If you start pursuing your college degree and realize you didn’t pick the right school, you can transfer.
If you take on a position at work that is no longer aligned with your purpose, you can find a new job.
If you end up in a miserable marriage, you can separate. But what do you do when the source of your misery is motherhood?
This uncomfortable question is one that our society simply does not want to address. We’ve read countless articles and come across tons of social media videos where women have ended their own lives and neglected or harmed their children because they simply didn’t have any help. Based on the commentary online, “You can’t complain; you CHOSE to have a kid,” a mother’s mental health comes secondary to her kids.
Motherhood is undeniably one of the most challenging positions you’ll ever be put in - and one that doesn’t come with a playbook.
So what happens when you succumb to society’s pressure of becoming a parent only to feel like you played yourself? **Cues DJ Khaled**
When I became a mother at the tender age of 35, I still felt extremely unprepared. Couple that with a traumatic birth experience, a lack of emotional support, and a lot of anxiety - and mama was an emotional wreck!
In a recent social media poll, 57% of moms said if they had a choice to do it all over again, they would not choose to have children in the same circumstances.
FG Trade/ Getty ImagesI spoke with millennial mom Alechia Reese about her story and struggles with motherhood. Alechia had a beautiful baby girl within the confines of her marriage, which later ended in divorce. Given her current circumstances, she says she is resentful of the full-time sole parenting responsibility. And rightfully so… After all, nobody walks down the aisle with the expectation of ending up in divorce court. She says, “If I had made better choices, I may have enjoyed motherhood. Protecting our wombs is incredibly important, and not giving babies to men who don’t deserve them.”
“If I had made better choices, I may have enjoyed motherhood. Protecting our wombs is incredibly important, and not giving babies to men who don’t deserve them.”
Unfortunately, Alechia’s story isn’t that unique. When I asked a few other millennial moms to share their regrets regarding motherhood, here’s what they said:
“I love my children, but I regret putting myself in this position. I am constantly overwhelmed, and I am left to make every decision by myself. I am drained and hardly ever had any time for myself or to myself. I do not enjoy being a mother, and there’s nobody I can say that to.” - Chelsea F., 34
“I never expected to feel this way about being a mom. I have always wanted to have kids, but I did not expect that it would be this hard. I thought my maternal instinct would kick in, but I am two kids in and still feel like I am struggling. I don’t have a village, and I am stuck doing it all alone. Don’t even get me started on daycare costs, diapers, and everything else I have to figure out now. If I complain to anyone about my kids, they make me feel guilty. So I suck it up and keep going.” - Madeline H., 32
“There are amazing days as a mom, and there are days that I wish I could get somebody else to do it! Nobody talks about how hard it can be to manage multiple kids and try to manage yourself, too. I think my experience as a mom would be completely different if I had a better co-parenting situation.” - Nicole W., 32
“I really wish I would have waited to get married before I had my baby. I love her to death but I am always tired, I can’t think straight half the time, and I have very little help. If I could do it all over again, I would definitely wait until I had a solid partner to parent with.” - Faith D., 40
I think it’s safe to say that the majority of women wouldn’t trade their children for the world, but there are quite a few who would do things differently if given the chance. Some of the reasons so many women find their mental health compromised with motherhood are:
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Lack of Support
We’ve all heard the phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but it also takes a village to support a mother. Millennials are known for packing up and moving away from home, so instead of our babies spending the weekend at granny's house, granny more than likely lives in another city and sees the baby on social media.
The village that we once counted on no longer exists within our community, let alone our country. The U.S. simply is not a family-friendly country and that keeps moms feeling left out and forgotten about.
Solution: Support might be closer than you think. Even if you don’t naturally have a village (family), you can get intentional about finding your tribe. From your local YMCA or Lifetime Fitness, which offers free childcare, to finding a church home or social group - there’s someone right in your city to support you, sis!
Lack of Preparation
Most of us were led to believe that our maternal instincts would kick in the moment we became mothers, and that’s just not the case for everyone. Some women experience a disconnect with themselves, with their baby, and with their sanity during postpartum. Imagine coming home from the hospital alone and feeling clueless about what to do. The majority of online resources for moms are related to pregnancy, not parenting. So in the midst of what could be a mental health crisis, you’re left to figure out how to best care for your child.
For most moms, it’s even tougher to put your pride aside and admit you need help parenting.
Solution: You would be surprised how many helpful women you can find who are willing to share with you and support you on social media - specifically Facebook. There are hundreds of mom-based groups that you can join where you can find relevant resources and connect with like-spirited women in similar situations. You can find groups based on the age of your child, your city, your lifestyle, your beliefs, etc.
Plus, you can post anonymously in the groups to ask your questions without feeling any judgment or pressure to appear to be a perfect parent. These groups are also great to show you that nobody has it all figured out. Don’t let your pride keep you from becoming the best parent possible.
Lack of Financial Resources
We all know the economy is trash, and childcare costs were ridiculous even before this recession. Grocery prices have gotten out of control, people are paying upwards of $500/week for daycare, and moms are struggling to keep up. If your income doesn’t allow you to qualify for assistance of any sort, you’re often stuck in between ‘making enough but not having enough.’ So it’s up to us to get smart about how we are spending, saving, and managing our money.
Solution: There are women like @bitchimbudgeting who share practical budgeting tips and tricks to help you better manage your finances by doing simple things like canceling subscriptions, eating out less, actively setting aside for savings, and more. And there are TONS of coupon/deal accounts that post daily sales for things you are probably purchasing anyway.
One little-known money-saver I recently found out about was app-based cell phone service. Visible is a service that is owned by Verizon, and uses their towers but costs $25/month. Making this one change saved me $300/month! T-Mobile has Mint Wireless for $25/month, and there are other options that may be available in your area as well.
Regardless of how much our babies are a blessing, they can absolutely feel like a burden at times. It’s important that millennial moms intentionally invest in self-care and seek the support that they need to become the parents their babies deserve.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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