Not too long ago, while looking around in Twitter world to see what was going on, I noticed a tweet that had me be like, "Yeah, I need to save that for personal reference and an xoNecole piece." To me, it was so good that I'm going to share the tweet itself. Are you ready to exhale in a way like you probably haven't in a really long time?
Y'all. Y'all. If there's one thing that can keep us caught up in the kind of unhealthy, counterproductive and emotionally dangerous relationships that are totally beneath our self-worth and extremely threatening to our purpose, it's allowing manipulation, control or even fear to serve as the motivation for remaining someplace that is toxic—or going back to something that is toxic. That tweet right there is a clear-cut example of how that can happen.
Another example is believing that you have to experience everything the hard way in order to learn what you need to know. That couldn't be further from the truth. Me? I'm a firm believer that one of the most underrated superpowers is discernment. And yes, there are some things—many things, actually—that you can avoid, simply by discerning that they aren't good for you; hopefully beforehand.
That said, if you're someone who has a tendency to constantly get into toxic relationships, have toxic friends or you're always caught up in some sort of drama with toxic family members, here are some telling signs to help you to finally break that cycle for good—whether it's your first time dealing with a toxic individual…or (le sigh) your umpteenth one.
So, how can you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you're about to let a toxic person into—or back into—your life?
Their Personality Impresses You More than Their Character Does
I promise you that if you get this one down right here, it will spare you from experiencing so much unnecessary stress. I can't tell you how many times in my life that I've encountered someone who is charismatic, funny, smart or all of the above, so I let them in more than I should have, only to find out that they were also shady, arrogant and opportunistic as hell. How did that happen? I allowed their personality to be more important to me than their character. If those two things seem one and the same to you—yeah, that's a part of the problem.
Someone's personality is basically what they lead with. By definition, it's "the visible aspect of one's character as it impresses others". I don't know about you, but the two words that stood out to me in that definition are "visible" and "impresses". Meanwhile, someone's character is their "moral or ethical quality". For years, I was literally embroiled with a user because while they were charming (personality), they were also extremely selfish (character).
Whether it's someone you've just met or someone you're considering letting back into your life, it will only benefit you to take a moment to make sure that the "gift" (their character) is indeed as beautiful as their "wrappings" (their personality).
They’ve Got a “Pop Off Spirit". Online and/or Offline.
Not too long ago, I was talking to someone who met another individual through me. As they were asking why we weren't close anymore, my response was two-fold. "I don't think that we were ever close so much as we were cool. But as I got to know that individual more, it just seemed like they could never take what they dish out. They also seem to have very little accountability in their life so, when someone brought something to their attention that could help them to become a better individual, they would go on the attack. I just don't really like being around someone who constantly has a 'pop off spirit'. It's draining." The older—and hopefully wiser—that I get, the more that fact rings true.
The Dalai Lama once said, "Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." Sometimes, the best way to do that is to send love and light to someone from afar. That said, if there is someone in your world who is always combative, always needs to have the last word, and/or always has a "word of wisdom" but can never receive it—whether it's online or off—not only does this show signs of leaning towards being narcissistic, a know-it-all and/or totally self-unaware, it can also serve as a heads up that they aren't going to bring peace into your life. If anything, they are gonna straight-up disrupt it. Often.
They Rarely Take Responsibility or Accountability for...Anything
I've got a family member who—give me a sec because I wanna make sure I am not exaggerating when I say this—has never apologized. Ever. You can catch them in something that is dead wrong and either they will go tit for tat with you on it—you know that, "Well, you do that too" game—or they will go into hard defensive mode, even ghosting you, if need be. Or, they will take the super manipulative route and be on some, "I'm sorry you pushed me to do that." What in the world?
None of us are perfect. This means that there are going to be times in our lives when we're going to need to take responsibility for the things that we've done wrong or we'll need to hold ourselves accountable to the things that someone has said offended them or hurt them in some way. If there's a person you're dealing with who has never done either of these things, even when you have brought wounds that they have caused to their attention, you are, as the elders say, "crusin' for a brusin'" if you keep them in your inner circle. Because, how can someone stop hurting or harming you if they refuse to even acknowledge that they did so? Which reminds me, please check out "If They Are Truly Sorry, They'll Do These 5 Things" when you get a chance. It's a reminder that someone who apologizes for doing wrong is humble and healthy. People who refuse to do so are the exact opposite.
They’re Extremely Prideful
One of my favorite movies of all time is The Devil's Advocate (a great scene is here). If there is a revolving theme throughout the entire film, it's what pride (and vanity) can do to a person if they don't get a hold of it. What are some of the signs of a pride-filled individual? The article "15 Subtle Signs of Pride In Your Life" offers up some real doozies—being unteachable; constantly talking about yourself; being overly-critical; not heeding the advice of others; always needing attention and affirmation; not respecting authority, and name-dropping are just a few of 'em.
