3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist
For a decade, I loved a man who was handsome, charismatic, funny and, on the surface, close to ideal. If he were a record, that's the A-side. The B-side (the far less popular part) is he was also a commitment-phobe, emotionally unstable, dishonest, and someone who had the gift of blindsiding you in a way that was both amazing and disturbing simultaneously.
In short, he was a total narcissist. I didn't know what that word meant until I experienced it firsthand and then went to do some research on just what a narcissist is.
Because narcissists start off being mad charismatic and uber-charming, I genuinely didn't know I was falling for one. Over time, even though I saw signs that he was relatively unstable (he actually told me that I brought stability into his life) and, in hindsight, totally emotionally unavailable, I thought our "holding pattern" was because he needed more time…and in that time, if I loved him enough and tolerated enough, he'd come around.
NOPE. Narcissists never intend on settling down. Not really and truly. They are more about seeing who can meet their needs—whatever those needs are—then once they don't need that person to supply them anymore, they move on. Platonically, professionally, romantically. It really doesn't matter.
How do you spot a narcissist?
If a person love-bombs you and they they go ghost, they are a narcissist. If they hurt you and show absolutely no signs of remorse or regret, they are a narcissist. If you start to lose yourself trying to keep them happy, that's another big clue that they probably are a narcissist.
That said, if you've recently experienced a break-up with a friend or an ex and it feels particularly devastating, like nothing you've ever felt before, it could be because they were a narcissist—and you never knew it. While the aforementioned characteristics are some of the tell-tale signs of a textbook narcissist, there are some signs that aren't always obvious. What are they? Chile…
1.You're ALWAYS Doing Most of the Work, And They're OK With That
Narcissists are a trip. In their mind, they are so arrogant that they think that you should be so grateful to be a part of their world that it's a privilege to do most of the work in the relationship. They'll even take it a step further and act like the moment you ask them to meet some of your needs that you're being semi-ridiculous; that a mutual exchange of caring and sharing isn't what they signed up for, so you either need to smile about being their glorified servant or leave them in peace. Because a lot of them are attractive, charismatic, and have a great sense of humor, they trap you because you confuse charm with character (a sermon within itself) and so you just keep giving…and giving…and giving.
It's not until you ask them for more than just some drive-by time, attention, affection, gratitude, or reciprocity, and they act like you asked for their kidney that you start to realize something is "off". That things are only all good so long as they are good. Whether you're all right is totally irrelevant.
2.They NEVER Apologize, And You're OK With That
As someone who is also a marriage life coach, I can't tell you how many times one person has come to me with a laundry list of all the things their spouse is doing wrong, yet when I ask what they could improve on, I get the blank stare.
Listen, I've made a living putting pen to paper on the mistakes I've made in my relationships. "He" is no exception. But when I tell you that I can't recall ONE TIME when I told him about something he did that hurt me (like telling me he had feelings for someone else…on my birthday and then yelling at me about it later on…on the same birthday) did he meet with a response of "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" (which apparently is something narcissists hate to say)…NOT. ONE. TIME.
Unfortunately, a lot of us have so much pride that we don't want to apologize. That's not good, mature, or healthy though. Same goes for remaining in a relationship with someone who won't do it. Someone who refuses to humble themselves enough to acknowledge their offenses and then seek to make an amends.
Take it from me, if you're even remotely OK with being in a friendship/situationship/relationship with someone like that, you're definitely headed towards my next point. Because someone who doesn't see the err in their ways is someone who is, 9.5 times out of 10, going to repeat them. Totally at your expense. Unapologetically so.
3.You KEEP Taking Them Back, And The Same Crap Keeps Happening
I believe it's the YouTube channel Sarah Speaks that shares that typically people will go around and around with a narcissist for a whopping seven times (I did three; that was more than enough for me!) before they end it, go into deep depression, or consider suicide (no joke). It's not because they are "stupid" or "suckers". It's because while they may love you for the long haul, narcissists never intended on things working out; seemingly, from the get-go.
In fact, a lot of relationship coaches and therapists say that narcissists are so dysfunctional when it comes to intimacy that they go into friendships/situationships/relationships with an end date in mind. As soon as their "supply" (umm, that would be us) no longer serves them, they are ready to move on—no warning, no explanation, and definitely no remorse.
Because shame usually comes with being narcissistic, sometimes those of us who love them confuse that with them being repentant. But you see, repentance is about wanting to make an amends; shame is still all about self.
I gotta admit that it will be a while before I'm totally OK, but if there's a silver lining in that particular chapter of my life, it's that I can detect a narcissist a mile away now—arrogant, entitled, no empathy. Not all of the time but right when you need them to be anything BUT, they rise to the occasion and discard and dismiss you.
Trust me. If you're nodding your head because you can relate, you're not crazy.
You simply fell for a narcissist. Bless your heart. Literally.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 5 Signs Of Emotionally Unavailable Men - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 12 Ways To Get Over A Situationship - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Narcissist Personality Disorder: 20 Signs You Have It | Best Life ›
- Signs You're Dating a Narcissist | POPSUGAR Australia Love & Sex ›
- 21 signs you're a narcissist - Business Insider ›
- 14 Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist ›
- 13 Warning Signs You're Falling In Love With A Narcissist | Thought ... ›
- 8 Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist Who Specializes In Deep ›
- 10 Signs You're In Love With A Narcopath (Narcissist-Sociopath) ›
- 20 EXTREMELY Brutal Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist ... ›
- 10 Signs That You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist | Psychology ... ›
- 9 Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist | HuffPost ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images