
After what felt like the longest January ever, we've finally entered the short month of February with a bang!
We open the month still under the beams of a potent and dramatic Lunar Eclipse in Leo that lights up our leadership and creativity, while reminding us of our desire to stand out in the Aquarian crowd. February is a much calmer experience after the last two months of shifting planets, but we still have a potent Solar Eclipse (think of it like a super-charged New Moon) right after Valentine's Day that will have us thinking about the hopes and wishes we want to see grow in the future.
We may receive insight about what needs to be released so that we can stand up in our Leonine leadership and light up the collective Aquarian sky with our individual gifts. Mars in upbeat, enthusiastic Sagittarius will provide us with just enough fire to keep working through our Saturn in Capricorn projects, while the planets dance from socially active Aquarius into spiritual and dreamy Pisces. Spend time with friends and get involved in like-minded organizations during the first half of the month while we're in Aquarius. After that, take Pisces season as an opportunity to unplug from the matrix to defrag your inner workings before spring.
Find your sign's horoscope by clicking through the slideshow gallery below:
Aries

March 21 to April 19
If January felt like a battering from all the work that suddenly found its way onto your plate, Aries, February will give you a moment to catch your breath. The workload is still there, but you'll be given a chance to have some fun with friends and also get so much needed solo time.
Love/Sex:
With the Eclipses lighting up your sector of Romance, Creativity, as well as the House of Wishes & Friendships, there's some fated meetings in the cards for you this month. Pay attention to whom you meet when out enjoying yourself, as new friendships can easily lead to relationships. A word of advice would be not to try to make anything be anything other than it is. Practice the art of vulnerability and openness, Aries. Everyone knows you naturally kick ass, but do they know you have a heart worth loving up on as well?
Career:
Think about infusing more imagination and creativity into your work. Working hard doesn't have to mean working uninspired. Part of being a trendsetter is being brave enough to do something never seen before. Take the first half of the month to draw Inspiration from your friends who may share your vision. You may find yourself extra fired up about your life philosophy. if you've been itching to restart a spiritual practice, this would be an excellent time to start. You can use welcomed downtime alone to reconnect with your inner voice. Come Spring, this will pay dividends, energizing your work with the bright ideas you come up with this month..
Health:
Me Time is part of your prescription for the Month, and after the Solar Eclipse on the 15th, you may want to go inside your personal bunker until your birthday next month. Consider this the dream time that happens before one breaks out of a seedling shell. Meditation, visioning, dream journaling, or even a spiritual retreat would be super helpful. Once your soul feels sufficiently recharged and settled, you'll be ready to bust onto the scene for your Solar return!
Taurus

April 20 to May 20
What you're seeing around you is just the beginning of what's to come, Taurus. If it feels like all the major areas of your life are being turned on their head, it's because they are - and so are you! Believe it or not, change can be a good thing, and February is going to gently warm you up to the idea.
Love/Sex:
Redownload those dating apps, Taurus! Jupiter has been in your 7th House of Relationships since the Fall and all he wants to do is give you more, more, more! So if you're single, this would be a great time to swipe right more than left, or even just go out more with friends. Chances are high that you'll come across a few someones worth your time. Just try not to be too reckless. Mars in Sagittarius may urge you to leap before you look in matters of intimacy and bonding. No one is cute enough to share your ATM pin number with, let's not get carried away!
Career:
You may not see the fruit yet, Taurus, but know that fresh vibrant seeds are being planted in your House of Career and Reputation. However, before anything can grow, there's some cleaning up to be done. The Eclipses are going off in this House for you, so don't be surprised if you find yourself having to let go of a position or role because it no longer fits your life. Things may get a little funky going down the road as you figure yourself out. Just remember: it's out with the old, and in with the new you. Keep breathing, this isn't even your final form!
Health:
The majority of your health concerns stem from having too much on your plate this month, Taurus. Longer hours at work + a busier social calendar means less rest and a potentially lower immune system. That just means pay closer attention to maintaining equilibrium. Be sure you plan for unscheduled downtime to balance all your hard work.
Gemini

May 21 to June 20
Perhaps you did a bit too much bonding with others while we had that crowded House in Capricorn over most of January. In response, February may have you desiring some much needed space to gain some perspective and clarity about what actually feels comfortable when sharing your world with others. If long distance travel has been on your mind, February may bless you with an opportunity to get those wheels up
Love/Sex:
Mars, the planet of Action and Drive, is going to be kicking up a fuss in your relationship sector. Sometimes, our partners and lovers can become our enemies. Watch your mouth, Gemini, especially around the 28th where you may be speaking a bit too directly, leading to hurt feelings or straight up yelling matches.
Before it gets to that point, try channeling pent up energy into any activities you can do with a partner. Mars in Sagittarius loves a bit of travel and spontaneous adventure, so consider a trip away and saying "yes" to unexpected, unplanned day trips to stay in good spirits.
Career:
You may be given a chance to show off some of your lesser known talents this month. The Eclipses have been urging you to take a look at learning new outlooks and philosophies, so why not show off what you've gathered so far? Eventually, you may be in a position to share your acquired knowledge as an expert, so let's get some practice in now. Bring your unique imagination and insatiable curiosity to the table. Great things will follow.
Health:
Over-extending yourself to be of service to others can easily become a health issue if you're not careful, Gemini. Yes, you love people and they usually adore you as well, but too much of a good thing can quickly turn bad. It's okay to turn off your phone and set some boundaries with the people you care about. Pencil in some quiet time into your daily schedule early, it will pay off when you'll need the extra energy to pour into your work.
Cancer

June 21 to July 22
You may be seeking a vacation after the heaviness of the last month and, who knows, maybe you'll suddenly receive some extra money to take a quick break while the skies are still relatively peaceful. Dedicate this month to enthusiastically tying up loose ends that may be making your day-to-day difficult.
Love/Sex:
February could turn out to be a steamy month, if you're not too shy. Between Jupiter expanding upon your romantic possibilities and the Eclipses going off in your House of Intimacy and Bonding, you could be doing more than cuddling if you play your cards right. The trick is to be open and vulnerable, Cancer. Relationships are more than just contracted agreements, they're meant to deepen and replenish your emotional wellspring by exposing you to the good, the bad and the crazy. Go deep into the abyss, Brave Crabs!
Career:
You can probably feel the change in the air around your Career already, Cancer. After years of unexpected twists and turns, highs and lows, you're so looking forward to some stability in your work life. Get ahead of the curve by planning out some steps you'd like to take to climb up ambition staircase. You could see increased self-confidence with the Eclipse lighting up your Money and Values for the year. Take a calculated risk on some creative projects you've been tinkering with, and you may see positive results.
Health:
It's time to get up and go, Cancer. Mars is banging around your House of Heath and Daily Routine giving you a fiery dose of energy and enthusiasm to work through your to-do list. You may want to double check your progress, Mars in Sagittarius isn't known for dotting his I's or crossing his T's while he's burning through his list of things to do. In terms of activity, you may want to consider taking up a group sport with some friends to keep you feeling active.
Leo

July 23 to August 22
We're back again with more wild Eclipses to shake up your life, Leo! Exciting, right!? We open up February after a beautiful Blood Moon that will hopefully leave you feeling energized and self-confident. Dip your toe into a little bit of fun this month and see how it goes. After surviving January, Leo, you're game to show off a little.
Love/Sex:
February may promise lots of fun, Leo. Mars in Sagittarius is a real risk-taker and he's running about in your domain of Romance, Creativity and Children, demanding that you be more playful and adventurous! Spontaneity and optimism are the key to your heart this month, so try to go out and have a good time. Hit up that karaoke bar, say "yes" to blind dates or invites to hang out one-on-one with friends. If you're already in a committed relationship, this month would be an ideal time to show off your romantic side. The Solar Eclipse right after Valentine's Day will sow new seeds in your relationship sector. Perhaps, it time to remind everyone why it's such an honor to be in the company of royalty.
Career:
If you've been feeling some nagging dissatisfaction around your Career and Role in the world, Leo, that's right on schedule, but don't feel too much pressure to address it this month. Instead, fix your attention on building strong daily routines that will set you up to tackle whatever shifts may be on the way.
You may want to draw some inspiration from whatever it is you really enjoy with others this month, to give yourself clues on how you want your career and reputation to shift.
Money:
Keep your head on straight about your money this month. You may feel a bit fanciful about just how far your money can stretch, or you may be expecting money to appear that takes longer than expected. You can avoid most of this stress by just being fabulous on a budget. Show off just how much you can do with a little for now.
Virgo

August 23 to September 22
February is a fairly busy month for you, Virgo, but most of your activity will be around the home and tending to your daily needs. Remember your long-term work (thanks to Saturn in Capricorn) is about cultivating your individual creative self. Whatever you've been quietly working on will begin to feel more like second nature this month as you begin to incorporate more of your creativity into your day-to-day in clever and unusual ways. Later in the month, you may want to consider partnering with others to test drive what you've come up with so far.
Love/Sex:
February has a lovely energy for meeting people when the planets shift into Pisces. If you find yourself being courted, just say "yes." You could use a bit of fantasy (just watch out for liars and charlatans) but don't let your partners do all the work. You know how to love up on people well because you pay attention to the details most people miss. Turn romance into a fun project to see just how imaginative you can be when you put your heart and soul into it.
Career:
There could be some reshuffling in your day-to-day work activities coming up, Virgo. The Eclipses are going to be draining out any routines that could be counter-intuitive to you creating more success. Another possibility is looking at volunteering more energy to causes you enjoy, especially if related to being of service to the well-being of others. Humanitarian endeavors are especially highlighted for you this month. The world could definitely use a helpful hand from one of the hardest workers of the zodiac.
Health:
The Solar Eclipse on the 15th of the month lands inside your Health and Daily Routine sector Virgo. Consider planting new intentions about your overall health, mind, body and spirit. What are some activities or daily routines you can let go of so that new more exciting routines can take their place? Part of staying young at heart and sharp is being willing to embrace the unorthodox.
Libra

September 23 to October 22
You should be starting to see some of the fruit of your labor coming forth this month, Libra, but it's mainly for your eyes only. All the extra time spent at home doing repairs and renovations has ignited a desire to dabble in other creative endeavours. Indulge in some playtime of the solo and group variety to see how it feels. The Eclipses are bringing you new like-minded friends to inspire you to get back into your finger paints or running scales or whatever brings you joy.
Love/Sex:
Your Romance and Creativity sector gets a flood of energy this month. On the Solar Eclipse, you'll be clearing out old worn-out patterns surrounding your ability to play, create, and indulge in unexpected crushes turned lovers. When you're invited out with friends say "yes," it's time to leave the house more as we head towards spring. Whatever you learn during your jam band sessions with new loves will create more deep-rooted security that you'll use to springboard off of in the future.
Career:
Taking care of home and hearth and what nourishes you has allowed you to look at your career and reputation from a new vantage point. If you've been feeling dissatisfied, know that change is coming in down the line but for now, focus on bringing some ingenuity and playful energy to your work to see if there's a way to make it more enjoyable. You can lead an effort to make the work environment more pleasant and social, maybe a Valentine's Day party or an afterwork social will do the trick.
Health:
Your health gets additional focus during the second half of the month, Libra, forcing you strike a happy balance between getting enough rest and staying active. Sometimes you tend to scatter your energy trying to do too much; this month, make an effort to move more fluidly and make time to checkout just to relax. You can save the world tomorrow after a good night's sleep.
Scorpio

October 23 to November 21
Heads up, Scorpio! You may get a taste of putting your ideas out there to be seen this month. The Eclipses have been rocking your Home and Public life, attempting to get you motivated to put yourself out there while also releasing old patterns that may be holding you back from shining fully. It's okay to put yourself first. Prioritize what you need to feel secure and how you want to appear on the world stage.
Love/Sex:
You may find yourself feeling more creative and fun-loving around the second half of the month. If you've been wanting more romance, wait til a few days after Valentine's day to make moves. Your House of Romance and Creativity will be crowded and wanting to you to flirt and play. Just make sure you don't get too carried away with your spending while you're out enjoying yourself.
Career:
We oftentimes fail to mention just how much our home/family life impacts our ability to succeed. This is not to say that anything could hold you back from success, Scorpio, but it's a good idea to assess whether or not you feel grounded and supported. If you find that your inner circle gets tighter or there's adjustments on the home front, consider it a blessing. Eclipses have a way of washing out stagnant energy and people from our lives. On the 15th, you'll be granted the opportunity to start a new story about what family means to you and how they support your ability to climb the ladder. You'll be fired up to aggressively go after money and resources that may fuel future creative projects later in the month. Trust in your magnetism to attract to you whatever you desire.
Health:
Making a few investments in your health wouldn't be a bad idea, Scorpio. Put aside some of the extra money made this month just for that purpose. Whether it be some new workout clothing or signing up for a new dance class, anything that keeps your energy moving, will have you feeling powered up.
Sagittarius

November 22 to December 21
January may have left you feeling a little weighed down with all the mantle of authority and responsibility you've started wearing. Being the Head Centaur in Charge can be daunting, but February gives you a moment to meditate on a few inventive and imaginative ways to get a comfortable handle on your life when the Solar Eclipse on the 15th goes off in your House of Communication and Creative Thinking.
Emerging bright ideas now may come to fruition over the coming year.
Mars in your sign will give you a blast of fiery enthusiasm to fire up your courage again. Keep building your strong foundation, Sagittarius, you're just getting started!
Love/Sex:
Having Mars in your House of Self may have you feeling a little bolder this month. If you're looking for a date or want to breathe some fire into your current relationships, just know that it all begins with you! This would be the time to act with optimism and cheerfulness when asserting yourself. It's their loss if they don't want to enjoy a whirlwind of a good time with you.
Career:
You could feel the urge to shake up your work this month. The Eclipses have been steadily lighting up your mind with ways to reform and radicalize the way you perceive the world and, in turn, making you question what you want to be known for. Vision it first, write about it, if you could restructure your role in the world what would it look like? Spend some time reflecting at home before making any sudden moves.
Health:
As a child of Jupiter, your biggest issue is always going to be excess. Too much of a good thing, too much of a bad thing, so long as you get to be extra you're happy. This is a relaxed enough month for you to learn some restraint. Perhaps less take-out and more cooking at home instead. Less staying up reading in bed and more going to sleep at a decent time each night. Work on the basics and you should be alright.
Capricorn

