Are you someone who has a literal love/hate relationship with food? If so, and you're kinda at your wit's end about it, let's talk about intuitive eating for a hot second. If you've heard the term before but you're not 100 percent sure what it means, to be an intuitive eater means that you have figured out a way to 1) enjoy food without feeling guilty, 2) discern you're truly hungry vs. when you're relying on food as a coping mechanism and 3) know how to make peace with your food choices without overthinking, starving yourself or being obsessed with dieting. In short, intuitive eating is about approaching food from a place of rational thinking, a healthy sense of emotions and gut instinct—not one of these points; all three of them.
When someone has mastered how to eat intuitively, the obsession with losing weight and the desire to comfort eat tends to become less of an issue because, when you give yourself permission stop seeing food as "the enemy", it opens up a world of possibilities where you're able to decide what foods are best for you, what should be consumed in moderation and what is about choosing what is ultimately great for your mind, body and spirit—rather than simply what will change the number on your scale in your bathroom.
Are you ready to learn more about how to become an intuitive eater so that you can get back to really loving food again?
First, Get the Word “Diet” Out of Your Vocabulary
Different people have different perspectives on what makes for a "dirty" four-letter word. For instance, while some folks would never dream of saying "s—t", I'm floored that many of those same people will call someone "ugly" in a heartbeat. To me, the first word is a cuss word while the second is a curse word. But we'll have to get into all of that another time. For now, I'll just say that on my own personal list of bad four-letter words, "diet" tops the list.
Not "diet" in the sense of the foods that someone may choose to improve their overall health and well-being, but diet when it comes to being preoccupied with a certain type of foods that you think will help you to lose weight only. I'm not the only one who feels this way either.
If you speak with reputable therapists or nutritionists, many will say that, not only is it counterproductive, psychologically, to be consumed with what you should and shouldn't eat in order to shed pounds, but going on a diet is oftentimes only a temporary "fix" rather than a long-term solution to weight loss.
In fact, it's been reported that as much as 80-95 percent of people who go on diets, end up gaining back the weight that they lost, if not packing on even more pounds. And a part of that is because they haven't learned how to have a healthier relationship with food.
Be at Peace with Food
There is someone I know who's been on some form of a diet, for at least 15 years now. It's literally nothing to see her 20 pounds smaller one month and 30 pounds heavier 2-3 months later. Whenever we discuss the roller coaster that she is constantly on, she talks about the fact that she's an emotional eater (I'll get more into that in a sec). Because of that, one day she sees foods like it's the enemy; the next day, she's using that same food to comfort her. Living like this keeps her on a constant yo-yo and that's not good because yo-yo eating/dieting leads to things like increased weight loss and a decrease in muscle mass, along with an increased risk of diabetes, heart disease and blood pressure.
This is why it's so important to be intentional about making peace with food. What I mean by that is, stop looking at food as being what keeps you from the weight goals that you're striving for, or as a way to make you feel better when you're down. For the most part, food is fuel, period. And while some foods are better for us than others, when we relax minds and give ourselves permission to 1) see food as a way to keep us going and 2) actually embrace food for what it is, that can help us to look at it from a healthier perspective. It can also provide a foundation for balance while learning to consume certain things in moderation (rather than starving ourselves or punishing ourselves for indulging).
Listen to Feelings More Than Rules
OK, let's look a little into what emotional eating is. If you're someone who eats in a direct response to something that has (or hasn't) happened to you (whether you are actually hungry or not); if you're prone to eating at unusual times of the day (like really late at night); if you tend to always use food as a way to reward yourself; if your eating habits drastically shift, based on how stressed out you are (or aren't); if you rely on food to make you feel better—all of these are clear signs that you, at least have the tendency, to be an emotional eater. And, if this is indeed the case, trying to diet is going to be absolute hell for you because, let's be honest—for most people, dieting comes with its own level of stressors and insanity triggers.
So, if emotional eating isn't the way to go, why am I recommending that you listen to your feelings as you're on the path of learning how to become an intuitive eater? Good question.
The reality is that an emotional eater tends to be someone who doesn't actually make the time to acknowledge and then validate how they feel about something (or someone). When they're upset, uncomfortable or anxious, they will almost automatically use food to distract them rather than take the time to process what their emotions genuinely are. However, as they learn more about how to handle their feelings and circumstances in a productive way, the less they will need food to "fill a void". As a result, there is no need to 1) feel guilty about eating and/or 2) go on a diet to lose weight because they can find the strength that they need to work through their issues another way. Food won't help them to "work through" anything, so they won't rely on it and then feel badly when it causes them to put on more weight. And coming to this place in their psyche is what will keep them from freaking out about their weight and then trying to follow the rules of yet another diet.
When it comes to this particular point, it can be helpful to either talk things through with a friend or even seeing a reputable therapist or counselor, just so that you can get tips and tools for how to work through your emotions in a more beneficial way. If you do this, you will be well on your way to having a healthier relationship with food, so that you don't always have to figure out how to diet in order to accomplish any weight goals that you may have. You'll be able to trust your feelings about food because you won't rely on food to drown out your feelings. Make sense?
Know Your Triggers Too
Knowing your triggers. When you're someone who's mastered this particular point, it can empower you in so many areas of your life. For instance, when I first embarked upon my abstinence journey, I came to realize that back when I was making some (mostly emotional) reckless sexual decisions, a constant trigger was, since I was basically always praised for my sexual performance, I would rely on that to make me feel better, whenever my self-esteem wasn't as high as it should be. What I mean is, if I felt bad about myself, I would use sex to make me feel better. But as I started being more intentional about establishing self-love, the easier it was to "push the sex plate back". Then sex was more about being a want than a "needy need".
A similar resolve can come from understanding your triggers as it relates to food. One person I know, they always eat the most junk food whenever they get into it with their in-laws. It's like, instead of setting some real boundaries with their mother-in-law (especially), they'll just cram some fries, chips or ice cream into their mouth instead. Problem is, because their spouse has some pretty unhealthy boundaries with their parents as well, this person is on the verge of losing it with their in-laws, fairly often. But if this person would recognize their family dynamic to be a trigger and work on other ways to cope, they could still enjoy fries, chips and ice cream from time to time. Only, it would be for the sheer pleasure of eating those things; not as a way to keep from going insane (and then feeling bad about themselves for over-indulging in the process).
That's the thing about intuitive eating. Because it's rooted in self-care and rational thought, when you apply this way of thinking to your life, it can benefit you, well beyond how you respond to what you've got in your fridge or what you plan to eat next.
Fill Yourself Up in a Beneficial Way
Believe it or not, self-care plays a huge role in being an intuitive eater. The more relaxed and internally at peace that you are, the better you'll get at knowing if you are truly hungry or if you're using food to fill voids within. That's why, if intuitive eating is something that you're considering getting into, adding self-care activities like pampering, yoga, journaling, meditation and leisure activities can help you to find more satisfaction in life so that food isn't something that you are super preoccupied with.
Something else that is a result of self-care? Avoiding the belief that you've got to starve yourself to reach your weight loss goals. That is absolutely not true (and is pretty unhealthy as well). Something else that intuitive eating does is teach you how to focus on filling yourself with foods that are good for you and can easily fill you up at the same time. High fiber foods like dark leafy greens, avocados and pears can slow down your body's digestion while also keeping your blood sugar levels from spiking. Beans, eggs and oatmeal contain lots of protein (protein always satisfies, appetite-wise). Pectin is a water-soluble fiber in foods like plums, bananas and raspberries that will also slow down your digestion while making you feel full at the same time.
Eating healthy foods that fill you up can help you to avoid not-so-healthy foods that only make you feel bad about yourself in the long run.
Bottom line, the more you learn about foods that can work towards gratifying your system in a beneficial way, the less food will be on your mind overall, and the better you will get at knowing if you're eating something because you are hungry, you want it for enjoyment purposes or you're using it as some sort of coping mechanism and nothing more. And the better you get at discerning the differences, the more peace you can have, any time food comes to your mind—or up to your lips.
