I’ve said before that learning about the most random of things is one of my absolute favorite pastimes (I get it from my daddy). When it comes to this particular topic, though, what inspired it was a conversation that I was having with one of my clients about how to deal with her husband, who is “up” about 70 percent of the time — oh, but when he has a bad day, his energy tends to suck the life out of the house. He’s not mean, he’s just…low. And when she asks him why that is the case, he tends to say nothing more than “I’m just having a bad day.” (When I asked him for myself, he said that stress tends to overwhelm him at times.)
As she was asking for tips on how to deal with him when he’s in that kind of headspace, I ended up reading about the science of bad days, in general. The intel behind it? I don’t think that it will shock a lot of y’all. What it all basically boils down to is, if we think that we’re going to have a bad day or we’re in a bad mood and choose to stay that way, a bad day is exactly what we’re going to have. In other words, our mind has more power than our emotions to create whatever it is that we want (always remember that).
For instance, some studies reveal that more accidents tend to happen on Friday the 13th because a lot of folks put so much focus on it being a “bad luck day” that they end up cultivating circumstances for bad things to happen, oftentimes without even being (fully) aware of it.
Hmm…so if that’s the case when it comes to bad days overall, could there be some sort of correlation between why we have days when we feel way less attractive than others? Let’s do some digging and see.
Is There Really Such a Thing As “Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed?”
GiphyOkay, so before we get into the feeling ugly/unattractive part, since sometimes we call that “getting up on the wrong side of the bed,” how much truth is there to that saying? Good question. Again, when we get science in on all of this, it actually holds some weight and relevance. Probably the easiest way to explain it is our bodies naturally go through what are known as “mood cycles,” and it would appear that our lowest points happen around 5 a.m. while our highest is at 5 p.m. (right after work?!). What can intensify us having a lower mood is if we didn’t get a good night’s rest (or we dreamed something crazy because apparently there is a correlation between dreams and the state of our mental health) — and well, there you have it: waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
So, if there is a scientific reason for being in a bad mood when you get up, can there also be one for not feeling like you look all that great as well?
Why Do You Feel Ugly Some Days and Not on Others?
GiphyIt’s another message for another time, all of the backstories behind why we feel “ugly” sometimes. From the toxicity of the media and its beauty standards to whatever we heard from our parents and caregivers (about what beauty is and isn’t) to how we compare ourselves with our peers to the fact that all of us battle with self-esteem issues at some point or another — the reasons are vast. What I’m tackling today is why it seems like some mornings, we can wake up and grin back at our reflection while, just 24 hours (or a few days) later, we can damn near hate all of what we see…when the reflection hasn’t really switched up much at all.
Are you ready for what I found? When it comes to women, specifically, once again, you can “thank” your period. The word on the street is that when we go through what is known as the luteal phase (which is when our uterine lining thickens in order to prepare for the possibility of a fertilized egg), the increased levels of estrogen and progesterone can wear us all the way out by leading to fatigue, erratic mood swings and, at the end of the day, just feeling kind of crappy overall (especially since that can be when we end up with period pimples and bloating too).
And what if you’re older and you’re shifting out of consistent menstrual cycles as you head towards the latter part of perimenopause and then menopause (and post-menopause)? There is also something known as “perimenopause depression,” where your estrogen levels significantly drop, and that can result in irritability, weight gain, and yes, feelings surrounding low self-esteem.
In fact, since estrogen fluctuates pretty much every month — that can be another cause of semi-unpredictable “ugly” days: when your estrogen is low, you just don’t feel as great as when it is high(er); this is especially the case if your “feel-good hormones” like serotonin and dopamine aren’t where they need to be too.
What Do You Do on Days You Feel Ugly?
GiphySo now that you’re able to somewhat connect the dots when it comes to the reasons why you sometimes just don’t feel your best, is there anything that you can do about it — or do you just have to avoid all mirrors and hope that the next day will be better?
I’ve got a few tips that just might help.
Balance your hormones out (just a bit). Believe it or not, there are certain things that you can do that can help to balance your hormones out rather quickly: exercise; consume more protein (it can help to decrease stress and anxiety); eat less sugar (it can have your hormones going all over the place); take care of your gut (check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.”), and take a quick nap (so that you can “recharge”). Also, stepping out into the sun and hanging out with friends can help elevate your serotonin while listening to music and meditating can increase your dopamine.
Put on your favorite color and scent. Color psychology really is a thing (check out “Understanding Color Psychology Will Sharpen Your Lens On Life”). So, when you’re not feeling great about yourself, opt for a hue that professes otherwise. For instance, while yellow represents happiness and, green represents balance, pink represents love and blue represents calm. Also, believe it or not, there are scents that can help you to feel better about yourself, too. Some of those include citrus (it makes you feel joyful and energetic), lavender (it can make you feel more feminine), and sandalwood (it can make you feel sexier).
Do what makes you feel beautiful. I don’t know about y’all, but on the days when I’m “mirror dodging,” it’s easy to stay in that rut. Now I’m in dark colors, I’m rolling my eyes at putting on lipstick, and it’s easier to stay negative throughout the day. If you can certainly relate, the thing to keep in mind is there is “feeling ugly,” and then there is “believing that you are” — and your thoughts are stronger than your feelings.
That said, do what makes you feel beautiful by thinking about the actions that you can take to help with that. Paint your toes another color. Wear something that makes you feel extra pretty. Soak in a long and luxurious bath. Jot down a quick list of things that you love about yourself. Have some really amazing sex! At the end of the day, by definition, "beautiful" is about pleasure and satisfaction — so put your focus on what will cultivate those feelings for you.
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One of those “days” is coming (again). Hopefully, all of this makes them make more sense.
Sis, you don’t have to take an “I feel ugly out of nowhere” day lying down.
When your hormones are clowning, now you know what to do to feel like your ole’ beautiful self — again.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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