My self-esteem took a hard hit when my ex-partner expressed to me mid-argument that he didn’t have sex with me often because there was a smell. This was one of the lowest moments in our relationship and, I thought, for me. However, the only thing that made me feel worse was him expressing it again midway through sex. Though the first strike for sure makes him an asshole, I realized the second time that this wasn’t his intent…to be an asshole. And, yet, I felt worse than when he had announced it during our heated argument.
What I came to realize is that so many people are unaware of how to communicate in regards to sex and especially when it’s an uncomfortable truth. This actually shouldn’t come as much of a surprise seeing as though honest and healthy communication, in general, is really hard to come by amongst humans. Everyone always says, “Please, tell me if my breath stinks,” and I’m sure the same goes for other bodily dysfunctions. I think we all would want to know rather than be held in the dark for this discovery to be made amongst multiple people before the news is finally broken to you.
And, I too, am a part of that camp! I would like to know, truly. Especially because upon my ex telling me, I realized I wasn’t paranoid when I thought this might be the reason other partners had ghosted me. (It turns out, it was a super strain of a yeast infection and bacterial vaginosis, which took me so long to discover due to a major run around from multiple testing sites including being told there was nothing off or being misdiagnosed with sexually transmitted infections.)
Of course, this certainly doesn’t mean hearing uncomfortable truths will be easy. So, wherein lies the problem with how my partner expressed his concerns? The first one is glaringly obvious but the second was a part of my initial epiphany regarding communication: people think it’s okay to communicate this type of discomfort during sex and it’s simply not. Sex, sans hookup culture (now inherently toxic and dismissive), is supposed to be one of the safest spaces for you and your partner.
As it is the space where you will be most vulnerable–bearing all of your potential insecurities and humanness. There is a time and a place for everything, it’s important that we learn when that time is the bedroom and when it is not.
When to Talk About Sex & Intimacy Problems With Your Partner
Communicate anything uncomfortable after sex, during aftercare, or soon after the event so you are able to provide your partner with detail while making them aware. All too often, people bring up their grievances weeks later, and by that time they may not be able to recount all the details. Just because you don’t bring it up during sex doesn’t mean you should avoid doing it while it’s fresh.
In the instance with my partner, he had noticed the smell for months but hadn’t said anything, so the time for that discussion would’ve ideally been prior to him initiating sex. For example, if this is your first time experiencing something like body odor, perhaps you can alternatively and (again) gently shut down the sex and have this discussion then.
When I say "don’t communicate things during sex," that is not synonymous with "do not communicate inappropriate behaviors during sex." If it crosses boundaries and makes you feel unsafe – THAT should be communicated during sex. As previously stated, sex is a vulnerable space and should be one where both parties feel seen, felt, heard, and most of all, safe. According to SHAPE, sexual boundaries can look like this:
- Having a safe word or phrase that effectively communicates to your partner that a sexual boundary has been crossed. This can be as simple as "Stop," or "Let's take a break."
- Getting tested for STIs and STDs before and after introducing a new sexual partner;
- Deciding when or how you'd prefer to send nudes or if you want to send them at all;
- Choosing when and how you'd like to partake in oral sex with a new and/or untested partner;
- Being specific about the types of sex you want to have;
- Communicating the kinds of positions you want to do and the kinds you rather not do;
- Having limits around how many fingers you'd like during fingering and/or your preference for where those fingers go;
- Expressing enthusiastic interest in some types of stimulation versus others (i.e. wanting butt play but not anal sex);
- Declining to engage in acts that feel demeaning or that bring back trauma for you (i.e. rough sex, spanking, certain trigger words, etc.)
How to Communicate Your Sexual Needs During Sex
While there is a time and a place to ideally talk about uncomfortable topics with your partner, this doesn’t mean shying away from communicating what you need during sex when possible. This is tricky since the line is so thin between uncomfortable topics like body odor and uncomfortable topics like your partner licking the wrong spot or needing them to adjust in order to feel more pleasure. In this case, discernment is key. Tone is also key. It’s more than okay to redirect your partner in regards to your pleasure via touch or verbal cues.
If, however, it’s something that isn’t being translated properly through gentle signaling, you might want to hold off on having this conversation during sex. If you need to stop sex because you're uncomfortable, don't be afraid to advocate for yourself and your needs. Save the sex and intimacy problems talk for a time where the conversation can be had delicately and from a space of openness and understanding.
If communicating uncomfortable topics feels impossible, I would explore the type of foundation that was created for communication going into the relationship. Question what feels most difficult about responding and possibly consider alternatives such as writing a letter expressing concerns. But, know, that it is critical to the survival of your relationship that you express even the most uncomfortable of circumstances.
