I'm Finally On The Road To Healing After Having A Miscarriage At 20 Weeks
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer. If you have a story you'd like to share but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
This is Rah Ali's story, as told to Taylor Honore.
As strong as I am as a person; as a woman, the one thing I was always scared of was having a baby. Although I knew that I wanted to have a child, finding out that I was pregnant was still a very scary moment because it was like, it's happening; it's now. So, I needed to adjust myself.
After I got confirmation, I finally accepted it, and I was really happy. But I was also really scared. And then, once I started to get into it, I would watch my stomach, looking for some type of change in my body.
I felt it before I saw it physically.
From there, I was focused on making sure that that this child was stable. I wanted to make sure that I lived away from any type of chaos. I wanted to make sure that she had a big bedroom and she had a playroom. All the things that I didn't need when it was just me, I wanted to make sure that she had. So, I started the process of buying a house and also made sure that I changed the way I was eating. It's just so different. You don't just think about yourself anymore, you really just think about your kid.
I'm a planner and a person who writes down everything and tries my hardest to control the flow of things. I did a lot of planning, but what happened next in my life was something I couldn't prepare for or control.
On May 26, five months into my pregnancy, I suffered a miscarriage.
I was halfway through my pregnancy and I remember I had this app on my phone that would tell me every single week what was happening in my body. I feel like the hardest part was accepting that my daughter is completely... that there is no more. Although I know she's always with me, I just feel like we were like on a journey together and I was excited to meet her. It's hard accepting that she's not here.
After the loss of my child, I overanalyzed everything because I'm not a very vulnerable person… ever. That was really the first time that I got to see myself in that state because things really genuinely don't bother me.
That was the first time I could really say, okay, I'm messed up right now. I'm broken. This is really bad. This is horrible. I can't even breathe. I can't even talk. I can't even, I can't, I can't even believe this. Now there's no, "I'm just going to be hard and strong and I'm the rock that's holding everybody else up."
It just took me to a place where I knew that I needed to prioritize what was important and who was there the most.
At this point in my pregnancy loss journey, I just want to get through it.
I want to work on talking about the healing process because hopefully, that's something that could be helpful to someone else. This is something that's very common, which is something I didn't know and I'm trying to do my part in actually bringing awareness to it because people don't really realize how often it happens. At least if you're informed, you can deal with what you have to deal with. It's not like it won't hurt you, but you at least you'd understand that this is something that can happen. And I wasn't aware of that.
What I'd tell the next woman trying to heal after pregnancy loss is to go to therapy. Talk about what you're feeling. Don't bottle up your emotions, express them and just keep faith. Throughout this experience, there has not been one time where I've questioned God's will. I'm healthy and able to get up and work towards my goals.
You cannot feel sorry for yourself because you're experienced in life.
We jump for joy and thank God when things are great and expect that nothing is going happen in life that you don't agree with or don't think is fair. I think we all experience hardship and we all experience lessons and we need to be thankful for them all and be able to take the good and the bad from it. I can only say what my experience was, which is actually talking, actually crying and working through it. It's nothing that anyone else can do.
You have to work through it. Know that you will get through it and that there will be brighter days ahead.
For more of Rah Ali, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Rah Ali.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images