Be Satisfied with Your Health. Focus Less on Your Weight.
One more point about intuitive eating. Any good nutritionist will tell you that if you struggle with food, solely because you want to lose weight, it really is better to think about what's best for your health overall than how to lose inches as quickly as possible. A part of the reason why is because pounds and inches can vary for all of us based on height, build, muscle mass, genetics and a host of other issues. But if your ultimate goal is to be healthier rather than just smaller, this is one more way where you can let yourself off of the hook when it comes to your relationship with food. You can figure out what foods give you more energy, put you into a better mood, make you more productive, keep you calm—and when you learn what foods work for your body, reaching body goals will become so much easier to do.
Hopefully, after reading all of this, you can see how dieting sucks (big time) and intuitive eating is totally the way to go. If this is something that interests you and you'd like to find a nutritionist in your area, visit EatRight.org or check out the National Organization of Black Dietetics and Nutrition.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (firstname.lastname@example.org) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
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Chief Mom Officer: 23 Quotes From Working Moms Finding Their Balance
The truth is, Black moms create magic every single day. Whether we're juggling motherhood with a busy 9-5, a thriving business, or staying at home to run a household, no day is short of amazing when you're managing life as a mommy. This Mother's Day, xoNecole is giving flowers to CMOs (Chief Mom Officers) in business who exemplify the strength it takes to balance work with motherhood. We've commissioned these ladies, who are pillars in their respective industries, for tidbits of advice to get you through the best and worst days of mothering. Here, they share their "secret sauce" and advice for other moms trying to find their rhythm.
Emmelie De La Cruz, Chief Strategist at One Day CMO
"My mom friends and I all laugh and agree: Motherhood is the ghettoest thing you will ever do. It's beautiful and hard all at the same time, but one day you will wake up and feel like 'I got this' and you will get the hang of it. After 4 months, I finally felt like I found my footing to keep my kid and myself alive, but it took vulnerability to take off the cape and be honest about the areas that I didn't have it all together. The healing (physically and emotionally) truly does happen in community - whatever and whoever that looks like for you."
Alizè V. Garcia, Director Of Social & Community Impact at Nike
"I would tell a new mom or a prospective mother that they must give themselves grace, understand and remember there is no right way to do this thing and have fun! When I had my daughter three and a half years ago, I was petrified! I truly had no clue about what to do and how I was going to do it. But with time, my confidence grew and I realized quickly that I have all the tools I need to be the mother I want to be."
Nikki Osei-Barrett, Publicist + Co-Founder of The Momference
"There's no balance. I'm dropping sh*t everywhere! However, my secret sauce is pursuing interests and hobbies outside of what's required of me and finding time to workout. Stronger body equals = stronger mind."
Lauren Grove, Chief Experience Architect, The Grant Access, LLC
"I try to give myself grace. That’s my mantra for this phase of motherhood…grace. I won’t be able to get everything done. To have a spotless house. To not lose my cool after an exhausting day. Those things can’t happen all of the time. But I can take a deep breath and know tomorrow is another day and my blessings are more plentiful than my pitfalls."
Rachel Nicks, Founder & CEO of Birth Queen
"You have the answers within you. Don’t compare yourself to others. Curate your life to work for you. Ask for help."
Tanisha Colon-Bibb, Founder + CEO Rebelle Agency + Rebelle Management
"I know love doesn't pay bills but when I am overwhelmed with work or client demands I take a moment to play with my baby and be reminded of the love, energy, science, and Godliness that went into his birth. I am brightened by his smile and laugh. I remember I am someone's parent and not just a work horse. That at the end of the day everything will work out for the good of my sanity and the love within my life."
Christina Brown, Founder of LoveBrownSugar & BabyBrownSugar
"Learning your rhythm as a mom takes time and can be uncomfortable when you’re in a season of overwhelm. Constantly check in with yourself and assess what’s working and what’s not. Get the help you need without feeling guilty or ashamed of needing it."