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Those rumors were more than laid to rest when Jodie and Joshua went to the 2023 Oscars together earlier this year, and even more recently, when they celebrated her birthday together last month during the September unveiling of the Lotus Emeya.
Jodie Turner-Smith celebrates her birthday with husband Joshua Jackson at the unveiling of the new fully-electric Lotus Emeya on September 07, 2023 in New York City.
Brian Ach/Getty Images for Lotus
Despite seeming particularly happy and in love, perhaps the writing was already written on the wall even then. In the past, Jodie has been very celebratory publicly about her love for her estranged husband, even boldly recounting their love story for the books in a 2021 interview with Seth Meyers.
When Jodie and Joshua met, it was while at his birthday party in 2018. Their relationship was hot and heavy from the start, with Jodie openly noting that they began as a "one-night stand." During her 2021 interview with Seth Meyers, she jokingly referred to their love story as a "three-year one-night stand." She shared:
"First of all, I saw him before he saw me and when I saw him, I was like, 'I want that.' And then when he saw me, I just pretended like I didn't see him. He had to yell across the room to me, and I was wearing this T-shirt from a movie called Sorry to Bother You and [actress] Tessa Thompson plays a character called Detroit, and she has this T-shirt that says, 'The Future Is Female Ejaculation.'
"And so, he shouts across the room, 'Detroit!' He comes over and… does this really cute, charming thing that he does and just all night -- he just basically followed me around the party."
The couple were together from that moment forth, and even made things "Instagram official" less than two weeks later while on a dinner date. Joshua would later clarify to Insider that the night they met in 2018 was not a 'one-night stand' or a 'three-year one-night stand' like his then-wife joked but instead, it was "technically a three-night stand."
"It was sealed with a kiss that night and then we didn't leave each other's sides for, well, three years now," Joshua continued at the time.
In a July 2021 interview with Jimmy Fallon, Joshua dropped more details about the why behind getting married. He revealed that he didn't know he wanted to get married to Jodie until "the moment she asked me."
"She asked me on New Year's Eve. We were in Nicaragua. It was very beautiful, incredibly romantic, we were walking down the beach and she asked me to marry her."
He added, "I did not know [she would propose], but she was quite adamant and she was right. This is the best choice I ever made."
Joshua Jackson Reveals Jodie Turner-Smith Proposed To Him
Jodie received quite a bit of flack for proposing to Joshua because it goes against tradition and what society sees as acceptable for a woman to do to a man, and proposing isn't one of them. No matter how much time has passed, the viewpoints around who should do the proposing and who should be proposed to are still very traditional.
After being on the receiving end of such backlash, Joshua would later clarify to the media in a separate interview that it wasn't just Jodie's proposal to him that sealed the deal of them getting married, he proposed to her too. She might have initiated it, but Joshua followed through.
"I accidentally threw my wife under the bus because that story was told quickly and it didn't give the full context and holy Jesus, the internet is racist and misogynist," he explained to Refinery29 that same year. "We were in Nicaragua on a beautiful moonlit night, it could not possibly have been more romantic."
David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images
He continued, "And yes, my wife did propose to me and yes, I did say yes, but what I didn't say in that interview was there was a caveat, which is that I'm still old school enough that I said, 'This is a yes, but you have to give me the opportunity [to do it too].'"
"She has a biological father and a stepdad, who's the man who raised her. [I said], 'You have to give me the opportunity to ask both of those men for your hand in marriage.' And then, 'I would like the opportunity to re-propose to you and do it the old-fashioned way down on bended knee.' So, that's actually how the story ended up."
Joshua and Jodie would eventually marry in December 2019. Shortly thereafter, Jodie gave birth to the couple's first child, Janie, in 2020.
In a recent interview with Elle UK, Jodie shared the ways becoming a mother to Juno helped to heal her of her wounds from colorism she experienced in the past. "It's interesting because I had a lot of resistance to becoming a mother and, throughout my life, I always said if I were to have children, I wanted to have Black, Black babies so that I could affirm them as children with the love that I felt I needed to have been affirmed with by the outside world," Jodie shared with the outlet.
She continued, "Then I fell in love with my husband and we talked about having kids. I did have this mini pause, where I was like, 'She's going to be walking through the world not only having an experience that I did not have, but looking like people that, in a way, I'd always felt a little bit tormented by.' Now that I've got this little, tiny, light-skinned boss, I feel like it’s the universe teaching me lessons. I've been given a daughter who looks this way to heal my own conversations around colorism."
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