5 Lessons In Love & Self That Rihanna’s Taught Us Through Her Relationships
Not many moons ago, society would've deemed Rihanna a maneater.
Hell, I'm willing to bet there are probably some people who would say the same thing at this very moment as news has broken that Rihanna has allegedly broken the heart of another man, and a billionaire at that. The public will hang onto the words of Media Takeout's source who claimed:
"It was a good relationship, but now it's over. Of course Rihanna broke his heart. That's what she does: break[s] men's hearts. Rihanna just got tired of him. She gets tired of men sometimes."
With that, can we take a moment of silence just so that the people in the back can hear my sigh of disappointment at this sexist logic? Okay. Now that we've done this, let us carry on because I'm about to count all of the ways that Rihanna is one of the best role models on the scene right now and not just for black women, but for women of all ethnicities.
I've said on several occasions that I prefer Rihanna over Beyonce, simply because it's abundantly clear that she practices what she preaches via lyricism. She embodies her art and the message that it sends, which if we're being frank can be summarized in four small words: eff you, pay me.
Rihanna is about her coin and while she's in the zone, men are secondary to that.
She has learned the lesson many of us are still trying to master and it's that we should be content with focusing on our goals, happiness, and financial security. The men and love? That stuff will follow effortlessly once we put more energy into wholly filling our own cups. Furthermore, being single is not something to be ashamed of but something to celebrate and a time to enjoy, regardless of what your end goal is.
Through thick and thin, Rihanna has taught us so damn much about love and is goals for our inner girl bosses dying to break free of the f*ckery of social conditioning. So, let's get into it with these 5 things that we can learn about love from the Queen Rih.
1. Men Come and Go. Independence is Forever.
Being a modern woman is met with the conundrum of being told to have our own in one breath, but then having the world and the media criticize women for taking the necessary steps to secure their own. We suddenly become "too" independent, right? Which is why the fact that Rihanna has a bag and a half all by her damn self is not enough, the media is fixated on the fact that she had the audacity to end things with her wealthy boyfriend.
Apparently women should find the company of men desirable in the presence of a big bank. Ever since her futile relationship with Chris Brown back in the day, Rihanna has spent a great amount of time denouncing love (remember the "Eff love" interview?) for the time being and working to build an empire of her own, through entertainment and fashion alike. She is, if nothing else, a role model and lesson in independence.
All too often the world we live in tells us that we should have a man to take care of us, back us, and love us. Rih has taught us that the only person you need for all of the above is your damn self.
2. Sensuality is Not a Sin.
Post-"Pon De Replay" Rihanna is all sex, unapologetic, and has no f*cks to give any hater. Black women are historically condemned for the way they choose to be sexual -- you're a hoe or you're a prude. And, unlike our white counterparts, we can never simply just be and live in the sexual truth of our desires. Everything about Rihanna helps to silence the shame surrounding black women's sexuality. She's got each of us chanting how amazing sex with us is and she's created an equally saucy lingerie line that helps to reinforce the sexiness of black women by catering to all shapes and sizes. I could go on all day here, but really, her sexual empowerment speaks for itself.
3. You're More Than Any One Man. You're the (Wom)Man.
With a very public and messy parting with Chris, we got a glimpse of how Rihanna rebuilt herself after the on-again-off-again relationship. And then, we rooted on an annual basis for her and Drake to make things official because bigger than finding a man with deep pockets is the emphasis on asking women to choose a good man. We spun the "good guy" storyline super hard when she curved Drake upon professing his love to her on national TV, without considering how embarrassing that was for Rihanna, until she copped to it her Vogue interview. We often guilt trip women when they admit to the disconnect they feel with men because they might be the one. We insist that they force an attraction because they're being "too picky" all in the name of keeping a proclaimed "good guy." We chose to ignore that all of the signs pointed to a greater disinterest in Drake, rather than interest (as she's been curving him for years).
However, she has seemingly never let her choices in men or men's choices in her to put a value on her worth. She's realized early on that her worth is not tied up into any one man or the perception of that man. This makes it easier for her to walk away when her gut speaks to her, like it does for so many of us. Bringing me to this next point:
4. Settle for Nothing or No One
Call it breaking hearts or whatever, but Rihanna has the balls (and rightfully so) to do what so many people refuse to do, and that's let someone go instead of feigning interest that's just not there. Even as we see Rih dating, it's clear that she still has one focus and one priority: her happiness. You can't achieve happiness by staying in relationships that no longer serve you whether that be socially, romantically, spiritually, or any other way you deem necessary. Stop settling for men when you see red flags. Stop settling for men just because they feed you (and that's literally the only thing you enjoy about them). Stop settling for unhappiness, in hopes of garnering it through men. Stop settling, period.
5. Single and Shame Are Not Synonymous
Last but not least, stop being ashamed of your single status. Whether you hope to attain a relationship or not, your singledom does not need to be explained to a soul. Our ancestors fought too damn hard for us to not enjoy the perks of being a working woman, so really let's take this time to do so. Like Rihanna, we can have the pick of the litter when we're genuinely ready for it.
But, what we're not going to do is allow the shame of being single force us into relationships that just don't fit. Rih has always been an advocate for singledom. In fact, during a 2015 interview with Elle, Rihanna said she'd wait forever before she settles for some hot ass mess of a man and I feel that those words were genuine. She's always seemed comfortable and unbothered by being single. That's something that feels very difficult for women at times, myself included.
Nonetheless, we too must learn to trust the process.
Featured image by Giphy
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images