Not too long ago, while looking around in Twitter world to see what was going on, I noticed a tweet that had me be like, "Yeah, I need to save that for personal reference and an xoNecole piece." To me, it was so good that I'm going to share the tweet itself. Are you ready to exhale in a way like you probably haven't in a really long time?
Y'all. Y'all. If there's one thing that can keep us caught up in the kind of unhealthy, counterproductive and emotionally dangerous relationships that are totally beneath our self-worth and extremely threatening to our purpose, it's allowing manipulation, control or even fear to serve as the motivation for remaining someplace that is toxic—or going back to something that is toxic. That tweet right there is a clear-cut example of how that can happen.
Another example is believing that you have to experience everything the hard way in order to learn what you need to know. That couldn't be further from the truth. Me? I'm a firm believer that one of the most underrated superpowers is discernment. And yes, there are some things—many things, actually—that you can avoid, simply by discerning that they aren't good for you; hopefully beforehand.
That said, if you're someone who has a tendency to constantly get into toxic relationships, have toxic friends or you're always caught up in some sort of drama with toxic family members, here are some telling signs to help you to finally break that cycle for good—whether it's your first time dealing with a toxic individual…or (le sigh) your umpteenth one.
So, how can you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you're about to let a toxic person into—or back into—your life?
Their Personality Impresses You More than Their Character Does
I promise you that if you get this one down right here, it will spare you from experiencing so much unnecessary stress. I can't tell you how many times in my life that I've encountered someone who is charismatic, funny, smart or all of the above, so I let them in more than I should have, only to find out that they were also shady, arrogant and opportunistic as hell. How did that happen? I allowed their personality to be more important to me than their character. If those two things seem one and the same to you—yeah, that's a part of the problem.
Someone's personality is basically what they lead with. By definition, it's "the visible aspect of one's character as it impresses others". I don't know about you, but the two words that stood out to me in that definition are "visible" and "impresses". Meanwhile, someone's character is their "moral or ethical quality". For years, I was literally embroiled with a user because while they were charming (personality), they were also extremely selfish (character).
Whether it's someone you've just met or someone you're considering letting back into your life, it will only benefit you to take a moment to make sure that the "gift" (their character) is indeed as beautiful as their "wrappings" (their personality).
They’ve Got a “Pop Off Spirit". Online and/or Offline.
Not too long ago, I was talking to someone who met another individual through me. As they were asking why we weren't close anymore, my response was two-fold. "I don't think that we were ever close so much as we were cool. But as I got to know that individual more, it just seemed like they could never take what they dish out. They also seem to have very little accountability in their life so, when someone brought something to their attention that could help them to become a better individual, they would go on the attack. I just don't really like being around someone who constantly has a 'pop off spirit'. It's draining." The older—and hopefully wiser—that I get, the more that fact rings true.
The Dalai Lama once said, "Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." Sometimes, the best way to do that is to send love and light to someone from afar. That said, if there is someone in your world who is always combative, always needs to have the last word, and/or always has a "word of wisdom" but can never receive it—whether it's online or off—not only does this show signs of leaning towards being narcissistic, a know-it-all and/or totally self-unaware, it can also serve as a heads up that they aren't going to bring peace into your life. If anything, they are gonna straight-up disrupt it. Often.
They Rarely Take Responsibility or Accountability for...Anything
I've got a family member who—give me a sec because I wanna make sure I am not exaggerating when I say this—has never apologized. Ever. You can catch them in something that is dead wrong and either they will go tit for tat with you on it—you know that, "Well, you do that too" game—or they will go into hard defensive mode, even ghosting you, if need be. Or, they will take the super manipulative route and be on some, "I'm sorry you pushed me to do that." What in the world?
None of us are perfect. This means that there are going to be times in our lives when we're going to need to take responsibility for the things that we've done wrong or we'll need to hold ourselves accountable to the things that someone has said offended them or hurt them in some way. If there's a person you're dealing with who has never done either of these things, even when you have brought wounds that they have caused to their attention, you are, as the elders say, "crusin' for a brusin'" if you keep them in your inner circle. Because, how can someone stop hurting or harming you if they refuse to even acknowledge that they did so? Which reminds me, please check out "If They Are Truly Sorry, They'll Do These 5 Things" when you get a chance. It's a reminder that someone who apologizes for doing wrong is humble and healthy. People who refuse to do so are the exact opposite.
They’re Extremely Prideful
One of my favorite movies of all time is The Devil's Advocate (a great scene is here). If there is a revolving theme throughout the entire film, it's what pride (and vanity) can do to a person if they don't get a hold of it. What are some of the signs of a pride-filled individual? The article "15 Subtle Signs of Pride In Your Life" offers up some real doozies—being unteachable; constantly talking about yourself; being overly-critical; not heeding the advice of others; always needing attention and affirmation; not respecting authority, and name-dropping are just a few of 'em.
Since I grew up in somewhat of an entertainment industry home and I then became an entertainment writer, I spent a lot of years not realizing just how prideful a lot of the people in my space actually were. The fallout from that is, you can't constantly be around folks with the "pride flu" and not catch some of their symptoms after a while.
On this side of self-awareness and healing, if there is one thing that I loathe and try to avoid being around (and being), it's pride. Aside from all of the other traits that I just shared, a prideful individual takes more than they will ever give. Not only that, but between them and their ego, there's not much room for real friends. Only fans.
You Can’t Immediately Name Five Ways They Benefit Your Life
A couple of days ago, I was sharing with a friend and his co-worker Aristotle's theory about all of us needing to have utility (work), pleasure (kick it) and good (character) friends. As they were discussing what they thought they were to each other, things got a little uncomfortable when my friend said to his co-worker that he saw him as a pleasure friend, not a good one. When his co-worker asked why, my friend (being the tell-it-like-it-is Gemini that he is) simply said, "My friends are people who make me a better person. Sure, you and I have a good time, but you're actually someone who tries to get me to do things that I'm trying to stop doing…like drinking." When the co-worker asked why they weren't at least utility friends, my friend followed that up with, "Dude. Since I've known you, I've covered you more times than I can remember when you come to work late. I've lost track of how much money I've lent you. You're good for a good time, but that's about it."
It's another message for another time, how many of us remain in unhealthy relationships with folks, and it's all because there's a disillusion that things are one way when they are totally different. But the main thing that I want you to get from this particular point is my friend didn't really share anything truly beneficial that his co-worker brings to his life—well, other than fun and being a "vice trigger" (if you consider that to be a good thing). Their lil' convo is a good reminder that if you can't think of the ways someone will influence and inspire you to be a better person (other than perhaps them being a cautionary tale in your life), this is just one more sign that they could very potentially be a toxic individual to you instead.
If They’re from Your Past—Nothing Seems Much Different in Y’all’s Present
A word that's oftentimes used when it comes to recycling is repurposing. An example of doing this is back in the day when I used to turn my jeans that were too short at the ankles or too tight around the thighs into a jean skirt. Anyway, the older that I get, the more I like to apply repurposing to my relationships as well.
It takes a lot of introspection and patience to come to this conclusion, but the truth of the matter is some folks don't need to be "cut out of our lives"; sometimes, time needs to be allowed for maturity, growth and maybe a little bit of forgiveness so that you can explore repurposing—"adapt for use in a different purpose"—the connection. A good example of this is how some people can remain friends with their ex or they're able to even consider bringing a former friend back into their lives again.
Repurposing is cool. So long as the new purpose is mutually beneficial. On the other hand, if you reconnect with someone and you see the same red flags in their being that caused the two of you to go separate ways to begin with, why in the world would you want to get back on that hamster wheel of toxicity?
I'll be honest. Something that I hate about social media is how folks tend to not extend the kind of mercy that they'd like to receive. What I mean by that is I know that I was a different person 10 years ago. To not allow me the space to evolve out of how I thought or acted a decade ago is…really sad (pretty unrealistic too). So no, I'm not of the full belief that because someone was once making poor choices or wasn't a good friend or partner that they are doomed to remain that way forever. Oh, but hear me out when I say, at the same time, while I try to extend the mercy to see if things are different, if I notice that they aren't, then I am being boo-boo the fool for allowing the toxicity back into my life. The motto isn't "once a cheater always a cheater". It's more like, "Once a cheater shows that they are still a cheater then I'm cheating myself to remain."
Same goes for you. If a once-upon-a-time toxic individual tries to enter back into your world, you are not weak, crazy or stupid for considering taking them back. Just make sure that you function from a place of guarding your heart, setting boundaries and allowing time to reveal what it needs to. If you see that they are still up to the same ole' same ole' but you romanticize or flat-out ignore this fact, not only is it a sign that you're allowing toxicity back, there is a chance that they will do more damage than before. Use discernment. Proceed with caution. Choose wisely. To a certain extent, the quality of your life depends on it. Real talk.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends
How I Handled Four Relationships That Totally Took Me For Granted
How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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