (and feeling) youthful (check out “Keep Your Vagina Like A (Literal) Fountain Of Youth” and “Vaginas Age Just Like Everything Else. You Can Slow It Down, Though.”). Honey is also good for your vagina becausethe flavonoids and polyphenols in them can play a role inpreventing vaginal atrophy. Some people rely onthe properties of sage to help to kill the candida that causes yeast infections; plus, it can help tobring relief to perimenopausal and menopausal symptoms. Oh, I also saw agave syrup in the recipe; it can help your vagina out becauseit’s a good source of various vitamins and minerals.
Get the Citrus and Honey Mocktail recipeHERE.
10. Joaquín Simó's Pearls Before Swine (A Yogurt Cocktail)
Never heard of a yogurt cocktail before? Yep, they do indeed exist. I’m gonna close this out with this one because I thought the name was cool (Matthew 7:6). That said, gin, lemon juice, and Greek yogurt (which is yogurt that has the whey removed from it) are the vagina-friendly ingredients for this drink. You know about the first two, so let’s discuss the yogurt part.The probiotics and Vitamin B12 that’s in Greek yogurt make this such a wonderful drink for your vagina.
Probiotics help to keep “good bacteria” from being overtaken by the bad kind that’s in your vagina; more good means less risk for a yeast infection.Vitamin B12 helps toput you in a good mood, gives you more energy, and keeps your vaginal/cervical mucus in good condition (which is really good to know if you’re currently in the process of trying to conceive). So, if you’ve got a get-together with your girlfriends coming up, introduce them to a yogurt cocktail. It just might become their — and their vaginas’ — new favorite thing. Enjoy!
Get the Joaquín Simó's Pearls Before Swine recipeHERE.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
So…apparently, there was once a Parade survey of 1,001 married Americans concerning sex.
Surprisingly (at least, to me), 88 percent of them said that their sex lives made them happy or they were at least “reasonably content” with it. The reason why that surprises me is because 1) I’m aware that somewhere around 15 percent of marriages are currently sexless; 2) only about half of people have sex on a weekly basis, and 3) if that many folks are indeed that satisfied in the bedroom, why do so many of us who work with long-term couples always hear otherwise?
Then, I paused and pondered on the “reasonably content” part. I don’t know about you, but to me, that doesn’t sound like hanging-off-of-the-chandeliers kind of sex. That’s more like, “I’ll take it however and whenever I can get it” sex — and, in my eyes, that’s just not good enough. To me, sex is a beautifully wondrous thing that should reach the peak of pleasure as much as possible.
Fortunately, I do know a few couples who profess to have great (awesome, fabulous, and tremendous) sex pretty much every time that they have it. Even though most of them aren’t familiar with each other, interestingly enough, they all agree that while skill and technique play a role in amazing coitus, there are other factors that can prevent great sex from transpiring, too.
I did some researching, interviewing, and reviewing of past sessions that I’ve had with couples, and here are the 10 things that continue to come up, as far as being barriers to the kind of sex that every single person deserves — sex that doesn’t just leave you feeling “reasonably content” (goodness, let’s raise that bar, please).
1. You’re Not the Best of Friends
GiphyBefore getting into this one, let me just say that I’m not referring to a “friends with benefits” dynamic. Although some of those do end up transitioning from being sex buddies to a full-blown relationship, some studies say that only about 15 percent of them do, and that’s not the greatest odds on the planet (for the record, around 28 percent are able to go back to being just friends as well).
No, what I’m referring to here is it’s wise to experience physical intimacy with someone who has the qualities of being one of your absolute closest friends: they’re honest, supportive, compassionate, loyal, communicate well, and they definitely are someone who you consider to be a safe space. When you’re in a relationship with someone who you also consider to be one of your dearest (if not dearest) friends, there is an incomparable level of trust and peace that makes intimacy that much easier — and special.
