Mother/Hustler Kathlyn Celeste Knows That Boundaries Are An Entrepreneur’s Best Friend
In xoNecole's series Mother/Hustler, we sit down with influential mom bosses who open up about the ups and downs of motherhood, as well as how they kill it in their respective industries, all while keeping their sanity and being intentional about self-care.
Minding your business takes on a whole new meaning when you put healthy personal boundaries in place, and Massachusetts-based content creator Kathlyn Celeste has developed a thriving online business, amassed nearly 200,000 followers, and purchased a house with her husband and two young sons by doing exactly that.
As a mogul-in-the-making, one of the most powerful tools to have in your arsenal is the word "no" which, by the way, is a whole sentence. Kathlyn keeps this two-letter torpedo on deck. In a recent interview with xoNecole, this 28-year-old mother-of-two revealed the secret to staying centered when you're being pulled in every direction and according to her, it starts with knowing that boundaries are a business owner's best friend.
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Kathlyn Celeste 🇨🇻 (@kathlynceleste) on Nov 23, 2019 at 8:18am PST
"This year, I've been learning the power of 'no' and it's been hard, but freeing. I can't be everything for everyone or say 'yes' to every job as much as I love it and want to be a part of it."
Time is money, and this Mother/Hustler isn't here to waste either one on projects (or people) that don't serve her higher purpose. That's exactly why Kathlyn made the conscious decision to create a line between work and home that cannot be violated. She continued, "Sometimes my 'yes' to work is a 'no' to my family time and that's a line I just cannot cross. So, I've learned to be selective with the work I take on so it doesn't take away from what matters most to me."
We sat down with Kathlyn to talk more about the challenges of motherhood, entrepreneurship, and finding the courage to create healthy boundaries. Here's what we learned:
xoNecole: How do you handle moments when you feel overwhelmed?
Kathlyn Celeste: I'd like to say I go to prayer right away, every time… but honestly, sometimes the process is: slightly freak out, text my husband for encouragement, find something sweet (chocolate always works), calm down, walk away from the situation, pray, and worship. Then, I'm good!
What’s the hardest part of your day?
KC: I have the hardest time when it hits 2:35 pm and I'm not done with my work, but my family just walked through the door and I'm being covered with kisses and hugs. There's this tension inside of me because I want my workday to end there and just spend time with my family but it rarely happens that way. I'm currently learning to live in the 1% and be present in those moments, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's hard.
Instagram/@KathlynCeleste
"There's this tension inside of me because I want my workday to end there and just spend time with my family but it rarely happens that way. I'm currently learning to live in the 1% and be present in those moments, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's hard."
How (and how often) do you practice self-care?
KC: This is horrible, but very rarely. I need to get better at this. Some days self-care looks like Netflix and chill, and other days it's doing something active. But honestly, my favorite form of self-care is laughter. I love spending time just hanging out with my family, cousins, girlfriends, or binge-watching something with hubby and lots of snacks. That's my fave.
When do you feel most productive?
KC: When I'm killin' the game in my roles as a wife, mother, businesswoman, and friend. If there's a day where I sent an encouraging text to a friend, cooked, got the house clean, loved up on hubby, and had lots of big-hug-parties with my boys, all while checking off the 30 things on my to-do list… wow. #GOALS.
What is your favorite way to spend “me time”?
KC: Do trips to Target count? This is something I'm trying to get better at. This [past] year, I made it a priority to have "date days with Jesus" where I schedule out a huge block of time one day a week where I spend time in my word, journaling, and just talking to God all day. Through this, I've learned so much about myself by spending time with the One who created me. It's literally changed me in ways I'm so grateful for.
[This] year, I'm planning to start taking violin lessons as part of my "me time"! I played in elementary school and when I think about doing something for myself that has nothing to do with work or anyone else, I thought that would be cool to try again!
"I made it a priority to have 'date days with Jesus' where I schedule out a huge block of time one day a week where I spend time in my word, journaling, and just talking to God all day. Through this, I've learned so much about myself by spending time with the One who created me. It's literally changed me in ways I'm so grateful for."
What is your advice for dealing with mom guilt?
KC: "Give yourself grace and then make the necessary changes to improve where you feel you lack." I had a huge mom-guilt moment this summer that made me literally change the way we operate as a family. My oldest son opened up to my mom and said, "All Mommy and Dada do is work, they don't like to have fun and go to Chuck-E-Cheese." I was in Maui for a work trip at the time when she sent me the voice recording. I broke DOWN.
From that point, we decided that "Family Fun Days" would be a priority in our family and the first thing we schedule into the week before we even think about work. As much as it hurt, I'm grateful for what I've learned from that and how it brought change to our family for the better.
What is the most important lesson you want your kids to learn from you?
KC: There's so many and, as I grow as a mother, so many more get added to my prayers over the men they're becoming. I want them to be known as faith-filled men who have humble hearts--men after God's own heart--are outrageously generous and love all people well. [I want them to be] men who operate in excellence in all they do, that have a servant's heart, and like to have FUN in life while being present and enjoying each moment and season of life they're in.
Why was it important to you to be an entrepreneur even though some people may think that a 9-to-5 offers more stability?
KC: My journey through entrepreneurship has become my own ministry. I'm using my platform to encourage and inspire women as I learn and grow from the good and hard things I experience. Yes, you can in some ways have that in a 9-to-5 but because I can reach hundreds of thousands of women all over the world and bring them hope… there's nothing I'd rather do.
How has being a mother helped you become a better entrepreneur (or vice versa)?
KC: Absolutely. I don't think I would be as successful as I am if I didn't have a family early-on. They were my driving force to start and now the people I serve in my community are a part of that driving force.
Instagram/@KathlynCeleste
"I don't think I would be as successful as I am if I didn't have a family early-on. They were my driving force to start and now the people I serve in my community are a part of that driving force."
What is the biggest challenge you’ve faced as a mom who runs a business?
KC: I think time management has been the biggest one for me and creating a good "work-life" balance. Because I work from home, most days I'm answering emails and creating content while also cooking and picking up toys. Sometimes, just leaving and going to a coffee shop makes the biggest difference for me.
What advice do you have for moms who are looking to start their business but haven’t taken a step out on faith yet?
KC: If it scares you, do it. If it makes you worried, do it. Nothing worth fighting for comes easy. Don't get caught up in comparison and don't let perfectionism delay you any longer. Your first attempt is going to be "bad" compared to where you'll be a year from now. That's growth and inevitable. So, just do it! The only regret you'll have is not starting sooner.
Do you think it’s important to keep your personal and professional life separate? Why or why not?
KC: In many instances, yes. But I think a level of vulnerability in this industry is so important. It makes you more "normal" to the people on the outside who think for some reason, we're not. I've found that I've helped the most people by sharing my experiences and how I've overcome them. I won't ever go online and complain about something unless I'm coming with a solution as well. If I open up about a difficult moment with my husband or parenting, it's because I'm also sharing what we did to change and better that issue in our marriage or parenting. The heart behind everything I share has to be "How will this help them?"
Instagram/@KathlynCeleste
What advice do you have when it comes to time management as a mogul mommy?
KC: Any tips you can give me?! (Laughs) I'm learning to get better at this and my goal for the new year is to master it! But what I've learned so far:
- Starting my day earlier (and sleeping earlier) really makes a huge difference!
- Set scheduled "work" hours and try your best to stick to them!
- Remove all distractions from your workspace. The 'Do Not Disturb' feature has BLESSED me. Sometimes I don't ever want to turn it off.
- Schedule everything and give yourself time blocks to do each task.
- Anticipate interruptions (Especially with kids. Life happens, it's okay!).
- Delegate! (I recently took on an assistant and it's changed the game for me!)
What tips do you have for financial planning, both professionally and for your family?
KC: Budget, budget, budget! Save, save, save! Take some time to create a spreadsheet and list out all of your income coming in, and every penny going out. Each week, you should update this sheet and it'll give you a better idea of what you can actually afford and where you may have to cut back. I think once you get started, you'll fall in love with managing your money and being in control of it, rather than it controlling you!
For more Kathlyn, follow her on Instagram @KathlynCeleste!
Featured image by Instagram/@kathlynceleste.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images