Mecca Tartt, Executive Director of Startup Runway Foundation
"I want to be the best for myself, my husband, children and company. However, the reality is you can have it all but not at the same time. My secret sauce is outsourcing and realizing that it’s okay to have help in order for me to perform at the highest level."
Jen Hayes Lee, Head Of Marketing at The Bump (The Knot Worldwide)
"My secret sauce is being direct and honest with everyone around me about what I need to be successful in all of my various "jobs". Setting boundaries is one thing, but if you're the only one who knows they exist, your partners at home and on the job can't help you maintain them. I also talk to my kids like adults and let them know why mommy needs to go to this conference or get this massage...they need to build an appreciation for my needs too!"
Whitney Gayle-Benta, Chief Music Officer JKBX
"What helps me push through each day is the motivation to continue by thinking about my son. All my efforts, though exhausting, are to create a wonderful life for him."
Ezinne Okoro, Global Chief Inclusion, Equity, & Diversity Officer at Wunderman Thompson,
"The advice I received that I’ll pass on is, you will continue to figure it out and find your rhythm as your child grows into new stages. Trust your nurturing intuition, parent on your terms, and listen to your child."
Jovian Zayne, CEO of The OnPurpose Movement
"I live by the personal mantra: 'You can’t be your best self by yourself.' My life feels more balanced when I offer the help I can give and ask for the help I need. This might mean outsourcing housecleaning for my home, or hiring additional project management support for my business."
Simona Noce Wright, Co-Founder of District Motherhued and The Momference
"Each season of motherhood (depending on age, grade, workload) requires a different rhythm. With that said, be open to learning, to change, and understand that what worked for one season may not work the other...and that's okay."
Janaye Ingram, Director of Community Partner Programs and Engagement at Airbnb
"My daughter's smile and sweet spirit help me to feel gratitude when I'm overwhelmed. I want her to see a woman who doesn't quit when things get hard."
Codie Elaine Oliver, CEO & Founder of Black Love
"I try to listen to my body and simply take a break. With 3 kids and a business with 10+ team members, I often feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I deserve grace for everything I'm juggling, I take a walk or have a snack or even head home to see my kids, and then I get back to whatever I need to get done."
Jewel Burks Solomon, Managing Partner at Collab Capital
"Get comfortable with the word ‘no’. Be very clear about your non-negotiables and communicate them to those around you."
Bridget Bogee, Marketing Lead At Meta
"Ask for help and always prioritize making time for you."
Julee Wilson, Executive Director at BeautyUnited and Beauty Editor-at-Large at Cosmopolitan
"Understand you can’t do it alone — and that’s ok. Relinquish the need to control everything. Create a village and lean on them."
Salwa Benyaich, Director Of Pricing and Planning at Premion
"Most days I really try to shut my computer off by 6 pm; there are always exceptions of course when it comes to big deals or larger projects but having this as a baseline allows me to be much more present with my kids. I love the fact that I can either help with homework or be the designated driver to at least one afterschool activity. Work can be draining but there is nothing more emotionally draining than when you feel as though you are missing out on moments with your kids."
Brooke Ellis, Head of Global Marketing & Product Launches at Amazon Music
My calendar, prayer, pilates class at Forma, a good playlist, and oatmilk lattes all help get me through any day.
Courtney Beauzile, Global Director of Client and Business Development at Shearman & Sterling
My husband is a partner who steps in when I just can’t. My mom and my MIL come through whenever and however I need. My kids have many uncles and aunts and they will lend an ear, go over homework, teach life lessons, be a presence or a prayer warrior depending on the day.
Robin Snipes, Chief of Staff at Meta
"Enjoy the time you have to yourself because once kids come those times will be few and far between."
Monique Bivens, CEO & Founder at Brazilian Babes LLC.
"For new moms, it is very important that you get back into a habit or routine of something you use to do before you were pregnant. Consider the actives and things that give you the most joy and make the time to do them."
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