2. You Need to Get a Check-Up
GiphyIf you were to ask a group of people if they should get an annual check-up, they would probably say “yes.” Hmph, problem is, only about one-fifth of us actually do it, and when it comes to our libidos, that can be (potentially) problematic as hell. The reason why I say that is sometimes “not being in the mood” has very little to do with anything emotional, psychological, or relational; it’s actually a result of not taking the best care of your health.
Things like obesity, hormonal imbalances (including perimenopause and menopause), certain medications, stress, and good old-fashioned aging can be the underlying culprits, and if that is indeed the issue, as much as you might think that Google can cure everything, you actually need a medical professional to confirm what is going on — and what you need to do in order to rectify the situation.
3. You’re Not Affirming and Affectionate on a Daily Basis
GiphyQuestion: When was the last time that you gave your partner a sincere compliment? Believe it or not, there are studies that support the fact that complimenting others not only boosts their self-esteem and confidence levels but it also creates an atmosphere for clearer communication while motivating and causing the individual on the receiving end to feel valued. Not only that, but the person who gives the compliments ends up feeling happier and more grateful, too.
As far as affection goes, aside from the fact that it helps you to feel emotionally closer to your partner, there are health benefits to consider as well. Kissing, cuddling, and even holding hands can help to decrease stress levels, lower blood pressure, and even strengthen your immune system. The way I like to look at this is affirmations are a verbal form of foreplay, while affection is a PG version of it — and when it comes to experiencing great sex, foreplay should always be in the mix.
4. You Don’t Plan Dates (and Then Actually Go on Them)
GiphyI’ve got a girlfriend who’s been married for several decades and hardly ever gets taken out on dates by her husband. In his mind, it’s kind of a waste of money; he’d rather be a “great provider” than a romantic kind of dude. Problem is, her top love language is quality time, and so, not dating frustrates her more than most. You know what, though? Their story isn’t rare. In fact, some studies indicate that over half of the married couples in this country never go out on dates. SMDH.
There are dozens of reasons why this is not a good idea as far as “divorce-proofing” your marriage goes; however, since this article is about sex, specifically, quality time strengthens emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy improves the quality of one’s sex life. So, if you’re in a long-term relationship, your sex life is ho-hum, and you can’t remember the last time you and your partner actually went out together — perhaps it’s time to connect those dots.
5. Your Relationship Is Not Your Top Priority
GiphyIf I had to choose one main issue that keeps me in business (as far as marriage life coaching is concerned), it’s that one or both spouses in a marriage “forget” (I put that in quotes because sometimes they literally forget and sometimes it’s more of a passive-aggressive choice) to make their partner their very top priority (under God, that is). When it comes to this particular topic, a priority is defined as being “the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence” and when you say “I do” to someone, that is a part of what you are publicly declaring — that they are going to take precedence over everyone else in your world.
And what are some indications that your partner is your top priority? You are proactive rather than reactive when it comes to their needs. You are quick to want to resolve problems while being slow to create them. You consistently want them to feel heard, validated, and safe. You make them aware that they are a part of both your short and long-term plans. Empathy is a foundational part of the relationship. And honey, when two people do this for each other outside of the bedroom, how can there not be fireworks inside of it? Straight up.
6. Your Kids Are Taking Over
GiphyI always find it interesting whenever people get triggered by my saying that children should never come before marriage. For one thing, the marriage existed first. Secondly, kids aren’t adults; they don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to find balance in their needs or demands; adults need to be the ones to regulate both. And third, have you read how divorce affects/impacts kids even well into their adulthood?
At the end of the day, children want happy parents and there’s a greater chance that will happen when husbands and wives put their relationship first. Unfortunately, even with all of the data that supports my points, a lot of people still let their kids take over their entire lives — including their bedroom and that can lead to, not only a “less than” sex life but a completely ruined one, if you’re not careful.
That’s why I think it’s important for parents to read articles like HuffPost’s “We Decided To Tell Our Kids When We’re Having Sex. Here’s Why — And What Happened After.” and also ones that I’ve penned for the platform like, “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “How To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kids” and even “10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery.” The takeaway here is kids are to be a part of your life — not all of it.