December 22 to January 19
You're the Captain now, Seagoat. This is your ship and this month will have you assessing the bones of your vessel to see if it's fit to sail. Chances are high that there will be tinkering and adjustments to make as well as some much needed downtime to cool your jets. Work hard, play hard, and rest even harder.
Love/Sex:
You've been working on how to be more intimate with people around you. If it seems a little quiet on the romance front, that's okay, consider it a timeout before the potential wildness of the Spring and Summer seasons. Work on expressing your appreciation for those people who have been with you for the long haul. Let them know how valuable they are to you. An attitude of gratitude will only pull in more love and passion for you to be grateful for.
Career:
There could be opportunities for a positive boost in your self-esteem and income this month, Capricorn. The Eclipses are lighting up your Money sectors this month and can show opportunities to create new innovative streams of income or looking at new ways to make your money go farther. And if anyone wants to gift you with some of their abundance, don't fight it. Just smile and say, "thank you."
Health:
You tend toward over-thinking as is, Capricorn, and it's usually about your to-do list of all the things you'd like to get done before you kick the bucket. This month is no different as your mind fixates on finances and creative thinking. Siphon off some of the mental tension by discussing what's on your mind with your close friends or siblings. Bouncing ideas or venting off pent up emotions will keep you balanced, so when the call to get to work comes, you'll be good to go.
Aquarius

January 20 to February 18
Happy Birthday Aquarius! And what a birthday season it's been so far! The Heavens have supercharged your sign with another cosmic blast of energy. Your world may feel unsettled as the puzzle pieces of your life get rearranged. Allow the dust to settle, Water Bearer, the change that's occurring takes time to fully make itself known. But that's okay, you're used to sudden unexpected change and reform, so don't let these celestial events stop you from celebrating your brilliantly quirky humanitarian spirit.
Love/Sex:
Meeting new potential partners isn't going to be a problem this year, Aquarius. The people coming into your world this month are fiery and passionate, wanting to get you into the spirit of lighting up a room instead of being just another face in the crowd. Watch who invites you to play loud and colorfully, they're the ones who will support the new you you're currently downloading.
Career:
With Jupiter granting you luck in your career and reputation sector until November, don't be afraid to make moves that suit your needs. You're changing, and therefore everything, including the role you play on the grand stage, is up for renovations. Be on the lookout for mentors and others who may bless you with wisdom to inform your next moves.
Health:
Believe it or not, Aquarius, your health is tied to your emotions. Your mood and feelings can really do a number on your physical health if you're not attentive to them. If you find yourself feeling burnt out, especially around the Solar Eclipse on the 15th, take a break. Such powerful surges of energy would fry anyone's wires, including yours. Double up on the self-care and invest in activities that keep you feeling taken care of. Activists need decadent spa days too.
Pisces

February 19 to March 20
Happy Solar Return Pisces! On February 18th, the Sun returns to your sign to radiate bright light on your new year of life. Solar Returns are usually a wonderful time to give yourself a fresh look or set intentions about what you would like to experience over the next 12 months. Make a wish and prepare to grace us with your special blend of otherworldly compassionate magic.
Love/Sex:
Consider putting yourself out there more and more as the month progresses. Venus enters Pisces on the 10th, granting you an extra sprinkle of beauty and grace. By the 17th and 18th, you'll be ready to step out to show off your brilliantly iridescent fish scales. If you're looking to meet people or have a good time with a significant other, try going out to an event that shows off what a boss you are.
Career:
Mars, the planet of Action and War, is going to be up in your Career and Reputation house this month, Pisces, so prepare to do battle! Hopefully, you won't have to face any Night Kings riding Ice Dragons but you may feel inspired to take up a worthy cause to rally up enthusiasm! Think of all the creative ways you can uplift through your ability to take charge and get things done. Just try not to be too pushy or fall through on your promises. It's easy to get carried away on an idealistic dream, but dreams only come true with concrete action. Here's your chance to walk your talk.
Health:
With so much percolating inside your unconscious mind due to the Eclipses, take this month to find balance with a physical routine. You absorb your environment like a sponge, Pisces, and there are times when the best way to clear your energy is to cleanse your psychic water, sweat it out. Dancing wildly in your bedroom definitely counts, as do long strolls on your lunch break. If physical movement isn't in the cards, then unleashing your thoughts onto paper or meditating daily will do. The point is to clear out your internal clutter so you can start your new year fresh with your Intuition on high and ready to guide you forward.
What did your zodiac sign say about your sign?
Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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