Lifestyle & Fitness Coach Monica Bencomo Prioritizes Self Above All Else
In xoNecole's series Mother/Hustler, we sit down with influential mom bosses who open up about the ups and downs of motherhood, as well as how they kill it in their respective industries, all while keeping their sanity and being intentional about self-care.
If you thought being a full-time business owner while homeschooling two small children and still managing to get a full-body workout in is hard, try doing it while you're 34 weeks pregnant. While many of us would shudder at the thought, there is one smooth Mother/Hustler who accepts this challenge with a smile.
The 32-year-old founder of Moms Wear Heels, Monica Bencomo is a force of nature that knows that securing a bag means nothing if you don't secure yourself, first, sis.
No one is immune to burnout, not even this seemingly superhuman Lifestyle and Fitness Coach who shared that she deeply understands the struggle of trying to fill an empty cup. She told xoNecole, "As a recovering people pleaser, I'd often go out of my way to ensure all my clients were happy, and I'd overgive and overperform. That led to burnout."
Monica, who will soon be a mother-of-three, says that while her plate is often full, it's only full of the projects she chooses to say yes to. "Nah" is a complete sentence, and when given the choice between securing a check and securing her sanity, Monica chose the latter. "Realizing my kids had to come first, and that I wanted to give them a happy mom (not a burned-out one) forced me to say 'no' to anyone or anything who wanted more than I thought was fair."
As a full-time wife, mother, and business owner, Monica says that hustling ain't easy, but most things that are aren't really worth having, are they? We caught up with Monica, who gave us the tea on how she manages to balance motherhood, entrepreneurship, and self-care at the same damn time. Here's what she had to say:
How do you handle moments when you feel overwhelmed?
"I pray. Then I remind myself in that moment of what my most important priorities are. Then I tackle them accordingly."
When do you feel most productive?
"The morning--I am such a morning person. I wake up before my kids so I can have alone time, and get my creative work done. The morning is when I feel most optimistic, and when I have the most energy to conquer the day."
What’s the hardest part of your day?
"That's usually towards the end of the day, after many hours of homeschooling, working from home, tidying up, and taking care of everyone when my energy begins to wane and I still have to do nighttime baths, reading, and planning for the next day."
How (and how often) do you practice self-care?
"Every. Day. I won't get out of bed until I've meditated, prayed, gone over my gratitude, and asked for guidance. For me, self-care is not an option or a luxury; it's vital to my overall health and happiness as a mom."
What is your advice for dealing with mom guilt?
"Check yourself, guilt isn't always something to shun away. Sometimes guilt serves as a painful reminder that we need to shift something in our lifestyle. I believe you can be a great mom and go after your dreams, but there is a delicate balance only your heart will be able to weigh. I always guide my clients to listen to what their emotions are trying to communicate with them. Guilt may have something to teach you in that moment."
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned as an entrepreneur?
"That no one will work for or believe in you or your dreams if you don't--and that not everyone will like you--or understand you--sometimes even family and friends. And that's okay! Your destiny is your business--not theirs."
What is the most important lesson you want your kid(s) to learn from you?
"Most of all, I want them to exemplify self-love--to live in this world knowing that they matter--their contributions, gifts, and unique traits. It breaks my heart to see so many young people suffering from depression and anxiety due to not feeling valuable because they're comparing themselves to IG models or reality stars! I want my kids to be thinkers, have discernment, and believe in themselves in a world that constantly tries to make them feel insecure; which drives my work and my mission with Moms Wear Heels today."
Why was it important to you to be an entrepreneur even though some people may think that a 9-5 offers more stability?
"It's been my experience that 9-5s do not offer stability--I've been let go of 'safe' jobs I hated due to budget cuts and am grateful for that happening so that now, I have the courage to work for myself. Once I graduated from college and everyone asked where I wanted to work, I intuitively knew it had to be for me. No job was attractive enough to cause me to trade time away from my kids for money. And as Jim Carey said, 'We can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.' I've been an entrepreneur for 8 years and have no intention of turning around now."
What advice do you have when it comes to time management as a mogul mommy?
"So many women I've worked with have told me they don't have time for the things they claim they want in life--whether it's exercising or chasing a dream. We all have the same 24 hours in a day--so do a time audit and really see where your time is going. Are you on social media too long? Are you chilling with Netflix or YouTube when you could be growing your business? Be honest and investigate where your time and energy is going on a daily basis, and reprioritize where necessary."
How has being a mother helped you become a better entrepreneur (or vice versa)?
"Being a mom woke me up to my potential. Being a mother has also made me become more organized and better at time management. I realized that every 'yes' I'd give others was a 'no' I was giving to my kids and family. And that helped me to draw fierce boundaries as a businesswoman! As a mother, I only say 'yes' to things that I really want to say 'yes' to, and I've learned that 'no, thank you' really is a complete sentence."
What tips do you have for financial planning, both professionally and for your family?
"Have family meetings. If you're married, you and your partner need to be on the same page. If you're single, you can do this yourself. My husband and I meet weekly and monthly to go over things like finances, goals, etc so we're on the same page. Develop a vision as a family, and practice discipline! If you decide you want to buy a home in the next two years, for example, plan to spend more frugally and save a certain amount each time you're paid. Set tangible goals you can measure. And check progress each time you meet."
To learn more about Monica and join the Moms Wear Heels Movement, follow her on Instagram @MomsWearHeels!
Featured image courtesy of @MomsWearHeels.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
Exclusive: Brandee Evans On Faith, Fibroids, And Chosen Family
Do you remember your first time at The Pynk?
We were first introduced to Mercedes at Uncle Clifford’s beloved strip joint, a matrix of secrets and self-discovery nestled deep in the heart of the Mississippi Delta. Brandee Evans, who plays the ambitious single mother and seasoned dancer in the STARZ original P-Valley, quickly won our hearts and has since earned widespread critical acclaim.
Her captivating command of the pole left many of us intrigued, perhaps even tempted, to explore pole dancing ourselves after witnessing the mesmerizing performances at Mercedes Sunday. But it wasn’t just her physical prowess that kept us hooked. Mercedes is a character of depth—empowering, complex, relatable, and deeply human.
These are qualities that Brandee embodies both on and off the screen.
(L-R) Marque Richardson and Brandee Evans on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
A Memphis native, Brandee is no stranger to dance. She boasts an impressive career as a choreographer, having worked with renowned artists like Katy Perry, Monica, Ke$ha, and Ledisi. But while it has been a significant part of her journey, Brandee has her sights set on more—expanding her acting career beyond dance-inclusive roles. This ambition nearly led her to pass on the opportunity to appear alongside Kerry Washington in Hulu’s UnPrisoned, where she plays Ava, Mal's (Marque Richardson) new girlfriend.
“When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no,” Brandee revealed with a laugh. “She mentioned pole dancing, and I told myself and my team that once I was done with Mercedes, I wasn’t going to do that again.” Fortunately, Washington assured her that the role would be vastly different, leading to what Brandee described as an invaluable masterclass in comedy under the guidance of Washington herself.
“Kerry is a force of nature,” Brandee reflected. “She’s everything you’d hope she’d be—strong, compassionate, and incredibly talented. Working with her was like a masterclass in acting.” This opportunity was no mere stroke of luck; it was something Brandee had manifested years earlier. But make no mistake–she credits her faith and praying hands for her success. “I’m praying, you know what I mean? I’m asking God for what I want and working for it too,” she said.
"When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no."
(L-R) Brandee Evans, Kerry Washington, and Marque Richardson on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
This role marked Brandee’s first foray into comedy, and while she was eager to embrace the challenge, she found herself in the hands of an incredible mentor. “Kerry was always so kind in her critiques,” Brandee noted. “She’s not a diva by any means. She knows exactly what she wants, but she’s gentle and encouraging in bringing it out of you. That’s something I’ve taken with me to other sets—I want to lead with the same kindness and openness that Kerry showed me. It’s a lesson I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”
Brandee speaks with profound respect and gratitude for her peers and fellow actresses as many have shown her genuine sisterhood and support in an industry often notorious for its competitiveness. “Danielle Brooks sent me a prayer the other day, and I was just so touched. Those are the moments that people don’t see,” she shared. “I call Sheryll Lee Ralph my fairy godmother, and Loretta Devine is like my auntie. Being able to pick up the phone and seek advice from these incredible women is a true blessing.”
And she pays it forward.
Brandee Evans
Courtesy: Hulu
But her commitment to supporting others extends far beyond her career. As an advocate for health and wellness, she empowers women to prioritize their well-being. “Azaria [Carter], who plays my daughter on P-Valley, mentioned wanting to start a weight loss journey and get more fit. I told her, ‘Well, let’s work out together,’” Brandee recounted. But her dedication to healthy living goes beyond physical fitness, encompassing a holistic approach to wellness. “When she came to my house and tried to microwave something in plastic, I said, ‘Let’s use glass instead. At 20, I wasn’t thinking about that, but let me share some tips now so you’re not battling fibroids in your 30s.’”
Because she was.
While filming the first season of P-Valley, Brandee faced enormous stress—not only as a caregiver for her mother, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, but also due to the physical demands of the role. Yet the impact on her body was far greater than she expected. “I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal,” Brandee revealed. It was Harriet D. Foy, who plays her mother, who urged her to get checked for fibroids.
"I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal."
Brandee Evans graces the 2024 ESSENCE Black Women In Hollywood Awards Ceremony.
Arnold Turner/Getty Images for ESSENCE
The statistics are staggering—80% of Black women develop abnormal uterine growths by age 50, making them more likely to suffer from fibroids than any other racial group. But like many, Brandee was initially unaware of these growths and their debilitating effects, and the prospect of surgery was daunting. “I was scheduled to have a myomectomy on my birthday, but I thought about what it would mean for my career. How am I going to climb the pole? The healing process is similar to a C-section.” Determined to avoid surgery, she committed to healing herself naturally.
After a deep dive, she sought treatment at The Herb Shop of Vinings in Atlanta, which ultimately led to a remarkable recovery. “This man saves lives. His name is Jeff, and I call him my doctor.” Brandee shared. “I started detoxing my body with herbs and following his program. During my follow-up with the gynecologist, they said, ‘We don’t know what you’re doing, but your fibroids are shrinking.’”
Emerging on the other side of this journey not only fibroid-free but with a regulated cycle and a renewed outlook on life, Brandee is now focused on sharing her story and advocating for women’s health. “I know y’all want to hear about P-Valley, but I want to talk about regulating your period,” she said with a laugh.
Of course, she didn’t leave fans hanging when it came to what to expect in the upcoming season. “It is worth the wait. The world is about to go crazy. Oh, the world is about to lose it,” Brandee teased. “Y’all might be mad at us right now, but baby, it’s going to be worth it.”
All episodes of Season 2 of UnPrisoned are now streaming on Hulu.
Featured image courtesy of Hulu
Does Your Man's Family Really Need To Like You? (Hmm...)
Although you will never be able to sway me away from a Black man as far as a relationship goes, I do know "fine" when I see it. And so, while I am aging myself, just a bit when I say this: Charles Ingalls (or rather, Michael Landon, who played him on the series The Little House on the Prairie) was fine and then some mo’ fine.
Yeah, it’s kind of crazy just how much I refer to that show during some of my counseling sessions, especially with engaged couples and married ones who have a super complex relationship with their in-laws. And when it comes to the Ingalls family, specifically, something that I will oftentimes say is, “You can’t pay me to not believe that one of the main reasons why a lot of marriages back then lasted so long is because both sides hardly ever saw their original families after they got married and started their own. Couples back then took ‘leaving and cleaving’ to a whole ‘nother level.”
Is this my way of saying that the key to a successful union is to not bond with your man’s family? No — not at all. What I am saying, though, is boundaries need to be paramount. What I am also saying is that there are layers that need to be unpeeled in order for me to explain just what I mean by that.
So, whether you are in a relationship that seems to be headed towards something serious and you can already tell that your bae and his family’s dynamic may end up being a bit complex for you, you are newly engaged, and the waters with your in-laws are a bit rough right now, or you’ve been married for a few months and lawd, you had no idea that your man’s people were gonna be, well, “like this” — let’s discuss some things that you should keep in mind so that you can find peace in how you should maneuver when it comes to his family.
‘Cause chile…CHILE.
What’s Your Ideal (Potential) In-Law Dynamic?
GiphySeveral years ago, I attended a wedding where, when the couple was about to leave after the reception, the groom’s mother refused to come out and wave “goodbye.” I knew some of the backstory behind what was going on, and it was more than just her seeing her baby boy move on into another season of his life. His new wife (at least at the time; the mother-in-law has seemed to be able to manipulate her pretty well over the past few years) had her own mind, and it oftentimes clashed with her soon-to-be MIL (mother-in-law). So, essentially, what she was grieving was that her younger son was about to get a backbone.
I pretty much figured that what I witnessed that day was symbolic of what the mother-and-law and daughter-in-law’s dynamic was going to be — its own tug of war, on several levels. And while I know that it bothered the wife that it was that way, something that she would say that I found to be pretty on-point is, “I don’t need her to be my mother. I have a mother.” So true, so true.
Sometimes, when you’re dating — or considering marrying — someone and you don’t have the most ideal connection with either all or some of their family, you will find yourself overextending to try and turn things into the idea that you always desired. Yeah, please don’t do that.
If you’re already seeing some yellow, orange, or red flags, sensing some dysfunction, and/or you know that you and your man’s mama (or sisters or whomever) may not become BFFs, it’s really best to 1) address it with him to get an idea of his thoughts on the matter; 2) grieve that your ideal may not end up being your reality and 3) prepare to make peace with that — if you decide to stay, that is. Oh, and a bonus: try to not take it personally.
Sometimes, the strain with a man’s family is due to issues that have been going on long before you ever came into the picture. So long as you are kind, respectful, and consistent when it comes to dealing with them, you are creating good karma.
And who knows? Maybe, in time, you can get to your ideal. All I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up or — and this is so important — take it out on your relationship if it doesn’t happen to play out that way. You can have a cordial dynamic with his family without everyone being in each other’s laps all of the time.
Like Is Cool. Respect Is Better.
GiphyYou marry them, not their family. One of the dumbest things I’ve heard was that sentence right there, and it came from a guy who 1) had a pretty unhealthy relationship with his in-laws and 2) isnow divorced from his wife — and yes, his somewhat unstable dynamic with his in-laws played a significant role in the breakdown of his marriage. SMDH.
So here’s the deal: Yes, when you marry someone, the way it should go is that the two of you move on from the families you were born into so that you can create one of your own. What I’m speaking of here is not a total disconnect; however, you should be having your own boundaries, traditions, and ways of doing things that don’t require either of your family’s permission or approval.
That said, when people raise their kids with the mindset that “I am raising adults not children” (which is how it should be in my opinion), the shift of their kids leaving their house to start a life of their own with someone else tends to be relatively drama-free (especially if they happen to like who their adult child chose).
Oh, but when parents never emotionally prepared themselves for their kids to “get out of the nest,” sometimes they think they are supposed to “parent them” through their relationship — and that is where things can get toxic as hell; it’s also where you will need to set some limits and some of those, his family (or yours) may not be very fond of.
And so, as they are going through the process of adjusting to all of this, they may not like you very much. Hell, they may not even like their own child very much, either. It doesn’t matter. Although yes, it would be ideal (and honestly easier) if your man’s family did adore you, the thing that you really want is for them to respect you.
People who respect you listen to what you say. People who respect you don’t try to gaslight you out of your own boundaries. People who respect you will bring concerns directly to you instead of talking behind your back. People who respect you will acknowledge your needs and feelings. People who respect you will treat you like an adult and not a child.
Hmph. It’s kind of another message for another time how, when you look for your man’s family to like you over respecting you, you may not even end up with a lot of what I just said because people can like someone and still attempt to run over them. Hell, sometimes, what they like is that they can (some of y’all will catch that later). So yes, above all else, what you need to strive for is respect. In other words, choose to see “like” as the icing, not the cake.
How Good Is Your Guy with Boundaries?
GiphySpeaking of boundaries…not too long ago, I checked out a Black indie film entitledMother May I? Have mercy, that mother was beyond controlling and without giving too much away; a big part of it was because she was paranoid because she was sneaky as hell (a lot of people are controlling because of that very reason; that’s another message for another time, though). And although she was definitely the most triggering character to watch, I can’t lie and say that her son didn’t piss me off a few times too.
Whenever she would talk to him like a child, disrespect his girlfriend, or when she slapped him, I was damn near yelling at the screen like, “Sir. She may be your mother, but disrespect is disrespect.” Y’all, stop thinking that your parents love you well if they are willing to disrespect you;love and respect are designed to go hand in hand in healthy relationships — any kind of healthy relationship.
Anyway, as I continued to watch, I thought about a friend of mine who used to be in a marriage with a man who not only tolerated emotional abuse from his mother but also allowed his now ex-wife to be subjected to it as well. In fact, to this day, he is so unbelievably codependent on his mother that while he was married to my friend, he thought it was her job to not only overlook the crazy ish that his mom would say to her, he also wanted his wife to bend over backward like he does in order to try and make things work.
Toxic upon toxic…upon toxic.
