

I Was Job Shamed For Working In Childcare
I was my family's success story all throughout my formative years. All As here and academic awards there; scholarships here and National Honors Society there. I even landed in our local newspaper twice based on academics. I graduated high school number three in my graduating class with academic honors. My family could not have been prouder - especially my mother.
I would often hear my mom on the phone boasting to her friends and our family about my success. "My baby gets all As." "My baby got three scholarships." My baby, my baby, my baby was a mantra constantly resounding off the AT&T cordless receiver as she alone solidified my place in her social group as the smartest, most achieved offspring in history.
As expected, I started college directly after high school. I had a strong desire to become a doctor, but my biology and chemistry 101 classes humbled me. College was a lot different for me than high school. Whereas I never really had to apply myself before, in college I had to study for probably the first time in my life. The As and Bs weren't coming in as fast as they did before. Neither were the endorsements and praise from my mother. When things got super frustrating during my sophomore year, I confessed one night over the phone that I wanted to quit school.
I never heard my mother that silent before and I realized that quitting was not going to be an option.
Though I wasn't failing, there were Cs and the occasional D wrapped up in my grades, and my mother lost her right to brag on my academics. However, I started a job at a childcare center while in school. Children have always been naturally drawn to me and working in childcare made me realize I really liked them too. Now, my mother switched from solely praising my academics to also championing the fact that I worked and went to school full-time.
Eventually, I got my act together. I realized the need to study. I ended up back on the Dean's List and started pursuing a degree in psychology. My mother could boast again. I was happier, and all was well in the kingdom. That is, until after graduation.
I graduated within four years with a 3.0. I was only 22 and the world looked promising. But I got a quick reality check. I looked for a job for months and, though I landed many interviews , I couldn't land a job . Every employer saw that I had four years of childcare experience and couldn't understand why I wanted to make a career change.
No employer wanted to understand that I was kid who worked in childcare because it sustained me through college. The only options I had at the time was either go back to school for a master's degree or settle into building a career in childcare. By this point, I was academically burned out, so I opted for childcare.
I loved my time in childcare, but as the years rolled on, the questions came. Every holiday with family, every experience at my home church, every encounter with my mother's friends were filled with the sarcastic retorts, "I thought you were going to be a doctor… why are you still changing diapers?"
Everywhere I went, the job I loved was reduced to "changing diapers". The wild part about it is that I have friends who are nurses. They also change patient's diapers, but their job title is never reduced to solely wiping butts. I quickly learned that in society, there are jobs that are esteemed higher than others based on the pay one receives or the education required to attain the job.
Over the years, my mother would never admit that I worked in childcare to other people. She would call me a" teacher" to her friends. My mama called me "teacher" because I seemed like a failure to society if I was solely a person who "changed diapers". She wanted to mislead people into believing that I actually went to college for a degree in the field of teaching because it sounds more fitting.
I had the sorrowful epiphany that according to society, it isn't proper to be smart, educated, degreed, and "only" work in childcare. I was shamed so often that I also started to call myself a "teacher".
Yes, daycare workers do teach, but why is it so shameful to call yourself a "childcare provider"? The stigma that is faced for doing very honorable and rewarding work, isn't fair. Childcare providers are respectable people who provide quality service to children while their parents work. There is nothing shameful about it.
I allowed the nagging of others to shame me to the point I quit the job I loved. After many years in childcare, I recently quit. I got a so-called "respectable" office job in my field and hated it. I missed kids, I missed the freedom to be compassionate, creative, and nurturing. I traded my happiness to feel respected by society only to realize that I was well-respected by the parents, administrative staff, and children who loved me.
The moral of this story is don't allow yourself to be shamed. Don't prostitute yourself out for the validation of others. If a career brings you joy, then pursue it. You don't need the support of the world.
All you need is to feel fulfilled inside of your own heart.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Kristi Smedley is just a girl seeking to find the deeper meaning of life while enjoying the journey. She enjoys writing about music, spirituality, and psychology among other topics at www.bluenotesoul.com .
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find , there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecole exclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause , marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression , anxiety , like all of it, mental health challenges , all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry ’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy . If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures , and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood , her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff , which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You , which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Victoria Monét Opens Up About Feeling ‘Validated’ Months After VMAs Turned Her Down To Perform
Victoria Monét has had an incredible year. Thanks to the success of the widely popular “ On My Mama ” that went viral, the singer/ songwriter’s Jaguar II album debuted in the top 10 of Billboard’s Top R&B Albums chart. She also went on to headline her own sold-out tour . So, when the MTV VMAs happened in September, everyone was surprised to learn that Victoria’s team was told that it was “too early” for the “Smoke” artist to perform at the award show. However, a couple of months later, the mom of one received seven Grammy nominations, including “Best R&B Album” and “Record Of The Year.”
Victoria is currently in London and stopped by The Dotty Show on Apple Music and shared how she feels “validated” after being dismissed by the VMAs.
“It really does feel nice and validating because, in my head, the reason why I wanted to be a performer at the VMAs or award ceremonies like that is because I felt like I am at the place where I should. I would work really hard to put on the best show that I could, and I was excited to do so,” she said.
“And I guess the best way to describe it for me is like when you're like on a sports team, and the coach is like, ‘No, you gotta sit this one out.’ When they finally put you in, and then you score all these points, and it feels like that feeling. You're like, yes, I knew it wasn't tripping, but I knew I worked hard for this, and so it's been super validating to just have these accolades come after a moment like that, and I know the fans feel vindicated for me.
While her fans called the VMAs out on their decision, the “Moment” singer kept it cute and is still open to performing at the iconic award show. “I feel no ill towards them because it's just maybe that's just truly how they felt at the time, but I hope their mind has changed,” she admitted.
Aside from recognition from the Grammys, she has also received praise from legendary artists such as Janet Jackson , Kelly Rowland , and Usher .
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Feature image by Amy Sussman/WireImage for Parkwood