Not many moons ago, society would've deemed Rihanna a maneater.
Hell, I'm willing to bet there are probably some people who would say the same thing at this very moment as news has broken that Rihanna has allegedly broken the heart of another man, and a billionaire at that. The public will hang onto the words of Media Takeout's source who claimed:
"It was a good relationship, but now it's over. Of course Rihanna broke his heart. That's what she does: break[s] men's hearts. Rihanna just got tired of him. She gets tired of men sometimes."
With that, can we take a moment of silence just so that the people in the back can hear my sigh of disappointment at this sexist logic? Okay. Now that we've done this, let us carry on because I'm about to count all of the ways that Rihanna is one of the best role models on the scene right now and not just for black women, but for women of all ethnicities.
I've said on several occasions that I prefer Rihanna over Beyonce, simply because it's abundantly clear that she practices what she preaches via lyricism. She embodies her art and the message that it sends, which if we're being frank can be summarized in four small words: eff you, pay me.
Rihanna is about her coin and while she's in the zone, men are secondary to that.
She has learned the lesson many of us are still trying to master and it's that we should be content with focusing on our goals, happiness, and financial security. The men and love? That stuff will follow effortlessly once we put more energy into wholly filling our own cups. Furthermore, being single is not something to be ashamed of but something to celebrate and a time to enjoy, regardless of what your end goal is.
Through thick and thin, Rihanna has taught us so damn much about love and is goals for our inner girl bosses dying to break free of the f*ckery of social conditioning. So, let's get into it with these 5 things that we can learn about love from the Queen Rih.
1. Men Come and Go. Independence is Forever.
Being a modern woman is met with the conundrum of being told to have our own in one breath, but then having the world and the media criticize women for taking the necessary steps to secure their own. We suddenly become "too" independent, right? Which is why the fact that Rihanna has a bag and a half all by her damn self is not enough, the media is fixated on the fact that she had the audacity to end things with her wealthy boyfriend.
Apparently women should find the company of men desirable in the presence of a big bank. Ever since her futile relationship with Chris Brown back in the day, Rihanna has spent a great amount of time denouncing love (remember the "Eff love" interview?) for the time being and working to build an empire of her own, through entertainment and fashion alike. She is, if nothing else, a role model and lesson in independence.
All too often the world we live in tells us that we should have a man to take care of us, back us, and love us. Rih has taught us that the only person you need for all of the above is your damn self.
2. Sensuality is Not a Sin.
Post-"Pon De Replay" Rihanna is all sex, unapologetic, and has no f*cks to give any hater. Black women are historically condemned for the way they choose to be sexual -- you're a hoe or you're a prude. And, unlike our white counterparts, we can never simply just be and live in the sexual truth of our desires. Everything about Rihanna helps to silence the shame surrounding black women's sexuality. She's got each of us chanting how amazing sex with us is and she's created an equally saucy lingerie line that helps to reinforce the sexiness of black women by catering to all shapes and sizes. I could go on all day here, but really, her sexual empowerment speaks for itself.
3. You're More Than Any One Man. You're the (Wom)Man.
With a very public and messy parting with Chris, we got a glimpse of how Rihanna rebuilt herself after the on-again-off-again relationship. And then, we rooted on an annual basis for her and Drake to make things official because bigger than finding a man with deep pockets is the emphasis on asking women to choose a good man. We spun the "good guy" storyline super hard when she curved Drake upon professing his love to her on national TV, without considering how embarrassing that was for Rihanna, until she copped to it her Vogue interview. We often guilt trip women when they admit to the disconnect they feel with men because they might be the one. We insist that they force an attraction because they're being "too picky" all in the name of keeping a proclaimed "good guy." We chose to ignore that all of the signs pointed to a greater disinterest in Drake, rather than interest (as she's been curving him for years).
However, she has seemingly never let her choices in men or men's choices in her to put a value on her worth. She's realized early on that her worth is not tied up into any one man or the perception of that man. This makes it easier for her to walk away when her gut speaks to her, like it does for so many of us. Bringing me to this next point:
4. Settle for Nothing or No One
Call it breaking hearts or whatever, but Rihanna has the balls (and rightfully so) to do what so many people refuse to do, and that's let someone go instead of feigning interest that's just not there. Even as we see Rih dating, it's clear that she still has one focus and one priority: her happiness. You can't achieve happiness by staying in relationships that no longer serve you whether that be socially, romantically, spiritually, or any other way you deem necessary. Stop settling for men when you see red flags. Stop settling for men just because they feed you (and that's literally the only thing you enjoy about them). Stop settling for unhappiness, in hopes of garnering it through men. Stop settling, period.
5. Single and Shame Are Not Synonymous
Last but not least, stop being ashamed of your single status. Whether you hope to attain a relationship or not, your singledom does not need to be explained to a soul. Our ancestors fought too damn hard for us to not enjoy the perks of being a working woman, so really let's take this time to do so. Like Rihanna, we can have the pick of the litter when we're genuinely ready for it.
But, what we're not going to do is allow the shame of being single force us into relationships that just don't fit. Rih has always been an advocate for singledom. In fact, during a 2015 interview with Elle, Rihanna said she'd wait forever before she settles for some hot ass mess of a man and I feel that those words were genuine. She's always seemed comfortable and unbothered by being single. That's something that feels very difficult for women at times, myself included.
Nonetheless, we too must learn to trust the process.
Featured image by Giphy
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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