Since I grew up in somewhat of an entertainment industry home and I then became an entertainment writer, I spent a lot of years not realizing just how prideful a lot of the people in my space actually were. The fallout from that is, you can't constantly be around folks with the "pride flu" and not catch some of their symptoms after a while.
On this side of self-awareness and healing, if there is one thing that I loathe and try to avoid being around (and being), it's pride. Aside from all of the other traits that I just shared, a prideful individual takes more than they will ever give. Not only that, but between them and their ego, there's not much room for real friends. Only fans.
You Can’t Immediately Name Five Ways They Benefit Your Life
A couple of days ago, I was sharing with a friend and his co-worker Aristotle's theory about all of us needing to have utility (work), pleasure (kick it) and good (character) friends. As they were discussing what they thought they were to each other, things got a little uncomfortable when my friend said to his co-worker that he saw him as a pleasure friend, not a good one. When his co-worker asked why, my friend (being the tell-it-like-it-is Gemini that he is) simply said, "My friends are people who make me a better person. Sure, you and I have a good time, but you're actually someone who tries to get me to do things that I'm trying to stop doing…like drinking." When the co-worker asked why they weren't at least utility friends, my friend followed that up with, "Dude. Since I've known you, I've covered you more times than I can remember when you come to work late. I've lost track of how much money I've lent you. You're good for a good time, but that's about it."
It's another message for another time, how many of us remain in unhealthy relationships with folks, and it's all because there's a disillusion that things are one way when they are totally different. But the main thing that I want you to get from this particular point is my friend didn't really share anything truly beneficial that his co-worker brings to his life—well, other than fun and being a "vice trigger" (if you consider that to be a good thing). Their lil' convo is a good reminder that if you can't think of the ways someone will influence and inspire you to be a better person (other than perhaps them being a cautionary tale in your life), this is just one more sign that they could very potentially be a toxic individual to you instead.
If They’re from Your Past—Nothing Seems Much Different in Y’all’s Present
A word that's oftentimes used when it comes to recycling is repurposing. An example of doing this is back in the day when I used to turn my jeans that were too short at the ankles or too tight around the thighs into a jean skirt. Anyway, the older that I get, the more I like to apply repurposing to my relationships as well.
It takes a lot of introspection and patience to come to this conclusion, but the truth of the matter is some folks don't need to be "cut out of our lives"; sometimes, time needs to be allowed for maturity, growth and maybe a little bit of forgiveness so that you can explore repurposing—"adapt for use in a different purpose"—the connection. A good example of this is how some people can remain friends with their ex or they're able to even consider bringing a former friend back into their lives again.
Repurposing is cool. So long as the new purpose is mutually beneficial. On the other hand, if you reconnect with someone and you see the same red flags in their being that caused the two of you to go separate ways to begin with, why in the world would you want to get back on that hamster wheel of toxicity?
I'll be honest. Something that I hate about social media is how folks tend to not extend the kind of mercy that they'd like to receive. What I mean by that is I know that I was a different person 10 years ago. To not allow me the space to evolve out of how I thought or acted a decade ago is…really sad (pretty unrealistic too). So no, I'm not of the full belief that because someone was once making poor choices or wasn't a good friend or partner that they are doomed to remain that way forever. Oh, but hear me out when I say, at the same time, while I try to extend the mercy to see if things are different, if I notice that they aren't, then I am being boo-boo the fool for allowing the toxicity back into my life. The motto isn't "once a cheater always a cheater". It's more like, "Once a cheater shows that they are still a cheater then I'm cheating myself to remain."
Same goes for you. If a once-upon-a-time toxic individual tries to enter back into your world, you are not weak, crazy or stupid for considering taking them back. Just make sure that you function from a place of guarding your heart, setting boundaries and allowing time to reveal what it needs to. If you see that they are still up to the same ole' same ole' but you romanticize or flat-out ignore this fact, not only is it a sign that you're allowing toxicity back, there is a chance that they will do more damage than before. Use discernment. Proceed with caution. Choose wisely. To a certain extent, the quality of your life depends on it. Real talk.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends
How I Handled Four Relationships That Totally Took Me For Granted
How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry
Feature image by Giphy
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
- 10 Signs You're In A Toxic Relationship - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Why You Shouldn't Recycle Relationships Friendships ›
- 7 Signs Someone Isn't Really Your Friend - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Why You Shouldn't Recycle Relationships Friendships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs Someone In Your Life Is Emotionally Draining - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them - ›
- Signs You're in a Toxic Work Environment — and How to Handle It ... ›
- 13 signs your friendship with someone is toxic ›
- Signs of a Toxic Person | How to Cut Toxic People from Your Life ›
- 9 signs you've become a toxic person ›
- 6 Early Warning Signs You're Dealing With a Toxic Person ... ›
- 5 Signs You're In A Dangerous Trauma Bond With A Toxic Person ... ›
- 15 Warning Signs You're Dealing with a Toxic Person ›
- 5 Signs You're Dating a Toxic Person (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy) ›
- Toxic people: 10 things they do and how to deal with them - Hack Spirit ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
___
Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock