My Father Taught Me Love Is A Hell Of A Drug
You fell in love with the word long ago. You watched the movies and figured out that was something you wanted. You didn't realize that you had, early on, fallen into an addiction that you'd spend your life looking for.
You looked for it in the eyes of your father. Prided yourself in being daddy's little girl.
You lived for his laugh and nod of approval like an addict.
The mere acknowledgment of your presence and masquerade of acceptance was enough of a hit to keep you pushing until the next time. You didn't know you were the daughter of a drug addict, because he hid it so well that you didn't realize when you visited his friends and he left you in the car, you were at a crack house.
You were the daughter of a narcissistic abuser who you watched beat your mother so often that you thought it was normal behavior and that everyone's parents did that.
You were the daughter of a man who hated women. Who wanted your fear and compliance - and wasn't afraid to tell you so.
You wore your hair the way he did it. You wore what he picked out. You were a good girl and yet...he'd take everything from you - your will, your money, your credit, the love for your mother, the baby from your stomach...and would give nothing in return.
Love never lived there and now you know it.
You looked for it in the eyes of every boyfriend you ever had. In their arms. Inevitably in the backseats of their cars and in their beds. You always did take pride in belonging to someone. You had been trained to be a possession and not a person. You would carry that into a marriage to who you thought was a savior.
You'd put him on a pedestal and pray to him as a god.
You'd worship him at the altar of love that you built, no matter how many times he kicked it down. You'd just rebuild it.
You'd hold on to the idea that love would conquer all, even though you watched it die on the battlefield over and over. You would still rally the troops. You'd give the Independence Day speech. The Braveheart speech. You'd find every reason that you complicated this. You blamed yourself for his indiscretions.
And you stayed.
You thought you would endure every storm because sacrificing yourself in the name of this idea of love was more important than act of actually being loved. You would lift your face in prayer to God with a tear strewn face and say that you knew this wasn't what love was supposed to be like...and you would stay.
You'd work yourself to death so you wouldn't feel the pain. But still it filled within you until you were filled with so much pain, you overflowed.
You had a nervous breakdown and your sisters and your mothers would tell you they were scared you'd kill him when in all actuality, you thought that you'd be the one to die.
Then one day, you stop looking for love.
You looked for strength. And you find it. And it's more than enough to empower you to snatch your life from the jaws of defeat. You see yourself as a person, not a possession. You no longer want to belong to anyone because you belong to yourself. And then you move forward. Everyday is a victory.
You acknowledge the darkness of the past not to live there, but to learn that every stop along the way were stops on the journey back to the ultimate destination.
You.
You are the love you have been looking for.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
is a mother, writer, yogi, Scorpio and has good hair but is NOT Becky by any means. By day, she pushes paper, but by night, she unleashes her superpower: using her words.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage