

Let's keep it all the way real here. Men love sex. Women love sex. Those are just the facts. But what's often up for debate is exactly how each group would REALLY prefer to enjoy it. And I'm not just talking about favorite positions and foreplay. No, I'm talking about those deep innermost thoughts that we all secretly have but rarely ever voice. You know, the ones that would make all our mommas and grandmamas clutch their pearls if word ever got out. The ones that might make our friends look at us a little differently at brunch. And the ones that ALSO might make our significant other step up their game in bed if expressed.
So, it was in that spirit that I decided to take to the streets (not really because, 'Rona) and get a firsthand account of some of the things men like in bed but don't always ask for. And boy, did they NOT hold back. From butt play to role play and everything in between--nothing was off limits for these guys and the things they like but won't ask for. And I do mean, nothing. You might want to keep your pearls handy and pour up a drink for this one. Don't say I didn't warn you.
*Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect the freaky.
The Things Guys Like In Bed But Won't Ask For
For some guys, there was hardly anything they couldn’t ask for in bed…
Zach, 26
"Honestly, we are extremely open sexually and make sure to give reviews often. We've done some weird stuff already before so it's not many things I couldn't bring up."
Cortney, 27
"Usually I ask if it's something not being reciprocated. I feel like in the bedroom, when it comes to sex--it's a connection both partners have. In my case, I'm never apprehensive because most times it's clear, if that makes sense."
James, 27
"Everything I'm interested in, my partner is fine doing it. But I guess it's not fair that I never really asked for anything, it just happened over time."
Anthony, 26
"I'm personally kind of vocal in the things I like to participate in, so really I'm asking for whatever (laughs). I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
Chris W*, 29
"Honestly, I am apprehensive about asking for things. My upbringing contributed heavily to never being a man to ask anything from anyone, especially my lady. I desire for us to be less structured and more experimental. Not in a sense of bringing other people in or anything, but just in getting lost within each other sexually."
"I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
For other guys, what they won't ask for in bed is butt play…
TJ, 37
"[I want] my butthole to be touched. I don't want it penetrated but when I'm getting head, I like it touched. If I'm with a person that is not as open-minded or a person that I think will tease me for something we did, that makes me uncomfortable. Like a woman: the more comfortable I am, the freakier I am."
Dave, 36
"I like my butt being played with. My partner has done it before and was actually the one who introduced me to it, but then she goes to say that she's worried that I'll realize I'm actually gay. So, I never ask for it and just hope she chooses to each time."
Robert, 35
"I want my anus ate. It's not an easy topic to discuss or bring up, especially when you've not hinted at it before. Sometimes I want a freebie. That's a jump and nut. Not because I don't care about her pleasure, but because the week was long and I just need to get it out. Also, screw me like you got competition and if you know you ain't fresh, freshen up. And if you know there's another woman that's a fantasy of mine, be her for a night. I'd appreciate you more sexually."
For some, oral sex was the thing…
Marlon, 28
"I like it when my girl takes the initiative when it comes to giving head. I like a girl who enjoys sucking dick and doesn't wait for me to ask for it. I don't have a problem asking, but the energy is different (and better for me) when she just pulls it out and does her thing. I'm not necessarily apprehensive but it's not the same feel if I ask for it. [It] takes the spontaneity out of it."
Ed, 25
"I like oral sex but I wouldn't expect it every time. Because sometimes giving head is what a man wants versus what a woman wants. And if I can't give her what she wants, then I don't feel comfortable asking for it."
Chris R*, 26
"Oral sex is something I like to give and receive. However, it becomes an issue when the female doesn't like giving and only wants to receive. It also plays into my philosophy of relationships. I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides. It's one of those things I shouldn't have to ask for (in my opinion). I don't want her to think I feel entitled to it. But in all honesty, since we both are Christians, we shouldn't be doing it at all before marriage anyways so that also becomes an issue of guilt."
"I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides."
And for others, it was a bit of everything...
Reggie*, 33
"We've discussed the standard things: threesome--open to before the pandemic; she wants to watch me with another woman, [but there's the] same dilemma. In that, there's a little bit of a cheating fantasy, I think, but I don't even know where or how to bring that up. Also, I'm really into--there's no politically correct term I know for this--tit-f*cking. But my girlfriend isn't endowed in that way. We've tried, but it didn't work. So, I'm always nervous bringing it back up. Another visual thing I'm into, but it would have to wait for post-pandemic, is a double blowjob. Selfish to some degree, but in addition to the visual, I'm curious about how it actually feels. If there's anything that I'm more interested in that I don't know how to bring up again, it's being in an open relationship."
Keith, 32
"I really enjoy a level of role-playing, but not full-on acting out different characters. But more so, unwavering focus to be as nasty as you want. That means someone who takes charge and talks dirty and just makes sex feel like an event. I don't ever want them to feel as if they're less than what I want or that I'm being demanding."
AK, 32
"Oh, I know one, sleeping in the bed alone. [Were] you ever in a relationship and just want the bed to yourself for no reason? I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. But I guess anything that I think would make her look at me differently or make her feel like she was just a prop for the sole sake of my pleasure. I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
"I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
Julian, 28
"To be honest, there isn't much I wouldn't ask for that he wouldn't do because I'm very straightforward and transparent and he enjoys it! I think the things I would ask for, would be sex in public places other than a damn car, where the thrill of getting caught plays into us getting off! I would like to be tied up to a swing, gagged, spanked and a light beating with oil before sex. And it needs to be good aggressive sex, like biting and scratching pinned down, talking shit and maybe even a little spit in my mouth here and there. Choke me while you f*ck me and I'm on poppers so the head high and orgasm are amazing. I love soft passionate lovemaking, but sometimes I need that hard pressure and aggression."
