As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was being redirected to something better. That quote? There are honestly so many people who are credited for saying it (Maya Angelou, Steve Maraboli, Imam Al Ghazali) that I don't know who to give it to. I'm using it because I honestly couldn't find a more appropriate way to start this piece off.
A couple of nights ago, while perusing the internet, I read two pieces that had the same theme albeit two different approaches. One was a Q&A about a woman who dated a guy who claimed to not believe in marriage. After six years of being together, they broke up, only for him to get engaged "10 seconds later". The other piece featured a letter that a woman wrote to her ex who chose to marry someone else.
In some ways, both articles were heart-wrenching. I think we all know what it's like to really want something (or someone), only to have things not turn out the way we wanted it (or even expected it) to. But as I thought about how the advice the first woman received was her needing to accept that it wasn't that the guy was opposed to marriage, it was that he didn't want to marry her (ouch), and how the second woman came to resolve of "If you would have stayed, I might have always believed that you were the best thing about me and never searched for more and found that it was always within myself all along," one overall conclusion came to my mind.
Life not going as planned can hurt. No doubt it. But you know what's so much worse? Putting all of your blood, sweat, tears and time into trying to make something work that simply isn't meant to be. Refusing to accept that no matter how much you love or desire something, you really should let it go.
How can you know if this is something you are in complete denial about?
5 Signs Something Isn't Meant To Be
1.You’re Changing the Very Core of Who You Are to Make It Work
Whenever a woman writes me to talk about how, in the midst of trying to make a relationship work or last, she feels like she's literally breaking her neck to make it happen, most times my response is "You only find yourself bending over backward when your bar is low."
I've been engaged before. Once. For a day. My fiancé passed back in 1995. We were both just 21. When I think back to what made him such a truly exceptional kind of man to love, it's that he celebrated every part of my being. He didn't want me to dress differently, lose (or gain) weight, like things I didn't like, or change my personality in order to be a better "fit" for him. He dug me. Head to toe. Inside and out. End of story.
I can't say that about some of the guys who followed him. One man, in particular, he was always dropping hints about liking longer hair, wishing that I was less outgoing and not quite so—he said militant but I'm gonna go with—Black (and yes, he is a Black man—SMH).
I loved him, so I looked at trying to accommodate his preferences as a form of compromise. Looking back, I was actually co-signing on him trying to change the very core of my being. Coming to that revelation was tough, but it taught me a very valuable lesson—however God made you, there is a purpose in it. Whatever and whoever is meant for you will not try and change you, they will complement and improve you.
Anything or one else? LET. IT. GO.
2.It Doesn’t Benefit Your Purpose in Any Real or Lasting Way
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OK, let's expound on that purpose point for just a second. How much time do you spend 1) focusing on why you exist and 2) making sure that you live that reason out to the fullest? Bookmark that for just a sec.
The first word that's used to define a woman in the Bible is "helper" (Genesis 2:18). If you look up the Hebrew word the helper, it's Ezer Kenegdo, which means "lifesaver" (dope, right?). As someone who does apply the Bible to her life, I think being designed to be a helper/lifesaver is a part of the reason why we, as women, go ALL IN for the men—shoot, the people in general—that we love. But I'm not ONLY here to help others. God gave me my own specific and individual purpose outside of supporting other people.
When it comes to romantic relationships, I've learned to accept that if a man doesn't wake up the queen in me, he's not my king. Meaning, if he's not someone who is using his gifts, resources, and time to help me to thrive as a woman, as I do the same for him, while he might be meant to be in my life in some sort of capacity, it's certainly not as a husband.
And you know what? This applies to all other sorts of dynamics as well—friendships, career paths, opportunities. If you keep putting yourself into people, places, things, and ideas that distract you from your purpose, you definitely need to do some personal reassessing. Life is way too short to be out here doing any and everything but what you were put/sent here to do in the first place.
3.Nothing You Do Is Ever Really Enough
The last official corporate job I had was processing contracts for a timeshare company almost 20 years ago. It didn't matter how early I arrived, how many contracts I processed, or how many times I skipped lunch to help someone out, one of my managers was always dissatisfied with my performance. The harder I tried, the more frustrated they got and the more stressed out I would become. This cycle continued until one day, I got fired.
To this day, that is the only time that has ever happened. When I walked out and sat in my car with a "What the heck was that?!" look on my face knowing that money was tight and rent was due, I thought it was one of the worst things to ever happen to me.
In hindsight, it was the direct opposite. It's one thing to be devoted or even to make sacrifices. It's another matter entirely when you find yourself giving your all and, whether it's a job or relationship, to others, it really doesn't matter.
Something that is meant to be will appreciate you and show it.
Something that isn't, won't.
4.Fear Rather Than (Self) Love Is the True Motivator
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A Vietnamese monk by the name of Thich Nhat Hanh once said, "Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future." I can't tell you how many relationships (friendships included) that I kept hanging onto, well past their shelf life, because I thought I was being loving when really what I was being was fearful. Either I was hanging on to the past parts when things were good or I was freaking out about what was in store for me if I moved on.
If you're staying with something or someone because you're scared of what will happen if you release it/them, that's usually a sign that you have an unhealthy attachment to it. True love is about growth, freedom, joy, flexibility, and even wisdom, mercy and grace. Fear doesn't exist well in any of those attributes.
A lot of people are currently in some pretty toxic situations, all because they are afraid of what life would look like if they removed themselves from them. But all fear does is make you worse, not better.
If fear is your motivation for anything, there's a good chance that while you may be trying to hang onto something (or one), it probably isn't meant to be.
5.You Lack Inner Peace
What comes to your mind when you think of peace? Stillness? Tranquility? No drama? All of those are great definitions but the Hebrew word "shalom" takes peace to an entirely different level! Shalom isn't just about quiet. It's about being whole, complete, and even content.
Looking back, there were so many things in my life that I was trying to force to be "meant to be" that had one blaring red flag that they weren't—I had no peace. They were fragmenting me, they were harming me and they certainly didn't bring a state of harmony and contentment to my health and well-being.
I know a lot of us want something to work out simply because we want it. But be thankful that God and the Universe love you far too much to allow that to happen.
When things seem like they're not working out, if it's based on the things that I just shared, give thanks. When something isn't meant to be, it's because something else is. Release so that you can ultimately receive.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy