7 Tips For Anxious Attachment Styles That'll Help You Love More Securely
Anxiety is something that can rear its ugly head in all sorts of places, whether it be at work, with self, or in our relationships with other people. Earlier this year, we spoke about attachment styles based on attachment theory, a concept that explores how parent-child relationships influence the way we love and form attachments in important relationships later in life. According to said theory, people form attachments in four ways: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. For a quick recap of the more anxiety-prone attachment styles – anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant – check out our article, "What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Love Life". Although there were four attachment styles discussed, in this article, we want to focus solely on the ones that speak more to the anxious types.
So, we recently spoke with award-winning psychotherapist and relationship expert, Rhonda Richards-Smith, who provided some real-life tips in an effort to help women navigate through some of these attachment styles while dating and in relationships with people.
Advice To Overcome Anxious Attachment Styles In Dating
1.Be prepared to unlearn a lot of things.
Many of us carry a "false sense of loyalty and legacy" when we think about the things that we were taught over the years as it relates to all types of relationships. As much as we respect and honor what our parents or guardians taught us, we also have to acknowledge that our parents don't know everything, and sometimes the advice is not applicable to our lives.
Rhonda recalled some of the wisdom her dearly departed grandmother (God rest her beautiful soul) would constantly tell her when it came to relationships. For example, she would say things like, "Just make sure they love you. Don't worry about you loving them back." Although Rhonda knew it was coming from a loving place because her grandmother wanted to protect her from hurt and disappointment, Rhonda also learned and knew that it wasn't necessarily true or the greatest advice for her. Moreover, just because she didn't necessarily agree with the advice doesn't mean she loved her any less.
Oftentimes, "we look at the source and not the quality of what people are saying. You can love someone, respect them, and care about them, but they can still give you advice that's just not applicable to your life." Nevertheless, Rhonda encourages us "to be mindful about the messages that we take in. We have to be critical about what our thoughts and our feelings are, and make sure that they're true to what we believe versus what others impose on us."
2.Be flexible in your relationships.
There's a tendency to assume that our current relationships will be exactly like the relationships we observed through our parents and family. For example, people who were raised in a home with both parents either: strive to replicate their relationship based on what they saw, or they will do whatever they can to make sure it looks nothing like what they witnessed. Conversely, for someone who grew up in a single-parent home, there isn't as much pressure to replicate what they saw. Hence, "it allows a bit more flexibility and creativity within the relationship."
Either way, we crave what's familiar even if it was chaotic or dysfunctional. So, if it doesn't show up in the relationship, then we assume it must not be a real, healthy or it must not be love. Moreover, when the relationship starts to look different from what we saw growing up, even if that "different" is good to us and good for us, it can feel like a "betrayal when we don't adhere to everything we saw or were taught."
Nonetheless, whether we came from a two-parent home or a single-parent home or some other dynamic, the reality is that "most of our parents or family members did the best that they could with what was at their disposal, but what may have served them then, may not serve you today."
Although it may feel uncomfortable or it may require some courage, give yourself permission to release certain traditions for the sake of your relationships. Be open to the fact that your journey may look completely different, understanding that what may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you.
3.Be committed to doing the self-work.
Not only is it important to consider what we take in from others, but we also have to think about what we're telling ourselves, as well as how we engage with our partners. Rhonda encourages us to seek clarity and consistency, and we do that by being vulnerable with the people we're with, the people we're surrounded by, and/or even with a therapist or trusted advisor.
Personally, I relate to both of these anxious attachment styles especially when it comes to feeling as if I'm waiting for the ball to drop or someone to hurt me. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and really started to dig deeper and realized that so much of who I am and my behaviors is directly connected to the absence of my father. Now, I'm able to better manage a lot of the anxiety and those feelings of doubt a lot better because of it; which in turn, is also helping my marriage as well as how my people-pleasing tendencies show up in other relationships.
So, don't be afraid to do the work and dig deeper by having real, open, candid conversations.
4.Be intentional about engaging in mutually beneficial relationships.
No matter the relationship – lover, family, friend, etc. – there has to be mutual work on both sides. It can't be one person doing all the work. For example, "Men have to be just as invested in making the relationship work as women are" whether that's through counseling, reading books, attending seminars, or more.
As Rhonda explained, "Both partners need to have an independent level of understanding and awareness. You have to find a happy medium. Otherwise, these anxiety-filled attachment styles can lead to all or nothing or an unhealthy dependence on each other."
5.Be willing to take risks.
There are never any guarantees when it comes to life and love. There will always be a risk, but how we were raised or the things we've been told have made some of us risk-averse.
Think about a time when you were actually going to take a risk, but then, someone discouraged you from doing it. Later, you realized that they were merely projecting their fear and reservations onto you. That's why Rhonda suggests that we actually start taking more risks in other areas of our lives. We can't just be risk-takers when it comes to relationships. "It has to be a lifestyle shift. The more you take risks in other areas of your life, the easier it'll be to do in your relationships."
6.Be ready and willing to forgive.
Contrary to the Disney princesses' fairy tale endings, life isn't perfect and neither are relationships. However, having a willingness to forgive prepares you for the inevitable ups and downs that will occur in your relationship. Hence, instead of immediately defaulting to planning an exit strategy due to anxiety, fear, or the thought of someone leaving you, you're more prepared for the disappointment and more likely to take a step back and figure out how it is that you're going to forgive.
Of course, if there are major red flags or unhealthy behaviors within the relationship, then, it might be time to decide if you should stay or go. But choosing to leave just because you're scared, anxious, or worried doesn't have to be your first option.
7.Be willing to shift your mindset and focus on the secure attachment style.
Part of managing or changing these attachment styles also means shifting your focus from what you're not doing well to more of what you should be doing. It's "understanding what the secure attachment style looks like, why it's important, and why it's the healthiest attachment style" when it comes to your relationships.
As with most anything in our lives, you have to have what Rhonda refers to as a "North Star". Metaphorically speaking, the North Star helps keep you grounded and focused. It's a constant, reliable force despite whatever else is going on around you. Let the secure type serve as a your "attachment style North Star" and a reminder for what you want to strive to be - "straightforward with people…avoiding passive aggressiveness." It's a reminder to be "clear and communicate with your partner in terms of your needs, and also be receptive to their feedback."
Ultimately, the goal is to have secure attachment so that regardless of the relationship, "you can weather storms in a healthy way, maintain your self-worth, and focus your energy on what could happen in the future versus what happened in the past."
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Manifestation is the act of making something real that was once an idea or thought. We are doing it constantly through the thoughts we are thinking the most, whether we are conscious about it or not, and it makes up our entire existence. Being intentional about your thoughts and what you are focusing on, and therefore what you are manifesting into your life, is critical when it comes to what you want to see in your world.
Manifesting tools and ways of enhancing your own personal magic in life will be different for everyone, and that’s where Astrology comes in.
Some people, like Mercury-ruled Virgo and Gemini, work best when they can write down their thoughts and manifest their dreams in that way. Others like Venus-ruled Taurus and Libra love a good visual and creating vision boards and aesthetics that match what they want to manifest for themselves tends to work best for them. Manifestation is a power we all have, but we all also have the ability to use it and enhance it in different ways.
Manifest Your Dream Life Through Astrology
In Astrology, there are a few key places you can look to discover your strengths in creating your dream life. Your 11th House, which rules your hopes, dreams, manifestations, and community. Your 10th House, which rules your achievements, goals, social stature, and successes. As well as your 1st House, which is the House that represents your sense of self, your personal goals and life path, and your self-identity.
All of these areas in Astrology align us with our dreams and inspire us to take action on them and to be more intentional about what we are creating in our world.
To manifest your dream life, you need to first ask yourself what you want. Get to the bottom of what it is you desire, know yourself, and discover what potential mental blocks may be limiting you from receiving it.
Are you an Aries who loves the idea and the initiative of manifesting something, but when it comes to needing more patience and trusting the divine timing of it all, do you self-sabotage and jump ship? Being Mars-ruled, Aries can create their dreams by balancing their proactive approach with self-trust and believing that what they are putting out will come back to them in positive ways.
How Each Zodiac Sign Should Manifest Their Dream Life
By identifying yourself, your traits, and your habits, you can find your strengths and where more of the magic is in your life and manifest the life you have always dreamed of.
Read below for your sun sign, and also look at your 11th, 10th, and 1st house signs as well to get the full picture:
ARIES
Aries would do well with studying the law of attraction. For Aries, the best way you are going to manifest for yourself is by getting out of your own way and letting things come to you. For some signs, they may need to be taking more action, taking more risks, and putting themselves out there more to manifest, but Aries doesn’t have that problem.
Aries is always taking action and taking initiative, and to manifest more, you need to take a step back and let things come to you. Trust and wholeheartedly believe that you are worthy and ready for what you are looking for; let it go and watch it manifest for you, Aries.
TAURUS
Taurus needs a good atmosphere to manifest. If you are not feeling comfortable, safe, and in tune with yourself, then it is hard for you to do anything, and you need to make sure the vibe is right first and foremost.
There is also a mystical side that not many people know or see right away, and you can create some real magic by lighting intentional candles, using flower therapy, and visualizing what you want to manifest for yourself in a luxurious bath or atmosphere.
You need to feel your manifestations, and going for a test drive in your dream car, touring your dream house, and doing the things that put you physically in the space of your manifestations works best for you, Taurus.
GEMINI
Gemini manifests best by creating and putting pen to paper. You have a lively mind and a curious spirit, and by moving around, exploring new places, and getting your energy excited, you create an opening in your life for magic. Geminis have a unique and open-minded vision and don’t need much to be in a good space to manifest.
Meditation will help you calm your mind so you can focus on one thing you want to manifest for yourself. However, you don’t want your active mind to make you feel scattered, which isn’t good for manifestation. It will also help you to communicate, talk about the things you want to happen for yourself, and put them out into the universe.