Shannon, 27
"I've never really given it any thought but now that I think about it whenever I'm giving backshots, the sights are wonderful. Sometimes I'm like, 'I wonder what this hole would feel like instead' and as quick as the thought pops up, I'm like, 'Nah, she's probably not into that, TF is wrong with me?' But truthfully, for my life partner, whoever she may be, if I could learn all of the ways to bring her pleasure, why wouldn't I?"
GDT, 30
"In real life, in most scenarios, I am the leader and/or in some form of control. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy this session. Feel free to take complete control. Also, tease me. I like to work for it up until the point of your last piece of clothing comes off. As bad as you want it, make me think I'm working for it even in that moment. That's sure to get you more than one round. Be spontaneous! Let's have sex in the car, on a hiking trail, the kitchen counter, inside the resturant bathroom. Let's try some things.
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you. Just come home and do what needs to be done (laughs). I'm a professional, always, so sounding rude or overly pressuring someone I love and/or sexually active with is not the goal. Also, I understand the daily disrespect and hard days Black women have (and I'm only interested in Black women--no love lost for others pursuing differently) so I'm not trying to seem abusive by my request."
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you."
Jay*, 30
"I started watching porn really early, at like 10. I'm almost thirty now so, as the years passed, regular porn wasn't enough for me. I started to watch more BDSM, trans, cuckold, humiliation, femdom stuff because of the shock value and it excited me. One thing I struggle with is defining what I just like to watch and what I actually want to try. A few things I have yet to tell my wife about is my desire to be degraded. Like while we're having sex, I want her to laugh at my size, call my penis small, make fun of me. Along with this, I want her to communicate how worthless my dick is and tell me to bend over so she can peg me. I'd actually love to do all of these things in front of our friends. I really want to go to an adult lifestyle club and have sex in a room full of strangers and watch others."
Arin*, 28
"Hmmmm. That's a good question. I would have to say that I feel like confidence is the most important thing that I can't really ask for. I feel like confidence leads to a lot. And plus, there is little better than a beautiful woman who knows she's beautiful."
Aaron, 33
"I like my nip-nips sucked up on and licked, damnit. I had a girlfriend that used to do that shit and it was tight. But it's hella weird being a grown ass man asking for it still. To be honest, I think guys' bodies are just as sensitive to touch as the ladies'. Getting kissed all over would be tight in general, maybe it's just me."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Colman Domingo’s Career Advice Is A Reminder That Our Words Shape Our Reality
When it comes to life, we are always here for a good reminder to shift our mindsets, and Colman Domingo just gave us one we didn't know we needed.
In a resurfaced clip from an appearance at NewFest shared as a repost via Micheaux Film Festival, the Emmy award winner dropped a gem on how he has navigated his decades-spanning career in Hollywood. The gem in question? Well, Colman has never identified with "struggle" in his career. Let that sit.
Colman Domingo On Not Claiming Struggle
"I’ve never said that this career was tough. I’ve never said it was difficult. I’ve never said it was hard," Colman said. "Other people would say that—‘oh, you're in a very difficult industry. It's very hard to get work and book work.’ I’m like, I’ve never believed that."
Instead of allowing himself to be defined by other people's projections about their perceptions of what the industry is or was, Colman dared to believe differently even if his reality was playing catch up with his dreams:
"Like Maya Angelou said words are things. And if you believe that, then that's actually what it is. Actually I've just never believed it. Someone told me some years ago, they said, 'I remember you were, you're a struggling actor.' I'm like, 'I don't.'"
"I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living..."
He continued:
"Even when I was bartending and hustling and not having opportunities or anything, I never believed that I was struggling because I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living and creating and being curious."
Colman’s philosophy of attaching to living instead of struggle has blossomed into an enduring career. He first made his mark on stage in acclaimed Broadway productions before transitioning to the screen, where his star began to rise in the 2010s following his role as Victor Strand in Fear The Walking Dead. From there, his presence only grew, landing memorable supporting roles in If Beale Street Could Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, and the hit series Euphoria.
In more recent years, Colman has stepped fully into the spotlight with standout leading performances in Rustin and Sing Sing, both of which earned him widespread critical acclaim and Academy Award nominations for Best Actor.
With all that said, Colman's advice is no doubt powerful, especially for those who are chasing their dreams, building something from the ground up, or have question marks about what's next in their careers. Words shape our realities, and how we speak about our journeys even in passing matters.
Words Create Our Reality & Colman Is Living Proof
"I tell young people that. To remember the words that you say about yourself and your career are true. So, I choose to make it full of light and love and it's interesting and every day I'm going to learn something new even if it looks like I don't have what I want but it's important to be in the moment... you really build on the moments moment to moment.
"And you're looking back at your career as I've been in it for what 33 years and you're like, 'Wow, that's what I've been doing.' And I've stayed strong to that so I think that is truly my advice."
Let this be your sign to give your path a reframe. When the path you're on feels uncertain, the journey is still unfolding. Like Colman said: "I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living."
That's a Black king right there.
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