The sad thing about all of this is that when my friend was dating this guy and then living with him (and his mother — don’t get me started) prior to saying “I do,” she saw red flags. She saw where, more times than not, he took his mother’s side, too. She also witnessed where he would allow his mother to wreck his moods along with where he would allow his mom to pretty much say and do whatever while simply saying to her, “I mean, just be the bigger person.”
No, sir, you learn how to grow up and get some boundaries with your mother because, when it comes to the role of being a protector and provider for your wife, that means doing everything in your power to keep her out of harm’s way, period — and if that harm is a relative, guess what?
My friend? She went through years of drama, trauma, and foolishness because she tried to act like this man and his mother’s issues would somehow just go away with time. Nah, that man needs/needed therapy, his mother needs/needed therapy, and then both of them need to go to therapy together. However, if there is a “beauty for ashes” in all of this, it’s the fact that, hopefully, her story will cause someone reading this to “pause” if they notice that their own guy isn’t good at setting boundaries with his own relatives, especially when it comes to protecting his relationship when it comes to them.
Because again, while everyone doesn’t have to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya, My Lord,” no man should have the woman he’s with feeling like she’s in a danger zone of some sort whenever his family is in her presence. There is absolutely no wiggle room on that either because you wanna know what the real bottom line on this point is?
A woman feeling safe around her man’s family is something that her man has the ability to control. Full stop.
Don't Assume. Communicate.
GiphyWhen it comes to all that we are discussing here, something that isn’t talked about enough is the fact that sometimes people will feel entitled to being treated a certain type of way — they want everyone to do cartwheels in their presence. And to that, what I will say is, there is nothing wrong with your man’s relatives taking the approach of, “You’re cool, but you’re not our family until you marry him” (which could result in them having a few walls up) or them not wanting to be extra warm ‘n fuzzy — there really isn’t.
The reality is that one of the reasons why there can be so much (potential) in-law angst is because folks will want the dynamic with their man’s relatives to be a certain way, and when it’s not, they act like something is “wrong” when it simply played out to not be what they desire. Not to mention the fact that whenever a person is in a serious relationship, the influence of their partner tends to change them on some levels, and it can take a while for their relatives to adjust. That is beyond understandable, too.
The way to handle all of this is to communicate. In other words, don’t assume that just because you may not be received in the way you expected or even in the way that you want they don’t like you, are against your relationship, or are ultimately plotting your relational demise. Instead, again, run it by your partner, and then, if he green lights it (because you need to respect the boundaries that he has with his own family as well) take the “relative in question” out to get the clarity that you seek.
Ask questions. Express — not demand, request — your wishes. Hear them out. Even if after listening to their side, things still don’t end up being a Disney film, you’ll still be amazed what both people knowing where the other is truly coming from can do for a relationship over time. While assuming puts folks on the defensive, communication typically will bring forth an understanding.
Don’t Force Your “Puzzle Piece”
GiphyAlthough this last point applies to all dynamics, I am speaking mostly to people who are noticing some real issues at the beginning of something new. If having a sense of family has never been that big of a deal to you, then, again, just aiming for mutual respect may be all that you need. Okay, but if you are someone who is all about family and there is tension between the guy you’re seeing and his family and/or you and his family — remember that dating is not marriage.
There is data around (like thishere and thishere) to prove that the influence of in-laws can play a role in a marriage’s ultimate demise. Plus, you should want to be in a long-term relationship where your “puzzle piece” (your personality, your values, your character) fits without feeling like you have to force yourself “into the picture” of someone else’s people.
Listen, although I’ve never been married before, I have been in relationships where the guy’s family adored me, and then I’ve been in a couple where the family was nothing but drama — the latter definitely caused unnecessary stress between the guy and me. Looking back, I know that I would’ve never married those guys either. The drama — their family, along with how they poorly navigated issues with their relatives — simply wasn’t worth it. I wanna “fit” — not force my fit.
____
I said a lot on this because I wanted to cover as many bases as possible. Bottom line, though. Does your man’s family have to like you for your relationship to work with him? So long as you’re not stressing over it, he helps you to feel safe and his DNA respects you, no. If none of this is happening, though, and the two of you are merely dating, please like yourself enough to remove yourself — because, at the end of the day, how the entire situation is being handled is revealing more to you about him and the future of your relationship than just how things are gonna be with his relatives.
Standing ten toes down on that, my friend. I’ve seen too much ish in this lane go left. WAY LEFT. So, please move wisely out here…ya here?
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Featured image by The Good Brigade/Getty Images