CANCER
Cancer’s gift of manifestation comes through from the heart. A lot of people associate manifestation with something your mind does, but it’s really all in the heart and feeling into where it takes you.
To create the perfect space for you to manifest your dreams, make sure you are in a place where you feel comfortable and at home and a space that makes you relax and focus on the joy and gratitude in your world.
Journaling, creating art, spending time on hobbies and passions, and doing things that put you in a space of creation and ease all serve you well. You shouldn’t try to manifest if you are not feeling emotionally well or up for it and should work on this magic when you internally feel called to, not out of fear or need of control.
LEO
Leo’s make great visualizers, and they can see and create things for themselves before they happen. Being inspired is very important when it comes to what you can manifest for yourself, and you’ll need to be in these inviting, exciting, and passionate places to do so. Getting out of your normal routine, getting a new scenery, and keeping an open mind serves you well here.
With your creative soul, you can better manifest by creating a physical vision board or making one with your favorite Pinterest pins. For you, the act of manifesting is the most important part, so get creative with it. Don’t judge your process or your way of doing things here; just create.
VIRGO
For Virgo, it’s all about being in the right headspace to manifest. Virgos can get in their head too much, which can block their blessings, so meditating, journaling, and relaxing can help you get to a good place to make your dreams come true.
Virgo is a sign that rarely gets enough rest as they are always doing and taking care of things. The challenge with this, however, is that your manifestations can’t reach you when you are always moving around, focused on the next thing you have to do.
Creating more time and space in your life to relax, rejuvenate, rest, and allow your blessings to meet you halfway is essential. Remember that taking action is just as important as making the intention, but so is letting it go and allowing it to come to you.
LIBRA
Libra is a visual manifester and manifests through positive intention, love, and creativity. Getting inspired, going to an art show, being physically around people similar to what you want to manifest for yourself, and being creative is good for your manifestation potential. Write down what you want for yourself, then look for ways to create more of it in your life right now.
Libra is a sign that mirrors others; use this gift to mirror the things you want for yourself. You can do this by dressing for the job you want, going to places you want to be in, and connecting with people there. Overall, it means acting as if it is already so for you. Your strong Venus energy makes you a magnet for your desires.
SCORPIO
Scorpio sees and feels everything in an in-depth way and does well when they can get out of their emotions and remain in the present moment. For you, Scorpio, manifesting gets easier the more you can own your power rather than fear away from it, and the more you can create from a space of divine intention rather than control.
Setting up affirmations and positive keywords for yourself serves you well. Knowing your trigger words and places can help you navigate and learn more about how you speak to yourself to make sure you are saying and doing things that will give you what you want, not what you don’t.
Write a positive affirmation that reflects what you want for yourself right now, put it on your mirror, and then read it every day before you brush your teeth.
SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius is a master manifester. Your optimistic soul serves you well when it comes to manifesting your dreams, and you have an endless amount of them. It is not difficult for you to get inspired, but you do come across this energy more when you are traveling, learning, exploring the world, and connecting with people.
However, with your expansive mind, it can be hard to define exactly what you want for yourself and to stay focused, so journaling and writing down your intentions in an organized, concrete way will serve you well. You are ruled by Jupiter, which is the planet of good luck and manifestation; however, overall, just by being yourself, living your authentic life and truths, and being happy, you are easily able to manifest your dreams.
CAPRICORN
Capricorn is a practical soul, and this earth sign is more automatically geared to not trusting or believing in things they cannot see. You often see success as something that comes from hard work, and although this is true in a sense, it doesn’t always have to be difficult or a struggle.
For you, manifesting your dreams is going to come from realizing that it can really come to you that easily.
From thought to reality, it can all be that simple for you, Capricorn. Honoring your spirituality more, implementing a positive daily ritual or spiritual practice, and believing in the impossible will help you manifest your dreams. For you, Capricorn, it’s about trusting the universe more and believing in miracles.
AQUARIUS
Aquarius is an insightful and intuitive soul and is another sign that is naturally gifted in the art of manifestation. Aquarius is the ruler of the 11th House, which is literally the house of manifestation, so you come into this world with a gift here. For you, manifesting comes from visualization.
You are a very visual and in-tune soul, and you can create worlds from your mind alone. It’s all about defining your larger-than-life ideas and dreams and feeling how it would be to receive them. You have the mental aspect down, but implementing more heart and emotion into your manifestations and truly feeling how having your dreams come true would look like for you is essential.
PISCES
Pisces, you are ruled by Jupiter and Neptune, both planets that are key when it comes to manifestation. The Neptune side of you helps you imagine the impossible, be creative, and be inspired by your dreams. Your Jupiter side helps you have faith in it all and strengthens your connection with the universe. For you, manifesting comes from getting out of your head and into your heart.
You are often daydreaming and imagining scenarios you want to see happen, which can definitely help you manifest, but you’ll want to find a way to do so with a more grounded approach.
You can do so by creating space and preparing for something to enter your life that you have set your intentions for, and taking more action on the things that reflect your ideas and dreams.
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