7. The Chemistry Is Off
GiphyChemistry is an interesting thing because, although it is pretty necessary when it comes to having a fulfilling sex life, science is still trying to figure out just how to narrow it down. According to a particular article that I read, a featured sex therapist said that sexual chemistry is a combination of attraction, hormones, and even a combination of pleasant memories and/or nostalgia. Another article said that the level of brain chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine that naturally arise when we’re around certain people (vs. others) cannot be underestimated either.
To me, when it comes to (sexual) chemistry, I think my biggest takeaway is if there is something that you can’t really fake, that would be it, and so, while you shouldn’t rely on chemistry alone when it comes to cultivating a healthy and long-lasting relationship, if, after about three dates or so, there is no “spark,” don’t play that down. Sex is an essential part of a committed relationship, which means that chemistry, on some level, absolutely needs to be present and accounted for.
8. There Is Sexual Frustration
GiphyWhenever I hear someone say, “I’m not angry; I’m frustrated,” I always appreciate that level of self-awareness because being frustrated isn’t about being resentful so much as it’s about being disappointed — and sexual disappointment can happen in a billion different ways. Maybe the quality of sex has decreased. Perhaps you’re not having as much sex as you would like. Could it be that you want more spontaneity or romance, and your partner rarely, if ever, seems to rise to the occasion? Or shoot, maybe your sexual wants and needs have changed, and your partner doesn’t want to make the necessary adjustments.
A part of the reason why I’ve penned articles for the platform like “7 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Giving Them Some” and “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.” is because the only way that you can ensure that your partner is truly satisfied as far as sex goes is if you ask. When it comes to great sex, there is no room for ego, assumptions, or taking the “if it always worked, it still should” approach. People who move like that? One way or another, they are going to disappoint their bae as far as sexual satisfaction goes (whether their bae actually tells them that or just…fakes through it instead).
9. Or Sexual Repression
GiphyOn the heels of the last point, one of the reasons why sex is considered to be an ultimate form of communication is that when it’s good — and I mean, really, really good — all five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, and sound) are involved (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”). Another reason is that when you can trust your partner to share your deepest sexual desires and perhaps even a sex-themed bucket list or entries from your sex journal, that can open the door to all types of sexual pleasure…and close the door to what’s known as sexual repression.
Probably the easiest way to define sexual repression is it’s what happens whenever you’re holding back feelings and longings as far as sex is concerned. There are several things that can cause this to transpire. It could be fear of rejection, suppressed childhood or religion-related issues, guilt or shame surrounding certain sex acts, or even physical pain during sex.
For instance, I know a wife who was raped in college and never told her husband. For years, they had sex-related issues because it’s almost as if she was stoic during the act, which led him to not find sex enjoyable at all because he felt like he was unwanted. I also know a wife who, because she is a first lady (you know, a pastor’s wife), has suppressed a lot of her sexual fantasies because she’s afraid that her husband will find them to be “inappropriate.”
In both of these instances, a sex therapist could do a lot of good (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”) because they are professionally trained to deal with all levels of sexual repression — something that is very real, even if it’s not openly discussed very often.
10. Orgasms Consume You
GiphyDo you need to experience orgasms in order to have good sex? No. You don’t. Can it be magnificent whenever you experience them, though? Of course. That said, when it comes to having great sex, although orgasms are literally defined as being the peak of sexual arousal, it is important to take the pressure off of both you and your partner. Contrary to whatever you’ve heard (or told yourself), sex can be pleasurable whether you reach a climax or not, together or not.
However, if you want to have more orgasms, don’t make them the goal so much as heightening your intimacy, taking your time, relishing in each other’s erogenous zones, doing some dirty talking, and being in the moment. When you’re “great” at these things, one way or another, great sex — and possibly a few orgasms along the way — is sure to follow. #wink
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy